Why do some people think birth mothers are horrible people?

Question

Just looking through questions and answers and some people believe that birth mothers are horrible, irresponsible, unloving people. Do they have any idea how difficult of a decision that is? How much thought goes into it? How difficult it is to do?

I just never realized before today how many people are hostile about adoption. Yes, it's imperfect, but it's better than some of the other alternatives for certain people. And isn't it better to be alive? Why so much hatred to birth mothers? More than likely it wasn't that "they didn't want you," but that they wanted what was best for you and they couldn't provide that themselves. They are just people, like the adoptive parents and the adoptees.

Answer 1

"Birthmother" is an outdated term, and further I find it offensive. I only have one mother.

I do think SOME mothers are horrible people, if you ever met my mother you'd understand.

Sadly, SOME mothers, including mine, did what was best for themselves, not their children.

Sadly, SOME mothers, when found by their abandoned adult children continue to reject their children and I do find those types of mothers "horrible, irresponsible, and unloving."

And no, it isn't always better to be alive, abortion is a better alternative than the adoption horror show.

Answer 2

While both my son's birthparents had their share of problems and while I do not necessarily agree with the lifestyle that they have chosen, I certainly do not think they are horrible people.  How could I hate the people who gave birth to my child?  That would just seem crazy to me.  

Ironically, I think that this Y!A category has more people who dislike adoptive parents or think that they are horrible people rather than the biological family.  But I've just come to learn that everyone has their own opinion and we have to respect that.  

Just my personal thought on your question.

Answer 3

i think your read to much into it evry one has a veiw on evrything....   its just you read alot abut adoption nd what people have to say about  it......   But if it makes you feel better my youngest child is adopted... and i have a very good relationship with the birthmother..in fact i have a tremondous amount of respect for her......and i only new her for 2 mnths before we adopted......try not to think to much about it....happy holidays

Answer 4

The way I feel about it is ... the birth mother cares enough about her baby not to have an abortion. Unless you were in her shoes, you would never know how hard it was to give up a baby for the sake of the little one's future. I just think it is sick when the father walks out... they are the ones to put to shame.

Answer 5

I look up to people who choose adoption.  It is very very selfless.

Answer 6

i didnt give my children up but they are now adopted now,

mine were taken away form me, because my x huspand

beating me up.

that doesnt make me a bad person, does it?

i know how you feel though, people thank its my fault,

but now im hunting for them and i will one day see them again ,boy i sure do miss them.

i now have a boy 6 yrs ,

and a girl, one  and 3 step children also.

i know i cant replace the ones i had, but it sure fullfills some of the empty space in my heart , and one day your empty space will be filled to. your not a bad person , you did what was best at the time.

Answer 7

You must know this first hand.

Answer 8

I think there is a general impression that most natural mothers ('birth mother' is an outdated term) made a 'CHOICE', therefore, some adoptees are hurt that their mother would choose to give them away.  The truth, (not the propaganda invented by the adoption indusrty) is that MOST women in the US and elsewhere, in 1950 or 2008 simply do/did not have the resources to parent, and are backed into a corner.  Period.

The reasons change over the generations, and countries, but some of the main reasons are/were, lack of a husband, lack of family support, lack of money.  As a poster here, I think it was Tish, asked of a girl who was considering  giving her child up for adoption, would you give your baby up if you were to win the lottery tomorrow?

It's really not much of a decision for most.  It's a surrender.  You ought to read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler.  Your local library should have a copy.

Many APs are initially grateful to mothers who provide them with longed for children, but then many have diminished attitudes towards these once-admired women. Once they get this wonderful baby, they can't imagine what kind of awful person would give them up.  First she's a Madonna, then she's a w***e.

My own adoptive mother always touted her 'virginity until marraige',  she wore this like a medal.  She refered to my natural mother as 'the woman who gave birth to you'.  How different is that term than 'birth mother'?  Both imply that my mother, and the source of 50% of my DNA, and link to my human history, is nothing more than a bad girl who provided a good, deserving girl with a child.  She is seen as an incubator to deliver a baby to an 'appoved' adoption agency sanctioned mother.  

I believe in family preservation, not providing infertile people with other people's children to raise.  

What's best for most children is to be raised with their natural mothers.

Answer 9

Mothers who adopt are wise and doing whats right. What would people rather they do? Abort? That's not what God wants. If people don't like their decision, the h**l with them. Their loosers. They made the right decision to adopt and God will bless them for it. :)

Answer 10

Bless you for telling the truth! The trolls did try to make the best out of a bad situation and are now falsely accusing us for their mistakes. So much for their saccharine coating.

Answer 11

Yes, I agree. Too often I have read comments here calling natural mothers drug addicts, irresponsible, lazy, abusive whatever. I find it disgusting.

I found my mother a few years ago and she has never been any of those things - she's a hard working, caring, loving person. It's a shame I had to spend most of my life apart from her.

Answer 12

I lost my child to adoption and don't think that I am a horrible person, but do think that the adoption system is a horrible system and losing a child is a horrible experience.

I believe that I could have provided for my son, but I was not given the reinforcement, positive feedback (that so many prospective adopting women seem to need/want/expect) with which to do this.

The term birthmother is a total fabrication of the adoption agencies. Do you think that a mother who lost her child to adoption would like to be reduced to a woman who gives birth only? Do you think that it was OUR voice that was heard when agencies decided upon the language to be used? The "birthmother" term is used ONLY to denigrate and demean the relationship between women and the children whom they lost to adoption. Women, such as my son's adoptive mother, were not secure enough in their roles as adoptive mothers to accept that their adoptive children had natural mothers, first mothers, mothers, so they needed to plaster a label on us to make us feel less. Guess what, I don't accept the label. I'm mom.

Answer 13

I just had to chime in...  Anyone calls me a "natural" or "first" mother is gonna get a smack in the chops.  

I am a BIRTHMOTHER.  I was there for his BIRTH and ONLY his birth.  His "natural" and "first" mother is the woman who sat with him through his illnesses, changed his diapers, saw his first steps, helped him with homework, and (hopefully) watched him graduate from college with pride.

Birthmother is not an outdated term, and I resent those who are not birthmothers telling ME what I should be called.

Answer 14

Okay  yes "birth" mother is an outdated term.  I have spoken with thousands of them across this country.  They don't like that term and prefer first or natural mothers.  That term defines them by one experience.  My natural mother is way more than birth mother.  She is the mother of my two brothers, she is the wife to her husband, and she is the daughter of her parents.  She is many things.  Its time to be respectful to mothers. All mothers.  

Yes I do agree that there is a great deal of hostility towards natural mothers.  There is fear and insecurity on the part of adoptive parents.  The adoption industry as a whole feeds this fear and insecurity massively.  The NCFA tells adoptive parents to call their children's natural parents ~ biological strangers while trying to convince natural mothers are good mothers.  Which is it?  Biological stranger or good mother?  

My own adoptive mother battled with that and overcame.  Even though she pushed me into it, she still had to deal with her own insecurity about it.  Fortunately she never believed the hype.  

If you want to increase adoption, allow adoptees and their families access to the adoption records.  If you want to decrease abortion, allow adoptees and their families access to the adoption records.  

If a woman willing puts her child up for adoption, she never considered abortion to begin with.  If a woman is having an abortion, then adoption is not going to help her.  She doesn't want to go through the rest of her life never knowing her child.

Answer 15

Well first you must ask yourself what type of birth mother? Yes there must be a halo around the heads of women who choose adoption. Try to have a healthy pregnancy and choose the best possible parents to raise this wonderful child. However, there are birth Mom's that have the child/baby taken away from abuse/neglect. They choose to keep there child in a situation that wasn't in the child's best interest. I myself have had the privilege to adopt from both scenarios. I applaud woman that  have the interest of the child. It's extremely selfless. Please understand that birth mom's come in many forms.

Answer 16

We have a wounderfull relationship with our birthmother and her family, some people just diiferant.

Answer 17

Not all birth mothers are horrible. The ones that are ,are the ones that choose to keep their children and then abuse and/or neglect them. Women who give their children up for adoption are wonderful people. I consider them unselfish and I have a great deal of respect for them. They give up their babies to give them a better chance at a good life that they themselves may not have been able to give. They also give people who may not be able to have children naturally a chance to experiment parenthood. My neice is adopted and I love her dearly, just as much as I love her younger sister who is blood. Word could not express how thankful that I am to my oldest neices birth mother for letting her be in our lives.

Answer 18

I think some of it has to do with the "old school" ideas of birth mothers still being the norm in a very different world.  

Society still has the idea that it is "unnatural" or wrong for a mother to be willing to "give up" her child.

Birth mothers should be lauded for their decisions.

Answer 19

Unfortunately some people have hatred towards the birth mother. Are there mothers out there that  abuse drugs, alcohol, are abusive.(my birth mother was a couple of these things)? Yes! But there are mothers out there because of life circumstances couldn't provide for their children. They wanted too, but couldn't. Either way the decision had to be hard on them. Regarding this hatred towards birth mothers. Some people think there is a competition going on between them(adoptive) and the birth mother. I will tell you this my adoptive mother is my mother. She is the one that took care of me. On the flip side there are some adoptees that are angry with their birth mother, because of the choice the birth mother made. Adoption is emotional all around to the birth mother, to the adoptee and to the adoptive family. There is bound to be charged feelings.

Answer 20

well i was adopted and i do resent my birth mother for her choice but hers was one of embarrassment. i think my anger started when my adopted family members and friends gave me a hard time about not being blood or having a real family. it was all very confusing and emotional. i actually got accused of flirting with my cousin because I'm the adopted one. it was all very traumatic

Answer 21

some people are just narrow minded. They lack empathy and can not see beyond their misconception.

that said, how often do you see a TV special about a great birth mom who "selflessly" gave up her child so that he or she could have a better future? Not much, and if you do it's a melodramatic cheesy lifetime movie! Then compare that with the news about parents who lock their kids in the basement or starve and torture their kids. The media really encourages people to view the birth families as monsters.

If I had a dollar for every time a therapist said, you must be angry with your (bio)mom........... what a joke! I was expected to hate her. Unless you've been adopted or fostered, you have no idea what it is like. Seriously, the counselors I had as a kid as well as the families I lived with tried to convince me that my (bio)mom was a bad person.Try not to be harsh with people who are angry/hurt/hostile with their bio families. You can not heal from that kind of pain easily

Answer 22

I think that birth mother's loved their child enough to know that they could not give them the life they deserved and knew someone else could ,

Answer 23

I don't think birth mothers are horrible. However, I DO think that my son's birth mother is horrible. She was on drugs while she was pregnant, and then she proceeded to allow her boyfriend to sexually abuse him until he was 3 years old, which is when I adopted him. He's 17 now and still dealing with these issues. So I don't think all birth mothers are horrible, just this kind.

Answer 24

People are free to use any term they like for their biological mother. I don’t find anything to be outdated its all about what a person feels comfortable with.  Natural mother to me just seems too weird I prefer using birth “mother” or genetic “mother”.  You look at someone like Tmarie99 who prefers to be called a birthmother, and I’m sure she isn’t the only biological mother who prefers that term. Most genetic mothers are doing what they feel is best for their birthchild and I don’t think they should have to take flack from people just because they did what they felt was best. That they didn’t want to kill their child which some people don’t want to do. Life is better then death IMO.   I’m glad I got to live and wasn’t aborted. Adoption actually saved me in many ways.  For that I will always be gratefully.

Winning the lottery, that would likely not even happen so its one of those big what if questions. And is a bit pointless since the chances of winning are slim not to mentioned if this young mother is putting her child up for adoption or even thinking about it, her funds could be spent better then buying a lottery ticket.

Many people pre-judge people and thats what happens in the cases of some birhtparents.  If someone is totaly agasint adoption they are going to think poorly of birhtparents who place their birthchildren for adoption. They will have the mind frame of some who say parent or kill. (abort).

Answer 25

I have know idea, but I agree, plus many people would love to adopt children because they can't have any of their own, so the birth mother is giving joy to another couple.

Answer 26

because ur child thinks you abandoned them

Answer 27

I don't know why some ppl are down on birth mothers.  I know mine had problems and could not be a proper mother.  

We have a good relationship now that I'm an adult. I have no resentment towards her because she wasn't able to raise me.

Answer 28

I don't think birth mothers that choose to raise their children are horrible people, I think birth mothers who CHOOSE drugs, alcohol, boyfriends and prostitution over their children are horrible people. I live in Maryland and that is what I mostly see. Everyone has choices, and it is the choices that they make that we all have to live with. I know it is hard for a birth mother to give up her child, but all of the cases I've seen, the children are taken by social services. These birth mothers know what is in front of them and they have THEIR priorities in order by their choice.

Answer 29

I completely agree, I'd much rather see someone given up for adoption than murdered before they had a chance!