Why does my 14 yr old daughter have such a problem with this?

Question

I let my kids have friends sleep over just about every weekend, my 14 yr old always asks for two of her friends, yet EVERY time there's 2 friends here, she comes crying to me that they've "buddied up" without her and she feels left out, so she goes and sulks in her room for the night. I'm usually within earshot of their "hanging around" and I don't hear what she's "feeling"...everything seems fine to me, so I don't know what to tell her except that she invited them over, so she has to be a good hostess and stay with them. She's not the only one though, I've noticied this behavior with some of her friends, too and Occasionally, my 11 yr old has this same issue.

Why do all these young girls have such an issue with their friends having other friends? It's not like she wants them to kiss her feet or anything and she doesn't want to be the center of attention, so I don't know where this is coming from. Does anyone else here go through this with their daughters? Any advice?

Answer 1

Try inviting only ONE FRIEND AT A TIME for sleep over. this way, nobody will "buddy up" and she will be more comfortable.

Answer 2

your daughter has a frequency of no drinking and no s*x

her idiot grilfriends in a future time will be opposite.  

so this situation is saving her you think it is bad it is good

children and teens are either s*x or no s*x drink or no drink

you kid is probally no drink   no s   no smoking

Answer 3

I remember feeling like this a lot when I was around the age of 9 to about 13. (I am 20 now) I would have my best friend over and she would hang out with my sister more than me. I think it made me feel left out, like she wasn't coming over to hang out with me, but for my sister. It made me sad, feeling left out sucks. I was very insecure around that age, perhaps try some self esteem building exercises with your daughter.

Answer 4

I don't have a daughter or anything but I knew a lot of 14yr old girls. I think they just are looking for that one best friend or group of friends that become inseparable and get equal attention. It's a phase as far as I can tell. It'll pass

Answer 5

Im not a mom.

but i AM 13.

i have the SAME EXACT issue.

we feel upset because we want our friends to at least make us laugh, and have fun.

but when our friends "buddy up" or whatever, it makes us feel left out. and when we TRY to have fun with them, they completely space us out. and we feel like c**p.

Answer 6

I remember this kind of thing from my childhood.

Kids learn their behavior from watching adults. They get to learn how to be self centered and hurtful.

Your daughter may not have taken on these bad habits and is instead polite and sharing. Those who aren't will gang up and exclude or even pick on her.

People of any age, if they are of the self sort, can't understand those who aren't like them. They are intimidated or feel guilty. They will tend to gather those like them close and shun the other instead of making a change in themselves.

If your daughter doesn't join them good for her. She will be lonely though until she finds a friend like her. Keep observing her with others. Determine what kind of person she is. Nurture the goodness and deter the bad.

May God bless her and you.

Answer 7

I don't know why she has this problem.  But if she's had this problem regularly in the past, then maybe you shouldn't let her keep having multiple friends sleep over at the same time.

Answer 8

I would talk to her about it and be direct that you are not hearing what she has suggested in a caring and sensitive way. The fact that she is doing it continually is becoming a way that she considers she can handle a problem and this would concern me. Sometimes as children I don't think we always understand the things we do. She may  feel she is not important in her friendships or she may be looking for more attention from you. What ever the reason it is not resolving anything by what she is doing. I consider it important to learn to communicate her feelings to you and teach her better ways to to resolve problems. When you talk to her look for expressions of feeling like angry, sad, rejected and ask what that means to her. That may give you an idea of where the problem comes from.

You sound like a great mum just to be here    concerned.              good luck

Answer 9

I'm not a professional psychologist, but I have a lot of experience with adolescent girls and their problems. It sounds to me as though there are two things that might cause these behaviors in your girls (there are probably more possibilities, but these are the ones that strike me):

They could be insecure or have 'victim complexes' in which they feel either as though they are dislikeable people who don't have much to offer as friends, or they may feel as though they have been hurt by people before and fear it happening again. Either or both of these issues could result in them interpreting innocent words or actions of their friends as indicating that their friends don't like them and don't want to be around them. If that is the case, maybe you should watch out for other signs of your girls seeming to have low self-esteem and try to help them think more highly of themselves.

It could also be that your girls are accustomed to getting everything they want, so even if their friends are having normal social interaction your girls might feel betrayed if their friends do not want to go exactly what your girls want them to do. This is a very different issue from insecurity and requires a different approach.

You're the best judge of which of these might be the case with your girls.

Answer 10

I call this the triangle problem. It seems impossible for three children of any age to play together without someone feeling left out. At different times in the sleepover one of the other girls might feel the same way, but they don't say anything becuase you aren't their mom. Just let your daughter have one friend over at a time.