Why does my Dad, who acted annoyed by my pressence when I was a kid, seem to miss me now that I've moved out?

Question

I can understand why my Mom misses me because we were very close & even though I have a lot of siblings, she always made time for me. We'd go out once a week just the two of us & share a meal and just talk. Later, I learned she had something special like that with all her kids (ie: her and my twin used to go to the arcade, then have ice cream & chat)

Dad on the other hand took care of us financially, but that was about it. When we were little, Mom used to try and get him to do stuff with us independently of her, but he wasn't interested. He was extremely controlling of us kids and whenever he and Mom were on the outs, he would find something wrong with one of us and make a big deal out of it so they could team up on one kid & Mom would forget she was mad at Dad.

Now we're all grown with our own families & lives. All of us still call Mom on a regular basis, send her packages, etc. I figured my Dad would be ecstatic to FINALLY have her all to himself and us out of the house.

But he's not. Instead, for the first time, he acts like he's interested and wants to have a relationship with us kids. He calls us, emails and wants to spend time together.

I don't have a problem with this, but am trying to figure out why he didn't act like that when I was a kid/teenager/young adult still living with him

Answer 1

Once your kid is interesting and old enough that you truly have things in common and want to spend time with him he leaves to live his own life. But as a kid yeah he is annoying.  

Answer 2

my dad did the same thing i think its cuz once i was gone he relized how much he missed me and that what he did was wrong  

Answer 3

maybe he now realises, what he has been missing when you were a kid and wants to try and enjoy all the time he missed and coonnect with you more. maybe you should ask him.

Answer 4

Maybe his conscience has finally caught up with him. It's most likely guilt that he is acting this way.  

Answer 5

people dont realize what they have until its gone. besides, taking care of kids is hard. and maybe things were hard for him. taking care of lots of kids, work, all that stuff. now thats theres not a lot to take care of, he has loosen up a bit.

hope this helps! (:

Answer 6

Your father is probably very aware of how he didn't get enough quality time with you when you were growing up and living at home.  I'm guessing it might just be because he spent most of your growing-up years worried about his job, paying the bills and generally getting through one week at a time.  This is my guess because what you described is very much how I see my own current household situation and the relationship I feel like I often have with my kids.  As a parent, I feel like I'm always too busy trying to get through today or this week, with my job, paying the bills and making sure the household gets "run" properly, that there seems to be no time to relax and focus on family relationships.  It's like running a household is a business.  It always seems like something needs repair, or one more household chore is undone.  I've got as many as 4 kids living at home now - 2 go away to college during the school year and are home on holidays and over the summer and 2 others are still in high school and living at home full-time.  Being a parent can be overwhelming.  I constantly worry about getting the bills paid and at the same time try to maintain a home, which my kids tend to take for granted.  None of them feel any regular obligation to clean up after themselves, and this includes the kitchen, the bathrooms and their own bedrooms.  They're always asking if they can have friends come over, but never feel inclined to clean up any part of the house before someone comes to visit.  Personally, I'm embarrassed by how the place looks, especially since I know that our home is the sloppiest in comparison to any friend's home my kids ever go to visit.  My kids probably feel much the way you do, but my reason, most often, for a disinterest in what they're doing, or in spending any time with them is, I guess, a resentment for how they treat our home. I feel like their lack of respect for the place they live in is also a lack of respect for me and my wishes.  Therefore, unless their behavior changes, I can't say I'll miss them much until after they've moved out and been away from the house for an extended period of time.  

I don't know if this is similar to your situation. Hopefully you grew up having some kind of respect for the home that your parents provided.  If that's the case, then maybe your father had some other issue going on that you were never aware of at the time you were growing up.  Now that you're older and out of the house, maybe you should just ask him. It's very possible he'd welcome the chance to "clear the air" and be honest with you about why he behaved that way.

              

Answer 7

I think all Dad's are like this sounds like mine a lot too

but at least your Mom was good and still is to this day for you

My mom doesn't call at all I don't even know where she lives now and my kids still haven't gotten their Christmas gifts from 2006 so who knows

Answer 8

All parents do that, my father does the same thing, h**l at one point my father literally told me I was just a child not his friend. 8 years later I'm out on my own and he randomly shows up at my place or constantly invites me over for dinner and whatnot.

Answer 9

Some men have a hard time expressing their feelings. My father was and still is the same, but I know he LOVES me. He just has a hard time showing it. (and I'm a girl)

Answer 10

I am in the same boat.  Really close to mom but not dad.  I wish I knew the answer but since I don't, all I can say is thank God for the time he gives you together and take advantage of the fact that your dad wants to spend time with you now.  You won't regret it and won't find yourself an old man wondering what could have been...Good Luck!  

Answer 11

My husband was the same with his kids. He worked all the time and did everything to get ahead. He was strict with the kids and made them do chores and didn't give them a lot of money, I was the the one that did baseball and school functions and such! but now that they have moved out he has slowed down working and now he has more time to do things and his kids aren't here to do them. Don't blame him, he did the best he could do. And take as much time with him as you can. He love3s his kids and now grandchildren. I can tell you he probably wishes he had so of that time back! Good luck and remember someday you will be a dad too!

Answer 12

never know wat u have till u lose it  

Answer 13

I have a stepfather who does the same thing.  When I was there at the house he acted as if the house was a museum and seemed to be very annoyed with the fact that a child was around. i managed to still achieve and was involved in activities like football cheerleading, student council, class officer, and Ultimately Miss -------- High. Now that I look back I was trying to prove to myself that I was good enough.  I'm out of college and my stepfather acts like we are so close to his buddies at work and has me and my sister's pictures up and calls me his daughter, and I am just like whyyyyyyyy ??the moment has passed.   I can never get back my childhood and he should feel guilty. I refuse to act like everything is okay.  I need counseling! hehe!!  Maybe we should go talk to someone, huh buddy??

Answer 14

I agree with the answer above, that he may be trying to deal with his guilt.  This is quite common actually the best thing to do would be just either let him give you his company when he offers it, or let him know how you feel about this situation.  

Answer 15

He might be trying to deal with his guilt

Answer 16

it doesent get any more normal

Answer 17

He took you for granted.  And then the years flew by and he's realised that he can't get those years back.

Or else he didn't know how to deal with kids and prefers to have an adult relationship.

My dad was the same.

Answer 18

be cause he does. he regrets being annoyed at ya

Answer 19

Maybe he didn't realise how lucky he was to have children, and regrets acting in that manner when you were small. So now he wants to make up for it.

Answer 20

im annoyed with my little bothers precence when they're around but i miss them when they're gone..

Answer 21

dude your still his son ,my dad does the same thing, but he cries when i go home

Answer 22

he is realizing his mistake in missing out on you guys growing up.

Answer 23

Regret. You don't ever truly appreciate what you have until its gone.  

Answer 24

Some people don't know how to express their love. My father in law was very similar with my husband, but when my kids came in, he was a totally different person with my babies and my husband. They learned that they were responsible (financially) for their families and that that was all their dutie. Specially old males have a hard time expressing emotions to their childrens because they are affraid that they might loose control over them.

Answer 25

You dont realize what you had till it's gone.

:O

Answer 26

Some people just aren't great with kids.  By taking care of you financially, perhaps your dad was doing all that he felt he could do.  Now that you're an adult, perhaps he feels more comfortable having a more in-depth relationship.

Answer 27

Maybe he was starting to feel closer to just before you moved out. You would have been almost an adult and He was probably just starting to connect to the mature you as opposed to the teenager you

Answer 28

Well red, I tell my daughters I am their mother and not their friend.  I am friends with my oldest because she is 22.  

Many households have fathers that aren't close to the kids, especially when you have one where the mom doesn't work.  She tends to take of everything including the kids, so they feel closer to her.  All this is normal.  it would be great for you to have a relationship with your dad.  So many people don't have dads.  he sounds like an upstanding guy.

Answer 29

maybe because inside, he really loved u but didn't show it. so when u moved he missed u because he thought what what bad of a father he was to u so he missed u and wanted to the past to be a better father