Why does my friend decide to remain uncontactable from time to time. What’s the psychology behind it ?

Question

I have a friend, who, when she gets fed up, decides to remain uncontactable. She has been like this for years. It doesn’t matter what I do to help her, she decides to leave it months before she gets in touch again. Over the years, I have sent her cards, e-cards, letters, even money and tried phoning her (when I phone her, she never answers the phone and doesn’t have voicemail). I know she is ok, because when I pass by her flat, her light is on, so I know she’s not on holiday, etc. She gets in a huff because she hasn’t got what she wants from life (well, who doesn’t feel the same way in life? I know I feel the same way, but she has no sympathy for me) I’m getting tired and bored of her behaviour now and all I’d really like to know is why she is behaving like this? Is it childishness or what? When she decides she wants to get back in touch again, there she’ll be back on the scene again.

Answer 1

She just needs time-out from life sometimes, we all deal with things in different ways and this is how she deal with it.  My brother does the same thing - we call it his 'cave time'!

Talk to her about how upsetting you find it and ask her to at least send you a text once a week so you know she is safe.

If things don't improve and you feel you can't cope with it then unfortunately maybe you shouldn't be friends.

Answer 2

Why should anyone always be available to you, or anyone else...just because you want them to, or think they should?

I'm available when I want to be, makes some people want to be with me more...it also shows me whose "desperate" and who is self-confident.  

Answer 3

I think she is insecure, and this is a way of getting attention. If she didn't want to know you, she wouldn't get back in touch when she needed you.

So, is she really a friend at all?

Answer 4

Like Garbo, some of us just want to be alone.  My life is complicated and I have a hard time sorting it out in my own mind much less trying to explain it to friends or family.  Some people just need their "space".  

Answer 5

As previous posters on here said, many people do 'withdraw' from others from time to time because they need to be in their own company for a while (I am one of those people). However, if your friend does this every time you have a disagreement, she is probably sulking (a form of manipulative or passive-aggressive behaviour) and wants you to do what you're doing (run after her asking what is wrong and giving her what she wants when she reappears because you were so worried about not being able to contact her). In future, I therefore suggest that you leave her alone next time she does this, so that one of 2 things will happen:

1. She will reappear as she always does but you won't have wasted time and energy chasing after her, so you will feel better and can be nice (but don't get drawn into defending 'your side of the argument' or 'giving your friend what she wants'. Act as if there were no disagreement).

2. You will drift apart and the friendship will end (in this case, I don't think it will be a big loss to you anyway, as I'm sure that you have plenty of other friends to talk to without worrying about how they'll react. If not, you'll make new friends).

If number 1 happens and you want to resolve this issue, you can then try the direct approach of having a discussion about why she does this and explain how concerned you (and others) feel that something bad may have happened to her (e.g. an accident) when you cannot contact her (because you care about her), so that you can perhaps figure out a way of her letting you (and others) know that she's ok but annoyed and wants to be left alone when you have a disagreement.

Failing that, number 1 is the indirect approach and works because you are no longer rewarding her for becoming uncontactable, so she is less likely to do it. This approach is similar to giving a child 'time out' because you're showing her that she gets nothing out of this behaviour.

Hope this helps!

Answer 6

Maybe this is just how she deals with stress. It might be difficult for you to understand, but try giving her some space. Unless she's only around when she wants something, I don't think there's anything wrong with her behaviour.

She probably secretly appreciates you making the effort though - have you tried talking to her about it?

Answer 7

Have you ever come across the expressions:  'What sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander'....?

Goose n Gander are the same critter, just different genders, and the sauce in which you cook one is the same for the other.  And, what this means in reference to your question, If your friend can behave like that, then why not you? ...if that's how you might feel after all this time of trying to be 'a friend' and having your efforts ignored(!)

If you have gone the route of 'explaining to your friend just how her behaviour effects you', and it makes no difference, then maybe you should simply behave in a manner towards her that she has demonstrated to you.

It may or may not help the relationship, but you might find that exerting some apparent indifference towards her makes you feel better.

Sash.

Answer 8

People deal with things differently. When hurting, I tend to be a recluse whereas my sister needs someone with her 24/7 wen shes going through a hard time.

Its just how she is made up. try to be understanding. thats how she is.

Answer 9

It is childish to believe that because you want to speak to her she must be there. People don't always want to be surrounded by other people every second of everyday, maybe she feels that your rubbing it in her face how good things are for you and doesn't want to feel like she's worthless?! I had a friend who knowingly became friends with a guy i knew who completely ripped my heart out, and she everyday would come and tell me what they did and how much he loved speaking to her and i couldn't bare it sometimes i just couldn't face speaking to her so i'd close myself off just to be able to go a day without hearing it. As a true friend you should understand her way of dealing with things, she may deal with her problems best alone with her own space then trying to make sense of it enough to where someone else will understand. Have you not ever just wanted to be alone for  mins or a few days??