Why do some think it's a perspective adoptive parents' responsibility to...?

Question

...throw money at disadvantaged mothers who chose adoption for their children, instead of adopting children whose parent's have already relinquished their parental rights?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080728061545AAG82yo&r=w&pa=FZptHWf.BGRX3OFPgDNXVVb0BAf_Sek_HhJQuyVtTrLWY2AgCw--&paid=answered#RYFdMETtMzKoMbH0kO7G

Answer 1

I am adopted and I think it is a silly idea for couples to give a woman money to keep her child.  The federal and state gov. has programs to help woman and families stay together.  If I found out my mother keep me just to get getting money from people who were willing to raise me I would be ticked.   That would mean my birth mother used me for her own gain.

Answer 2

Kristy, I think you sort of missed the point of my question. I'm not trying to be rude, but in your response you said that if you went back in time, it wouldn't change anything.

What makes you say that?

The whole point of my question was to ask: if you *knew* it was possible to change the outcome, hypothetically, if you knew you could have possibly went back in time to help out your son's original mother - would you?

Obviously right now, you can't. And at the time, you couldn't either, as you say. Right? And obviously, if a child's mother is a drug dealer or in mental therapy, she is not fit to be a mother. I don't know your son's story and I'm not going to claim to or assume facts.

All I'm saying is that IF you *could* go back in time to change the outcome - would you?

Answer 3

I feel like 'tickled blue' hit the nail on the head.  Your answer, tickled, describes my mother's relinquishment of me almost perfectly.  In my mother's case, it wasn't about money.  Or at least it was *mostly* not about money.  She didn't have a place to live -- plain and simple.  Her father told her that if she didn't relinquish me, she couldn't come home.  My mother was not a teenager when I was born.  She was an adult, graduated from high school, in college, never did drugs, never committed a crime, never...well, she was not all the stereotypes I see thrown around on this board of what (some) people assume a "birthmother" is.  She changed her mind about relinquishment many, many times.  Her one and only desire was to keep me, love me, raise me...be my MOM.

Please try to remember that discrimination against unwed mothers was "high and fine" at the time my mother had me (early 70s).  She did everything she could think of, or knew about, to try to keep me.  She was denied housing in many, many places because, at that time, it was socially acceptable to perpetuate that kind of discrimination.  She literally had NO OTHER OPTION.  She knew that trying to raise me with no home would be irresponsible.  She did sign the papers.  She did it voluntarily, but with the deepest heartbreak imaginable.  The two are not mutually exclusive.

With the *slightest* support, my mother would have raised me very successfully.  She is successful now (measured by societal standards: money, career, education, marriage, family, etc.) and my having been there would not have changed that.  I have three biological siblings by her who I love dearly and am growing very close to.

I don't know if this makes any sense or if you will even read this all the way through.  My mother was not 'disadvantaged' -- at least not in the ways that people assume would lead to relinquishment.  Her parents were both in the medical field, her father a doctor.  It was just the way it was at the time.  Unmarried mothers were 'unacceptable'.  They were 'damaged'.  If only she could have seen into the future and known how soon that stereotype would dissipate.  If only her father could have.

Do I love my mother -- yes!  Do I wish she could have raised me -- yes!  Do I love my adoptive parents -- YES!!!  It does not have to be one or the other.  It's not for me.

Take care.

Answer 4

i think that people want to help out third world countries, or countries were proverty is very high. some do it by giving money to charities to help families feed themselves and stay together. others do is by adopting, i guess. adoption shouldn't be the only choice to help out these families. there are other ways too, adoption of their children shouldn't be the one and only option. i really don't think the asker of that question was meaning any disrespect, because she has spoken up for AP's before.

Answer 5

Everyone has their own views based mainly on their own experiences.  For me, I've seen adoption be a positive thing and while I would always support helping disadvantaged parents who want to keep their child, I also believe that there are many organizations out there that can help disadvantaged parents if they choose to ask for help.  When someone chooses not to parent and wants to make an adoption plan for their child, they should be allowed to do that.  We should not force anyone to parent if that is truly what they do not want to do.  

Just my opinion.   :)

Answer 6

I agree. I helped my daughter's bio mom out all I could. No I would never ever give the child back. First of all, I have had this cihld in my home for over a year now, more than half her life.

She is bonded with myself, my husband (her bio dad) and my sons.  WE are her family. Her bio mom would visit occasionally but not interact with her at all. When her bio mom visited her, she had no responce to her, where as when she sees me she says "mommy" and comes running with her arms out.

Then her bio mom asks me to adopt ehr so she can get out of 18 years of support payments and she uses her income tax refund to pay for half of the adoption.

Then she gets a new guy and leaves the state and when we tried to contact her to tell her the baby had been having multiple seizures and was in the hospital, she changed her number.

She had her chance to be this little girl's mom. She abused and neglected her the entire 8 months she had her and quite possibly cause her brain damage that is causing her seizures now. (we get an MRI next month to see if ther is any brain damage)

Oh and let's not forget the most obvious and important thing when considering if I would give her back. I LOVE  THIS CHILD. Her bio mom has not shown any love for her at all.

Answer 7

Maybe its because some people actually care about a "child's" best interest and its the moral and ethical thing to do.  

Nobody ever says its a paps "responsibility" but if they truly want to do whats best a child than they would try help keep him/her with their mom not force them to go to a different country with a complete stranger who is trying to force them to act like their son/daughter.

I hate to be mean but if you're anything like what you post, you  have some serious issues with morality and ethics. Its a crime that babies are placed with people that have your mentality. Your child didn't want to be placed with you he was forced to because you paid over $20,000 to an attorney to make it happen.  Thats the reality accept it.

Answer 8

Well, when so many adopters are yammering on and on about "helping" children, what are they saying?  Do they truly want to "help" a child or do they just want to help themselves TO one?

Because if your intent is to "help" a child, then if it's in the BEST INTEREST of the  CHILD, then yes, you should be HELPING THE CHILD STAY WITH HIS OR HER FAMILY.  

PERIOD.

Answer 9

If you're coming from a "disavantaged" place, are your really making a "choice"?

If your child's mother had money and opportunity, do you think he'd be living in your home?

NOT A CHANCE.

Her disadvantage, your "meant to be" situation.

Answer 10

I don't think anyone thinks the answer is to 'throw money at disadvantaged mothers'.

The fact is, 99% of adoptions could be prevented if other options were in place already....such as: parenting programs, social services, drug and alcohol treatment that was free, better educations, better sexual education, better access to good quality jobs and schools, etc.

I think you are missing the point. Few mothers 'choose' adoption for their children. While they may actually sign the papers and hand over their child, there are very few women who want to do this...who want to relinquish their child to a stranger or family member. But, because there are no other options or no other percievable options, she reluctantly 'chooses' to give up her child. Few mothers feel good about their decision and few mothers are happy to see their child raised by someone other than themselves...or not see their child at all ever again. While there are exceptions, they are rare.