Why does "anger" get such a bad rap?

Question

When someone dies, do we tell their loved ones to suck it up and move on?

When someone gets a new job, do we tell them to shut up, we don't want to hear their excitement?

When someone stubs their toe, do we laugh at their pain?

Didn't think so. So why does everyone get so uncomfortable about that one little emotion - anger? It's just like any other emotion. It deserves validation the same as any other emotion.

Why do some folks get all freaked out at the idea that someone might not be falling all over themselves with excitement and gratefulness because - through no fault of their own - they lost out on the opportunity to be raised by the folks who created them? I'm sure some have positive feelings about that type of situation, but I don't understand why it's so difficult to comprehend a few negative emotions about not knowing the people whose genes and history you share.

And why can some not see how some anger is warranted when one segment of society is treated unequally under the law? I'm a feminist - I don't like being treated differently from men. Simple. I can understand how an adopted person might get a tad huffy about not being treated with equal respect to a non-adopted person.

Why the confusion? Why is anger seen as somehow less valid, less worthy, less "right" than any other emotion?

Answer 1

Anger, just like any other emotion stands its ground however, when one takes that anger and dwells upon it that is when one must learn to get through that time of anger and move forward. Dwelling will only cause more negativity and is quite powerful to ones health in a negative manner.

Yes, I have anger  towards my biological mother and that cannot be taken away but, do I dwell? No. One must come to realization that likely what they want to ease their anger will never prevail. One must learn to give themselves closure as hard as it is.

My biological mother once again wrote me off, I  was angry and still am because of her lack of responsibility and need to blame myself who was only an infant at the time for her mistakes. However, as much as I would love for her to tell me the truth so that I could move on completely that will never occur. So I must deal with my anger in that moment of time which I have, move forward and give myself closure.

Answer 2

Probably the same reason why happiness gets a bad rap.  I think that there are bparents, aparents and adoptees alike who are tired of hearing that they are wrong, or don't know better, for being more than OK with their adoptive experience.

Answer 3

it shouldn't. we can't judge what others feel about adoption. some are happy about and others are angry. i think respect has to go both ways. someone who is angry about their adoption should not push their feelings on a person who is happy about their adoptoin. likewise someone who is happy about their adoption should not disrespect someone who is angry about their adoption.

I have found out that those who are upset or don't feel that an adoptee should be angry are the very ones who don't think reforms are needed in adoption, that records should be sealed and that an adoptee should never want to know their birth family.

People are quick to point the finger at the "angry adoptee" that they are bad people. What about the others who say they are "happy adoptee" but they make fun of, berate an adoptee who wants to have a relantionship with their b-families or want reforms in adoption. This is what i don't understand.

Answer 4

It's because the adoptees who have anger try to force their anger on the rest of us.  I'm content with my adoption.  I don't want your anger.  I get 20 thumbs down when I say I am happy to be adopted.  It looks like no one wants to hear when you are happy either.

Answer 5

I have no problem at all with people being angry, although I personally don't feel it's a productive emotion no matter what the circumstances.  That doesn't mean that I don't get angry myself either but the one thing I don't like, and I see it here all the time, is people assuming or stating that all people who were adopted are angry about it or feel a sense of loss.  

It's that use of the word ALL that ticks me off.  Don't speak for me or for the others who are not angry or in mourning or feeling some loss.  Not everyone feels that way and it's these statements of absolutes that I don't like.  

For those who are angry or upset, I wish them all the best in the world and that they can heal that anger or sense of loss in some way so that they can move on.  Just don't drag me and the others who are not automatically feeling the same way into it all.

Edit

You are correct, I never once said that you used the term "all".  If you read what I said you will see that I'm talking about the general assumption around this forum, not what you personally have said.  I also believe I have stated what I feel about the emotion of anger so I would enjoin you to not put words in MY mouth either.

Answer 6

I'm not sure.  I actually think that anger can be productive if channeled in positive ways.  Anger can promote change, it can inspire, it can promote communication.  There is nothing wrong with me being angry at my kid for hitting another kid.  How I express it is the issue.

The anger many feel is completely valid and there are appropriate ways and places to express it.  I would argue that an adoption website such as this is an appropriate place to express this anger positively.  I have learned a lot by what other people write.  Honestly, why would I have stayed on here at all if everyone was just expressing happiness over adoption? BORING!  I don't agree with everyone but I appreciate the raw honesty here. It is what makes this site interesting.

I think all those criticizing "angry adoptees"  and who implore them to move on with their lives, somehow think that adoptees are running around shouting from the rooftops their unhappiness over their adoptions. Most adoptees don't go around talking about adoption at all much less telling everyone they meet how angry they are. You only see a person in this forum speaking about adoption.  None of us have a clue what everyone is like or how they act IRL, but I would guess that very few are angry, hostile people.  

This is an adoption forum.  It is one place to express how you feel or what you are thinking.  This is one of the few places I have experienced a wide range of feelings and attitudes about adoption.  If people are so uncomfortable with the anger expressed here I just don't get why they don't go find a more one-dimensional site, there are plenty of em out there.

Answer 7

Anger doesn't get such a bad rep, it's the double standard that is going on.  If others express happiness, the unhappy people jump on their cases.  Where is the understanding there?

You really need to accept the fact that others have different views.

I agree with Bring it.  If you're having problems in your adulthood with things that have happened in teh past you NEED THERAPY.  What a horrible life you're going to continue to have if you harbor all that anger.

Answer 8

Well, there were a lot of questions there but the answers weren't exactly right. People DO tell bereaved people to suck it up, they quite often don't want to hear about someones good news and people regularly laugh at others misfortune, there are whole TV shows about it where we watch video clips of people falling over and quite often getting hurt.

"So why does everyone get so uncomfortable about that one little emotion - anger?" Anger is not a little emotion.

"they lost out on the opportunity to be raised by the folks who created them?" they probably didn't miss much - the parents gave them up. They didn't want a child or they couldn't look after one. Either way it wasn't going to be a good situation to be in.

To run the risk of a thousand thumbs down...poster number one was right (thought rather blunt), it's ok to have been angry about something but if 30 years later they are actually still letting this burn a hole in them, they should go for counseling.

The people becoming uncomfortable about anger may well be watching someone display an uncomfortable amount of pent up rage and feel they need to try to calm it down or get away from it before the angry person becomes unhinged and they fear they will be injured by them.

Not a soul in my life has ever told me to calm down or not show anger - this is because I have shown it at appropriate times and in appropriate measures. If people are being told they need to calm down or be less angry, there's a very good chance that they do.

Answer 9

Anger is ok if you're in the moment, If the bad situation is current or recent past BUT if you're 40 years old, Still mad as h*ll about your childhood; I'm sorry but you got a problem. If you're whining weekly, daily or monthly about some sh*t that happened over 20 years ago you got a SERIOUS problem or May suffer from not having a freaking life.

Answer 10

It's not so much that anger is not a valid emotion in this circumstance but getting STUCK in anger and depression and not MOVING ON to acceptance and hope is where there is a problem.  It is not healthy to stay in the anger mode.  Find a way to move on to acceptance and hope or seek professional help in getting there.

I think dwelling in Yahoo Answers Adoption forum is keeping some people from moving out of the anger mode.  Why do you care so much that EVERYONE take your point of view.  Is no one else's point of view valid?  or ONLY yours'?  If this is what is keeping you in the anger mode, why spend so much time here?  Some people just seem to enjoy being angry and announcing their anger to the world.

Answer 11

Dear Gaia,

My guess is it could be a number of things:

Fear. Some people are not comfortable with their own feelings of anger (about anything, not necessarily adoption). They are afraid of their own feelings of anger (examples could be but are not always: as a result of abuse or living in an abusive household, crime victims, children of substance abusers, certain mental illnesses, etc). They are sometimes afraid of their possible reactions (ie: afraid they might hurts someone, commit a crime, become addicts themselves, etc) others may not feel they have the coping skills or support system to deal with their situations.

Denial. Some people have trouble expressing themselves, are "not in touch" with thier own feelings or are even afraid of their own issues. They may feel guilty about their anger or have expresed it in the wrong way and be embarrassed by it, they may not be ready to deal with their own situations, etc. If others ARE expressing their anger, it becomes harder to "swallow" or "repress" these people's own feelings.

Emotional Education. Some people have been taught that some emotions are "better" or "more acceptable" than others instead of being taught that ALL emotions are valid; it is the way we express and act on them that is really "better" or "more acceptable. The way we have been taught to "behave" has an effect on how we handle our feelings. A child who has never been allowed to freely express themselves or has been told that their feelings are "wrong" or been incorrectly punished for "acting out" will often have emotional diffiulties as an adult.

Emotional Intelligence/Competancy. Some people are just naturally more "aware" about emotions. "Indigo" children, people who are able to empathize or are able to "feel" the emotions of others, psychics, etc are examples of people who are gifted in or have exceptional emotional intelligence. One could easily argue that it is a trait common among great religious leaders, healers and humanitarians. On the flipside of that, there are people who are just unemotional. Some people have great control over their emotions an percieve any display of passionate or unbridaled emotion as "unseemly" or somehow socially unacceptable. These people dislike "sharing" feelings unless they are pleasant or "polite". Some people are "shallow", "hollow", lack empathy or are unable to "put themselves into someone else's shoes".Some people just don't care.

Mental/Physical Illness/Disease/Damage. There are illnessess, diseases that can impair people's ability to understand others, feel for themselves or make them just not care. Examples of this are psychopaths, sociopaths, some forms of dementia,  certian forms of alzheimers, brain deformities or damage of the amygdala, pons or other part of the brain, chemical or nurological disorders, etc.)

Of course there are other reasons a person would wish to "invalidate" someone else's anger (pettiness, cruelty, a slew of emotional circumstances/situations etc), but these are the ones that stand out to me and I think are worth explaining. Every individual has his or her own resons for they way they are and none will be alike. I hope I make sense!

http://articles.latimes.com/2007/mar/22/...

http://eqi.org/empathy.htm

http://www.nwrel.org/scpd/sirs/7/cu13.ht...

http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/empat...



PS Sorry about any misspellings - the fabulous checker is not working!

ETA: I wanted to add that many people are taught that anger is a bad thing and that we need to feel it as little and express it minimally. While I agree that there are many bad things that can come from anger when it is uncontrolled, there are so many other things that come from anger that are positive. Anger is a great motivator. It has produced amazing art, music and writing. Anger has freed people and nations, changed laws, improved lives. When used constructively, anger can be a very GOOD thing. (Even if it is sometimes yucky to feel!)

ETA2: RESPECTING people's feelings and POVs is the key here, folks. There will never come a time when everyone feels the same way about everything (because we are all different!) No one HAS to feel the way anyone else does (Which could be rather boring, IMO.) but we should all try to understand each other and treat each other with respect if we ever expect to have someone understand us we have to be willing to agree to disagree and remain respectful. *sigh*

Answer 12

Good point Gaia.

Its a normal and valuable emotion. Its part of any emotional process.

I think people that discount or wish to ignore it, do so when it goes against their own agendas or emotions that they are not ready to face.

I think some people on here are just criminal minded (involved with agencies or adopting for the wrong reasons) so the take pleasure in "trying" to discount emotionally intelligent adoptee's feelings.

Its a conflict of their personal interest and god forbid anyone get in the way of it even the victims of it.

ETA: There are some "acts" in this world that are never acceptable and will always draw out anger or bitter feelings but that doesn't make someone all around an angry person. I get disgusted and angry hearing about pregnant women being murdered by paps and having their baby cut out of their wombs. I guess until it stops and more preventative measures are taken, like locking up those sick people for good, I will always have the feelings of disgust, sickness, and anger toward that "act" and those types of people.

I think people expressing and not suppressing anger is actually beneficial for themselves personally and it opens up the eyes and ears others living in "make believe land" or with the mentality of "out of sight out of mind" and "its not my problem or fault".

I will never shut up and recommend those that support human rights do the same. Its the only way change will happen.