Why does my fiance's son not want to learn?

Question

My fiance has a 3 1/2 year old boy who does not want to learn. When we try to play learning games with him, he says "see, almost done", and tries to hurry through it so he can sit on the couch or on his bed and stare at nothing. We have several games and movies for him to interact with because his mother doesn't spend any time teaching him, so when he's here, we try to sit aside at least 30 minutes a day to help him learn by using games, flash cards or movies. He goes to pre-school, but it's mostly just an organized play group and he still takes himself away from learning to sit on an adults lap to do nothing. It's getting aggrivating because he's behind and we can't help him because he doesn't want it. He's gotten two screenings and they say that he's extremely behind for his age group and his social/emotional behavior is something to be worried about. We don't force him to sit and learn but we have to figure out something because he's not getting the attention he needs w/ his mom.

Answer 1

All I have to say is to try to convince his mom to help him learn. Because if all he dose with his mom is to stare into space then you know where he got that habit. Tell his mom what is going on because every concerned mother would something about it.

Answer 2

Children (like adults) want to do things that are fun. Try making "learning" more natural in an environment he likes. If he's having trouble w/counting objects... take out 3 - 5 spoons from the drawer and ask him if he can HELP you count  them. Take 1 away and then ask if there's more or less now.  If he has 1, give him 2 and ask him if he has more or less. Clap when he gets it right or is "close". Rather than use "store bought games", use materials that are in his environment.

Play a "find it" game and ask him to find a red "whatever", a blue, a green, etc. and reward w/praise. Sing songs, count cereal, play "i see", and sing and act silly w/him. Sing the alphabet song and stop and let him sing the next letter... All children like to learn when it's fun. Use the movie as a reward... not a learning tool.

Children learn a lot through organized play. @ 3.5 I don't know how he can be "behind"... from here it seems as if "mom" has some influence in his behavior and it will take being w/you an exciting and enjoyable visit for a while before you may see a change. Children @ this age learn best through play.

Answer 3

Since he is already extremely behind, drilling him with flash cards will get you, and him, nowhere. He just isn't ready cognitively to participate in such activities. He may be functioning as a 2 year-old; would you use these methods with a 2 year-old? I doubt it.

Is he getting speech therapy ( yes, we do work on social development, too; it's called "pragmatics"), or play therapy with a marriage and family therapist? He can really benefit from one, or both, of these interventions even though he is in preschool and a play-group.

Intervention begins by providing developmentally appropriate activities which are not age-based, but are right for the cognitive and language stage the child is at.

Your school district can do a full evaluation and place your child in the right program for his needs. All services are free of charge, and will be the best thing for your child. Please call the neigborhood school on Monday and get him evaluated ASAP!

Answer 4

just talk with him and he can learn alot if you just smarten up the play things.

just expose him to books and let him tear up magazines and gain curiousity about print

blocks can always help ........ get him talking about what the toys are doing... where they go ... some of the colors.    put away flash cards unless you can convince him that it is a really fun game.

Answer 5

putn him in a special program or maybe he has a problem in his brain or something =)

Answer 6

If you two are truly concerned about him, you have the right to take him to a professional on your weekend.  My child physcologist sees my son on weekends since this is the best time for us.  I think there is something going on with him.  You deffinately need to check it out, and you have every right to be concerned.  He could have ADHD, or Autism, and so forth.  It's unfair to the child not to take action.  He can't help himself, that's why he has parents.  Good luck.

Answer 7

having to constantly be next to an adult or in an adults lap is a sign of an attachment problem. He's probably not securely attached to people. A positive attachment will happen when a child gets what they need when they need it and not putting the child off. If his mother has put him off and not taken care of him properly then he could have trust issues. The idea that he needs to constantly be next to someone is a sign that he fears being alone or that if this adult isn't in his constant sight that they might get away from him. Does that make sense? I was going to say with the learning thing that he might actually be advanced until I read more of the story. My thought on this was that maybe he was bored with the games that he's playing and needs more of a challenge. In diagnosing a child, people can always be wrong you know. He might also have a learning disability such as ADHD or he could slightly be Autistic as well. Those things would make him not have much of an interest in certain things. He might also feel that he isn't good enough or smart enough to play these games that you have and maybe he is embarrassed for you to see him. My best advice is to maybe take him to the store and let him pick out something that he might like. You could also try to lower or increase the challenge to see what happens. You can try rewards for completing a game correctly like stars on a chart or even cookies. Show him that you absolutely love him even if he can't do it and show him that you'll always be there. Sometimes that's all that a kid needs. I know that we as adults tend to think that the kids should just know how we feel but they don't always know especially if there was a parent that proved otherwise. I read one of the other posts that said to throw out the flash cards but my step daughter plays with flash cards that have pictures on them so I would say that those are okay. She doesn't read the words she just says whatever animal is on the picture lol. Also the learning leap frog videos are great. I also read up there somewhere that children don't like those, YES THEY DO. My husband thought that she wouldn't watch them. It took a few times because she was so used to her regular movies but soon she got really into them and now she asks us to play them all the time. She says "I wanna watch Fwogs". She has learned so much from them too, numbers, letters, you name it. We also trick her too, I'll say "what color is that car" if she doesn't want to answer or something then I'll just tell her that's it's another color than it really is. So like if it's a red car then I'll say "oh it must be black" then she'll come back and correct me because she can't stand it lol. Try these things first and then if this stuff doesn't work then take him to be checked out by a doctor. Good luck.

Answer 8

maybe hes so use to not having to learn and now he does  why do u try teaching him little things and progress up and instead of u making him watch movies u  and Ur fiance spend more time wit him wit out the other TVs on or any thing that will distract him and make the learning fun and u guys will be spending more and more time wit him

Answer 9

He's definitely avoiding.  Kids like to learn, as a rule.  

So it's probably your way of going about it.  

Have you made it fun?

That is the cardinal rule with kids, it must be fun.

Flashcards are NOT fun.  Toss those out.  (I did those with my 4 yr old daughter and she told me "reading is boring"!  So I have been, stupidly done that.  Toss 'em!)

Also, forget the educational movies.  Kids like to learn one on one with a live person.

Are you showing your frustration to him?  Can he sense it?  I'll bet he can.  That has to stop immediately.

You guys are going to have to back off at once.  That's what I did with my daughter after the flashcards. You have to get smart.  You have to trick him into it.

Here's one way.  Get the Sounds Like Fun  CD from Discovery Toys.  Play that CD constantly.  It teaches letter sounds (much more important than the ABC song).  It teaches some other stuff too.

Scream and get excited (I'm serious!) every time you see a stop sign.  Go out of your way to see one.  Then say, Oh, his name, look!  A stop sign.  I'm going to spell it, ooooh, it has an S, a T, An O, a P.  (make it like a song)  Yay, stop sign!!

If you can reach that high, put your finger under each letter as you say it.  then quit and move on.  Don't belabor it!  Say it once each time, and that's it.

You say he is "way behind".  Sounds like he doesn't know his colors and numbers?  With numbers, there are those wooden puzzles with the numbers.  Get him one and let him play with it.  Say nothing at first.  Force yourself to say nothing.  Hmm, how often does he see you?  He may have to have 2 puzzles, one to take with him to his house and one for your house.  That's a big part of the problem, he doesn't get this attention consistently, you know.

So let him play with the puzzle, and after a couple of months, you can casually say, Oh, this is a 1.  One two, buckle my shoe, or something like that.  You have to be casual, upbeat and playful or don't bother.

Can your fiance get custody?  If this boy is so far behind, you may have a good chance.  then you could really help him.  This once in a while stuff just isn't going to work.  Kids need a daily dose of casual and consistent and fun interaction to learn something.  And I cannot stress enough that it must be fun.  Otherwise, you have the situation you two are in.

But anyway, you must be sneaky and manipulative to get him to learn.  There are ways, you just have to be creative.  Sjpeak to a teacher for advice, we teachers are the best sneaks in the business!

Answer 10

ok, first of all i really dont think that a 3 year old would worry about his mother, He is a baby yet, He will get over the troubles soon, with that, But i think that you are pushing the child too much, He will learn on his own time, I mean think of it this way, Say , You cant stand peas or brocloi, And your fiance comes home and tells you to eat it because you have a cold, and he forces you to eat it, Well would you eat it, Even though it makes you sick, See this child, cant speak, and he is trying to tell you, No iam tired please i had enough, But you think he is worried about something no, He has nothing to worry about, Soo make the surroundings pleasant and teach him, a few things but dont push it

Answer 11

PLEASE Get a professional second opinion, he might be autistic, which affects 1 in 166 children today.  with early intervention children are greatly helped. start with the childs doctor and caregivers, they can help identify. the hearing and eyesight should also be checked. at that age kids are sponges and they love learning games

Answer 12

Don't set aside specific "LEARNING TIME". Make learning time happen all day. Show him the RED stop sign. What else is red? Is your shirt red? .....blah blah blah...Then if he wants his Skittles, tell him he needs to count how many there are because you want 3 and he can have 4. Make sure you do this all the time, not just during your learning times. If he wants to sit on his bed, fine, put glow in the dark stars on the cieling and have him count stars. Or encourage him to draw a picture of the stars. There are lots of ways to teach him things, without him realizing that he is learning.

Answer 13

does he feel uncomfotable around you?  does he only listen to his mom?  a lot of kids do not like step parents.  maybe he is frustrated and do not know how to express himself verbally.  try seeking a therapist.  maybe he is not adjusting well to a new mommy.  or has he been abused by someone?  are the kids bothering him in school?  what about the teacher or her staff.  kids keep secrets.  or this kid needs discipline such as structure, learning how to respect authoriies, letting him know who is in charge but he can express himself without fear.  check out nanny 911 website or like i said call a therapist and ask the teacher what is going on?

Answer 14

I'm a teacher and do a lot of work in this area and can tell you that rushing a child into learning is going to turn him off even more. Boys especially. They are developmentally, typically behind where girls are at this age, it'll all catch up, but for now, he seems like a "young 3"

You obviously are trying and so loving to care for him as you do. He is a lucky boy!!!

I'd suggest talking with the teachers in school and sharing these concerns, ask them to recommend some things you can do at home. Ask them what they do when he doesn't want o participate?

Social skills develop through experience...playing with other children, learning to give and take,  to be a friend and be part of a group. Does he play with children outside of school? Play dates are wonderful helpers in social skills. Invite a friend over.

Giving him chances to accomplish simple tasks and feel good about it, can spark more interest to try new things as well. Make that a game...give him a task like setting a place at the table and count the silverware, plate, napkins. Think of things he can do or help with and cheer him on. He won't realize all he's learning!!! We do this with our kids at school. Who can help set the table? How many blocks did we use to build our building? How many toys can we clean up? How many circles are in the room? How many blue things can we find? What's the biggest/smallest? Those kinds of things.

As much emersion into this as you can give, is key.

Children learn a ton through play, especially on a social level.

To help him with his fine motor skills which he'll need for holding the pencil properly and writing, as well as cutting, lacing, etc. I'd suggest play doh, legos, puzzles, lacing shapes.

He's a lucky boy to have you and have you caring so much for him!

Good luck to you!

Answer 15

he has a short attention span. try making the games fun for him or get his mother involved with his life

Answer 16

a normal 3 year old learns by playing, not from teaching and lessons. Stop drilling, quizzing, and definately no TV. Find something interactive that he already enjoys. Take him for walks and help him talk about what he sees. Plant seeds, play games, whatever, as long as it is interactive. Give him plenty of breaks, especially if he is not used to this. Don't expect more than 5 or 10 minutes on one activity.

Is he autistic? Have him evaluated by a child psychologist. In the mean time, lay off the teaching. You are stressing the child. More of that and you can be certain he will never enjoy learning. Sounds like his "organized play group" is exactly what he needs right now!

Answer 17

This is a really sad scenario. The bottom line is, you can't make up for the attention he isn't getting from his mom, with a 30 minute a day teaching session. Especially since he seems to be turned off learning. If he's going to an adult to sit on their lap, rather than playing with other kids in his peer group, that's a pretty serious sign that he's asking for help and knows he can't keep up with the others.

If he's been tested twice, why isn't something being done to help the boy? Seriously, this sounds like a major case of child abuse. Abuse can be mental, as well as physical, and depriving a child of the care and attention that can help him thrive is just as serious as whacking him with a stick.

How does your son figure in all this? Do your son and his fiancee live together? Does he interact with the boy?

This kid needs help, and needs it fast, or he's headed for the special ed division and life on the half-track.