Why does it hurt me so much?

Question

When my son hurts, I hurt....

When we went to court he ran upto his b-mom and she turned away. I want him to know her so bad. I think knowing him whould be good for her too. I get real sad when I think about how he will feel when he tries and she rejects him. I keep giving her an invitation to see him, but she declines. Am I being just over sensitive?

She says she doesn't want to see him 'cause she feels guilt for the way she treated her body and blames herself for his health. I know that, that played a role in his health, but not all of it. How can I help her forgive herself? He's doing great this month and has perservered. I want her to see that.

When do I stop trying?

Do you think she really wants me to stop writing?

Answer 1

If she doesn't want to see him she will hurt him every time she does.  Give her time.  Tell him good things about her.  That;'s all you can do.  You can't force a relationship.

Answer 2

Stop now the boy doesn't need rejection.

Answer 3

write a note every 6mos for one year if you have not heard nothing then forget it and move on. the kid does not deserve to go through that rejection. its bad for him to be put through this and when he grows up he'll understand better. take care.

Answer 4

the birth mom doesn't want to see the mistake that she gave away. not that im saying your child is a mistake but she doesn't want to hurt.

Answer 5

It hurts because your son has been hurt, because you are his mom.  

Stop trying when your son wants you to stop - or when you can't stand it anymore.  Maybe it hurts her a lot to see him or read about him, but I think it would hurt just as much to not hear about him.

And remember, you are not her mom or her saviour - you need to protect yourself and your son number one.  It would be okay to back off for a while and revisit having contact with her when your son is interested.

Answer 6

cause you love your son!

When we hurt it is because the people who love HURT us or when they HURT, we hurt.

Answer 7

You sound like a really caring person, but just because she gave birth to him, doesn't mean that she's his mother or even that she loves him. I think perhaps you need to stop focusing on her being in his life. It is frequently much better for the adoptive child to not have the birth parent in their lives. Don't keep opening a wound for him unless he's the one pushing it. I would just be a mother to him. If he wants to seek her out later, let him, but just be his mother and let her go.

Answer 8

I have been in this situation. And I can tell you that she is in a lot of pain. Pain ,regret ,guilt, and shame like she has never felt before. I would write her a "final" letter. Let her know with your deepest love that you and your son forgive her. And acknowledge that you understand her pain. And that you would like her to know that the door is always open and will be forever when she would like to make contact. That both you and your son would welcome her. Then ask if she would mind if you sent her a picture and a short update every six months or year or so, and then do it. One of those days when she opens that letter, after she has had time to heal, which could be years, she will smile at how big he is, and how beautiful. Then hopefully call. Or it may be that you will never hear from her again. Some women need to deal with it by shoving it deep down in their heads and forgetting it, never telling anyone and never admitting it to themselves. I do know a girl who doesnt have contact at her choice, the adoptive parents send her a picture every year, she is happy to leave it at that. Under no circumstances though would i expose your son to his birthmom till she is ready to embrace him. He doesnt need the rejection. Bless you for having such a caring heart.

Answer 9

Some people who give children up for adoption are like that. The only way they see they can heal from the process is to separate themselves from the situation. By you continually trying to contact her you are pushing the situation back in her life. You may want to just write her once a year or just less often. She may eventually want to see him.

Answer 10

i think she does

the birth mom probly had S*x  becuz she had an urge becuz shes locko at the time

i dont blame her

if i was a woman ( which im not lol) i would probly feel guilty for having s*x with someone and then getting pregnant being "unprotected"

i watch too many soap operas as a guy ( im only 13 lmao)

i also feel sorry for the kid who was given life to this world even though he was a mistake.

i think u should give some time and not write to the B-mom

becuz she has too much guilt and pressure on her.

just looking at her child that she created makes her even sadder becuz shes probly having flashbacks

she doesnt hate the child

she just hates herself for making  a mistake when she was younger

wat a sad story life for the kid/teen/near adult

btw how old is he anyway?

i bet he's older than me lol

good luck to the child

Answer 11

Your putting him through more rejection then necessary, leave her to her sad life, your his mother and you love him as yours she doesnt deserve what your trying to do, you've done your best so just leave it, your son will only hurt more and he doesnt deserve that either, good luck to you, get on with your life with your son and enloy it, if he wants to know one day im sure he will but for now you've done enough xx

Answer 12

I don't think you should stop writing, maybe limit it to certain times for your own sanity.

I think any attempt to keep that connection alive and hopefully, with time there will be healing, that your son will appreciate this when he is older, that he will see it as unselfish love on your part, and respect that you were willing to do that for him.

That is unconditional love, everyone should have someone who loves them unconditionally.

That is heart warming.

Answer 13

I think so.  It's not the same situation, but after my ex went crazy (claimed another spirit took over his body) he didn't want to see my son anymore.  For ages I kept trying to force the issue, because I wanted my son to know his dad.  It didn't do any good...  his dad wanted to be out of the picture.  Now he is, and things are better.  I suggest letting go of the b-mom for a while.  If she's ever ready to get to know your son, she'll contact you.

Answer 14

Please never stop trying.  Always keep the door open.

I can see why it is so painful for her.

Please send huge hugs from me to your son and you may benefit yourself and your son by speaking to someone like Joe Soll - he is an expert adoption therapist and knows the inside of the minds of adoptees and birthparents better than anyone I know and has helped many many adoptive parents and their kids in wonderful ways http://www.authorsden.com/joesoll

Good Luck to you

Answer 15

I think she need to figure out things by herself, It can be difficult to give up a child and forgiving others can be messy, but if you have resentment to yourself, that can take many years for a person to find out how they can do that.

And she could feel pressure for your letters that she HAS TO DO SOMETHING, just tell her you wont bother her, that you do not blame her, that that was how things were ment to  happen in the life of your son, and she will always be a welcome part in your lives, when she becomes ready, and if she needs support, that you will give it to her if both of you feel it necessary.

Answer 16

You have done nothing wrong!  Thats what its all about.  Being there to support your baby through things like that.  Keep trying but if it starts to hurt your son or take its toll on you then stop.  Just keep that door open.  Be honest with your son according to his age of course.  Just keep in mind that her rejection isn't a reflection on you or your son.  She is the one with the problem.  Let's just hope that one day she will get counseling and come to terms with her past.  Lord knows avoiding a situation is not going to make it go away.  People are probably sick of hearing me say this in all my responses but just pray and keep your head up.  You are that child's real mother because you are the one who is going to be there no matter what.  Anyone can have a child but a real mother is doing just as you are and that is a beautiful thing.  Pray for that birth mother.  I am sure that she means well and thinks in  her own mind that she is doing the right thing whether you agree with it or not.

Answer 17

im really sorry to hear that your sons b mum wants nothing to do with him.

what you have to realise is that she gave him up for adoption which means she didnt want him,please dont force the issue with the b-mum as you will push her further away,she nedds time to come to terms with what she done and that could take a long time.

YOUR son does not need to be rejected by her as every time he is rejected its going to knock him lower and lower in himself.

please keep loving him as you are and giving him the care,as long as he has you he will get through it.

Please give up on this woman,you carnt make her do something that she does not want to do.

just be there for your son when he needs you and forget about her,your sons feelings matter not hers.

Answer 18

you need to stop forcing his b-mom to see your son..

she needs to get over the situation herself at her own time and i think eventually she'll come to you when she is ready..