Why does society look down on adopted children especially those from foster care?

Question

My wife has been told that she should not have another pregnancy so we are not. We are going to adopt. I have had people tell me that we should try anyway that is better than getting "one of those kids" (foster kids) I have had to tell off lots of people already for their comments. There seems to be an overwhelming consensus that my wife risky her life or not having more children is better than adopting. Thankfully most of our family and all of our friends are supportive in our decisions

Answer 1

cause people have no feeling and they should put them selves inside other peoples shoes(not literally).  byeee:)

Answer 2

I have never understood that attitude towards adopted children.

My mom is an adoptee who grew up during the 50s and 60s knowing that she was adopted but she has NEVER felt looked down on.

I have been friends with people who were in foster care and never looked down on them or pitied them.

Answer 3

Great question.  I don't have the answer, sorry.   The stigma and shame in adoption is still alive and kicking, sadly.   You see it everywhere from people's comments and attitudes, from the State when they insist on secrecy and the sealing of adoptees' birth records and most of all it is perpetuated by the media.

Answer 4

One neighbor asked us to please not adopt a drug baby---because she didn't want her house broken into.... She had adopted her children in the 1960's as newborns--they were perfect...

Once at the doctor office I was updating the records and a woman overheard me....right in front of my 6 year old she said, "We thought about fostering but were afraid we would be killed in our sleep...."

People seem to feel it is acceptable to tell adopted foster children they are "Lucky" to have such wonderful parents--who didn't have to adopt you"

All of those things have happened--and in more then one way more then a few times....

School administrators believe it is acceptable to tell the adoptive parents of a special needs former foster child that, "Other parents in your situation would send the child back....."  

The fact is that there IS a percentage of people WE least expect who are Judgmental and Will Show it in Rude and Unbelievable ways.... It is but, another injury parents who do adopt hurt children need to help sooth....

Answer 5

I have had foster kids, many of them have deep emotional problems that most normal couples would have a very hard time dealing with them.  

I have friends who have adopted great kids and I know some that have not.. if you get a good adoption agency and the child is not from some drug mother that the baby is addicted to drugs you might have a good chance of a good one. But make sure the adoption agency is legit.. no back door stuff.

Answer 6

Society seems to feel foster children ("f-kids") are to blame for the neglect or abuse that have been inflicted upon them by their PARENTS. These children come into foster care with problems, some emotional/psychological, some physical, because of the care they didn't receive in the bio-home.

I invite you to read the "A Child Called 'It'" series by Dave Pelzer (A Child Called "It", Lost Boy and A Man Named Dave). You'll get a heart-wrenching (and sometimes, stomach-wrenching) account of the horrors Dave experienced before he was rescued into foster care.

Bless you for even considering adopting a foster child! We need more like you!

Answer 7

We were foster parents and to be honest, we know the range of behaviour problems that come with them, but that is not due to the children but due to poor starts in life with possible abuse, neglect, inconsistency, and multiple placements etc.

We have chosen to adopt from foster care and we know that the first year will be hard, with children testing testing testing to see if we really will stay.  And of course we will!

Answer 8

Wow, news to me that society looks down on adopted children. I'm adopted so I guess I never noticed how society looks down. Now that I think of it, I think higher class societies might look down because it's not true blood. I appluad you and your wife thinking about adopting. That's a great gift that you can bring and give a child a loving home. Giving a child DNA is one thing but giving a child a loving and caring enviroment is so much more rewarding and amasing. I say go for it and when your child finally learns that he/she was adopted I bet they will thank you for being selfless and taking in someone that wasn't your own. So, I want to say thank you for thinking about making this rewarding and awesome decision to adopt. Good luck!!

Answer 9

I think if you adopt--that is awesome.  You get to CHOOSE the child--how great and it gives a deserving child a chance!!  What i think is people are judging the kids by what the biological parents might have been like--assuming the kids were taken away from parents.  Anyway--Good Luck with this venture---and way to go!!!

Answer 10

I was adopted, as I have posted on another one of your questions about adoption.....when I was three months old. I was given, I call it "the golden ticket" and the chance of a lifetime. Forget about what society says....live your life. And adoption is a great thing. You are giving someone that may not have ever had a chance, or at least as good of a chance, than others to succeed, have a family life/environment, it keeps them out of trouble, and enables them to live their dreams. I can speak from experience.....PLEASE DO THIS! Adoption is simply a beautiful thing..........

Answer 11

you have to look at comments like that as given by people who are truly ignorant. Don't let comments like that sway you from adopting a child, either from foster care, or as an infant.  When you SO desire to have another child and can't for whatever yourself adoption is a wonderful choice- you have chosen to CHOOSE a child for your very own, what can be wrong about that? I know today that adoption is getting a bad name, and I cannot understand that- even if there are some bad adoption experiences- believe me, there are some bad experiences in bio families as well.  "one of those kids"- were saved from abortion- and just because they are in foster care, does not mean they should not be loved and cared for , and as a matter of fact- I will pray that you will adopt a foster care- so that you can love them, and then those people who made those snide remarks just may stop and help adoption become a better choice than abortion for women who cannot for whatever reason raise their biological child. God bless, and good luck to you.

Until I came on this site, I never knew adoption was so looked down upon- I am adopted and have 2 adopted children- and it has been very positive for all of us.

Answer 12

We are in the process of adopting through foster care, and there are indeed people who look down on these children. I've heard comments like "you don't know what you'll get" or "the child should feel lucky to have a home". I think these are ridiculous statements. First, you don't know "what you'll get" when you give birth to a child, and second, every child deserves a home and they shouldn't have to feel lucky to have one. Good luck!

Answer 13

Fortunately, as APs, we have not been met with that stigma.  If you choose to expand your family through adoption, GOOD FOR YOU!  All children - regardless of any issues - deserve a loving safe home to grow up in.  That is what my response would be to those who give you a hard time.  Good luck to you.

Answer 14

We are adopting through foster care right now.  We have had the horrible comments and the looks and the rumors.  My children have came home from school and said things that other children and even teachers have said to them or about them and it breaks my heart.  In most cases it isnt the childs fault that they are in care.  They have came from neglect, abuse and worse.  I think adopting from foster care is a wonderful thing.  These children deserve a loving home too.  I tell my kids they are special because God sent them to me.  Our adoptions of the 2 we have right now will be done in 45 days and after that we fully intend to adopt more!!!!  Why go out of the country to adopt when there are plenty of children needing homes right here at home!!!!!

Answer 15

Those comments come from ignorant people who do not understand the concept of extending your love and home to a child in need for the sole motivation of love. Sadly most of these comments are made by those who actually think they're doing you a favor by giving you " fair warning". No matter what you do in life there will always be one person ( I call them the I told you so's) who will discourage you from what you know in your heart is right for you and your family. And at the end of the day you just have to ignore unwelcome advice and chalk it up to the fact that some people are just backwards thinkers. Good luck!

Answer 16

I'm glad you have the support of your family and friends!  I'm sure you've researched adoption thoroughly and are making the choice that is best for your family.  Congratulations!

Speaking as an adoptive parent, there is something about adoption that seems to make people think that personal, rude and judgemental questions are somehow ok.  Like the general accepted standards of politeness don't apply here.  I'm not sure why that is, but I've heard plenty of them.

Also, people like to tell horror stories.  When we told people we were adopting internationally, all of a sudden everyone "knows someone" who adopted from <insert country here> and had all sorts of trouble, lighting the dog on fire, prisoners in their own home, etc etc.  Same thing with pregnancy, suddenly everyone has a  "22 hour labor" story to share.  

Try to let it roll off.  Good luck!

Answer 17

I was adopted at birth, and I can say I have never felt looked down on or anything like that.  I've always felt like a lucky kid.  My parents picked ME.  It was great.  It still is.

People think of drug babies or minorities when they think of foster kids. It's a stereotype, but so what?   "one of those kids" needs love just as much if not more. If you do adopt, keep the kid away from "those people".  

I hope you do adopt.  Good luck.

Answer 18

There has been a stigma on illegitimate children / youth since the 40's when they originally started sealing our records from the public to protect us from the social stigma and shame.

I have a theory it comes from the Old Testiment in the bible that says illegitimate children will be punished for 10 generations for being born out of wedlock.

Answer 19

I just want to wish you both the best of luck to you !

Please ignore small minded people !

Answer 20

Its terrible isnt it. Its like a stereotype and unfortunatly, it never going to go away.

People automatically assume that kids from foster care are going to become serial killers etc. Load of rubbish. Its all media.

Answer 21

I don't look down on foster children. They hold a very special place in my heart. If I could afford to take a million of them into my home I would in a heartbeat.

These are the lost children of society, the children very few seem to care about. They are almost never given a permanent home, they don't get to do regular things that most children get to do so many times. A simple trip to McDonalds becomes a lifetime memory. Foster children lose out on so much. Too often they don't receive things like birthday parties, birthday cake.. nothing.

Foster children are transferred from foster home to foster home with their simple possesions in garbage bags that they have been forced to pack themselves to another scary enviroment where they know noone. They get in trouble for not following the rules simply because noone ever took the time to explain what the rules are. They age out at 18, forced onto the streets to fend for themselves unless their very lucky and someone cares enough to keep them after the cheques stop.

I lived that life,  and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

Answer 22

Probably for the same reason as a child I got picked on and made fun of by other kids and told my parents didn't want me... etc etc etc... and other parents would not let me play with their kids cause I was "That kid from foster care..."

I would imagine they are people grow up to become social workers or something... would explain much.

Answer 23

Those people SUCK.  Adoption ROCKS!  We are AWESOME!