Why do today's mothers insist on not listening to the EMS or BSE Mothers experience and learn from our loss?

Question

May be a rhetorical question, but why can't today's young women get the message that we were just like them, and use our experience as a guide so that our losses can be a lesson. It is so sad to me that there are still young women who insist that they are different, or their experience will be different.

Rescinding a surrender is a LOT harder than not signing the paperwork in the first place.

Answer 1

As long as there are ignorant people in this world it will continue, see ^^^ above.

People in general think they are smarter today than their counterparts were years ago. I think society has given us all a bad case of superiority. Another reason could be that adoption's dirty secrets aren't common knowledge, I had no clue about the BSE or coercion in general when my son was taken from me. I was young and clueless, buying into what I was being told. If I'd had even one mother to talk to, who had been there before me, I guarantee I would have fought harder against the system. I had no guidance and even less support. I had been a "bad girl" and tried to fix it by being a "good girl".

The saddest part for me is the people who try to silence us, as though keeping us quiet will somehow prevent this new generation of childless mothers from feeling the same pain we have. Ignorance at it's finest, stick your head in the sand and the problem will disappear. If only it were true.  

Answer 2

Two reasons:

(1) I'm not sure they aren't listening, I think they are never told.  This is a piece of history that is denied and is rarely discussed.  Schools, movies, or news stories do not address the baby scoop era.  

Take Barbara Walters, for example.  She is an adoptive mother of the baby scoop era.  Has she ever done an in-depth analysis of adoption practices during the BSE?  Of course not, and she never will.  If she did, she would be confronted with the knowledge that her adopted daughter was most likely taken from her mother under extreme duress and coercion.  Walters, and the rest of society, can't look themselves in the mirror, so then run and hide from anything that is critical of adoption.

(2) Society refuses to acknowledge the immense, unending pain that is caused when a mother loses her baby to adoption.  To reflect on a mother's pain would require adoption to be put under a microscope.  This could reduce the number of infant adoptions - the industry wants MORE infant adoptions, not less, so they do everything in their power to serve their own interests.

The industry targets young women with propoganda and tells them they will "move on and have another baby when the time is right."  They don't tell them they may NEVER have another baby.  You can't ever guarantee that a woman will be able to keep having babies just because she already had one.  That one baby could very well be her FIRST and LAST child.  What then?  Are young women willing to live with that possibility?

You are here on the internet trying to reach out and share your story.  Sadly, you will be heard by only a few.  But it's the few who listen and learn who will spread your story and help young women understand what they are losing.

Keep up the good work, your message is spreading.

Answer 3

this is off-topic, but why can't we all just call it the "baby scoop era" and not have to create a confusing second term for it?   :(  i disagree with BSERI trademarking the term "baby scoop era" to try to prevent anyone else from using it, but their claim will never hold up in court and it just shoots all natural mothers in the foot to have 2 terms.

Answer 4

Because other people don't learn from OUR experiences, they learn from THEIR OWN. You can't insist that anyone learn from your experience any more than you will learn from theirs.  Many times people don't learn from their own experiences and make the same mistakes over and over again.

Answer 5

sly

you must keep up your good work and let the world know

what was done to all of us mothers from that era the

EMS OR BSE weather any of you readers chose to believe it or not it happened and if we don't try and stop it now it will happen to you or your grandchild one never

heals from such a trauma

mom lost 66

Answer 6

I was trying to answer you last night when you posted this question and then deleted it later.

I don't believe all AP's are "afraid of the truth about mother's surrenders"

But most AP's here did not adopt in the 60's and 70's. Those that did i haven't see them around. Only the first/bio/birth/natural/real mothers from that era.

Your surrender is not every AP's baby's first mothers story on this yahoo board .AP's that have adopted babiesNOW/currently/in this era have come from birth mothers who in the past year made very tough, painfull but informed and caring decisions. They were not made to believe its not a terrible decision to be a single mother as America has millions of single parents. They chose adoption from free will.

I am sorry to hear about those times. My mothers times i would say. But the times are not the same anymore.

Answer 7

what is EMS or BSE?

Answer 8

I think part of it is that women familiar with what happened know about the coercion and force used in that era, because that is so often the point that's emphasized-- not wrongly. I think because they're aware women of the time were often literally given no choice, it's hard to see their own choice, even if heavily influenced or pressured, as equivalent. I think they expect their experience will be different because... it IS different. The emotions of losing a child might be the same, but they WON'T experience exactly the same events.

I think where you're losing people may actually be exactly there-- claiming it's just the same, if that's indeed what you're doing. Because that way, if people see ANY differences at all, they'll dismiss the whole thing. Universalizing something will make it seem irrelevant to people to whom it doesn't directly apply.

Maybe people would listen better if instead of saying their experience is just like yours when in fact there are huge and obvious differences, you focused on there being similarities, but didn't try to push it beyond that. That pressure and coercion still exist. That there is loss associated with losing a child. It might be better to focus on your personal experience when trying to convey these things, not a whole era-- because human feelings are human feelings, but a whole era is seen as "all in the past." Someone claiming to know exactly what you're thinking, feeling, and experiencing can actually be really off-putting instead of empathetic... because it doesn't take your individuality into account.

I don't mean to criticize what you're doing or say you're wrong-- I don't even know exactly what you're saying in other places. But based on what you said in this question, if you genuinely want opinions, that's where I think your message is probably getting lost.

Answer 9

I like to give a lot of the credit to the industry propaganda and marketing. They listen to what mothers are saying to speak out against it, and then market to counter it almost to a T. they do a pretty good job at it too. Introducing "open adoptions" failing to mention they're not legally enforceable until you're "making that plan." Living expenses being covered during pregnancy to "seal the deal" because they know she won't be able to pay it back if she parents. Its so sad, its so manipulative.

I also want to add that just because the BSE is over in the US, its certainly not over in other countries, in some places its only just began.  

Answer 10

History will repeat itself if its not taught and understood.

I wasn't as familiar with BSE until I read your posts and researched it.

The industry does it best to keep it hidden. They only ask young mothers, "Are you sure" one time.  They focus on talking about the horror of raising a child alone as opposed to the horror of relinquishing a child.

It should be illegal for adults to manipulate teens into reliquishing just like it is for adults manipulating teens into s*x.  

Answer 11

I think it is unfair to think that all experiences will be the same. There is no doubt in my mind that most women who have either given up their children willingly or had them taken away do have a loss. But I also believe that there are also those that made the decision and have been quite comfortable in their choice. Unless you can walk in everyones shoes you can't say that their experience will be as yours nor that they will feel as you do. And it is not for you or anyone else to second guess their choices nor for you or anyone else to tell them how they will feel. Each person has their own reasons and their own feelings about the choices they make.

Answer 12

I have a theory about why mothers in general aren't listened to. I think it is way too scary for some people. If they see the truth they have to admit that it happened and still does happen. If it still happens then it means it can happen to anyone. Suddenly no pregnant woman is safe. It is easier to deny or claim its all so different now than to admit none of us are safe.

I personally love my BSE or EMS sisters. They have been priceless to me. One in particular saved me with her wisdom. I wish all moms could just work together. sigh