Why do women place a baby for adoption, the seek the child out as an adult?

Question

l just think it's unfair to give a child up for adoption, let someone else raise it and do the hard yards, then expect to come into this child's life as an adult and say "l'm your Mom". l'm not saying the child shouldn't know who the birthparents are, and if they want to seek them out it's a different story, but l feel like it's selfish to give up a child then want them back on your terms. What do others think about this? What about the biological parent 'having a say' in the child's life? Doesn't this completely negate the point of adoption?

Answer 1

Adoption is sometimes the best option for the child's future well being.  Just because a mother places a child up for adoption doesn't mean she doesn't love that child.  That mother loves that baby so much she wants a better life for her child than she can currently provide.

Answer 2

as an adoptive parent I think you don't have a good understanding of the situation. Firstly, it is all in the interest of the child and almost always it is the child who desperately wants some sort of relatinship with their biological parents. They want ot feel connected biologically to someone -- they want to see why they look the way they do and sound the way they do and where all their interests and quirks really came from. This is normal and healthy. This has nothing at all to do with how well the child has been cared for and loved. The two are not related and the child is not looking to replace or change the relationship they have with their adoptive family. They do however want to be able to have some sort of understanding of why they were put up for adoption and be able to hear their story of birth from the source. From the birthmother's point of view, if she is emotinally healthy, she probably just wants to reconnect with someone who has been in her heart and mind ever since she gave birth to them. She relinquished her rights to the child for good reasons and she is not trying to now take over after all the work is done. She wants to be able to embrace the person whose beginnings were with her and let them know that they were loved all along. That is very good for the child. If the birthmother is desperate to establish a mothering relationship with her long lost child then that sounds definitely unhealthy and she needs counseling and the child will not be in a good stituation if she meets her birth family under that condition. Once the child is an adult, hop[efully nobody will "have a say" in their life without their permission. Even their adoptive families should be giving up "their say" once the child is an adult. No birthmother will get their child "back" on their "own terms" once the kid is an adult -- when we are adults we all get to have our say in our lives on our own terms and determine with whom and under what circumstances we want to relate to other people. This new "mom" in the adopted child's now adult life will not be an "I'm your Mom" type person but will maintain the role of birthmother if the other relationships are healthy. Are you an adoptive parent? What is your interest in this topic? There are many books available to explain adoption and how each person in the relationship is a part of the story. I for one am very much looking forward to having my children seek out and get to know their birthparents some day and be able to thank them for giving them to me, as a great joy in my life.

Answer 3

Have you ever given up a child? I'll bet the answer is no.  What possible right do you have to criticize?

Many women were coerced by family members or circumstance to give up their child.  They want to know that the child is ok.  They want the child to know that they weren't abandoned.  The first mom has no control over what the now adult child wants for a relationship.  That's up to their child.

In open adoptions, the whole point is that the natural mom has a say in the child's life in some way, although generally that doesn't involve actual parenting.

Answer 4

I agree with you, depending on the circumstances. I don't think the biological parents should have any say. It should be up to the adopted child/adult.

Answer 5

the person who gives up there baby may not be ready 4 the child besides it's better than abortion....would u rather them die or have live?

Answer 6

Adoption has its own set of expectations and responsibilities that have to be met and not dismissed because of it being "unfair."

1. Every person has a right to know to whom they were born.  They have a right to see the nature part of their fundamental being and understand that they didn't just come out of thin air.

This means there is no good reason for a closed adoption.

2. Adoption doesn't erase motherhood or fatherhood.

A person who is adopted depending on who adopted them will forever more have two mothers or two fathers.  Notice I didn't say they will have an adoptive mother and a birthmother; that was on purpose.  Neither mother can negate the other's impact.  Both have individual responsibilities and no amount of adoption koolaid that is served can change that.

3.  Anyone can contact anyone at any time, regardless of adoption.  If I wanted to seek out anyone (a long lost family member, a celebrity, a politician, etc...) to say "hello" I can, and that person has a right to say "bugger off."

Furthermore, completely unrelated to the adoptee's needs, mourning the loss of losing a child to adoption has it's own unique qualities.  If you were to read the book "The Girls Who Went Away" a common theme is that the only closure and healing to the grief work that stems from placing a child for adoption typically only happens after reunion.  To deny a woman that opportunity to get that closure is cruel and unusual.  While that book only discusses the baby scoop closed adoption era, most of the feelings and themes are still completely relevant to today's current birthmother.

Answer 7

I think it's a feeling of guilt.  They may not have wanted to put the child up in the first place but felt they had no choice, especially earlier generations, which is why they offer Open Adoptions these days.  I think the child should be the one to make the determination to see the biological parent, not the other way around.

Answer 8

There are many reasons. My husband and I adopted our daughter from a young girl. She chose to give life and she chose us as we chose her.  She told us that this was not her child and was not meant to be her child it was our little girl.  She is now 7 years old and I am so glad that she did choose to place her with us, she is our miracle.  We were told we could not have children biologically and this was the best thing that ever happened to us.  Doctors were wrong we now have a son he is 10 months younger than our daughter.  Both of my babies are mine and I love them dearly.

Answer 9

It is usually because teenage girls that get pregnant and cannot have an abortion, give thier child up for adoption as they want it to live but not have it grow up with them as they are young, but cannot look after it. But then later on, they want to find the child to see how they are going, as they wil always feel a special bond as they are thier bith mother,

hope this helps,

tasha

Answer 10

They come back searching for closure, or b/c of guilt. they want reassurance that they made the best possible decision they could at that time in their life. Giving your own child up for adoption is the most unselfish thing one can do. to make a conscience decision to give your child every advantage in this world, even if it means they grow up not knowing biological parents. Besides, there are "open adoptions" where the birth parent(s) are very much involved and visit and even babysit. they are often very active in the child's life.

--sidenote--

i think giving the child life, and giving them to be raised by another family is FAR BETTER than abortion and not giving that baby a chance at life at all.

Answer 11

xkritalx,

Your answer made me cry.  Thank you for trying to help others understand.  As an adoptive mother, I know I've never experienced the pain that I saw in my daughter's birthmother's eyes, and I have to remember that.  I really hope that my daughter has the chance to see her birthmother again.  We know who she is and got to meet her.  We have lots of pictures and a letter, so my daughter will always know about her and how much she loves her.  This is rare in international adoption, so we are blessed.

Answer 12

I think it's guilt. When you're young and stupid, you sometimes do stupid things that you later regret. Some mothers feel guilty and once the child comes of age, they want to find them so they can be assured they did the right thing. And no, the bio parent should not have any say in the child's life. They don't know the child, so how would they know what's best for the child?

Answer 13

There are many different reasons one puts thier baby up for adoption and many do it because maybe they  are young or just at a point in their life where they  feel giving up their baby is the right thing to do for the well being of their child...this does not mean they do not love thier baby or made the decision to do so with ease..And just because a child is givin up for adoption does not mean they didnt want to have anything to do with the baby or not be in the life of the child...some do chose the route but not all, in time people change maybe some are more mature and change their way  of thinking and now want to get to know the child they  had givin up..it happens.

Answer 14

Women place children for adoption and then seek them out as adults because they never stopped loving their baby. Women place children and want to make sure that they grew up happy and healthy so they find them. Women place children and seek them out to inform them of medical conditions that the child might need to be aware of. Women place children and then seek them out to fill the hole in their chest from having to let someone else be their childs mommy. Women place children and then seek them out to make sure those children know that they weren't unwanted. Women place children and seek them out to finally get the chance to say "I love you, and I've missed you."

Answer 15

just because i gave my daughter up for adoption does not mean that i dont love her and think of her EVERYDAY . i do but since her sorry father left me while i had a 1 year old and was pregnant i couldnt raise her. i had an open adoption and get letters twice a year and sit there and cry bc i may never hear the sound of her voice. i didnt sleep around and wouldve been a good mommy but couldnt afford to raise 2 kids by myself. to this day i still dont get any help with my son. i dont want to tell her what to do, i just want to hold her , touch her and to love her. she turns 7 this month and i still cry for her.

Answer 16

I am a three time birthmother and at the point my children turn 18 I will put my info out there for them to find if they choose to. I may even see if I can find them. But, only so I can see how they have grown up and to answer any questions they may have about their birth and their adoptions. I will be there for them if they choose to be a part of my life but, will not insist I am part of theirs. I just want to know they are ok and they had a good life. As for having a say in the childs life you give up that right when you give a child up for adoption. You do however have the right to an open adoption where your wishes are taken into account and may be carried out via the adoptive parents. If they choose to do that then let them. Its their choice. Have you given a child up or adopted?