Why do the adoption haters degrade natural mothers who want their child to grow up with a father?

Question

My son's natural mother sought out my adoption agency. They did not seek her out. She's a very strong woman, and not a mindless idiot like some adoption haters make her out to be. Her main reason for putting my son up for adoption was so he would have a father. I completely understand that a single mom can do a great job as a parent on her own, but based on years and years of research, it has been proven children as a whole are more successful in a two parent home. I'm not saying this is always the case, but as a whole. My point is, if my son's natural mother made this choice on her own, without any coersion, why do adoption haters degrade her for it? She does struggle with some depression but she has told us it is because certain people have degraded her for her decision. When she's with people who support her, she feels good about herself. When she is around adoption haters, she gets depressed. Who's the bad guy here? Doesn't sound like it is me or the adoption agencies.

Answer 1

Fortunately, most single moms do not fall for this line of c**p (husband-wife family is always better) anymore.

Answer 2

I am a birthmom and there is someone in my church who is totally against adoption. Her son-in-law was adopted and she states that his birthmom abandoned him. It's hard to hear that because I really love my baby and wanted what was best. I still have another year of high school to go. Adoption is a lot different now and people don't seem to realize it. I live in a single parent home and it's been really tough. I wanted what was best for my child. I am very blessed to have found a great family. The birthfather and I have an open adoption with the family. Glad to hear your situation is working. Gives me a better hope for mine :)

Answer 3

Yes it is very sad its just comes down to prejudging. Women who willing give their child up for whatever reason should not have to take c**p from people. They did what they felt was best for their child, they should be congratulated. Sure people do divorce but typical even if that happens both parents stay in the child’s life. Some do joint-custody or regularly weekly visitations  Perhaps this lady son’s biological father was unknown or didn’t care to be in the kids life. So his birthmother wanted him to have two parents. Even if something happened unless it was a death he’d still have two parents.    It is true that Children typical do better in 2 parent homes or where 2 parents are activity in their lives. Adopted or natural it doesn’t matter.   Boys do better with a strong father or father figure in their life. Its true look at most of the young men criminals’ one thing many of them have in common is that they had no good father figured to look up too.  

Everyone has opinions on things. For things that support things or say its this way, you’ll find someone else that says the exact opposite its just what you choose to believe or want to believe.  After all not all adoptees feel they have lost something by not being raised by their biological family. I only gained with my adoption and I wouldn’t trade the family that has raised me for my biological "family" in a gazillion years.

Answer 4

Is this question aimed toward adult adoptees? I didn't get that feeling!

Nothing is a guarantee, but if a couple is looking to adopt, the odds are they're in if for the long haul. You don't accidentally get an adopted child. but you can get accidently get pregnant. I know MANY adoptive couples and NONE of them have divorced and are very stable couples.

I would have to be single and near death to chose adoption for my child, but I could see how a woman would want a father for her baby and not want to do it alone. Some women fear tha having a baby will make it harder to find a lifelong mate. WHo really knows? It's up to her! I think some women create reasons why they place because they don't want to seem selfish for not wanting their baby. It helps them coape

Answer 5

Seriously! How old are you people? This sounds like a bunch of school aged children taunting one another on the playground. What are "adoption haters" anyway?

I stumbled across this message board while searching records to find my heritage. I am shocked and hopefully, I misread these statements.  Am I an adoption hater? As you so eloquently put it!

I was adopted a little over 30 years ago and of course I am bitter.  Wouldn't you be slightly bitter if you had an existence, a name, but you were not allowed or permitted to know what it was? What if you had siblings, but no way of contacting them or even knowing if they are alive?  What if you were 30 years old and just finding out that you had siblings? Do you know where you were born?  Do you know what your name was? I'll bet you do.  Closed adoptions are not like adoptions of today.  We were erased, our existence changed.  My original birth certificate is sealed in some dusty cabinet, hidden away like a dirty little secret.  Yeah! All those things make you bitter.  I had great parents.  Cannot complain there.  Love them with all my heart.  But that doesn't change the fact that my existence for the first 4 months of my life was stricken.  I think you should clarify what an "adoption hater" is.  

Adoption is a wonderful alternative to the unfortunate legal alternative of abortion.  I have nothing against adoption and I don't believe most (and yes, I said MOST) people would say otherwise.  We don't hate adoption.  Adoption can be wonderful.  Many loving families desperately want children, but cannot have them and unfortunately many irresponsible men and women create unwanted children.  Adoption can help these children grow up in a stable environment where they are wanted and loved.  Want we don't agree with closed records, sealed files, and hidden identities.  I am assuming that your son is still young.  If this is the case, I would suggest that you be sure that he is aware of who he is and where he came from, when he is old enough to grasp it.  It is an emotional experience, that cannot be explained unless you have been there.  I do not care what the excuses for my birthmother are.  The facts remain the same.  I just want my records open.  If your son has his original name and knows who his birthmother/family is, then that's great for him.  But, do not assume that bitter adoptees are all "Adoption Haters".   We just want the same histories that natural families have.  

I have three darling children.  I adore each and every one of them.  Giving birth to each was a bitter sweet moment for me.  For a brief few seconds, I put myself there...where she was.  Could I give this angel away?  There would have been nothing on this earth that could have removed my babies from my arms.  I would have moved h**l and high water for them.  And yes, I was a single mother for the first 7 years of their lives.  And they are great!  You know why!  Because I loved them enough for ten parents!!  Children do not NEED the latest XBOX or techno gadget or fancy toy.  They do not NEED the most famous brand clothing or the latest and greatest sneaker with some basketball star on the side.  What they NEED is someone to LOVE them and guide them with ethical morals and eternal, undying, unwaivering love!  That's what I gave my three babies and it didn't take two to do that.  

How do you know that you will be a two parent family tomorrow?  

It's not "adoption haters" that you should be concerned with.  It's ignorance in what adoption used to be, and still is in some cases.  Ignorance is the only explanation for the statement that you have posted for the world to read.  Pure unadulterated Ignorance.

Now I believe it is time for me to continue my quest for unlocking the mystery of what my name was!  A luxury many take for granted. Good Day!

Answer 6

WOW!  Not going to even touch this one with a ten foot pole!

If this situation worked out best for ALL of you, then great!  Leave it at that and move on with life!

Answer 7

Firstly - why do you keep calling your son's natural mother - 'your' natural mother??? It's kind of confusing?!?

She most likely gets depressed because she gave up her child.

Derrrrr.

She's probably happier when she doesn't hear the bad adoption stuff - because she doesn't want to admit to herself that maybe it does hurt inside a h**l of a lot.

People should be allowed to explore their own emotions about how they really feel about an event that effected them.

And often that can take a long time to work through.

I don't know really.

Ultimately it's between her - and her therapist - who I hope she is seeing - as she's gone through a whole heap of grief.

Sure - she made a decision that she felt was right for her.

That's fine.

But she should still be allowed to grieve for giving up a child.

If her child had died - that would be allowed.

Why not allow her to grieve what she has lost???

Personally - I know so many adoptive parents that have divorced.

That argument really is an old and lame argument.

Children actually fair better when they are allowed to stay with their own biological parents - first and foremost. Whether that be one or two.

Adoption is a short term fix to a long term problem.

Obviously - you just don't want to believe that.

Answer 8

i've never met an "adoption-hater."

my aunt and her husband adopted two adorable little girls a few years ago.

worked well for them.

i'm sure some people have had bad experiences. like every thing else, if you put ten people in a room, you will get eleven different opinions.

Answer 9

Many people are adopted into two parent households, but that is not a guarentee it will stay that way. My adoptive parents divorced, so placing a child so that he/she will have two parents is no promise for the future.

Answer 10

First, what is an "adoption hater?"

Second, whatever gave you the idea than any adult adoptees were degrading natural mothers?  I have not read anything on Yahoo Answers that implied natural moms were mindless idiots (except from a few adoptive parents).

I see you acknowledge that your adopted child's mother "does struggle with some depression."  Are you certain the reasons she gives you are the truth?  Do you think she would tell YOU if she regretted her decision?  Do you think she will "get over" it?  Do you think her depression would go away if she had nothing but support for her decision?

Can you guarantee that yours will be a 2-parent home in 2 years, 5 years, 8 years, 11 years?

My former husband was divorced from his first wife when their daughter was 1 year old, and I know many many adult adoptees whose parents are divorced.  Marriage is hardly a permanent thing in this country - the chances of success are less than half.

My biggest question to you is, Why are you so opposed to hearing the opinions of adult adoptees - good AND bad?  After all, adoption is not ALL good.  A child loses his mother, a mother loses her child.  That is not all good.

Is it?

Edit (in response):  It is clear to me that you read my answer with a tone I refuse to own.  I assure you that my tone in answering was genuinely meant to encourage you to think about all these things for the benefit of your adopted son.  There was no attack - simply questioning your assumptions.  As an adult adoptee whose adoptive parents surely meant well, I do believe my inquiry is valid.

If you dismiss my questions to you which are intended to be thought-provoking, does that mean you will also dismiss your adopted sons questions as he grows?

Your full understanding of these things are important to your adopted son's well-being.

Your "natural mother" is your own mother from whom you were born.  I believe you mean to say your son's mother - or your son's natural mother.  At any rate, I do NOT claim to know her better.  I DO claim to know hundreds of mothers who have been parted from their children through adoption.  I know the stages they all go through, I know what they do to survive.  Yes, I do.  

The LAST thing I think of your son's mother is that she is a mindless idiot.  I have the utmost respect for all mothers who want the best for their children.  I understand their motivations better than you can imagine.  I also understand the repercussions better than you can imagine.

The sad result of this sudden vendetta against adult adoptees and their opinions is that yet more adoptees will grow up without acknowledgment of their losses, without validation for their very real feelings.  Your disdain for our feelings will be clear, and will silence them before they draw breath to speak.  And so the cycle will begin again.

Answer 11

This sounds like a more personal question than anyone outside your circle can really answer.  The only "adoption haters" I know are adoptees who feel pain from being deprived of their natural family. As a natural mother, my experience of these "adoption haters" has been very supportive -- not degrading.

Perhaps your son's mother is depressed because she's relying on other people to validate her decision.  When her decision is supported she feels good.  When it's not supported, she feels depressed.  I'm sure she is not a "mindless idiot", but likely a woman whose thoughts and feelings are not in agreement, experiencing an inner conflict in which she loses awareness of who she really is.  Blaming others for her feelings is not going to help her.   As a "very strong woman" she's suffered a greater loss than she has yet acknowledged because it disagrees with her ideas.  She has to mentally overcome her instincts emotionally and physically.

Losing a child is a great wound, not something easily recovered from.

Answer 12

I think that it shows how much she loves her son. she put him up for adoption to give him a better life. i don't see why people would think that is a bad thing. i also don't have anything against single parents. i do think it's better if a kid has a dad and a mom but it also depends on the situation.

Answer 13

Adoption haters are usually people who have had a bad personal experience with their own adoptions.  However, I know there are some people that did not have a great adoption story and they are still mature enough and open minded enough to talk to others WITH RESPECT.  I am so sorry your baby's biological mother, who probably has a large range of emotions regardin gher very brave and selfless decision has to be reminded over and over again (by people who should be supporting her and helping her) that she gave a child to another loving family.  I would suggest that maybe she go to the  Agency that helped wit hthe adoption and get some counseling regarding her past decision.  She is probably still grieving over her loss.

Answer 14

DR, your 'research' is faulty.  Children do best in 'two-parent' homes when both BIOLOGICAL parents are raising them.  Next best is the child's biological mother raising them.

The adoptive family is even worse than a divorced/step family situation for children. Adopted children have lost their entire families, and suffer emotionally to try and cure their barren parents inability to accept infertility.

Check out Dr. David Kirschner's writings on adoptee (esp. males) statistics in psychological outpatient facilities.  Adoptees suffer FAR greater emotional problems than non-adopted people (even the ones with single mothers).

Your child's natural mother's 'supporters' are the coercive element if her life.  And the 'haters' in her life?  Gee, I thought the only 'haters' were here, just 1 or 2 people with lots of screen names, posting all day long?  

GASP!  Are their more of us?!  I thought everyone LOVED adoption!

Answer 15

until you give away your child, you can never possibly in a million years understand the eternal h**l you will live each day on this earth for that decision. so, have a child, i don't care how you get your baby, keep it for 9 months and then hand it over to someone who tells you  all kinds of propaganda c**p. then after a couple years, come back and tell me ALL about the wonderful, loving support you get from the world. oh, and for those who actually have great experiences giving up their child and everything is coming up "roses". THANK god they gave their child up. they are in no way, shape, or form your average mother, but they are very few and VERY FAR between.