Why does my friend make excuses for her rude husband?

Question

I hate going out in public with my good friend and her husband ... he is a complete a**hole to waiters, valets, etc. I mean, he yells at them and treats them terribly (he had a waitress in tears once). And he berates my friend in public -- embarrassed, she tries to laugh it off, which makes me sooo mad.

When I confront her about his behavior, she just makes excuses for him. "He didn't get a lot of sleep" or "You know how he is" or my favorite "He's a complex person, like you and me."

I can't understand why she doesn't just stand up to him ... and not be a doormat. WHY?????

Answer 1

In public it's best in front of everybody to apologize for his behaviour. Someone has to apologize if he misbehaves in a public place and he is too rude to do it, so any well mannered person would make excuses on their partners behalf. I am more worried that he behaves this way with her and is verbally abusive toward her. Then this could mean she is in an unhappy relationship and he tries to take away her self esteem if he does that to her at home. Constantly criticizing or demeaning her.. if that should be the case, which I don't know, you should look for signs when you visit them at their home if this happens. In the end effect should she live in a verbally abusive marriage and he is not only rude in public then she should contact a self help center for abused women even if it's verbal abuse but as long as you don't know for certain that this is the case, he may be rude only in public and I would feel embarrassed as his wife and would definitely apologize to the waiters and and everybody. as he knows no common courtesy and behaves like this.. I would publically apologize for his behaviour as well. Perhaps he is stressed out.. if he behaves like this always then he has an anger problem or he is a person who may be verbally or even physically abusive to her as well but only she can go and seek help should that be the case. There is no real evidence. In case he does those things she should join a self help group for abused women...if he is in a rage and starts a scene and he already is so rude to staff in a restaurant and she would start to confront him there it would lead to a real scenario of trouble, he would lose his temper even more. She does not confront him when he is in such a horrible mood I believe because it would make matters even worse and his behaviour would explode and she would have to bear the brunt of it when they are alone at home together.. so she tries to calm him and she seeks an excuse in public. It must be humiliating for her to have to do this and to be his partner and if he berates her in public that is a good sign that he may well be verbally or emotionally abusive to her and she perhaps is too weak or has already lost her self esteem because of the constant criticism she gets from him that she has no willpower left to fight him and she is living in an abusive marriage. You should ask her if you are a good friend and if she admits that this is the case all you can do is recommend to her to seek help in a self help group for abused women.. no matter if the abuse is verbal or physical.. emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse and a lot of women let it happen  to them either because they believe they can change him or they still love him or they are too browbeaten to get help and lost their willpower and self esteem or because there are children involved and they live in the mistaken belief that children are better of with father and mother even if the father is abusive toward the mother.. there are a lot of reasons why she lets this happen.. she should get help. He is manipulating her and he is controlling at best if not worse those are indications that emotional abuse is happening to your friend at home.. x*x