Why does my parents divorce still hurt 25 years later?

Question

I am 26 and my parents divorced when I was 1-1/2. I went to live with my step mom, her two kids who were 8 and 10 at the time, my brother 3 and sister 5. My parents say they did this because they decided that that was what was best for us. That we have a mom and dad and as much normalcy as possible. My mom moved 13 hours away to be near her mom in this difficult time. Therefore I didn't see her or even talk to her much. Several years later we would visit her in the summers and stay with her. I still feel the pain of "how could you be so far away from your babies?" I am not mad at her, I can understand why she did what she did but for some reason it still hurts. I don't want to talk to her about it b/c I don't want to make her feel bad (and she will) plus she changes subjects when it comes to something serious. How do I deal with this? Why does it still hurt?

Answer 1

get over it, life is too short to have issues

Answer 2

It still hurts because you still have the "wounded child" within you. Some things you can do:

Recognize when "she" is present in you and be good to her. Hug yourself. Talk to yourself Yes talk to yourself...the inner child, and tell her she didn't deserve being abandoned by mom. Tell her you will take care of her and love her. Dialog this whenever you are hurting. Eventually this part of you will grow and you will move on if you take care of yourself and perhaps get therapy with a practitioner familiar with inner-child work. Obviously its important and so are you and your happiness.  

Answer 3

Probably because you yourself has a stronger sense of family values and its what you want in your own life...and if you dont have it already, if you're not married, you are probably working towards having all that your parents didnt have.

I suggest you seek some help, not prescription meds or anything, just talk to someone, it will help you sort out the past, so you can finally put it behind you and move on, and not end up in the same situation.

Answer 4

It still hurts because you were, in a sense, abandoned--even though your mom's leaving was not malicious.  In fact, it sounds like she tried to do the right thing by you guys, by giving you a sense of normalcy (whatever that is nowadays).  I think it probably would have been better if you were able to see her more often because the effort would have given you a better sense of comfort...that she loved you enough to make time to see you.  Yet, don't be mistaken: she loves you and always has.

I think you need to seek counseling to resolve these issues...your therapist may also recommend you talking to your mom.  Even though this may make her feel uneasy, or even defensive, you need to get this off your chest so you can move on.

I have had the same issues as you, only I have been dealing with my issues with my father and his not being there.  I have always felt sad, but went into a very deep depression last year when he had a stroke.  I finally went to a therapist early this year and am working out some issues with feeling abandoned and my issues with anger.  I am 34 years old and need to put this behind me because I need to find some sort of peace before I destroy my life.

I hope you do the same.  Please seek the help.  You are still young and have so many years ahead of you: don't carry the weight of the past on your shoulders.  I can only imagine the sense of sadness you have always felt, ever since your parents divorced...you probably have always battled a bit of depression.  I can only say that therapy will help, if you want it to.

If you need to talk more, you can always contact me.

Take care.

Answer 5

Its time to let the past go.  And I am sure it was a decision that was hard for her to do.  But she made sure you were taken care of and that no harm came to you.  But it sounds like this is something you have to get a answer from her so ask it and dont let her leave the room tell her you need to know even though the subject will hurt her feelings.  In your life this is a lesson to learn from. It sounds like you are still that little girl who missed her mom so you have her now so when you see her hug her and love her for what she can give you love.

Answer 6

I would suggest that you get some counseling for you to cope with this some people don't get over divorces easy, but this is your issue not your parents they did what they did to be happy and that it unfortunately some people don't get over things so easy my dad was like that and he died sad because his parents never got together and got divorce he was little too then he turn to drugs, he was married to my mom  all of his life and he always told us he would never leave us, and every time he said that he looked so sad, and I knew it was because he was so sad that his parents got divorced, he never got help that is why I am telling you go to a counselor they do help at least try.. Good luck dear.

Answer 7

Because you have not had closure to it!!

You can get closure in a couple of ways.

1. Talk with your parents.  Ask the questions you want to know and gain a true understanding.  Note!  This will mean they have to be willing to talk about it.

2. Love them and forget what was done in the past.  Forgive them and build your future relationship with them.