Why do you suppose people deny?

Question

our sadness at adoption? why do they frequently say things like:

"you shouldn't feel that way" or "look on the bright side", "but you were chosen", "but you're special!".

why don't people just let us have our feelings?

i don't think ALL adoptees feel this way, but some of us do.

Answer 1

People will say those things not to deny you of your sadness, but because they dont like to see people sad and want to cheer you up.

Being adopted is of coarse going to make you sad at times and even when people say that, you are allowed to feel your sadness, especially if you dont know your parents.

Most parents that give up a child are doing the ultimate sacrifice for love, becasue they know they cant give their child the best and they would be better off with someone else who can love them better.

If I thought i was an unfit mother, i would definantly adopt out my children, not becasue i dont love them but because i love them so much.

If people want to tell you these things, look at what they are really saying, and that is that they care about you and dont want to see you sad, because there is not much else they can do for you, they are powerless to take you feelings away, but why wouldnt they try?

Answer 2

I think in general that people are uncomfortable with feelings such as sadness and depression. It certainly isn't confined to adoption - take a stroll around the other categories here on Yahoo Answers and you'll find those kind of responses to people who are sad for a variety of reasons.

Answer 3

Hi there, i am not adopted, but i do think that you are entitled to have your own feelings on the issue, wanting to know your sense of identity, who you are from.

But ithink people say what they do realy is only out of kindness and support, although they shouldnt be too forceful with their opinions, i think it would be nice for to be ask what your feeling are. xx

Answer 4

I think most people acknowledge that some adoptees feel sadness about their adoption.   I think that most people don't deny that there are issues involved with adoptees. If these are your feelings then they are YOUR feelings and they can't be denied as YOUR feelings.  I think, though, that it becomes a problem when you want EVERYBODY ELSE to feel YOUR feelings and make YOUR issues OUR issues.  Also, it is kind of annoying, whether it is adoption issues or ANY OTHER ISSUE, when people wallow in self pity.  I'm definitely NOT saying all adoptees do this, just some.  Almost everyone in the world has issues about SOMETHING but not everybody wallows in self pity.  You can't change the past, you can only change/do something about "the now" and the future.  Feeling sorry for yourself because of your past is like banging your head against a wall--it is unproductive and won't change anything.

Answer 5

it' true they don't understand your feelings.. No one can tell you how to feel..

However, I'm sure they're just trying to be positive and helpful.. they just don't know any better..

Perhaps they think you haven't looked at it from all angles...

But you have a right to your feelings..

Answer 6

Maybe I can make things a little clearer to those that are not quite understanding what exactly is being said and asked here.

No one, especially not the poster of the thread is downing adoption, saying that it is bad or not rewarding in its own way. What she is saying is why are people so uncomfortable with her having many emotions. Not mixed emotions, many.

She loves her family, however she still feels a sadness and a loss. Why is it that those in her life have such a hard time accepting that she feels both. That is what she wants to know.

I am assuming here that in some ways the poster feels guilty about loving her family yet not feeling quite whole. I know that feeling well. Blood really is thicker then water. It is OK to feel that sadness and that loss yet still love and not want to trade your family for the world. It is also OK for you to tell your family and friends just how you feel about them trying to cheer you up. Tell them that you are not depressed, that you do not need cheering up, you just need to share that part of you too and you need them to accept it for what it is.

Answer 7

Oh great.  Here we go with someone pulling out the "bad experience, good experience c**p."

Let me ask a simple question:  what does whether or not I had good AP's and a nice childhood have to do with feeling sad that an adoption ever had to occur in the first place?  NOTHING! Absolutely nothing.  The greatest AP's on earth cannot change the fact that a family was broken.  I don't know about anyone else, but when a family is broken -- no matter what the reason -- there is something sad about that.  Some people do have a sense of sadness about it.  

I think that people just don't know what to say so they say some really inane things.  Chosen?  How.  My AP's didn't know me.  They didn't get to pick me.  I was the next available kid when they happened to be adopting.  That doesn't take away from their love for me.  I don't need to feel "picked" in order to know I was loved.  Really, I'm not THAT  insecure that I have to make up a fantasy.

ETA:

I'm also infertile and never had children, which IS something I very much wanted.  I know about that, too.

Answer 8

I don't know why people say that other than that it's becasue they may feel defensive by the way the question is asked.

I don't deny any sadness that anyone feels- that's THEIR feelings.  How can you deny that?

On that same note, how can so many anti-adoption folks deny adoptive parents' feelings?

Answer 9

Thank you for your honest questions.  I am not sure why there are ignorant or insensitive people in the world, but there are.  The same thing happens when women miscarry -- "Oh it's God's will." or "You will have another baby."  Or when someone dies.  "They are better off." or "At least you had them for a while!".  

These people are the same ones who told me when I adopted "Oh, sorry, couldn't you have one of your own?" or "Couldn't you afford a white baby?".

Or when I placed a baby for adoption -- "Oh, you don't like kids?" or "How come you didn't want him?".

And "they" are the same people who asked my daughter "Was your mother a crack addict?", or said "You're lucky you weren't aborted."

I am sorry for people's ignorance and total lack of sensitivity.  I am sorry for the lack of feeling that so many people exhibit.  Some people just cannot put themselves in another person's life, even for a second.  It is so "foreign" to them.  In many cases, they just don't want you to feel bad, and the only way they can think of to "help" is to tell you how you should feel.  They are very ill equipped at handling your emotions, and just want to say something -- so they say what others say, what they hear on a Lifetime movie, or what they think you may need to hear!  Take a leap -- try telling people what you need to tell them -- such as -- "You know, my feelings are my own."  Or, " I have a right to all of my feelings -- just like you do."  Or, "I love my parents.  This has nothing to do with that.  It's complicated."  "I wish you could understand."  Or "I'm glad that you have never had to deal with this.  It's hard sometimes."  Or "That just isn't supportive.  I just need you to accept that these are my feelings.  You don 't have to agree with them."

I hope this helps, knowing there are others out here who do understand!

Answer 10

I dont feel this way but I tend to be very open minded about the whole adoption thing. There is nothing to be ashamed about if you feel sadness. There is nothing to feel ashamed about if you feel special either.

Answer 11

I think that they're trying to be helpful and comforting without taking the time to get personal. If they took the time to get to know you they would help you with your feelings instead of handing you a lot of platitudes. I have an adopted son out there somewhere so sometimes the birth parents get sad sometimes, too.  I can only hope that your sadness is a temporary thing.

Answer 12

It is human nature when someone is sad to try to cheer them up.  Some people do not understand what others are experiencing and therefore may say or do the wrong things.  

Here's an example - I was abused.  When people find that out, the first thing they say is "I'm sorry".  My response used to be "WTF - YOU'RE sorry?"  But I realized (after many years of counseling) that it is just their way of trying to express their concern for me and to try to show support.  It may not always be the right thing to say, but I'd rather them say something than to snicker behind my back like "do you see her - her dad molested her - can you imagine?"

Answer 13

Because it pops that little bubble of adoption being so wonderful and perfect. Everything that was sold "as if" doesn't really come out to be "as if" if it doesn't go along with adoption is beuful talk.

To be fair, it DOES happen in other areas of suppression. Slaves didn't deserve equality, look how far they had to push for segregation to end. Women didn't deserve to vote and they're still not paid equally.

I was reading an article from the Library of Congress today about where the armenians went through a total slaughter and society isn't even recognizing it there. People deny it even happened, it sounded close to a holocaust yet some still even challenge its existance.

Some people must just be too afraid to "feel" themselves, how dare anyone else decide to do it.

Answer 14

A loss is a loss.  I don't think you every completely heal from any loss.  With that said, my eyes well up with tears as i think of my daughters feeling this loss.

Answer 15

You know, I've pondered this a lot lately.  I am sure that before I got myself educated about what it's like to be an adoptee, I was guilty of the same thing.

I'm reading a book right now that has nothing to do with adoption, and the author is probably not an adoptee (I ought to look that up), but an adoption was suddenly thrown into the storyline.  The language that is used is pretty bothersome.  So far, during about 15 pages of discussion about this adoption, the author has used the word "she" maybe three times, and the word "it" maybe 200 times.  

Why do people who have nothing to do with adoption feel as though they know what to say?  I mean, I DID think that way, so I'm not saying "those people who do that are horrible creatures" or anything.  I just don't understand why.  It would be so hurtful to me to know that someone had written 15 pages of a story about MY adoption, and the whole time called me "it".

I know it's off subject, but it brings me to my point.  I thought about what would/will happen when the "hero" of this book finds her older, adopted sister.  What would her sister say?  Would she HONESTLY say, "Oh, I never, ever wondered about my parents - excuse me, OUR parents.  I've had a fabulous life, and I'm so grateful!"  Or would she say, "Wow, you mean my parents had two MORE kids together, and I'm the only one they gave away?  Nice.  Freakin' nice.  That's just great."

Actually, this might sound weird, but this subject has been really emotional for me lately because of this book.  I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to be that girl, and to find out what all went on while she was in some other family.  Granted, she might have the kind of personality that would allow her to feel fabulous about everything, and never ponder her losses...but how could anyone possibly know?

How can ANYONE but an adoptee know what it feels like to be INSIDE that adoptee?  And why on Earth do we tend to assume that we DO know?  (This bothers me mainly because I have to look back at my own attitudes - not being accusatory.)

ETA:  Opedial, I really think you nailed it.  Funny how I've got an entire book written, and I probably missed the point entirely, and you were able to sum it up in, what, two sentences?  LOL

Answer 16

I am not negating those who have had a bad experience- I am sure that there are some- including you and for that I am sorry- but I have a question back to you= why do you deny that fact that some actually had a good experience. It does work both ways.

EDIT- I never said that you said all

Answer 17

I believe people say those things to try and cheer you, to show you the positive aspects of being adopted and not to focus on the assumptions you might have of being given up, or gotten rid of.  That isnt them saying you are not allowed to have your feelings, I would hope at least.  Everyone is entitled to them, but I think it is more them wanting to help you focus on the good, not what you think might be the bad.  My brother is adopted, has known from a young age and has no issues with it at all.  I know it can be very different for others, best of luck with whatever you face because of it!

Answer 18

~ sigh

   If only people were as sensitive about infertility and the loss some adoptive parents have been through.

Answer 19

I keep wondering why people tell me all these same things when I say I was rasied by teenagers and WISH I had been adopted like my cousins into their families that were so much more stable and supportive then mine was...

I keep wondering why people tell me these exact words when I say I grew up with a feeling that something was "Missing"

I keep wondering why I don't get to feel the way I do either and why I had to live hearing How I was Loved so Much my parents decided to get married and give me a crappy life because they would Never think of giving me a better one....wait I mean let someone else give me a better one....

guess, some of us just hear this for our feelings and I would guess it's because it's hard for people to help us when there isn't a thing they can do to Fix why we feel the way we do....

Answer 20

What people? I personally have never denied or criticized any adoptee for their own feelings. Happy or sad.

Answer 21

People say that about anyone.  People say that about people who have grown up with abuse, "well it was in the past, at least you are doign well now".  Some people, even well meaning are just trying to help, but say the wrong thing.