Why does everyone look at the CHILD as being rejected?

Question

It seems to me that first parents (who voluntarily placed their children for adoption) did not "reject" their children but rather rejected THEMSELVES as parents.

The two biggest reasons for voluntary placement are 1.) Finances 2.) Age - both widly regarded as inadequacies in a parent. This feeling of inadequacy is often what prompts the choice to relinquish. It seems to me that the vast majority of first parents love their children more than themselves. Choosing to carry a child to term, endure labor & delivery, and the grief and lifelong consequences of adoption in the hopes of providing your child a better life does not show rejection of the child in my eyes.

So why the prevailing idea that these children were "unwanted" or "rejected"? Why do people not consider that it is the parent who actually rejected themselves? Any thoughts?

Answer 1

I didn't reject my son by placing him for adoption and I don't recall a single other girl in the maternity home who wasn't having an extremely difficult time with deciding to place their child.  However, I think most people have the Dave Thomas (the Wendy's founder) view of it that if the birth mother wanted her child she'd "find a way" and if she doesn't, she's rejecting the child.  Granted, most of the children his foundation helps are abandoned and/or abused and I can understand the stance he took.

Answer 2

I did reject myself as a mother.  I admitted to myself at the age of 16 that I was an unfit parent and had nothing to offer a child other than a potentially crappy childhood.  It's a nasty thing to have to admit to yourself, but sometimes you just have to face the truth.

When you find yourself confronted with a teen pregnancy, it doesn't matter what option you choose - society will slander you one way or the other.  Prime examples are:

An abortion: 'how could you? Murderer'

Keep the baby: 'how could you? You are a child yourself!'

Adoption:  'how could you?  Your own flesh and blood?'

Therefore, you have to make a decision that you feel would be best for the baby.

By the way, money's got nothing to do with it, in Australia it's all controlled by the government and birth parents don't benefit financially.  

Anyway, my son is grown up now and he's fine.  In a lot of ways I'm glad I rejected myself as a parent, but of course I have many regrets too.

Answer 3

I don't know why people think a child is being rejected.  Many birth parents who place their children for adoption are doing it to give them the life they deserve, one that they can't provide.  They want the child to have two loving parents, who are mature enough to care for the child.  It's an extremely unselfish act for man of them.

Answer 4

Because that's how it feels as an adopted child.

Obviously, in adulthood we have the logic to see things as you describe them here.   But to a child it doesn't seem to matter how much you tell them they were loved - it doesn't make sense to a child that someone who loves them could let them go, it just doesn't.

Answer 5

Mama Kate, I understand what you are saying and totally agree.  Choosing adoption is FOR the child but not BECAUSE of the child.  Adoptive parents have a huge responsibility in making sure the child knows and understands that from an early age.  Yes, choosing to carry a child to term, endure labor and delivery, and the grief and lifelong consequences of adoption in the hopes of providing the child a better life does not show rejection of the child or lack of love for the child.  I think most adoptive parents recognize what a huge sacrifice she made and somehow needs to convey that to the child.  It wasn't a decision that she made totally for herself, but also for the child.

Not always, but I think a lot of the problems, when adoptees feel rejected, come from how adoptive parents handle the explanations to the child.  Using phrases like "she gave you away",or "she didn't want you", give birth to those feeling of rejection.  Sometimes, it's what's not said.  Not talking about it sometimes translates into it's something to be ashamed of.

Of course, society, in it's ignorance about adoption, plays a role in those feelings of rejection, too.  A number of people asked my daughter, "Why did your real mother give you away?"  and "Why didn't she want you?"  Again, adoptive parents have to be ready to address these issue as they come up to avoid those feelings of rejection.

Answer 6

Hi MamaKate,

1)I do think that many people get that young pregnant women are rejecting themselves as parents.  I say this because i usually hear words of encouragement.  "You Can do this!"  "Permanent solution for a temporary problem."  "Your child doesn't want fancy toys he/she wants you."  

So again i think people are trying to boost young mothers confidence so that they choose parenting over adoption.

2)The prevailing idea that adoptees are rejected or unwanted was best answered by the adoptees ^^^ above me.   Rejection is what and how they feel.

3)Why people do not consider that its the parents who actually reject themselves?  I think people in general get this but it is overshadowed by the rejection the children feel.

I think most adults get that First Parents are trying to do their best in a difficult situation, not out of lack of love for their child.  I don't think love falls into this equation.  You don't place a child for adoption because you love her more or less than your other children.

First parents are trying to do what they think is best for the child.  That is the "myth" that many here are trying to shine light on.  No matter your age, no matter your finances and no matter your marriage status, YOU are whats best for the child.

For the record not only first parents buy into this myth, some of us adoptive parents fell for it too.

For what its worth those are my thoughts:)

Answer 7

Being adopted myself and having been brought up in a caring loving family I can only wonder if my real parents ever think about me if they do then that is their nightmare I do not wish them to feel that way but then again if they now have other kids then why did thy decide to get rid of me. I f I was rejected which seems quite obvious. So as you say I was rejected and your right  it does'nt make them look good as parents,however for me I was adopted by a good family who brought me up and gave me a good life and they became my mum and dad and I grew up always loving them,they are both dead now sadly and I miss them badly,could I feel that way about my real parents there was a time I would say no ,now however I don't know.I don't think that my real mother or dad rejected me I like to think that they gave me up because of circumstances they found themselves in and thought they could not get out of so rather than giving me a hard life they opted to giving me a better life than they could give me.The people who adopted me always told me that I was special and I have grown always feeling like that and the way I see it is this.My real parents missed out on having a great son.

Answer 8

This is not how all adoptees feel, just the very vocal minority.  Most of us have the wisdom to accept that there are things beyond our control, and that b parents many times make the ultimate sacrifice.  We are not unwanted, we are loved and cherished by a different family, our own family.  This myth that we are all sad and unbalanced only does a great disservice to us all.

Answer 9

Your way of thinking is in a perfect world. What about people who honestly dont give a c**p or they did not know what they were pregnant and couldn't get an abortion and they did not want it at all. What about the crack whores who dont know whats going on? For the most part I get where your going though it is a good point...but people to reject kids everyday. Oh and what about when they do set up the kids for adoption who is to tell that the receiver of the kids are actually going to be good parents and provide. They can be the rejectors. People who adopt just to get government help and money are sick b******s and karma will get them when they least expect it.

The parents who are rejecting themselves is also a good point...people who have kids that inevitably do this is pretty scary. You also have to look at it like this though some people who get pregnant dont have the guts to get an abortion so they give it up. And in the end it works out for the people who can not have kids they adopt. This also makes me sick that people who can pop out kids half the time are unfit parents where as the people who really deserve kids cant concieve. WTF is up with that. Thanks for the insite....never thought how twisted the thoughts of adoption are. Take care!

Answer 10

You forgot #3: No husband

Age & money were not a problem for my mother.  she even asked my father if he would marry her, then they could divorce.  No dice.

We just FEEL rejected.  Most of us didn't KNOW our stories growing up.  How else could we feel surrounded by everyone else who grew up with parents that kept them?

Answer 11

I think that at one time adoption was prompted as taking in an unwanted child. Today, most adoptive parents and agencies, plus the first parents are better informed about adoptee's feelings. This line of unwanted children is starting to go away. now it's more of making sure this is something the first parents want to do, and edcuating adoptive parents on how to best explain adoption to children. I did at one time feel rejected but not anymore, i understand the choice my mom made.

Phil,

Just ignore meerkat, she is a whack! We are unbalanced because we have relationships with our first families. You see we are suppose to be like her and hate our first families and have no relationship whatsoever with them. On top of that like, her we are not to want adoption reforms, that would protect adoptive parents, or easy access to our birth records. So, until we do the above two things, we will always be unbalanced!

Answer 12

I think it's the adoptee that views themselves as rejected.

Also children who are parented by people who aren't ready, children who's mother or father left the other as a single parent, children who lost their parents to addiction or other illegal behavior, often feel rejected.

Rejection is a common feeling among children. It comes doen to feeling " my mommy/daddy chose ******* over me".

Sometimes its drugs, pride, another person, another child, a job, a reputation. I'm talking about children who are parented and adopted.

Answer 13

I think this the case in most adoptions. There very few out there that would just place their child or baby because they didn’t want them. Most did it because they felt they couldn’t provide the best life possible, whether they felt they were too poor, that the child should be in a 2 parent home etc.  

I myself never felt rejected growing up. When I was older I learned that my bm  called FCS up shortly after I was placed and wanted me back, went through with even filling out some papers but didn’t show up to court. So I figure she must have liked me a little bit.  I think she realized that she was not the best place for me; she had a drug and drinking problem and her mother was un-excepting of my race. The woman could barely care for herself let alone an infant.  Everyones diffrent, i see the world diffrently then most always have.

Answer 14

My aunt and uncle adopted the most wonderful girl ever!  at the court hearing when it was finalized, very emotional day by the way, the 16 year old mother got up and said that she was too young, and she is doing this not because she doesn't love her daughter, but that she loved her daughter so much to let two wonderful people, who will never have a chance to have a child of their own, give them the chance to have their dream, and they will be giving this little girl the life i could never dream of giving her.and she asked my aunt and uncle to promise to tell her when she is old enough, that her real mother did this, because she loved her.  It was so said. My thought is, that 16 year old could have had an abortion.....but wanted to give a couple a gift, a life changing gift, that little girl..my little cousin has made my aunt and uncle the happiest people ever.  So I think that the adopted children shouldn't be described as unwanted, because people like my aunt and uncle wanted her very much.

Answer 15

My first thought was that, no matter what the actual reason was, it still translates as rejection to the child.  But that's already been covered quite well by those who've lived it.

I do, from time to time, hear someone totally unrelated to adoption in their own lives spouting off that "your mother didn't want you so shut up and be grateful that you have a family!"...I think this is not the norm.  I think that when you don't know adoption from a personal perspective, there aren't a whole lot of explanations for it.  Why would a mother give her child away?  Well, if you have never spoken to a first mother, and you are looking for an explanation...the "easy" choice seems to be that they just didn't want the baby (there are other "easy" choices, too, like that she didn't have the money - when there are programs that help women financially (speaking of recent years) - etc.).  I think this is just a quick and easy, off-the-cuff answer that people give when they don't know what they're talking about.

There are, unfortunately, those who are involved with adoption in a personal way who still buy into things like this (I'm thinking of the adoptive mom who raised a ruccus last week).  The only thing I have to say to that is that this person, and others like her, never took the time to BECOME part of the adoption world.  She just kept all her old beliefs and became a mom without examining anything outside her own little bubble.

Answer 16

I would not consider it unwanted!

A person who puts a child up for adoption is committing a great sacrifice and demonstrating a large amount of love.

To those who Adopt a child the same can be said of them as they have an incredible amount of love in them to take in a child that is not biologically theirs.

A person who has been adopted should consider themselves doubly blessed if they are raised in a loving home.

Answer 17

Because some adopted children feel this way.

My seven year old is not "buying" that her mom loved her.....she sees her brothers and sister being raised by their mom.  And now that mom has ceased contact for a third time in seven years it is too much for her to bear. Young children can not rationalize how adults feel. They can tell you how THEY feel.

I think there may be adoptees from other generations who have been made to feel this way due to their own personal experience with adoption. We own our feelings and no one has the right to tell a person how they should feel.

I do feel that nmoms who decided to go through their pregnancy knowing they may give up their child do it out of love.  But whenever an adoptive parent states this we are met with anger and hostility. You can't have it both ways.  Unless adoption has affected you personally no one can understand. Many people who know nothing about adoption post here. Members of the triad know better.

Answer 18

.) Finances:   in 3rd world countries its the guilt of struggling to feed their child and give them the attention they need.  Many ignorant US citizens forget welfare, pell-grants and job opportunities don't exist in other countries.

Why do so many twisted foreigners choose to adopt the child instead of helping the family in need?



Is that what jesus dictates?



It would only take $50 per/month.  Wouldn't it be best for the family not being helped by their govt?   Who are the selfish and self-centered ones?

Age is not a factor in 3rd world countries!  Its common to have a child and/or be married by 18.

Americans have become selfish and self-centered bottom line.

Americans are not adopting they are buying babies. It has to stop.

Its not fair to the children and the illiterate/ignorant parents.

If you can't procreate yourself, help the disabled children in the US that are being ignored and rejected!

You can look at it like you giving the child a better life but what does that constitute? MORE MONEY.  Love is love and that doesn't have a price tag.   In about 15 years from now or less children from Africa,Guatemala! and Asian countries will find out the truth and the adoptive parents will have to suffer the consequence of their choice to turn their back on the truth. I emphasize Guatemala because its such a small country and everyone knows everyone.

Answer 19

Don't be surprised if you get a lot of negative answers to your really great question.   I am adopted and have 2 adopted children- and I can tell you that I never have feel that my birth mom rejected me.  As a matter of fact- she wrote a letter to my adoptive parents that if they found that they could not care for me, she would figure out how she could, because that is how much she loved me.  My 2 adopted children do not feel rejected by their birth moms either.  My 19 year old son met his birth family last year- and his birth mom thought that he may have thought that- but he told her, "no actually I love you because you loved me enough to want the best for me."

Some people think that they were rejected so we cannot side step that and say that will never happen.  Obvious from this site we know it does.  However the adopted children that I know personally have never felt that.  All of us are very grateful for pro-life birth moms.

Answer 20

While I understand what you're saying, and it does make sense, it's not what it feels like to the child.

The child wants her or his parents.  The adult world, with its reasons and explanations, is a long way off.  S/he just wants to be with the mother.  She's gone.  She left.

That feels like rejection.  All the mental gymnastics that adults are capable of mean nothing.  It FEELS like rejection.

You're thinking about this like an adult.  The child FEELS it.

ETA:  MamaKate, I understand what you're saying, but my point (and the other adoptees who have answered here) is that adoptees don't get this from society.  It's what we FEEL.  If we change society's attitude (and I'm not convinced society as a whole does think this), then it will be even harder than it is today for society to recognize the real damage done by adoption.  You can't whitewash this and make the children all better.  Children are harmed by adoption.  Rather than engaging in all kinds of sophisticated explanations about how children aren't REALLY harmed by adoption, we need to acknowledge that harm and deal with that.

ETA: MeerKat, the only people who are spreading the myth that we're unbalanced are people like you who need to put down others speaking their truth.  I'm not "sad and unbalanced."  I lead an incredibly full and productive life.  I have good group of friends and family that share that life.  I'm here talking about adoption.  You're just here putting other people down.  That doesn't seem very balanced to me.

ETA: MamaKate...  I said this in my e-mail, but just so everyone else knows...  I didn't mean that to sound harsh, and I'm sorry if it did.  I've always found you to be respectful of others, and this question was no different.  

I think I was thinking of it along the lines of Lara.  Much of the "rejection" notion comes from within the adoptees themselves.  They feel rejection.  (I never heard anyone outside of my own head say that I was rejected as a child.  Which is probably why I don't think of it as a problem with society.)  And I wouldn't want to give those not touched by adoption the idea that the children don't feel anything about this.  But you're right, too.  In some cases, the children may not actually BE rejected by the parents, even if that's what it feels like to them.

Answer 21

A lot of what your saying might be true. But this is how I feel. Most birth mothers can't afford a abortion and don't practice in birth control. or either they are wanting to secure a relationship. The child grows up and wonders why their natural parents go through the birth and all just to give them away. I have study alot about adoption in the last couple of years and have read the hurt in the gown children's answers and letters.

    I don't believe that the children don't  grown up not wanting to know or be with their natural parents. With being a round my grandson that at this time has a father and a step father ( I'm not sure what to call them since they can't adopted him) I see where he isn't like my son's daughter. He's not as lovable even to the couple he stands back alot. Stutters and will most likely go through years of counseling.

  I'm not saying that this couple treats him bad. It's just that he knows really who his father is and they have different ways of raising children.

You don't think that if the child was left along andkept hid form him natural parents he wouldn't wonder and hoped he would know who they are and feel like he was dumped.

    Maybe if the the Us changed the tax laws where the more children you have the more you payed then there would be less familys with 4 to 8 children to take care of and less money the  tax payers have to pay for low income. I just wonder how many people would adopt if they didn't get such a tax break over adoption. maybe i sould ask that.