Why do you have to be married to have s*x?

Question

I am a married woman, with a 14 month old daughter and another on the way, but I was not married when I had s*x and became pregnant with either of my children. I did not get married until I was 5 weeks pregnant with this baby. I just saw a question about a 14 year old asking if it's okay to have s*x at her age, and I noticed the majority of responses said "Wait until you're married".

My question is, why? Why should you have to wait until you're married? If you know you have a stable home, stable finances, emotional stability, and all else required to raise a child, and if you know you're ready for it, should it happen, why should you have to wait? Both of our kids were surprises. Our daughter was conceived 3 months into our relationship and this baby at a time where the doc wanted me to start birth control to control endometriosis. But we had the home, job, emotional stability, etc to raise a child.I just want to know where it says you absolutely have to wait until marriage and why?

Answer 1

I don't go with the YOU MUST BE MARRIED thing.  So many marriages end in divorce anymore and yet I have seen many couples that don't get married actually lasting (not sure really why though).  I think a lot of people look at it in a religious view where pretty much every religion tells people to be married first then have a child but I agree with you that as long as you have stability in your relationship and in yourself then go ahead and TTC.  I didn't think I would ever have a child of my own because of the PCOS stuff going on and my exhusband and I got lucky and I got pregnant 3 months after we got back together (we were together in highschool but hadn't been around each other for a couple of years) and even though we weren't married at the time I was so excited because I was having my baby.  We did get married when i was about 6 months pregnant but soon regreted it because we weren't ready for marriage, i was ready to be a mom but he wasn't ready to be a husband if that makes sense.  I say only you know when the time is right, nobody else and even marriage isn't a sign of being ready.  My bestfriend was in a hurry to get married so they could start their family and sure enough shortly after her vows she found out her husband was cheating on her while she was pregnant with their first baby, so how exactly did the marriage help them out?  A baby is a baby no matter when it is brought into this world or how it is brought into this world.  I know I am not married to the father of my unborn baby and after 2 failed marriages I have no intentions of ever marrying him and he feels the same way (he also has 2 failed marriages) but we both are commited to being parents to our children (i have 2 he has 5).

Answer 2

Well, often with premarital s*x comes a lot of things you think you may be able to handle, even if you think you can.

Another thing is that you might not be able to because of religion.

Answer 3

I disagree with the 'wait until you're married' brigade, but losing your virginity at 14 is a bit extreme.  I lost mine at 18 and haven't regretted it since (but haven't seen the guy since).

In my opinion, if you are above the age of consent, are using contraception and condoms, are seeing the person on a regular basis and have been tested for STDs, then go ahead and sleep together if you want to.  It can be a great thing but to wait until a religious ceremony - some people would be waiting for the rest of their freaking lives!

Answer 4

You don't have to be married to have s*x.

Answer 5

Because you're worth being comitted to.

It also demonstrates to your children  about stability of relationships.

So my question back to you is- if you're situation is so stable- why not seal it with a vow and a promised commitment?

You can do it at city hall in the afternoon.

Answer 6

You're right, although you don't say your age, and you are in a minority if you had jobs, money and a home. Most 14 yolds are still in school (by law) and so are their boyfriends.

I agree with PattyPuff76 -- it's a way of saying you're not old enough. The religious/traditional injunction is also based on this....when there were no jobs for women and no welfare support, a marriage was the only way to get financial stability for bringing up children.

With little good contraception, a girl HAD to wait, as she could not support a child alone, her father would refuse to, and no-one would marry her to support a stranger's child. This encouraged young men to get married, about the only way they could get s*x.Committment and staying together was guaranteed by social pressure and the impossibility of surviving alone, and aided by family assistance financially (or a share in the family farm).

Today single or singleparent survival is easy; so is divorce. So the ceremony of marriage guarantees nothing. And committment is possible without the ceremony.

The point is 14year olds and their (usually 15 to 17 yo boyfriends) have none of the stabilities mentioned, NOR any idea what committment means...though you can't tell them that  as at that age they "know it all".....a young girl'ls baby ends up brought up by HER mother

The HUGE problem with "wait to be married" is that this advice will NOT be followed. But it conveniently lets the advisor to think they've "done their bit". So we get the daily hundred !!!!HELP am I pregnant????? from kids who clearly have no idea of the BASICS of human reproduction.

The religious wait to be married brigade have stopped good s*x and relationship education in many schools. The mothers themselves might be products of the same education, or part of the wait to be married....just this week we had a 14 yo asking "i had an abortion 2 days ago and my mum doesn't know" worried what to do if she has an infection...and got  a reply along the lines of serves you right.

The advice should be wait until you're older to HAVE BABIES, followed up with detailed instructions on how to avoid having them (and catching diseases)...and a little about not do if from peer or boy pressure. Also last week a 17 yo old was asking advice for her planned first time with her boyfriend of 2 years...and half the replies told her to WAIT and/or not be such a sl*t.

To confuse the issue, in nearly every country the age for MARRIAGE is two years older than the age of CONSENT. The lawmakers, at least, know not everyone will "wait".

C'mon girls!

people don't come on here to be lectured or moralised at. They need genuine and useful help with the actual problems they have, which includes the pressures they are under.

Answer 7

I think it just a way of people trying to explain to someone younger that you should wait until you are mature enough to make a commitment to someone which is easier to say wait until you are married then trying to explain otherwise. This clear image helps a younger person to identify what a commitment is. Obviously once you are older you may or may not want to make such a commitment and once you are a responsible adult you can act in whatever manner you choose

Answer 8

Why wait?Are you kidding me? Well im sure your not 14. Are you? Beacuse even though you have all the stability that  you need. most 14 year olds don't. And mommy and daddys stability dont count.

Whether or not that 14 year old girl waits untill she is married if she puts if off for now dont you think that is better? When she is truely ready do you think she will be asking on Y/A? Im going to say no.

You got into a lucky situtation that turned out great but for most people who get pregnant 3 months into their relatioships it doesnt last, and the parents dont get married. But by you going and getting married shows that you clearly believe in the same values whether you practiced them or not.

I didnt wait untill I was married, or even untill I was resposbile enough and things turnd out ok for me. BUT that doesnt mean I did the right thing and I certainly wont reccomend to a 14 year old girl ot put her self in that position, and risk all the emotional risks that come along with giving birth so young, rejection by their parents or babys daddy, being faceds with abortion,  adoption or strugglying as a single parent as a young teenager.

By the time she is 24 ( or whatever age) and has her life together , finances. work, school finished, etc, then I wouldnt give the same advice I would tell her to do whatever she felt like because she would be capable of handling her own consequences for her actions.

Besides children in two parent homes have an easier and happier childhood, and with the amount of divorce in the world, why add to single parenthood?

You were lucky with your situation that things turned out great, but you are the expection and not the rule....

Answer 9

I think that is a stupid answer to give a 14 year old. Does somebody want a 14 year old to get married so she can have s*x?  Any one sexually active should be responsible and prepared to deal with a pregnancy. Also there is a level of emotional maturity that is beneficial before becoming sexually active. I think waiting until your an adult is a good idea, and that 14 is too young, but it has nothing to do with being married. Deciding to have s*x and deciding to get married are entirely separate things in my mind - neither of which should be take lightly.

Answer 10

Those are opinions, many knee-jerk reactions to rigorous religious training without any other forethought.

But as a non-religious person, here is why I think you **SHOULD** wait until marriage. (Not "have to.")

The problem with "free s*x" is it's become something people do "for fun." When you take this position (pun intended) you may never understand that s*x is the physical intimacy that binds us together. It is the ultimate physical expression of your attachment and love.

This is what a marriage symbolizes, and announces to the world. I have a daughter and stepdaughter, one waited until marriage and one just does whatever the h**l she wants, with who she wants. One is very centered and doing well, happy with her life, the other is full of troubles, uses, and doesn't know what she wants.

Which do you think is which? Both made their OWN choices, no parental nagging here (both over 18.)

Answer 11

That idea comes from many different beliefs... mostly religious. It was started from religion but now some people have caught onto it even if there not religious and they don't believe in God.

Answer 12

"Wait until you're married" is a polite way of saying, "You're too young to handle this responsibility. Don't do it."--without getting into all of the specifics.

Some people don't want to get too involved in a conversation about s*x with a 14-year-old.  

Fourteen-year-olds do NOT have stable finances.  They do NOT have their own housing.  They do NOT have stable, reassuring long-term relationships (generally).  They are NOT emotionally developed enough to handle raising a child on their own.

On a personal note:  I was not married when I had my first child.  I was 28 at the time.

Answer 13

I would have to push you towards the Bible, if you wanna find out whey you should be married.  Its not about the legal document although its part of it.  You can financially stable and all those things.  There are always issues of even things like insurance and other benefits that require marriage as well.  If you are in a stable relationship and plan on staying with your partner and raising a child then why would you not want to be married.   If you  do not want to commit to marriage then I don't think you should commit to raising a child together.  I like you was not married when we had our first child.. I am now in fact we were divorced form eachother when it occurred. Kinda weird yes.. We did get remarried and it is the  Biblical thing to do.. When the kids get older it gets confusing as well with different names and other issues like that.   Kids have a  tough enough time getting through the years without added stress.

Answer 14

The biggest reason is probably religion.

Another thing is because people seem to believe that once you are married, your relationship is stable. The relationship is seen as a lifelong commitment. We all know it's best for a child to be raised with both parents. But, with the high rate of divorce these days, that's obviously not true anymore.

For example, my brother's girlfriend got pregnant, and everyone immediately pressured them to get married. People said it would be better for the baby and that their relationship would have a better chance of lasting. They got married when their son was 4 months old. When he was 9 months old, she left him for another guy....

On the other end, I got pregnant before I was married. We decided to get married when I was 4 months along....My son's now 4 weeks old, and we're doing fine. We know we'd still be together even if we hadn't gotten married though...