Why does a ring make all the difference?

Question

I have been struggling for some time about changes I have seen in my husband SINCE we've been married. We have been married just over a year (and dated 1 1/2 years before that) And I swear it feels like "Who died and took over my husband's body?" He was a completely different person when we dated. Had he been the person he is today, I can't say I would have even dated him. Some people have told me that when you're married, the real person comes out... you don't have to pursue each other any more. He used to be thoughtful, emotional, romantic, tender, sensitive, and open-minded. Then the ring went on the finger. Now he's selfish, insensitive (and tells me I am too sensitive - now if I start crying, he says, " NOW what are you crying about?", unromantic (he has not done ONE romantic gesture of thoughtfulness since we have been married - says a paycheck should be enough. He used to love my dog, now he hates my dog. He used to please me orally, but that stopped after the honeymoon, however he still expects it from me. He is bull-headed and stubborn. I feel tricked. Is this what a marriage is supposed to be? It feels more like a business agreement. Is this a case of bait and switch? Am I alone in this? I feel like I'm going crazy! He won't go to a counselor because he thinks that I'M the one that's making all this up. The only reason he would go is so he "could watch when they tell me it's all MY fault". Would this have anything to do with a ten year age difference, or the fact that he was married before for 15 years?

Answer 1

No! It is absolutely not the way a marriage is supposed to be.

I went through the same thing with my now EX-husband.  He didn't give a fig about what I bought before we married, even when living together but as soon as we were married, he became a lying, beyond selfish control freak. It was horrible.

Answer 2

Because society says so.

Answer 3

You make a good case for staying single.

Answer 4

You need to make a decision and let that be that! Have you changed... mentally or physically? You know how some men can be! If you are not happy & do not feel loved, equal in ur union, or happy try to get him to talk to a professional and if not-LEAVE because you deserve better!!

Love yourself 1st :)

Answer 5

You should get counseling on your own.  If you're not exaggerating about his behavior, then this is intolerable.  Take care of yourself.

Someone famous once said that the great thing about marriage is that, when  you fall out of love with each other, it keeps you together until you fall back in love.  

I hope this can be the case for you.  Get counseling!!!

Answer 6

There are way too many things wrong with your marriage. You will not change him..can you live with that? I think he has deceived you big time. Get out now. :-)

Answer 7

It sounds very difficult but you have to just live with it. I'm really sorry that things aren't working out, but maybe this act of his is just a way of masking the fear that your marriage might go sour like his last. Maybe you could talk to him. He is your husband after all, so if you sit him down and just talk it out it could do you a world of good. Let him uderstand that you really want things to work.

Answer 8

No that is not what marriage is supposed to be like.  I don't think the age thing should be a factor or that he was previously married.  The unfortunate truth is that people are different when they are trying to impress someone and get them to like them.  Most people are not very good at being their true self when it comes to dating.  Plus when you first meet someone there is that chemical reaction that happens in your body and you are riding this high that really affects your actions and feelings for quite awhile.  The longer your together the more that high fades and you are left with reality.  People often don't do a good job at seeing reality till they are in the middle of it.  Personally as a man I'm embarrassed by your husbands behavior.  He is a fool and doesn't realize how lucky he is to have a woman like you.  Good luck because I'm not sure what you can do to fix things.

Answer 9

Romance is not the only thing u look for in a potential marriage mate. you look for deeper things like values, morals, religious beliefs, even the way he treats others (incl his mom). marriage for me is even better than dating. my husband NEVER lets me stay angry cuz he hurts when i hurt. befor thee first tear can drop he has me seated in his lap and i talk, he LISTENS, he talks, I LISTEN. also, it has helped us to improve our relationship with god as we showed him that we love his laws by being married.that took a huge load off cuz we take the bible seriously. the best marriage tho, is when both partners share the same beliefs, can communicate properly, are god-fearing and also, they are BEST FRIENDS so that means no secrets. when you truly put jehovah first, you can NEVER go wrong. even despite what you are saying. all you have proven to me, is that you both looked for the wrong things in each other and want to get out of marriage what you clearly dont put in.

also, alot of ppl get the idea in thier heads that a marriage certificate is a guarantee or warantee for a happy marriage. ITS NOT. its the permission, to try to ACHIEVE a happy marriage.

Answer 10

Totally agree with Auntie.   Get to a counselor NOW.   He is a control freak who is trying to sap all your self-esteem.    I also married an older man (17 year difference) and he was wonderful before we married.  Afterwards, became like your husband.    It's because they are insecure and want to cripple you so you won't leave them.   My ex was even jealous of my dog!!  

Believe me, your situation is NOT what marriage should be.    Don't let yourself be dragged down.   I left when he started bad-mouthing my religion and being mean to my dog.    

Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.    

Answer 11

Yeap...bait and switch.  He hid the fact he was a control freak.  Do not become pregnant until you sort this out.  Call him on his "could watch when they tell me it's all MY fault" and go see a counselor.  Let's see who gets the last laugh.

Answer 12

you're not the first to go thru this and definitely not crazy, he's the crazy one....men always do that,,,they go out of their way to impress you and once they have you its all gone, you can't even get a simple compliment from them,,,they are selfish and inconsiderate....i dont know what to tell ya on this one, but just know that it doesnt have anything to do with you.......i have tried and tried several times to make him understand the ways that he's changed and he always tells me that i do nothing but complain and that if im not happy to go find someone to make me happy...i know what an a**hole......