Why does he always have to right, even when he isn't?

Question

Why is it so hard for him to give me ANY recognition for anything, or to compliment me about anything?

I'm 46 & the guy I'm living with is 48. He is very intelligent, interesting, funny and charming. He's also hard-headed, stubborn, close minded and VERY resistant to any changes. Biggest trouble is, he thinks his is the only opinion that's correct or that even matters at all. He acts like it'll make him less of a man or something equally stupid if I know anything he doesn't, or have more experience in something, have done a great job at something, etc. He has to treat me like I'm an idiot & shoot me down regardless how it makes me feel. Even if I'm totally right! And God forbid should I disagree with his opinion! He will argue against anything I say. No matter if I'm just expressing my opinion, a personal preference, or even things I know to be totally factual. It seems like its more important to him to feel superior at all times about everything. And he never, ever backs down! When someone else says something he's fought against me about, he always at least values their opinion. That common courtesy doesn't extend to me, ever. Can you even imagine how it feels when after shooting me down, he AGREES with someone else for the same opinion/statement?! Even when/if he realizes he was wrong, he will never admit it or apologize for how he made me feel.

As long as I defer to him, we get along great.

Why is being right more important than my feelings? How can I live like this for the rest of my life?

Answer 1

It's the Y chromosome.

Just thank god you don't have the burden of knowing everything and never being wrong. *smile*

Answer 2

All I can say it's fun being married isn't it?

Answer 3

This is exactly what I'm battling with about men.  I'm so tired of the line between love and hate being almost invisible.  It doesn't make any sense to me why some men can't respect the woman he supposedly "loves."  I'll tell you what I told my ex husband when we were getting separated; "I've never been hated by anyone in my life as much as I've been hated by you"

Move on Honey, find a man who can respect you!

Your man is sooo insecure and still has sooo much to learn even though he should be tenderized by now!

Answer 4

I'm so sorry.  I think you must be living with an ex boyfriend of mine.  Seriously, I dated a man who was the same way for about 3 years.  My recommendation is to get the heck outta there as soon as you can.  He has insecurity issues that won't be resolved until he receives some pretty intense therapy.  He has to be right because he's insecure and being right makes him feel superior.  Looking back now, I have no idea how I tolerated it for as long as I did.  The guy I dated began therapy not long after we split (wouldn't go when I begged, said I was nuts).  It's been 2 years and he's still working at it.  He just can't let anyone else be right, and has a one-up story for just about anything someone has to tell.  Really... get him in therapy or get out right away.  It won't get any better.

Answer 5

being right is more important than your feelings. Great catch!

Now you tell us if you will accept the little he can give you or you will find the right person for you.

Answer 6

it's rule #473 in the man handbook.

Answer 7

that is a very good question. How ARE you gonna live with this dope the rest of your life. The answer is YOU CAN'T.

PS. My boss is the same way I wonder if they are the same person?

Answer 8

Dear Advice Seeker:

I've met this personality type before.  Part of the problem is insecurity within the relation you two share and the other part is false pride.  There are men who don't know how to genuinely accept their female significant other being as intelligent or engaging as they are.  He feels insecure while with you.  Berating you is the only system he can fall back on so that he has some control.  To admit he is wrong would mean losing some of that control.

Possible Solution?  Sit him down while he is in a good mood or perhaps just after being intimate and ask him why did he bother "inviting" you into his life if he dislikes your personality so much?  Do not "accuse" him while talking but simply tell him that you think the world of him and feel that the two of you together compliment the other really well but at 46, you cannot carry a relationship based on always being the party who makes concessions to appease his ego.  Look him square in the face and ask him "do you really value and want to keep our relationship"--and before he answers, tell him you don't want an answer right then but instead make him sleep on it--play on his intelligence a little and give him a day of the week that's coming up that he can and must have an answer.  So if t's Sat. and you do this, tell him you need an answer by Tuesday evening.  That will show him that he needs to stop taking the relationship for granted and also a level of seriousness for addressing the issues that are causing the angst in the relationship.

On Tuesday....say nothing to him.  He is to bring the conversation back your attention.  And without arguing, if he remembers.....listen.  Validate his feelings but tell him you will no longer tolerate the disrespect, and should he value what you two are working to build, he must respect your thoughts and opinions as you do his.  If he instead says he would like to sever ties.....keep your composure but thank your lucky stars and plan accordingly.

Love awaits around the corner.....and next time it will be someone who will adore those little things about you that "he" took for granted.  Never compromise your worth!

You owe it to you!

Good luck!

Answer 9

This is a relationship of convience for you.  He has long checked out of the relationship long ago.  

Someone who demeans your thoughts...views...or opinions is clearly stating that they have no care for you.

You either stand up and tell him how you feel...or you live like a coward.

For once listen to what you are saying.   Don't stay because of your feel of being alone.  I learned after a 3 year horrible relationship that there was better out there.  and I could never be as happy as I am now.

It's your turn to check out...and if you continue to let him do it.  Then you agree with him.  So think / review / and walk out.

Answer 10

He's a narcissist. It's all ego.

Personally it would wear me out. I couldn't take someone who couldn't be 50-50 with me or who couldn't admit a fault. We all know that no one is perfect but a man who actually believes he is better than the one he is supposed to be a partner with? No go. If this is draining you I would consider your future without someone who couldn't back me up against his friends.

Answer 11

he thinks women don't know anything  

Answer 12

You are caught in a never ending battle with this guy.  For whatever reason he feels overpowered by you from the start so he must make up for this at every turn by proving he is the smarter, wiser, more informed, whatever.  The more you fight with him about it, the more he'll dig his heels in.

He's disregarding you and probably disregards most all women, if not all people he gets close to.  Its a lifelong habit and probably an operating symptom of a very core part of his personality.  In other words, even he would have a hard time changing this behavior as it would require a real mega-shift on his part of his self perception.

So, your best bet is probably to get out while you can.

What's interesting is that you named off from the very beginning a list of quality traits he possesses.  Who are you fooling? If you walk around on egg shells every minute, feeling like you have to keep your head low and indicate complete subordination, who cares about the other stuff.  

Frankly, a guy who treats anyone the way he treats you on a constant basis and is that unwilling to flex to change, is neither charming nor intelligent, neither is he interesting or funny. There's nothing charming, interesting, intelligent or charming about belittling your mate.

So, to answer your first question, can you live with him? Why sure you can, there are millions of woman who put up with worse.  Question is, do you want to?

First you need to regain your sense of control and sovereignty over your own self esteem and confidence.  You sound far too emotionally invested in fighting with this guy.  Give up, you are not going to win and think of this, if you do, what do you get? Another fiercer fight tomorrow I guarantee as he sees himself as losing power and giving you more power over him everytime he "gives in" to your opinion, desires, whatever.

So disconnect, refuse to engage with him, practice telling him the following:

"That's right, you are brilliant! How have I come so far without you?"

"If we find later you are wrong, should I take the blame?" (Note: You will NOT go out of your way to find him wrong, let nature take its course).

"I read somewhere that it was this...but they must have been wrong."

For proper effect, you need to not say these types of answers with sarcasm, then you sound passive-aggressive. Just say it like you mean it.  He will have nothing to fight you about.  He will also find after awhile that its stupid and he still doesn't feel like he's on top.

Disconnect.  Start to gain your self esteem and support from others and engage yourself less and less with him.  Plan for your future without him.  How much money can you save? When can you move into your own place? Are you married? How will you go about the divorce? What assets, if you have any, are you willing to let him have to end this thing? And so on.

The rest of your life is waiting for you outside the door.

Answer 13

Welcome to my world. I'm in the exact same situation. Fortunately, I am not married because I am already planning my departure (and it's only been three months.) Ironically I am the educated one, and he only has a high school diploma. Does this stop him from being right all the time, and trying to make me look stupid in front of his friends? Nope. I have a theory on his behavior. I believe it's an inferiority complex and self-esteem issue. People who are confident don't go around making others feel like c**p. I've gotten into so many arguments with him...his smugness at always being right makes me so angry. He is so argumentative, it is obnoxious. What's happening is that I want to spend less and less time with him and the end is very possibly near. My advice to you is....don't put up with things you don't deserve. Even if you are married. I know I'm in a somewhat easier position than you because I am not married and can leave much easier. But still, you said it - you can not live like this forever? And guess what? You don't have to!

Answer 14

Yeah my Ex was like that.  I lived with it for 14 years.  Sorry he will not change that is who he is

Linda

Answer 15

How can you? You are only living with him. Well believe it or not there are more deep rooted things in him that he doesn't say. It is a self worth issue personally. You can be successful in business ect. and still have esteem issues.

Answer 16

Maybe your just to s**y and words just aren,t good enough

Answer 17

He has deep seated issues that will never change and will most likely never be modified.  I'll also assume he's an only child, perhaps from a broken family.  It sounds like its time to cut your losses unless you want to spend your time with someone you deeply dislike and resent (unless you acquire coping mechanisms most people shouldn't have).  He's the type of person most people can't stomach having lunch with let alone a romantic relationship with.  I recommend leaving without an explanation...he'll make a much better one than you could tell him.

Answer 18

A marriage or serious relationship is supposed to be about honesty, caring and mutual respect.  In short he doesn't respect you.

Oh the other hand for 29 years I show my wife affection every day, was always willing to listen to her and do whatever it took to make her happy.  One month before our 29th anniversary I found out she'd been having an affair for the past 8 months.  Go figure right

Answer 19

just let him THINK hes right.

even if he isnt. if he is being stubborn and he wont change his mind then let him believe it.

it saves some relationships.  

Answer 20

You shouldn't have to and you're crazy if you do. It demonstrates a complete disrespect for you, your opinions and your feelings. Not conducive to a good relationship.  

Answer 21

well my dear, whatever u facing, i am facing the same situation. i dont know why but what others say is correct but what i say is always wrong. i also get this down fall but now i am so used to it that i try not to get involve with any situation like that, even if its concerning my good or his good. i try to avoid conversation like this and if anything arises i just back off without trying to create any tension. thats the only way i solve it because even what he does i still love him