Why do we need to change the way adoptees feel?

Question

People regularly ask questions here about changing the way their adopted children feel. Why should that be a goal?

I lost a friend over a fifteen years ago. I knew her for less than a year. We dated a bit, and drifted apart. After that, she died. To this day, I visit her grave at least once a year. Should I stop grieving her? Should I feel differently than I do?

Of course not. If a child were to lose a parent to death, we wouldn't be asking how to make the child not feel sad about that loss.

So why do we need to change the way adoptees feel about their adoption? It hurts. We deal with it. But it seems some people won't be happy until we don't feel how we feel. Why is that?

My life didn't end when my friend's did. I have other friends. I have a lovely partner. But that doesn't mean I don't mourn the fact that she's gone. And that's okay. That's healthy.

Having others try to change the way you feel is unhealthy.

Answer 1

Sometimes it's not a matter of wanting to change how someone feels, but more to understand how they feel and possibly help them when they are feeling it.

If a parent grieves for their spouse after they die, how can we possibly understand or help them, if we don't know what will make it worse?  I don't want to change how they feel (as nice as that would be), because it wouldn't seem authentic to me.  But, I WOULD like to make it easier for them, if possible. At the very LEAST, I don't want to make it worse by saying or doing the wrong thing. The ONLY way that would be possible would be if I knew what to do, or more importantly, what NOT to do or say.  

In the past, I have asked someone who has lost a loved one what has helped, and what has made it worse for them.  I asked this to know what to say, or not to say to them and for in the future for my loved ones some day.  I'm not sure why it's considered bad to do the same for my children regarding the loss they might feel in adoption.

ETA:  

[[[[Because the kid feeling bad makes THEM feel bad]]]]

No, the CHILD doesn't make me feel bad.  The fact that the child feels bad, makes me feel bad.  But, the child itself did not cause the feeling.  Just like the child cannot help what they feel, nor can their parents.

If my spouse had cancer, I would feel bad.  Did my spouse make me feel bad, or did the circumstances?

Answer 2

Dear Phil,

Awsome Q!

I think people spend too much time trying to persuade each other to feel a certain way (or buy certain items, support a certain political view, worship a certain God, live life a certain way, etc. = conform) but this is, of course, human nature to a degree. The whole fitting in, being normal thing. It's often easier to do that when people are like you rather than you being like them.

IMHO, if we spent more time VALIDATING, ACCEPTING and UNDERSTANDING people's feelings and started addressing the issues that CAUSE these feelings in the first place, a lot of people would be MUCH happier and healthier. (You know, treating the CAUSES instead of the SYMPTOMS.) Of course there will always be people who are just broken and situations we can't fix, but I think they would be much more rare.

Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your friend.

Answer 3

It shoudln't be about how adoptee's need change the way they feel as much as it should be about everybody else changing their views about adoptee's who SHOULD be allowed to 'mourn'.  

I will be honest with you Phil - personally, I handle it differently than you.  I don't dwell on it as a loss nor am I one to cry over a loved one's death...I am very non-emotional but the more I look into this adoption thing the more I tend to believe that maybe it's because of my initial bio parents-'loss' I think that I can't feel that way.  I'm still figuring it out as I go.

That does not mean that your loss as an adoptee should be treated anything less than a death that we would mourn in our day to day lives now.

Answer 4

I agree with you....a person should not change how a person feels, but help them deal with it.  My little cousin is adopted and she is 10.  My Aunt and Uncle have told her from the beginning that they were not her biological parents, but she is loved as if she were their own.  My Aunt has recently discussed with her, that at anytime she ever wants to know who her biological mother is, she will tell her.  She doesn't want to know.  I don't exactly see a child being that hurt, especially if they were adopted into a good home, with wonderful parents.  My aunt and uncle have told her that if she has any questions, that they will be open with her.  She is fine with that.  But, they are very understanding when it comes to the fact, that one day it could bother and hurt her, but they said they will be with her, to help her deal with anything...that's what parents do.

Answer 5

Hi Phil,

I think its because aparents love their children so much it hurts to imagine them in pain.

With that said, aparents have to push thru the denial and "adoption fog" (rainbow and kittens) and embrace your children pain and all.  Accept your children thru adoption for the individuals that they are and realize you can not love their pain away.  What i think helps is reading the books Phil always suggests.  That way you can be familiar with and be more understanding of the pain your children will experience.  Knowledge is key here for aparents in my humble opinion.  Empathy, compassion and understanding doesn't hurt either.

ETA:  I agree that aparents have to grow, change, and become the parents the child needs and NOT the other way around:)

Answer 6

Some emotions can be unhealthy {damaging} and need to be dealt with.  If a parent knows there is a potential for their child to feel unhealthy emotions, it's the parents responsibility to help their child with those issues in order for the child to lead healthier lives.  

Depression, for example, is a serious issue for adoptees.  Establishing self-identity, abandonment, insecurity...  I could go on...  a parent should never ignore any signs of those issues.

People have their own feelings.  No one can change them...  but if the feelings are harmful to themselves, loved ones should all step in and help in any way they can.

If ignored...  the problems could escalate, drug & alcohol abuse, suicide...

-----

I agree with John S.  He brings up some good points.

Good info celtic.

Answer 7

As parents, who love our children with all our hearts and souls, there is a natural tendancy to want to "fix" any thing that hurts our child.  We want to make all better.  We don't want our children to feel sad or hurt for a moment of their lives.  Unrealistic, of course, but as parents with an abundant love for our children, whether biological or adopted, isn't that something we all do?   We kiss boo-boos to make it better.

That's what parents do.

Answer 8

Excellent Question!  Totally agree!  And love the last sentence!  I couldn't have said it better myself!  Starred!

Answer 9

You're right.

It shouldn't be about not making them feel sad.

Although that is the instinct of every parent, to lessen the pain their children are in, in the long term it doens't help sometimes.

It should be about helping the child to manage their pain and feelings. Helping the child to figure things out.

Helping each other figure things out sometimes lol.

If my daughter was hurting, i'd do anything to make it stop.

I learnt to deal with it. I wish someone had helped me, because it wasn't easy.

Having others helping you with your pain is healthy, telling you it's not okay to feel something is very unhealthy.

As long as the AP's allow the child to feel whatever it is, and then help them with it, that's the right approach to me.

Answer 10

Because our biological parents aren't with us, so some aparents insist on pretending they don't "exist."

Answer 11

Hi Phil.  This is a great question.  As a parent, like any parent, I of course want to do anything I can to help my child be as happy as possible.  I DO NOT mean that I want to tell my daughter not to have certain feelings.  I would never want to tell her not to be sad about very real and deep losses, just like, as you mentioned, people don't tell children whose parents have died not to be sad.  However, I do sometimes have questions about the best way to respond to my daughter's very normal feelings in order to help my child process feelings and loss healthily.  It's not my job to tell my daughter how to feel or to change her feelings, but I do think it's my job as a parent to be supportive of her, to help her process losses and difficult feelings.  I couldn't ignore my child's grief and loss, just as I'm sure no parent could.  To use your example of a child whose parents have died.  I'd hope no one would tell the child not to be sad, but I'd also hope that there would be someone there to help the child to process the loss and heal as much as possible.  I guess it is a fine line sometimes between having a goal to help our child heal, and having the goal for our child to get rid of any sadness.  I do not equate processing loss and healing with sadness and grief going away.  I understand it's not something to get rid of.  But, anyway, I think it is sometimes a tricky line to navigate as an adoptive parent.  Any thoughts on treading that line are appreciated.

BTW - I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

Answer 12

Because the kid feeling bad makes THEM feel bad.

And there are still people who believe you can control other people's (esp. children) feelings.

Answer 13

I don't know, Phil. I question if this is a societal issue in general as well....as we promote and prescribe pills to 'fix' every minor thing that is 'wrong' with us. It does seem as if everyone wants to mask a problem or make it go away alltogether, often without actually dealing with the core issue....which is almost always greif of some kind. There is nothing you can do or say or prescribe to make me feel better about losing my mom to cancer. It was the most horrible, painful, debilitating death of a wonderful, loving person. I would be offended and hurt if my father or other family members had tried to medicate me or tried to push me to move on from my feelings of sadness. 8 years later, I can still cry at the drop of a hat, and I assume it is often the same feeling for many adoptive children. Everyone wants their children to be happy....to have that carefree, joyful childhood we've all dreamt about and some have experienced. We want to protect our children from hurt and pain....but it shouldn't be to the child's detriment. Greiving takes many years and, often, is never fully complete. There are so many losses in adoption...culture, history, background, medical, extended family, etc....but even the basic 'what if's' and 'wish it could have been different' are still huge losses for a child. We should try to make our children's lives happy and positive, but we also need to understand that life is not always perfect, easy, or sadness-free.

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