Why do some people in y/a think all bmoms are not good people ?

Question

Example, I was 16,my mom left me when I was 10,when I got pregnant with Nathan the courts said I was emotionally unstable at the time and he was gone my grandparents were to old to help me take care of him. Now I'm 34 and a great mom of 4 children 3 of which are boys to.I beleive in God and I believe God blessed me because of my heartache. To those who have not had to say goodbye to your newborn and hand him over to someone else even though you wanted him more than life itself you have no right to stereotype all of us.

Answer 1

I think that depends on the situation. Yes it sometimes is good but what about the moms out there having numerous kids taken away or the ones who use adoption like abortion as a means of birth control. People who give up 1,2,3, kids and keep on going? That is what makes me mad. If a person is young enough to go out and get pregnant then she should be able to raise her child the right way. If she isn't then she needs to be sewn up or something so she doesn't 15 kids up for adoption. In your case yeah I think you should have waited to have s*x if you were not ready to have a child but sometimes people have to learn from their mistakes and I get that. But the ones who don't ruin it for everybody.

Answer 2

I know women who have hated themselves for the rest of their lives for making that decision. Even therapy cant make that pain go away. They they have never come to terms with it. They even post messages trying to find them. I feel for you. I can't imagine a heartache that large that you must carry for the rest of your life. Men could loose body parts and still not understand that pain. Their body parts arent still walking the earth. Even women who have had an abortion learn to pretend it never happened, but you cant. You have done the "morally" right thing, but you hurt more, forever. People can be cruel. Judgmental hypocrites are everywhere. They will never understand until they experience it. Don't take it so personally, they will never understand. They can't.

Answer 3

There will always be some that think this way. It maybe because in their circumstances she was not a good person. But all can not be judged by one. There are some that were bad and should not have been allowed to keep the child, and then there are others that were victims of circumstances, or at the time were just not in the position to care properly for a child. My bio mom was a victim of others, my parents never said a bad word about her, in fact they both said that us kids should never have been taken from her. So I guess  that some speak this way because in their case it was the truth, and there are some I think talk this way because they don't want anyone else to try to step on their toes so to speak.

Answer 4

I certainly do NOT think that.  I have learned a lot since joining YA, but even 13 years ago, when my daughter was first placed in my home as a foster child, I had a lot of compassion for her first mom.  She, too, had grown up in a hard life, and didn't have a support system of her own.  Yes, she made some bad choices, and yes, she was not mature enough to be a "safe" parent for her daughter.  If she had had a healthy family it would have been a different story.  Her mother was bi-polar, and she just didn't have any relatives who could help her.  

I have come to know some first moms on YA, also.  There stories are sad, and painful.  They, like you, went on to become good mothers to their other children.  My soap box is that first moms, especially those who are young, should receive real counselling from someone who can really help them know what their options and resources are.  And from someone who doesn't benefit from whatever choice they make.  They need to be counselled about the pain and the loss they will feel, and the pain and the loss their child will feel.  Young mothers, especially, are led to believe that adoption is the only "unselfish" thing for them to do.

Answer 5

Oh no, first I have to apologize to "wpgeezer"!  I meant to give you a thumb up, but the curser moved just as I clicked enter and I accidentally gave you a thumb down...So, sorry!  Your answer was great!

This is a good question.  I have seen many times people not only categorizing first moms as drug-addicted losers, but also many times I've read people saying things to the effect that our first mother's simply didn't want to raise us.  

It's an unfair and cruel over-generalization of first moms.  I know that my first mom was nothing even close to that stereotype. In fact, she was not a teen, she was a college student that went on to get a PhD, and she did want and miss me.  She was forced through coercion by her father to give me away.

I think it makes some people feel better about adoption to think these things.  It perpetuates the myth of win-win-win in adoption...after all, if first moms are losers that just don't want their babies, the child is better off adopted, right?  I think it eases people's conscience and provides an easy explanation to a complex and emotionally charged situation.

Answer 6

Besides the occasional troll I rarely see that kind of attitude about bmoms on this site.

I'm sure you're a good mom. Be proud and confident about who you are and don't let other people make you feel bad about your experience.

Answer 7

The trouble with Yahoo Answers is that there are two different types of people who answer the questions here.  There are the regulars who directly come to the adoption section and honestly despite the dramarama cycles that keep repeating, don't get terribly disrespectful in generalizations.  They typically pay attention to who says what and then aim their critical comments towards that person's comments.  Which then perpetuates more dramarama cycles of questions that get called pot stirring.

The other type of person that answers questions here are those who read the question from the most recent questions on either the home page, or from the pregnancy and parenting parent topic category list.  These people aren't nearly as experienced or educated about adoption and adoption related issues.  Typically their answers don't answer the question and they have no idea how insensitive their answers come across to those who are living with adoption everyday in their lives.

It's a rare person who dumps on birthmothers/firstmothers on Yahoo Answers that is a regular.  Instead what I have found is that individual statements referencing birthmother/firstmothers within either the question or the answer gives off that attitude even though the person who is saying it doesn't even realize how hurtful they are being.  It's the ones who really aren't living adoption who pack the most hurtful statements about mothers like us usually.

What I find frustrating about the answers given to this question and questions like it that have been asked in the last two days is the idea that we are imagining that feeling.  I'm sorry but those answers are wrong.  If you take the simple statements that dismiss, demean, or simply disparage either birthmothers/firstmothers in general, or the particular birthmother/firstmother that you are involved with and you add up how many times you read those statements in a matter of a day, two days, a week or even a month... there is a trend of feeling like people think you are not a good person because you relinquished.  It exists.

It exists just as much as potential adoptive parents and adoptive parents read in the comments how they are horrible people for destroying families for their own gain.

It exists just as much as adoptees read how they come first and yet answer after answer reminds them how grateful they should be and dismiss their own needs for their parents' needs.

So, no I don't think there a lot of people who buy into the greater stereotypes here that frequent the adoption section and live with adoption regularly.  But the sum of the dramarama questions and answers can add up to looking like that though.

Answer 8

I don't think all birthmoms are bad people.....I think my birthmom is a less than quality person.

She has given birth to 6 kids that I know of, kept some, gave some up....when I was born, I had a problem, they thought I would die (now a days it is NO BIG DEAL)....she had already decided to give me up (I believe I'm her oldest)...the adoptive parents I was supposed to be adopted by, couldn't deal with my "illness" (joke was on them!)

She left the hospital after 5 days (that is how long people stayed back then).....she never once inquired about me or how I was, although she knew I was "sick."

I decided I wanted to meet her several years ago when I got pregnant with my 1st.....just an urge....my parents are great.

The first time she was ok, but made several references to how well I was doing.  Actually asked to try on my wedding rings and asked what they were worth.

She called my cell phone and we met again, she asked me for money.  I was stupid and gave her some.  She called a few months later wanted to see the baby........she actually wanted money again.

The next time she called my husband spoke with her and told her that if she wanted a relationship with me that was great, but that I was not an ATM machine....she started screaming and yelling and carrying on about what the "truth about his wife" could do to his career.....(My husband is a judge and a professor)

Needless to say, I got a new cell phone and I don't speak with her or any of her children that she kept except one

I'm sure you're a great mom...one of my siblings is awesome despite being stuck with that woman.

I'm very sorry you lost your first child, those are the adoptions that should be stopped.  I'm sure you're a great mom...I'm a great mom despite DNA.

I don't think all birth moms are like that woman.  I didn't think ANYONE was like her....  I don't sterotype you at all...

I think my birth mom was the exception, I believe that most voluntary adoptions are due to women being scared, talked into it, or who truly believe they are doing what is best for their child.

She was an incubator, I know people hate that, but she wasn't much more than that to the kids she kept.....but I don't believe all birth moms are like that.

I pray that God continues to bless you and your family.  Peace be with you.

Answer 9

I do not think all Original Mother's are bad people. The only one I can speak for is my son's Mother. I do harbor hard feelings towards her because of choices that she made that will affect my son his entire life.

I was a single teenage mother so I understand how unfair it is to lump a group of people together. People thought I would be a horrible parent because I was a teenager.  because of misconceptions like these I really try not to judge a group of people based on the actions of a few.

Answer 10

This same Question was asked just a day or so ago....and after everyone tripped over themselves to validate the fact that Not ALL people feel negative toward "mothers who gave birth" to children who were adopted the Question was violated and deleted and is here again to be hashed out ... It is a never ending tread-mill of these kinds of Questions.... all designed to imply AP's and PAP's are just evil people full of hate toward another person they want to takes baby so they can raise a child they can miss-treat, lie to and turn against the "mother who gave birth" to them....

Talk about promoting a negative view point and attempting to stereotype!

Answer 11

I dont think that all birth mothers are like that, but you have to understand, that alot of adoptees go through different feelings. I have known other adoptees to resent their birthmothers for giving them up, and some feel that birthmothers are the be all and end all. Alot of people on here also think that APs and PAPs are greedy vultures too. Your going to come across alot of mixed feelings and opinions on here.

But no, I cant say that I think any less of anyone on here for being honest and having the guts to share feelings. I dont think bad of you. I dont know you so how can I judge you?

We all make descisions in life that are not always right, or ones that we bare scars from, but that doesnt make anyone bad to the core.

God bless

Answer 12

because some bmoms are not good people...just like some ap are not good people. my bmom is in jail again for "scoring" and just wants money and more help that she will waste yet again. I lived with her some(total of three years spanned out over 11years) on and off and from 11(when i was officially taken away for good) to 22 did not know where she was and since i found her she has been nothing but a thorn in my side and a knife in my heart. I think God for the good bmoms and good ap everywhere and pray for the lost ones that abuse, connive and have no regard for the children they damage in the wake of their selfish lives.

Answer 13

I am 34 and adopted.  I have never met my biological mom but would like to, whether or not she turned out to be a good person.  The point is, when i think that she could have had an abortion and i might not be here right now it makes me know that she did the right thing!  She coudl be a complete jerk or a saint but i know she is good enough b/c she didn't kill me. So you are right...people should realize that biological mothers made the right choice...forget that they got pregnant at the wrong time and realize that once they did they did a really good thing!!!

Answer 14

I don't think all bmoms are good and alas not all aparents are good, depending on how you define good.  Even in our children's case, where the mother was severly neglectful and allowed abuse to happen, she is not a "bad" person but one who struggled with mental health problems.

Answer 15

My husband is adopted and I have the utmost respect for both his mothers. He is from India and his mother decided rather than have him starve to death they placed him with a missionary nurse who brought him back from the brink of death as he was starving. It happened that his twin brother did die as well as his parents from starvation. I had the opportunity to meet the nurse who took him him and I thanked her for doing so. Had all those involved not made the decision they made I wouldn't have a wonderful husband and father for my boys. My best friend is also a first mother and I respect her for making the decision she made. The other poster is correct in saying no one will understand unless they themselves have had to give up a child. It's the same with having an abortion (personal experience) I know I'll regret that for the rest of my life.

Answer 16

I feel that not all birth mother's are bad. But when you see that some birth mothers have 2 or 3 children like one I know of giving her child one at a time up for adoption (please there are birth control). What has happened to keeping the child and raising the child (with the father's help).  Or better yet if the father wants to raise the child then so be it.  I feel for most of the children that can't get over the fact that they were gave away at birth. They are bitter and that is sad.

   Birth mother's are not the only ones stereotype. the natural father's are treated worse example most are called dead beat and when a father steps up and says I want my child it's like oh well figth us (the adoption agency the birth mother and the couple) for your god given right to raise you oun child. I just wonder if more father's steped up and the birth mother made to pay child support to the fathers just how many dead beat mothers would they be.

Answer 17

that way they can teach their adoptive kids to just love them. then when they go up they won't go looking for their first moms

Answer 18

I've seen this question a lot lately and I'm getting more and more concerned that I'm missing something here.  I haven't seen anyone (recently) attack "all" b-parents in general, but perhaps I missed it.  

Many of us a-parents will be the first to admit that we do not feel that all b-parents are bad.  While my son's b-parents did/do have issues and were not "good parents", they knew that and chose to make an adoption plan for their son.  I respect that and have the utmost respect and admiration for them for making that decision.  I do not approve of the neglect that my son received, but I also realize that not every b-parent is like that and would certainly not want people to feel that way.  

I have said this before and I will continue to say it on Y!A, every adoption situation is different.  Everyone will have a different experience and everyone will have a different outcome.  We need to respect each other.  We may not always agree with each other, but the "generalizations" on ALL b-parents or ALL adoptees or ALL a-parents, needs to stop.

Answer 19

I think MOST* birth moms are angels. It takes a true angel to give up their baby so he/she can have the best life possible. I think it's very nobel and brave.

* mom's who have their children taken from them because they are using drugs or in other was are hurting their children are not age ls and deserve the bad birth mom stereo type.

Answer 20

What are bmoms?

Why in the world did I get all those thumb downs? I have to know what a bmom is to answer the question!!!