Why do we use the female model when dealing with sharing "feelings?"?

Question

I have heard countless times that "men need to share their feelings more" and "men bottle their feelings up" and all sorts of other things that make men seem somehow deficient.

It's because the female model of "feelings-sharing" is seen as the "correct" way to handle emotion.

Men deal with their emotions in different ways. ...through silent reflection or things like weightlifting/sports/physical activity or other "releases" that make sense to a guy and make them feel better afterwards.

Men aren't "broken."

We don't need to act like women to be "complete."

Masculinity is different from femininity.

I don't need to "gab with my friends" over ice cream for hours to resolve an issue.

I can go out with my kayak for a couple hours of thinking and meditation and come back completely "worked out." (mentally.)

Masculinity isn't "defective" femininity. It's time people realize that.

Answer 1

What are you doing?  .... some of this is poison to balanced women!  I'm about ready to put my computer in a box ..COUGH, HACK,  I FEEL PNEUMONIA COMING ON, sarcasm oh no!  I will now have to nurture myself back to health.

Men have feelings.  Your trying to poison me.  Men have the right to feel.  I think you might be a feminist dictator.  Did you know that men and women both have feminine and masculine to them = balance?  On that note did you know that balanced men are simply more masculine yet however possess a feminine touch that results in a happy man.  If not picture a painting of a dog without a tail who fights to kill as a visual.  Women...all what I see as some calling "estrogen", a walking nothing but  E-hormone*also* like you suggest men are a T-hormone only.  What the bleep does a hormone look like and how come people don't look like hormones only to me?  You insult both men and women with this limited view.  Women and men according to you are one hormone and that is all period.  Freedom of speech I respect but don't have to believe.  A man is doing this....whoa!  Oh oh!  Yes, women have a masculine touch however, moreso feminine when balanced.    My masculine side has now come out because your noting that happy men do not express and I know better than that using logic.   Now for the femine touch EK!  I will need to protect my feminine side from this.  If this goes on much longer I am going to get organic armor for my avatar due to your seeing women as a competitor OR my femine side which is truthfully the strongest also will ignore your posts all together, which I see as extreme nuture however, still a feeling of unbalance:  

"Masculinity is different from femininity."  ...I agree.  However, I know your either confused or your're being dishonest for some purpose.  What is it?  What are you selling?  I don't want it.

Answer 2

Why do we use the male model for logic or lack of emotion?

The fact is, neither gender has a monopoly on any quality - so there is really no 'male' model or 'female' model - just a human one :-)

Answer 3

OK, I feel the need to preach, but I won't.

Men aren't the only ones who are deemed defective somehow if they aren't some simpering little twit that has to cry on somebody's shoulder. I've actually had a guy, a guy, complain that dating me was "like dating a dude." I deal with my emotions the same way as your average man. The only emotion that is freely expressed is rage, which is a "male quality."

It annoys me, too, that I'm supposed to gush. So, this chick has your back... down with feminine emotional garp!

Answer 4

I think that from childhood boy children are always told to hide their emotions "stop crying, stop whining, your a little boy.  So after continually hearing this and continually hiding their feelings, they get use to it.  My husband always says that men don't cry and that men don't show their emotions, except love and anger".  I think we do this to our own children.

Answer 5

Actually sam, women are known to attempt suicide quite a bit more often than men.  Men generally use more reliable methods.

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Good question bro!

Being in the education industry, and having studied behavioural linguistics, there is a definite view that girls express themselves more effectively than boys and there are traditional measures in place to curtail male expression.  These include child rearing: girls receive twice the positive affirmation than boys over the course of childhood, and teaching methods and ideology that distinctly favours girls.  

Boys are also taught the possibly harmful restrictions on expression by their mothers.  We have mothers teaching boys how to be boys at home and women predominantly teaching boys to be girls in schools.  We are taught early that maleness is an issue, a conundrum, a problem to be solved.  Our communication is seen as atavistic, simple, non-productive and confrontational.  None of this is exactly conducive to allowing boys to adopt a range of behaviours that suit them as individuals, and is a scourge in male mental health.

The point is: girls/women are permitted to be more widely expressive than boys and men.  Many of the limits imposed on boys come from female sources (though not necessarily feminist though this plays a role in schools).

i don't entirely agree with your point of view, but certainly enough to say that men are taught very little in the way of emotional development or socialisation.  Here, girls have a general advantage because their methods are considered "right"

Answer 6

Hook a man up to a MRI...show different him pic's, his brain waves will fluctuate as often and as greatly as a womans.

Men do have a different ways of dealing with information, true.  Men fix the issue and drop it, while women like to dwell, think, and talk about it.  Which is best? neither they both have advantages.

But to say that Men don't have emotions is a lie by society.  It's a fairly recent (last 200 years) that it became unmanly to cry.  Imagine the knights in shinning armor yall love so much...could cry but you cant.  Stop lying to yourself.

Answer 7

You, sir, are absolutely correct.  How a person deals with their own issues is his/her business - and a very private one.  

When there is an issue between a man and a woman, however, it will be a little different.  If there is to be resolution or understanding - they have to find a common ground.  Notice, however, I said COMMON ground - not necessarily HER way of communicating.

In my experience, it is best to have this conversation at the beginning of a relationship.  If it is meant or felt to be a long term one, each should communicate their styles 'dealing' with issues and feelings.  That way, in the future, there is no misunderstanding unnecessarily...

Answer 8

The Cult of Masculinity

Masculinity is the end result of genetics and upbringing, and neither trumps the other in regards to influence. Still, we should not underestimate the importance of the socialization process on males. Decades of research find that masculinity is a social construct that is inculcated upon males from their very birth. In particular, boys learn early on what is expected of them as "men," and research finds that families and society at large introduce several pernicious and oftentraumatic interventions to foster such development.

* First, parents discourage the expression of emotions of vulnerability in male children. Fear and sadness in particular are unacceptable for males. I have witnessed enough parents respond to their crying sons as they pull away from the camp parking lot on the first day of camp by sternly telling them to "stop being a baby."

* Second, males are taught to undervalue emotions indicative of caring and affection; females learn how to express warmth and affection, while males are taught to look upon such displays with disdain. Males do not learn how to connect to other people intimately and are even shunned for such displays; empathy and perspective-taking skills are not taught and are seen as unimportant for young boys.

* Third, there is limited subset of emotions condoned for males, most notably anger, aggression, and instrumentality, defined here as using other people to meet one's own needs. Males who do not learn expertise with these emotions become the recipients of the scorn of other males and, often, society as a whole.

* Finally, and the most traumatic, is the expectation of an early and abrupt separation from a mother. Girls, in contrast, are allowed a much slower separation from their mothers. They can go off to explore the world around them and return to a mother's succor when frightened, unsure, or simply in need of comfort. Boys are expected to rupture this maternal connection and mark themselves off as separate individuals early on in life; those that remain strongly attached to their mothers are pejoratively labeled as "sissies."

The end results of male socialization are distressing. Sadly, when biology is imprinted with societal expectations concerning the one acceptable code of masculinity, we create males with blunted emotional ability, who are incapable of intimacy, disconnected from others, and who live lives of quiet despair.

Answer 9

Have you ever noticed that whenever someone goes berserk with a gun and shoots up dozens of people on a campus, at a convenience store or at a McDonalds...

...it's always a man?

I think that answers your question.

Answer 10

that's not even true.

it's healthy for anyone to express their feelings rather than bottle them up. repressing feelings causes all kind of problems, and you might want to consider this when asking why more men commit suicide than women. couldn't be a link there could it?

many men find it a relief to talk about their feelings. ask any psychologist.

edit

owain > it's hard to tell who has the greater rate of depression out of men and women, but women certainly seek help more often than men. most of the 'suicide attempts' by women aren't actually attempted suicides but 'just' self-harming. for some obscure reason even when it's patently obvious that it isn't a serious suicide attempt, they are still classified as such. this can be a method to seek help > such women are usually referred to psychiatrists and their gps. men also self-harm quite frequently.