Why do some people frown on a birth mother still consitering herself the child's mother?

Question

I don't understand this.

My daughter, Veronica, I had to give up for adoption since I was about to be homeless when she was born and I wasn't about to bring a child into the streets, it's an open adoption.

But people degrade me for still considering her my daughter saying that I'm no longer her mother because I gave her up (I just wanted the best for her).

No matter what papers say, nothing will ever change the fact that she IS my daughter and she will always be my daughter and I will always love her, no amount of paperwork can ever change that, and the situation I was in at the time, giving her up was the only option I had otherwise she would have been on the streets with me and that is no way to raise a child.

So, I just don't understand why, adoptive parents and natural parents alike, say I'm not a mother because of this, does anyone know why they say this?

(This happens in real life, it's not a Y!Answers originated issue)

Answer 1

I really don't know why, all kids should know their real parents no matter what. and if the mother put her up for adoption to save the baby from a life in the streats. I think the real mother should have every right in the world to see her.  

Only time a real mother shouldn't be able to see her baby is if she lost it due to drugs or put it up for adoption to have more money for drugs,

you didn't do either one so you should be alowed to see your baby.

either that or wait intill she is 18 and then look for her.

Answer 2

If anyone says you are not her mother, tell them they must have failed BIO 101.

You are her mother. Blood is thicker than paper.

Answer 3

Well lets see, you have computer because you are asking this question, So I guess being poor wasn't for very long. And YOU are not her mother. A mother is someone who takes care of there child no matter what. If i was in your position I would of slept on the streets with my babie in my arms keeping her warm. Then I would cry and beg for help tell I got her a nice warm place to live WITH me. And no can give a child a better a life  but there loving mother, who did everything in there power to TAKE CARE OF THEM. So veronicas foster mother/father are her family

Answer 4

I give women kudo's for being strong enough to realize  what the best path for their child is at that time. It has to be hard enough giving up a child without all the negative feedback. Just because you choose to try and give your child a better life doesn't mean you love them any less!!!

Answer 5

You are still the mother... you're the birth mother and the other mom is the adoptive mother. You can consider yourself whatever you want. Your blood is flowing through that child so she is (and always will be) a part of you. You're completely right.

Answer 6

Victoria.....you ARE Veronica's mother....you carried her for nine months....you gave her life.....nothing will ever change that. Do not ever give someone the power to make you feel inadequate or selfish for loving your child. You teach people how to treat you.....demand respect or tell then to mind their own d**n business!!!

There are kids growing up out there that have no mommy......as I see it your daughter is lucky to have two mommies who love her.

Answer 7

you will always be the birth mother, just not THE mother.  You did not parent your child. that is  the reality of the situation, and you need to deal with that before you move on.

Answer 8

I look at placing a baby for adoption as another form of parenting.  You are and will always be your child's mother.  You chose to have an adoptive family raise your child, be her parents, and parent her day to day forever.  But you are still a parent!  You have contributed greatly and richly to your child's life.  Your child will be who she is partly due to you, partly due to her (adoptive) parents, and partly due to her own unique self.  (Assuming you were able to choose loving and appropriate adoptive parents) - Her life has been forever enriched because of the decision you made for her.  You gave her this life.  You gave her two more parents, because you are - her mother.

Answer 9

Of course you are her mother.It doesn't matter whether you have her with you or not and people should never say that you or any woman who gives up a child are not mothers.I have had four children one of whom I gave up for adoption and another who was stillborn and,as far as I am concerned,I am the mother of all 4 and not just the two I have been lucky enough to have with me for all of their lives.You are lucky that you have been able to keep in contact with your daughter and will be able to see her grow into the daughter who will,hopefully,come to the realisation that you have done the best you can for her and the fact that she has two mothers who both love her

Answer 10

You are and always will be Veronica's mother and she will be your daughter. Yes, now she has another set of parents. If it weren't for "birthmothers", there wouldn't be any AP's. You just don't have any legal rights over her. That's what has changed.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but if this is something that has happened recently, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn't get any better. It took me about a year to realize that it was best not to bring the subject up because all the "c**p" they spewed before the adoption about how wonderful, blah,blah, blah I was, didn't hold water after the papers were signed.

You now belong to the "I was a worthless, child-abusing, crack-w***e society". Sorry for your pain.

"Lauren's" first mom

Sam's mom

Answer 11

I'm not a natural nor a adoptive mother (i am a mother to a daughter that i did not relinquished though); I am, however, an adoptee so if you want my perspective here it is (Please note that nothing I say is meant to harm, offend or inflame someone but they are my feelings). . .

I have a birthmother.  We are reunion and I call her my birthmother just as my birthdad is my birthdad.  By birth, they are my parents but in life, my parents are my parents because of the memories and the sacrifices they made for me.  This is not to say that my birthparents did not sacrifice 30+ years of their lives wondering about me.  Despite the fact that we are all in reunion, legally, i am not their daughter nor are they my parents.  I have no legal rights to their inheritances or anything like that.  I know that she would lay her life down in a heartbeat for her son that she raised but I know it is not quite the same for me.  That's fine.  They have their history together and she has always been his Mom.  but she is GG (Great Grandma) to my granddaughter and will always be involved in her life.  She has the incredible opportunity to see her grow from infancy on and I'm glad that we have that opportunity together.

We have had our ups and downs in reunion.  I do not look at either one as my parent but we do share warm feelings for each other.  I will feel a sense of loss when they pass on.  My bmom and daughter are both listed as emergency contacts but when it asks about my bmom's relation to me, I list her as a family friend.  It's just much easier than explaining my personal life.

I can't bring myself to call them Mom and Dad because I feel my true parents have already passed and that is a very cherished term/name.  One that was earned by years of sacrifice and love.

I am not trying to negate my birthparents standing in my life because on Easter, no one would know that 30 years was missing from our lives.  We are getting much closer (thank my baby granddaughter for that) and I do enjoy my times with them.  but my parents are my parents.

I have asked my bmom on many occasions what i should call her when introducing her to friends and things like that.  She said she is fine with bmom.  at first, it was a novelty but now, as reunion has progressed, maturity in our relationship has grown, etc., I merely introduce her by name and call her by name.  Anyone in my life that i'd be introducing her to is already aware of her standing in my life.

to those IRL that say what they do are from ignorance due to the complications of adoption and relinquishment.  I think we (those not involved in adoption) all hold the endearing term "Mom and Dad" very close to our hearts and could never imagine calling someone else Mom and Dad that wasn't there in the physical or supportive (financally and mentally) sense.  They can't begin to understand our family trees and how many branches we have.

They must not know you very well to make those comments and as such, you do not owe them an explanation.  You do not need to defend yourself to them.  You are a mother by birth; you are Veronica's mother in your heart and she knows you.  Your relationship will probably develop more as she ages.

just don't defend yourself to anyone else.  You don't have to.

Answer 12

I'm adopted. I have met my bio mom and think she is wonderful. She considers me her daughter and I am ok with that, though I don't truly feel that she is "mom" but my birth mom if that makes sense... My bio father... I don't like him at all. He calls me daughter all the time and I am pregnant and he says he cant wait to be a granddad. That bothers me because I don't feel that way about him.

Answer 13

I read the comment you are talking about and I think it was made out of pure ignorance. My youngest son is adopted. I know he has another Mother. He didn't just mysteriously appear o my door step and he did not grow in a pod. He was another Mother. Plain and simple.

Answer 14

In your case, I think that you made the right decision. And you loved your daughter, you have every right to still consider yourself her mother. Although you are not her only mother.

In the case of my boyfriends biological mother: She left her 2 year old and her 4 year old on the side of the highway. She had a 6 months old at home who was never picked up out of her crib, except for maybe once a day. Her children were taken away from her and placed with a loving mother.  If she were to contact him today, I would tell her that she has no place to consider herself a mother.  The child that is growing inside of me will NEVER know this woman, and I am thankful for that.

It just depends on the scenerio.

God bless you sweetheart.

-Britt

Answer 15

You did what was best for her, you love her. You gave her to her mother. I really hope that your feelings on this do not affect her stability in her family. You've all agreed to an open adoption, so she is going to know you and surely take comfort in knowing that you care for her and didn't just pass her on, but don't take away the fact that her adoptive parents are her parents now. You have the power to really confuse things and make a mess. I certainly applaud you for doing what is best for the child.

Answer 16

Ownership, plain and simple

My adoptive mother is wonderful she is honest and real and refers to my first mother as my 'real mother'

You carry and give birth to a child, you are a mother - don't let anyone tell you any different

Hugs

Ha ha - busted Carnie/Adoption is A-OK/Alyssa for duplicitous accounts

Answer 17

Because many see it as "weak" to be unable to care for ones self or family.  Since they have never been in that situation it's easy for them to be judgmental.

You are her Mother.  You gave birth to her.   Though she has another Mom who will raise her.  I know the heartbreak.  It takes a lot of love to raise a child.  It also takes a lot of love to give one up.

Answer 18

You are a mother.... that doesn't change.

The rights you have as a parent are what have changed.

Answer 19

I know what you mean.

I'm an adoptee, and all my life when I would talk about my bio-mom I'd call her my mom. People would be mad when I did. They would say "She's not your mom, she abanded you". Yes that's true, but only because both she and my dad weren't ready for 2 more kids(I'm a twin)at the time.

Now I refer to her as my orginal mother because I learned that she COULD of kept me, but didn't want to. I don't care, she's still my mom and I can call her that.

I adopted a little girl 11 months ago and I hope she refers to her bio-mom as her mom and her bio-mom refers to my adoptive daughter as HER DAUGHTER.

Papers may say one thing, but blood says another.

Answer 20

"EXCEPT BIOLOGICALLY"  

Blaahha ha ha. Said as if it means nothing. ASSUMING that a piece of paper is going to magically make all the biology go away.

People's opinions are like a particular body part  (everybodies got one)

You are still your childs mother and no piece of paper can erase your existance.

Why do people act this way? No children, ownership like Heather H said, never gave a baby away and don't know how it feels, take your pick.

Basically their validating themselves, it makes them feel better about themselves if they can find something wrong with someone else that they consider to be much worse than anything they have ever done.

Next time someone says something like that to you ask them if it makes them feel better about themselves. Ask them if they need validation for something they did and are not proud of? I'm sure you wont get an answer but you can tell them you were happy to help them out with their struggle anyway.

Answer 21

umm no you're not her mother, sweetie you gave her up. /just because you gave birth to her, doesn't make you her mom except biologically.

Answer 22

Hi,

I understand what you are saying.  In the legal sense, you are not her parent.  The adoptive mother is her only LEGAL mother.  Man's law cannot, however, erase the fact that you are also your child's MOTHER.  

What really hurts here is that people support -- even expect -- women in your situation to relinquish.  You're hailed a hero for putting your child's needs first, until the ink is dry.  Then, you're just the "birth mother" -- not REALLY a mother, though. Some people don't even think the word mother should be used at all.  Rare, yes, but I've read people who feel that way.  

How cruel of people to stand by while a mother makes such a heart and gut wrenching choice because she has no resources, encourage her to make that choice, applaud her WHILE she's making the choice, then turn around and tell her she's not a mother.  

I'm so sorry you have to live with hearing this from people.  Your ARE, and will always be her mother.

I am adopted and as far as I'm concerned I have two MOTHERS and two FATHERS.  I call all of them Mom and Dad.  My first set of parents made a heart-breaking decision because they felt it was the only way to protect me from some bad circumstances.  How DARE anyone say they aren't parents after making this most painful sacrifice.

Answer 23

I was my son's mother at birth, I am his mother now and I will be his mother until the day he leaves this world.

He just happens to have another mother as well as me. How wonderful to experience maternal love not once but twice.

You are her mother and you always will be. We do not need to split our children in two or three or four parts. Everyone has enough love to spread around, our children are no different. People say things like this out of fear and ignorance. The Lady has given your daughter a loving mother times two, rejoice that she is so loved.

Answer 24

As an adopted mother I understand the other side of the coin.  I did not carry my son, I could not feel him grow and life start inside of me and it makes me jealous of the birth mother.  But I am the one who hugs him when he is happy and sad, I am the one who washes his dirty face and teaches him right from wrong, I am the one who is his mother.  He may not of been inside of me but in my heart he is my son and in his heart I am his mother.  

He knows he is adopted and who is birth mother is, and when asked he will refer to her as his birth mother, but when she came around and wanted him to call her Mamma you could tell how confused he was, because to him, she was not his Mom.  We give him the choice of what to call her, Mom, birth mother, Aunt or just by her name.  He choose to call her Aunt.  So the truth is, she can consider herself his mother, and we consider her is birth mother, but he calls her Aunt.  I think in his mind he did that with respect to her and also to me, because I am his mommy.

Answer 25

Yes.  You can still consider yourself her mother..however she has a mom who cares for her.  I assume people disagree with you because in their opinion they believe the mom to be the person who provides the love, attention and care that it takes to raise a child.  I agree with that as well.  I think it is great that you allowed a family to adopt your child when you had such a difficult time and I really commend you for it.  I wish you the best of luck and am glad that you have obviously gotten your life back on track.

G.I.R.- I disagree that a biogical parent should just be allowed to see a child they gave up.  A child's life is complicated enough these days without having someone come in their lives they don't know...and say "hey I am your mom".  I would have greatly resented that as a child...as I am adopted.  If you aren't an adopted child than you have no right to advise such a rediculous thing.

Answer 26

People probably say that to you because they are ignorant and have not had to make the decisions you have in life.

You are her mother. Nothing can change that. You cared for her for 9 months, you worried about her, you made a decision to give her the life you wanted her to have.

Just remind her that the only difference is that your daughter has two moms now. Two moms to worry about her, to love her, to dream about her future.

Answer 27

My heart goes out to you. Of course this is your child. Some day you may even be lucky enough to get to know her. I agree with you because only a mother would give her child up to give him/her the best possible life she could. You couldn't so you chose to give her to someone who could take care of her. I nanny for a little boy who is adopted. He knows all about his mother being 16 years old and couldn't take care of him so she let him be adopted by the parents he has now to take care of him.

Answer 28

I think they are ignorant people.  How can you NOT be your child's mother?  Your daughter has two mothers- the easy thing for me to say is, don't waste your thoughts on what ignorant people say...  

I've never been in your situation, although, there are ignorant people out there that say to me, an adoptive mom, that I'm not really a mother, either.

Answer 29

If you are supposedly "homeless" then why are you on a computer with internet? Maybe your priorities are out of line if you can afford internet but not a child?

Answer 30

You are definately her Mother.  Obviously because of genetics but mostly because you made the sacrifice of giving her the best life possible even though it wasn't with you.  

One of my sisters is adopted.  Her mother asked us to adopt her for similar reasons.  We raised my sister as our own but we were always open and celebrated the fact that she had 2 mothers.  The mother who raised her and the one who gave her the gift of life & of the best life possible.

Be proud of yourself for being the best Mommy you could be!

Answer 31

Of course you are her mother. And you always will be. No paper was needed to make that true, and no paper can take that away.

I think some people are threatened. Didn't know you were that scary, did you?<grin> When people are threatened and defensive they tend to attack others and try to gain an upper hand. If adoptive parents are not secure as parents of their child (perhaps because they have not come to terms with infertility), then they might try to pretend they are the only parents. But of course they are not, and sadly it is really their children they are hurting with this attitude.

We have told our daughter that she has 3 mommies and 3 daddies, because she lived for her first year in a foster family in China and that is also a HUGE part of who she is.

I'm sorry people are saying this to you. But really, who cares what they think. It is what you and your daughter think that is important. And since you have an open adoption, I'm sure your daughter knows very well that you are her mom and how much you will always love her.