Why do they do this to me? ?

Question

Ok, here is the situation. My husband was in a wedding this weekend for one of his nephews (nephew is 27, husband is 33.) ok, here is the thing. After the ceremony, I walk out of the church to see a party bus! Whoo hoo is what I thought, party time on the bus! Well, I asked the wives of the other groomsmen (groomsmen were all married, all the bridesmaids were single) if they were going on the bus. They didn 't know if we were invited. Well, I said, the bus holds 31 people. There were 14 in the wedding party. My husband is in the wedding party so I am invited. Plus this girl is my new neice. So, I get on the bus...Well this is when the problem starts. My wonderful new neice stared me down like I was the devil. She didn't want me on the bus. hummmm....Well here were my thoughts...I traveled to be there, spent 2 nights in a hotel. Left daughter with a babysitter for two days. Kenneled my dogs, spent about $1000.00 on this wedding (between hotel rooms, gas, gifts, tux rental, food) I was going on the bus. They were going for a two hour bar hop. I was not about to leave my husband with all single bridesmaids and go sit in the hotel for two hours alone (I just have a level of expections for married men, not just mine. I don't believe it is appropriate bahavior to be out drinking with a bunch of women without your wife. But, honestly, that was not the issue. I wanted to have fun too)

So come to find out that she didn't want the wives on the bus and is now upset with us. I feel that there should have been no reason we couldn't go. WE are family, we came to celebrate with them. It is not like I was just a stranger hopping on a party bus. So we are not getting off to a good start. I know it was the brides day, but do you think that she went to far? Or am I being completely stupid?

Answer 1

I have mix feelings.  If your husband was going on the bus he should have asked if you could come along since you are from out of town or made arrangements for the wife's to meet them at the different destinations.  Another option the family members should have made you welcome at a home or where their were spending the time.  

Next time you my ask before getting on the bus or you and your husband could follow the bus.  This should have been planned before the wedding day.

Answer 2

If they were going straight to the reception. I could see them all riding together but if they were going out drinking and partying, forget edequett. You had the right to be there.You were right and the bride is wrong. I would have been on that bus too or my husband would not have been. If she wanted all the bridal party on the bus, she should have had all singles in the wedding. You are right. Forget her, I bet she would not want her new husband to be on a bus full of single brides maids. Maybe you should ask her this whenever you see her again .It is obvious that she did not consider you or the other wives feelings so I would not care about hers. Honey you did the right thing.Good for you! The next time that your husband is invited to be in a wedding party, get details so that this will never happpen again.

Answer 3

I would have done the same thing. Your new niece was behaving rudely and very improperly towards her guests. I'm having a hard time understanding the bride and groom going bar hopping right after the ceremony. Yes, it is her wedding but when you invite people to your wedding you are responsible for them. It is not all about her. She sounds immature and needs to maybe take some lessons in etiquette Your are not stupid and your instincts are right. I would hope your husband would have or does feel the same way you do.

Answer 4

I would probably have wanted to go on the bus too instead of being left in my room all alone. But it is the brides decision. She probably only wanted her wedding party on the bus. Maybe you could have some how gone to the bars with another group of people who attended in another separate vehicle. And you should not be afraid of your husband being with a whole bunch of single women, you should trust him and know that he would do the right thing.

Answer 5

you're right, you should have been invited to be on the bus.  if for no other reason than you woulda been bored for 2 hours waiting for your husband to get to the reception.  sounds like you have a trust issue though with the 'drunk single women' around.  if you married the guy, you shoulda been dead sure he would never be tempted in a situation like that.  don't project your insecurities onto him.

Answer 6

I couldn't agree more with Blunt, she said it like it is, you were wrong and need to apologize.

Have some faith in your husband as well. Does he know how insecure you are about him? That tells me more about you than him...

Answer 7

You were wrong to assume that you were invited on the bus just by virtue of being married to one of the groomsmen. She was wrong to be unclear about her intentions to have a 2 hour wedding-party-only bar crawl before the reception (although I have seen this happen at weddings. I think it's gauche of the wedding party to arrive intoxicated to the reception, but that's just me).

That said, I think you need to be the bigger person and apologize for making an assumption.  

Answer 8

i think she is being retarded. So what it is ur nephews wedding. So what if u go on the party bus if it was me on the bus i would just say to stop looking at me and then forget about it so just forget about it like its nothing u should not get that kind of look for getting on the bus to watch ur husband and to have fun. she is the stupid one not u. So don't get all worked up about it just forget it.  

Answer 9

I think that is c**p. I have like an 18 passenger bus and whoever's significant other can fit on the bus is more than welcome . . the more the merrier!  As long as there is room on the bus

Answer 10

So the wedding party didn't know ahead of time that this was what was going to happen?  By that I mean the bar crawl on the party bus between wedding and reception, not the exclusion of wives.  If it was a surprise to everyone but the bride and groom, then of course I would either expect that significant others would be included or that my husband wouldn't go and leave me behind.  And it's not a trust issue, it's a respect issue.  Sounds like your hubby respects you enough to lay it on the line with the groom, which is great.  The bride needs to get over herself.

Answer 11

I can see how you would be upset, but I can also see that if they went to the trouble to pay to rent a party bus (not cheap, either), and they wanted it for the wedding party only, to go and get blazed before the reception, then that's their decision. It definitely would have been nicer if they specified that this bus trip was for the wedding party only, to avoid the awkwardness.

I agree that it was a little rude of them to do it and obviously not tell anyone else, not to mention excluding you once you realised they meant to leave you and got on the bus anyway, but I don't think that the rudeness for not including you has anything to do with young women on the bus. A party bus and even drunk girls at a wedding don't equal bad behavior. I think you read way too much into that.

What was the setup for the reception? Was there a break between the end of the ceremony and the beginning of the reception, where you would have been waiting in your hotel room anyway while the wedding party did their thing?

Answer 12

I would of been out of my mind mad!  Please tell me your husband decided not to go! lol.  Since your husband was part of the wedding party you most definitely should have been invited.  Someone should have spoken up on your behalf.  My husband was in a few weddings and the only thing i wasn't invited to was the bachelor party.  I would definitely try to clear the air with her now that you guys are "family".  I hope all works out.

PS. you are not stupid ;)

Answer 13

While I agree with Blunt that what you did was an etiquette no no, I think that the bride and groom were even more in the wrong.  Typically yes, there is seperate transportation for the wedding party to the receptions, however, that doesnt meant that they get to take a 2 hour detour to the bars while all the other guests are left waiting...now THAT'S rude!  I'm with you about the married men out partying without thier wives, unless of course they were invited and chose not to go.

So while you were wrong to intrude, they were even more wrong to plan such an event and not invite the spouses so IMO you have a right to be upset.

Just curious....what was your husbands take on all this?  What did he say while all this was happening?

Answer 14

Sorry, but you had no right to impose your presence on the wedding party bus!!! You were wrong.

Typically, the couple has a limousine to shuttle the members of the wedding party only. This is perfectly appropriate and no guests are expected/invited to the limo/bus/trolley service! This is for the bride, groom and the wedding party to enjoy and everyone else has to find their way to the reception on their own.

Just because you are a GM's wife does not make you a member of the wedding party.

I'm sure that you weren't aware of it, but actually that was pretty rude of YOUR part and the bride has the right to feel offended. What you did is a big etiquette no-no.

Sorry, but the one that needs to apologize is you.

Good luck

Answer 15

She obviously just wanted the wedding party to go, it seems normal to me. All the people in her wedding party are obviously the closest or more more important than the other guests. I'm sure she would have like other friends or family to go that weren't in the wedding party. You need to cut off the amount of people to go somewhere. If you were able to go, why not her old friends from school, or her cousins, or his old college roommate and so on and so on.

Its a common thing for the whole wedding party - and just the wedding party to go out. You and the other wives should have gone out on your own. I think you shouldn't be this upset.  

Answer 16

I have two opinions about this.  

The bride and her groom must have been two very self centered people as to not invite the mates of the wedding party.  This includes wifes, husbands, boyfriends, or girlfriends.  

Your husband could have said nope, I ain't going without my wife 'cause I wanna have a great time with my gal.  How many of the guys (or girls) committed to their mates by saying something about it.  They could have made the difference just by speaking up.    And it was not just the bride's day, it was the groom's also.  They deserve each other.

Just pass along an I'm sorry card and state that you didn't realize the spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends were not invited, and didn't mean to cause any conflict, that you just wanted to have fun with your man.  Surely she can understand that.    

Answer 17

When the smoke all clears - apologize to your new niece for not "asking" if you were invited.  That was the only thing you did wrong.  Then ask her how she would feel if she wasn't allowed, but her new husband was...  Husband's & Wife's are a TEAM - there is NO "I" in that word.  If you play alone, you will pay alone...  Why even bother getting married!!?

Answer 18

Honestly!!!  

I hate to admit it but I think you did the right thing.  If I had enough back bone I would have done the same thing.  I think it is wrong to put married people in that situation.  And I am getting married soon and would never do that.  When you are married it is both or nothing, in my mind at least.  If you are going to go out bar hopping I think it is only appropriate to invite the spouses of those who are coming.  

I would have been very upset with the situation and I would hope that my soon to be husband would have stood up for my right to be with him!

Best of luck!  :-)

Answer 19

So this is my personal opinion speaking from a little bit of experience.  A little backround: My fiance and I are getting married in 2010.  We have already decided on the wedding party.  My fiance's sister, brother and brother-in-law (his sister's husband) are all in the wedding, however his brother's fiance is not in the wedding party because I felt I didn't know her as well, and still don't.  I know his sister really well and we've always been close, but his brother's fiance (my other future sister-in-law) hasn't been around that much because she's finishing up her doctorate.  His brother and fiance are getting married in 2009, I am not in thier wedding, but the rest of the family is.  The four of us that are getting married have already stated that the spouses/fiances that aren't in the other's wedding, but are readers in the other's wedding (which is me and her) will be considered "honored guests" and will be included on the party bus/limo, rehearsal dinner, wedding party tables, and wedding party dance.  I think it's wrong and extremely awkward not to include spouses/fiances ESPECIALLY when they are family.  I care about etiquette just as much as the next person and I understand it was "her" day, but if you're going to let something like that bother you on "your" day as she did that's stupid and petty.  You might have asked first, however in the situation (seeing as the bus held 31 and only 14 were on it) I would have hopped on too, and if I was the bride I would have already let the significant others know they were allowed on the bus.  Bottom Line: Maybe you should have asked, but you weren't completely wrong at all.