Why do some people try to change the way adoptive parents feel about their child's adoption?

Question

Why do some people try to change the way adoptive parents feel about their child's adoption?

Answer 1

Because parenting should be about the children.

Not always, but usually, aparents make it all about them.

I forgot who it was, but whoever said it was very wise.

'A child should not be born with a job to do.'

Usually adopted children are taken in to do something.

Make someone feel better about their own infertility, or to complete a family.

The child should always come first.

That should be it, unfortunatly it rarely is.

Answer 2

I understand that there are some really good adoptive parents out there and even the 'best' ones out there make their share of mistakes as no parent is perfect...we know this.  I am not sure if you are referring any specific example to your questions.

I will say that if I ever say something to sway an AP's thought about how they perceive their child it's not out of malice towards them, but actually because I want the best for their adoptive child.  Any parents (regardless of being an AP or not) should have their child's best interest at heart. I think that some AP's do get this misconception that adoptions are ideal for everybody or adopt for the wrong reasons when really it's more than, "Hey I WANT a child so lets adopt."

I've heard it far too often where AP's thinks more along the lines of, "Okay, it's going to cost this, here is the timeline, blablabla..." but they don't stop for one second during the waiting period of having that child & think how that child will be affected in the long run.  Not saying all don't think about the child but initially most do not.

Answer 3

A better question is: why would an adoptive parent allow anyone else to dictate how they feel about their child's adoption?

Kristy, I sense some frustration from you and I think you are taking what some people say about adoption personally, but in doing so I also think you are taking what they are saying out of context.

It's about common sense. There is caustic nastiness for caustic nastiness sake and that should be ignored as it's only being offered for its shock value. Some people reeeaaaalllly need the attention. HOWEVER, there is also real advice from real adoptees that are not in the business of telling you how to feel... they are simply trying to tell you how your child might feel. Does their advice make sense? For the most part it does for me. Take the parts that will benefit your child and throw the rest out.

NO ONE can dictate your experience and no one can make you feel inferior without your permission and it sounds like you are allowing that to happen and therefore missing a great opportunity to get a leg up on helping your child deal with any issues that may arise. Hey, maybe they won't, but chances say they will.

As an AP I understand that sometimes it feels like we are put on the defensive, but that can only happen if we let it. If we are secure then it goes a long way to helping our children be secure.

Answer 4

I admire people who challenge us to think about the corruption in the adoption system and ask adoptive parents to self-evaluate their perpetuation of the marketing and coercion that is rampant in infant adoption.

For myself, I gave up on most adoptive parents a while back - their thinking is too entrenched in adoption la-la land thanks to the US happy-clappy adoption culture.

I prefer to expend my energy to eliminate the need for adoption and to educate young parents who are considering adoption about the loss for themselves, their families, and above all, the poor children who they exile.

Answer 5

So... here's a question, if I am fostering a child and get the option to adopt should I?  'Cause for some strange reason the adoption section of y/a makes me feel like I should just throw them back to the world instead of having the chance that I would be considered selfish.  It would be unthinkable and selfish of me to take my needs of wanting to keep that child overshadow their needs, right?  

I am not adopted and would never presume to know what an adopted person has gone through, but neither does anyone else.  You know what happens in YOUR life, what YOUR experience with adoption is.  Don't ever assume that every single adoptee in the world has the same idea.  It could be the best, or the worst, experience but you should never insult someone who is raising a child just because they weren't born of them.

Answer 6

There seems to be a feeling among jaded adoptees that all a-parents are some how selfish people who want children as a life accessory.  They seem to believe that a-parents are all stealing children from natural mothers who would be just fine if the a-parents would just give them money and let them keep their babies.  Many of them think that a-parents view their children as a very elaborate pet.  

Perhaps there are a-parents out there who do that, but I've yet to meet them.  I sometimes have to wonder what these children felt about their adoptive parents when they were two, when they were 5, when they were 7.  Did they really already resent them so much then?  Did they feel like a piece of jewlry when their parents were cleaning up vomit from a tummy bug or driving them to soccer practice?  Maybe so, maybe their parents really thought of them that way and were annoyed when they were sick, and made them take ballet instead because little girls shouldn't play soccer or something.  I don't know.  

If there are a-parents out there who really do treat their adoptive children like a purse, then that's very bad, and they need to change the way they think.  I don't doubt that there are SOME who do...  after all, there are some NATURAL parents who think this way.  Sadly, many teenagers today seem to think that a baby is akin to a fashion statement - so I don't doubt there are some 36-year-old potential adoptive mothers thinking the same thing.  

I doubt, however, that many adoptive parents that are interested enough in their children's lives to bother reading up on adoption and adoption related difficulties are in that boat.  Besides, no one can really change how you feel about your child!  I think mostly it just makes them feel better about themselves if they can slander other people.

Answer 7

It's not about changing how someone feels about his or her child's adoption.  It's about challenging one's thinking in terms of everything that adoption encompasses.

Answer 8

Adoptive parents should feel however they feel about their child's adoption.

But there is a certain amount of fantasy-life going on about what adoption really means for the child.  The parents can (and should) feel happy to have the child in their lives.  But let's not kid ourselves about what adoption is.  

Too often, the happiness seems to come with a healthy dose of ignorance (denial?).  That's what I'm out to change, personally.

Answer 9

Everyone thinks their own opinion is the only opinion that can be right...otherwise that wouldn't be their opinion, right?

Answer 10

Because I care about your kid, and his inner life.

I don't really care how you 'feel'.  I would, however, like to wake adoptive parents up a bit about what their kids go through emotionally.

If you have an adopted kid who reaches adulthood and claims they NEVER had ANY issue with their adoption, you have raised a child who you do NOT know intimately.  

I mean, isn't that the point...to be close enough to a person you call your child, so that they'll share their feelings with you?

So often adopted kids have to manage their feelings lest they upset APs.  Adopted kids have ENOUGH to deal with--we're asking you to be strong and brave enough to admit that adoption isn't perfect, and that it might be difficult to be adopted.

APs who have invested to heavily in fantasy, and not in the reality of their child's issues (I've never met an adoptee who doesn't have them) are really in it for themselves, not to be a resource for their children.  We go underground with our stuff--VERY early.  For me it was defiantly elementary school.

Why are APs so resistant to hearing it?

Answer 11

I don't think that adoptees are trying to change the way adoptive parents feel about THEIR child's adoption.  I think their real purpose is to educate people in general about the broken system of adoption, and ways that it can be repaired.

I doubt any adoptee or first mother on this list is trying to make me feel personally that I shouldn't have adopted my children.  It seems to me that they are trying to point out that I should be strongly aware of the feelings of loss my children may/will have in regard to losing their first family, and never to negate or belittle those feelings.

Answer 12

The power differential in adoption silences many adoptees from speaking up and actually feeling the pain of their abandonment. Adoptive parents can feel however they want about the adoption, but when it creates an environment of fear, even if that's only a 'feeling' that comes across in the house, they will shut down. This is what many refer to as the fog. It takes a lot of growing up and differentiating from that power dynamic, realizing that we can have our own personal authority and voice to speak about our experiences, before an adoptee can challenge the status quo. Many still stay infantized, because let's be honest, that's much safer...

But think about it this way...In a rape case do we care how the rapist felt while perpetrating the woman? What that's how he feels pleasure? Do we have any right to tell him that his feelings about the situation are wrong? Or do we say...that woman was a victim and her feelings of being violated are more important?

In the case of slavery, do we look back and say those slave owners were right in feeling that black people weren't human and therefore should be treated terribly? Or do we look back (or even to modern day versions of discrimination/racism) and say, they should get to feel violated, because they were, and the white slave owners' feelings about the matter are less important.

I think that many AP's should take a step back from their personal giddiness and pleasure in adoption and step into the shoes of their children and really create an honest and safe environment for the children to express exactly how they are feeling...

Answer 13

Same reason some people feel like they have the right to tell you how to feel about ANYTHING.  Some people just think they have all the answers, they live their lives in black and white with no shades of gray.

Answer 14

Awe, its still about the "feelings" of the poor victim AP's.

I can't believe in this day and age that there are so many Ap's that can't or are incapable of looking at how their agendas and wants are affecting the feelings and lives of a mother and her child.

But to answer your question, education and awareness is good thing and Aps' should want to open up their eyes and ears and listen. I can't believe that those Ap's would expect everyone else to turn a blind eye to how "adoption" has turned into baby buying.  I feel sorry and have "pity" for the Aps that can't naturally create a family of their own but that doesn't mean I will personal ignore the dirty deeds that Ap's contribute and/or turn a blind eye to.    

As another poster said about a mother struggling with disease of addiction(Randy).............I will say this to the Aps' running around buying up kids, I will not enable nor condone the poor decisions and immorality of Aps that are hurting another person and destroying a part of their soul and life.

Answer 15

It's better that I try and help them understand how their child *may* feel about their adoption rather than having them tell me how to feel about my own living, breathing, VERY MUCH ALIVE [biological] parents.

Answer 16

hi kristy

very often, adoption is thought of as "a win-win" for everyone, pregnant women are marginalized for the sake of adoption ("adoption is the new pregnant"...for example), and adoptees are expected to be happy and grateful for being "saved" from their horrible "birthparents."

i don't see it as "change" per se... yet giving aparents the "other side" of adoption that might be a little "less than rosy".

Answer 17

Adoptive parents should feel however they feel about their child's adoption.

But there is a certain amount of fantasy-life going on about what adoption really means for the child. The parents can (and should) feel happy to have the child in their lives. But let's not kid ourselves about what adoption is.

Too often, the happiness seems to come with a healthy dose of ignorance (denial?). That's what I'm out to change, personally.