Why does she act like this towards her own daughter? (long story)?

Question

My cousin had a daughter in June 2006, I heard that she was just going to leave the baby in the hospital when she was born. I went to visit her when she had her, she decided not to leave the baby. During the next month I had her half the time, she would just leave her with me and not come back. One day she called me and told me she couldn't take care of her. So I took her. There wasnt a formal adoption. My cousin didnt know who the father was, and was into drugs and still is. My daughter is now 19 months old. She also has 3 other kids. We see them occasionally but not often. My daughter had withdrawls when she was born, she would just cry and cry. But now she is a beautiful, smart toddler. My husband and I love her so much. I tell her birth mother she can see her anytime, but she doesnt want to see her since the time she was born, she has maybe saw her 4 or 5 times. It has been bothering me for awhile what to tell my daughter.

Answer 1

Shes young she doesnt need to know anything..If she has a healthy home with people who love her why take away from that. DOnt ruina good thing besides she is a toddler wtf..

Answer 2

I am soo sry about it... and just reading it... i think to myself... OMG your a great person and i mean GREAT!!

well you should continue your good work and tell her maybe the truth when she is older!

thanks :)

Answer 3

Don't ever tell her that her mother didnt want her, that will be hard for her. Be honest, tell her she was meant to be with you. Her mom wasnt ready to take care of a child and God blessed you with her, shes where she was meant to be. When she gets old enough, she'll understand how her mother was. But you just raise her as your daughter, with all the love you can possibly give.

My best friend was adopted and found out about her birth mother when she turned 18. Her birth mom was in the Army and slept with the Pizza Man and at the time, she would of been kicked out if she would of kept her. She valued the Army more than her own child. My friends okay with that.. she never called her ''mom'' or anything like that. Her mom was the woman who raised her, and did a fantastic job. Its the same for you, you are her mom. ANd when the times right you can tell her about her real mom, when shes old enough to understand. And that it was better for her to be with you and the drugs didnt allow her birth mother to think straight, they had taken over.

Btw.. I would make it a formal adoption. Make sure you have full custody and all parental rights over that child. You don't want her birth mom to come back years later and try to take her back from you.

Answer 4

God Bless you!! You have time to think about what to say to her, but, whatever you do, do not lie to her. I would just explain the circumstances to her, that her biological mother was unable to give her what she needed, but, you fell in love with her and was able to give her the kind of life she deserves; two loving parents, a good home etc...

Answer 5

be honest with her, tell her that your cousin needed help to care you her, and that you love her very much...

also have you considered making it a formal adoption? whos to say your cousin won't come back in 6months and demand the baby back? unless child services placed her with you, or this was an actual adoption, you cousin has every right to take her. You may doubt that this will happen because the birth mother never comes around, but people change there minds about this kind of thing out of the blue.

Answer 6

Right now you shouldn't tell her anything, she is too young. You should work on getting full custody just in case your cousin gives you trouble in the future. Drug addicts are unpredictable and who knows what kind of leverage she might  use when she is desperate.

As for the reason why, because she is an addict and that is all they care about. How else can you explain a mother who continues to do drugs when she is pregnant? Nothing is important to her except getting a fix. It is a physical addiction.

Answer 7

First of all, if you love this child like you say you do then you will file for adoption. Her biological mother could take her back anytime she wanted because you haven't officially been given custody. And I know you don't want to go through that.

Second of all, don't lie to your daughter. Don't tell her "Your mom is sick" or any stories like that. Tell her the truth. Wouldn't you want the truth?

Tell her that her mom loved her very, very much but sometimes mommies aren't ready to be mommies. So, her mom found another mommy that would love her baby.

God bless. It's a tough situation, but fortunately there are wonderful people like you out there who help others no matter what.

Answer 8

i'm not going to lie to you. the best thing to tell her when she can understand is the truth. tell her the truth. she will be hurt but let her know howq much u and your husband love her. let her know that you will always be there for her when no one else is.

Answer 9

I should let you know up front that you need some legal paper giving you at least gardianship of the child as it seems the baby may still be with you when it enters school, or god forbid if it needs emergency medical care. As for your daughter, tell her the truth and let her know that she is loved and that it would mean a lot if she would help show the baby that it can be loved too.

Answer 10

You really don't need to tell your daughter anything for the next 4-5 years.  She wont be able to comprehend it anyways and it would just confuse her.

IN the mean time, you need to go through a formal adoption process.  Its for the best interest of your daughter and it gives you legal authority in what may and most likely be a very difficult situation in the future.  (she wants her baby back).

My father signed away my rights when I was one year(s) old.  My parents told me when I was 6.  I also have a brother and sister I have never met, but I feel no emptiness or loss of anything.  

I have parents who love me unconditionally and as long as you can provide that for her, she wont miss out on anything either.  

Kids only realize they missed out on something when they actually missed out on something.  She has you and your husband as her parents.  If you love and treat her like your own, she will feel like she is your child.

Answer 11

Tell her her mommy is sick and can't take care of her, but she loves her very much, and wanted to make sure she had the best mommy and daddy in the world since she couldn't be there, so she asked you to be her mommy and daddy.

Answer 12

I have alot of experience dealing with people who have drug/alcohol problems. You're going to get alot of long poetic responses for this questions but from what you said it really only comes down to one thing.....

Your cousin has a drug problem, I don't know if you've ever tried a drug or been around someone whos deep in addiction, but when you're addicted the only thing that matters is getting high, that's it. NOTHING matters, not matter how beautiful her daughter is (which i'm sure she is :) ) , to an addict or partyier it just doesn't matter.

Love this little girl as much as possible , do everything you can for her, and maybe try to get your cousin into rehab, if not then let it go.. a drug addict is VERY difficult to convince of anything that involves them making the effort to quit

Answer 13

First you are wonderful to take the child in. Iam sure the doctors told you that the baby probably had drugs in her little body from her mother.

Get child services invold and the baby will be yours for ever. Also think about her other children God Bless Them.

Answer 14

You're your daughter's mother. That's all that you have to tell her. That's all you have to tell yourself.

If you want her to maintain a stable a life then have a formal adoption and secure her future with you. Good luck.

Answer 15

First, I'd say adopting your daughter is LONG overdue.  Your cousin could legally walk in the door at any time and demand to have your daughter back, and most courts would hand the child over to her without blinking, especially if she had cleaned up her act.  Make her status legal NOW.

Second:  When your daughter starts to ask questions, tell her the truth.  Explain to her that her mother couldn't take care of her properly because of her own problems, and that you took her because you love her.  The truth always works best, and children seem to know when you're keeping something from them.

As to why your cousin behaves the way she does - you may never know.  It's incredibly difficult to know another person's motivations.  At least she saw fit to ask you to take care of her child, and you are able to do so.  Try not to judge her too harshly; there but for the grace of God might walk you or I.

Answer 16

the mother won't see her because right now the drugs are her family.  she dosen't know any better and may never.  So its probably a good thing that you don't let her see your daughter.

Props to you for stepping up to raise "your child" as your own.  i think you can tell her about her biological mother when she is ready to understand.  maybe 4 or 5.

EDIT:

Q said it right!!  thats a perfect thing to tell your daughter!!

Answer 17

First thing I would make sure to legally adopt. That should be #1 on the agenda. Second I wouldnt worry so much right NOW.. (I mean she's just a baby) But I imagine the TRUTH works the best. As long as you bring that baby up and give her all the love she needs. It will hurt her later to know that her mom didnt want her. But it really wont matter a whole lot because she will know that you and your husband TRULY love her no matter what. She will be fine. Just dont lie to her...

If it makes you feel better just whenever she can understand more then start trying to tell her. Just little things. when shes like 3 or 4. Just so its not a total shock to her. But make sure you let her know she means everything to you! and that you are thankful and sooo happy that she is yours to raise and tell her you LOVE being her mommy... Or something to that nature... YOUR heart will lead you to say what is RIGHT!  Best of luck! :)

Answer 18

First of all, I'm sorry for her, but I'm also very happy she has someone like you. She's going to have a happy life thanks to you, and although she may have some mixed feelings about her mother leaving her, it's something you can easily help her understand. One day, probably when she's older, she'll be happy she left.

I can't tell you why this woman you speak of acted like this, there is just so much that could affect her decision, especially a mother who is into drugs. Too little money to balance kids and drugs, feeling angry at her child because she doesn't know who the father is or because she came at a bad time. The problem is that you can't find a logical explanation for illogical behavior, and a mother of three (or four, technically) that is into drugs and sleeping with enough men to be confused about which one fathered her child is not behaving logically. Clearly the drugs and her own selfish concentration on her own needs as opposed to that of her infant child are what rule her mind right now. She's acting like this because she needs help. I honestly think you should think about telling some authorities, because I know she's your cousin and you don't want to take her kids away from her, but she's not fit to be a mother, I think she's proven that by abandoning her child. This is your call, I can't call child services, so you're going to have to make the call on whether or not to let her continue like this.

And if your little girl asks why her mother abandoned her, I guess I would say to her what my mom said to me once: Sometimes when people have children, they haven't grown all the way up yet. A lot of the times mothers have children and they are still children themselves, they're not ready. It's not the the little girl's fault, it's just that her mother wasn't all the way grown up yet. She thought she was, but she wasn't, and she got scared and ran away. A lot of people need therapy when their parents do things like this because we all have this ideal picture of the perfect parent, and for most kids, it's not the reality. And when the difference between what we want in a parent, and what we have is drastic, a lot of the time it's a very traumatic realization, and it leaves kids with this feeling of "what did I do wrong?" But you can fight this simply by explaining to them lots and lots that it was not their fault, and that it wasn't that her mom didn't want to be a parent to her, but that her mom didn't want to be a parent at all. She may need proffessional counceling, but if she grows up in a loving home and doesn't feel like she's missing something in her home life, she probably won't even feel like asking except out of curiosity.

*edit* And i know it may be a touchy subject, but you might want to think about making the adoption final and legal so this woman can't jet in and take the child back if you plan to keep her. I know that does not sound logical, but, again, she's not behaving logically, and I think you need to protect this child. And, possibly, keeping her is the only way.*end edit*

Answer 19

It’s to clear from what you have posted that she does not give a dam about this child. The fact she still does drugs and who knows what else well no one like that should be around any child. Its good your going to try and legally adopt her. Since the birthmother clearly shows little to no interest in the child, the birthfather is unknown. The fact you’ve been raising her for so long, and the birthmother continues her durggie life, you should have no problem securing her legal adoption.

As far as what to tell her the truth is always best however you can sometimes leave things out in till she is old enough to understand them. Perhaps one day if she participates in the program DARE . (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) you can go into a little about he her mothers drug issues.

Answer 20

I would be more concerned right now with her walking in and taking your "daughter". Which she has every legal right to. I would definitely get some legal papers done and fast.  Besides, how do you get medical care and coverage for her?

Answer 21

there is nothing you can do, the only person that will have a problem would be her, since she does not know what she is doing because of drugs, is not inportant at this time , just take good care of the baby, she will thank you later, there is no need for you to put her mother down eighther, is better to tell them nothing untill she is ready for it

Answer 22

You're a great person for doing this, but your cousin has, in essence, given up her maternal rights to the child and you need to accept that fact and leave the cousin to her own devices.  I don't know what state you live in, but you really need to file formal adoption proceedings immediately, because right now, you are NOT her legal guardian.  In most states, you would be looked upon as a merely a care-giver and will not be able to give authority for medical care, register her for school, etc.

The following is from http://encyclopedia.adoption.com/entry.p...

"The problem with an informal adoption is that the child has no rights to the "adoptive" parents' social security benefits, inheritance, and so forth, and the "parents" have no legal status as parents unless or until they formally adopt the child. In addition, birthparents and relatives may come back months or even years later and reclaim the child, with no recourse to the informal adopters."

Answer 23

Because some people are not so nice.. Sorry thats its your cousin but I guess its very true...Shes not a very nice lady..Or atleast to children..Only way I can put it. X

Answer 24

Honestly your mommy until she is old enough to grasp the situation.   Tell your crackhead cousin not say ****.  I salute you for takeing care this child good for you.

Answer 25

Wait until she is older to tell her the truth, my cousin was adopted and is in jail because of drugs but his birth mother was most likely on drugs while pregnant. just give it more time and if she start questioning it than tell her that her mother loved her but couldn't take care of her.

Answer 26

Something along the lines of what the first answer suggested sounds reasonable to me. Also, I'd suggest trying to get a formal adoption done, so that your cousin can't try to get custody later on and cause the little one any more heartbreak.