Why does the child always come first?

Question

I have heard women say "my child ALWAYS comes first." One line of reasoning to support this attitude was stated as "husbands come and go and children remain forever." Yeah, ya think there may be a reason the husband isn't sticking around? Children, while needing care and attention, should not ALWAYS come first. The husband and wife are the head of the family. Nourish and maintain that bond, and the rest will fall into place.

My girlfriend says she wants us to marry eventually, and I love her enough to do this. However, I have issue with the "my child always comes first" approach. She has a boy that is almost eleven years old. The two of us can't have any time alone, because he demands her attention every 90 seconds, any time we start speaking to each other. More than once, he has stayed in her bedroom, as late as 1:00 a.m. and constantly demanded her attention. This is not a child that is ignored or abused. She probably spends more time with him, than most parents I know (which I commend).

When I finally confronted her about this and said it was rude and a child should have some boundaries and rules,,,, she replied "my child always comes first and I will not ignore him." Look, I would not want to be with someone that abused or ignored their child.

Yes, children need attention and need to be cared for. This doesn't mean that the child should get his/her every whim placated at the expense of your relationship with your significant other.

So, give me a show of hands. How many of you women out there, feel your husband would stay married to you, if you kicked him out of bed every night because your 15 year old son wanted mommy all to himself?

I wouldn't ask someone to abuse or neglect their child, but there has to be some kind of balance and set of priorities, not a blanket "my child always comes first." Well, not if you want to maintain a healthy, loving relationship with another adult.

Answer 1

I take the whole 'the child comes first' line as more of a 'the child's interests come first'. That includes discipline and boundaries as well. A child with mo boundaries will not do well the older it gets. Part of children coming first and you being the parent means you learn to say no (especially to the staying in the room till 1 am). Tell her you're concerned that he's walking all over her (you don't have to use those words, that was a little harsh) and that it will just get worse as he progresses into his teenage years. Maybe you both could take a parenting class together, tell her you want to be involved so she'll go with you and then bring it up to the instructor during the class, maybe she'll take it better from a professional.

Answer 2

It is true: My child does come before my husband -always has and always will.

I would think that my son will not be coming into my bedroom when he gets to be that age..

No one is having what you are calling "poor comprehension skills" you make it sound like you are jealous of her child. Would you still feel like this if that child had your dna?

I think any woman who would put a man before her kid(s) is worthless.  

Answer 3

It does sound a bit extreme to be perfectly honest. When I say that my kids come first, I mean that I buy them shoes over going out with the girls, or I look at schools before I look at anything else when we move, that sort of thing. My kids get plenty of attention, but they also have to know when me and their (step)dad need time alone or time to talk.

Again, we don't argue in front of them, we take it somewhere else (that's us putting them first, if we have to wait to have an argument then so be it).

There is no way my kids are allowed in our room past 8pm, let alone 11 at night!

I don't know what happened with your GF and her sons father, it might be that there is a deep-seated reason that she's like this, but you should tread carefully. If she prizes her son this highly then any criticism is likely to push a wedge between you guys. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 4

as a woman who has been a single mom since kylie was born in 2005, i know my daughter comes first and when i say that i mean it as in, i don't go out drinking with the girls, i don't smoke, i buy her clothes and diapers before i get my nails done(being the reason my nails look like poo). she gets her breakfast and meals first and when we move next year i will make sure the neighborhood we move to has a nice school, nice parks, little to no crime and plenty of kids to play with.

i am about to get married and he puts kylie first also. we love her to death and cant wait to have ore kids(after the wedding). we will put our children first and such. however kylie knows that mommy and daddy need time to talk and be adults so we out her in the living room with a movie on and we go talk.

Answer 5

Wow i can understand where you both coming from. Maybe their is a reaon she feels like she cant let him down and always has to be there for him. I would be so harsh on her try to figure out whats really going on.

Of course if your in a serious realationship you want some alone time . And probelly would like to sleep in your own bed. No i dont thinki would be married long.

Answer 6

My children come before anyone else, no matter what. But not in the sense you are talking about. I teach my children that they can't get what they want all the time, they have to earn treats and respect my decisions. If my child was begging to play a video game and my spouse was bleeding on the floor, of course my child wouldn't be first priority there. Because it would teach them that they can get whatever they want, whenever they want. My son wants to play a video game but my spouse is bleeding, how is that comparable? It is all about which is more serious, I obviously care about my spouse but my children come first in general.

I'm a Dad and I still feel like this. It doesn't apply to situations where my child is acting spoiled or silly, that isn't how I brought them up. They have boundaries, rules and they know what they can and can't do. My spouse and my children are equal to me in love, but if my wife ever did anything to harm my children then I'd choose them - no question. My children are more important to me than anyone but you have to make the right decisions about whether it's a situation where they come first or not.

Answer 7

God comes 1st

Then my daughter, my daughter's father knows that,and believes the same thing.

Hes my number 3,and I am his number 3.Our relationship is strong,loving,and healthy.

My farther was like you jealous of me when I was born,anyone who is a good parent will always put their children ahead of themselves. If they can't handle that they shouldn't be having children.

Answer 8

i didnt read the whole thing, but in the bible i do recall it says your husband should come first.

there are ways though.

Answer 9

It's pretty obvious that you aren't a father. I can understand your point, but really, you don't get it quite yet. YES, children need boundaries. They need rules, and they need to have respect for privacy. You are absolutely correct.

However, the one thing you are missing is the issue at hand. This boy obviously loves his Mom. Where is his Dad? Unless I missed that part, it seems as though his Mom is all he's got. She most likely is feeling guilty for his lack of father figure, and is trying to compensate. If he does have an active and loving father, then maybe he's still upset that his parents aren't together and trying to hone in on your time.

I don't know what the case is, but as a Mother, there is one thing I can tell you for sure. My son is my FIRST priority. I am happily married, and I know that if it came down to it, my son would be the FIRST I would protect, love, and stand up for. No doubt in my mind.

You asked why do the children always come first. Simply put, they didn't ask to be here. They are a product of our personal choices. We chose to have them, and we chose to be responsible for them. Why would I choose to have a child if I wasn't prepared to make them my priority?

I think you meant well by asking this question, but I think you should reconsider how you phrase it in the future. You obviously haven't had a bond with a child of your own, so you have no right to talk down to those that do. You don't understand it, because you have never had it.

Talk to your girlfriend, with a little more empathy, and try to come to a compromise.

Answer 10

God, my hubby, & then my children . If you put God first it all falls into place. My friend & I were talking about this lastnight. My husband needs to know that he is first as a man. Im not going to neglect my children at all I have a 4 1/2 yr.old little girl & 10 week old baby boy. I love my babies but my husband deserves to have his time with me & i deserve it also. If i sat here & put my children first that would mean no time for my husband  because i would always be giving in to their demands & that means no relationship with my hubby. A man needs that from a woman & im not going to neglect him. children need boundaries, there should be able to be alone time with each parent & child but also family time, & then time for the adults. Your girlfriend has had him for almost 11 years & thats her son, she's been a single mom. Giver her some time its going to be hard for her to break that time up. A child knows how to manipulate even at an early age. You could try going to her & talking about it again but be gentle. Her son also has to share mom, he isn't liking it but will get used to it. Talk to her about setting boundaries for him when yall are together & tell her that you don't want her to ignore her son that, thats not what your asking. she needs to know that you support her as a mom. Maybe before bed she could just spend 30 minutes with her & her son talking or doing whatever & that be their time & you stay out of the picture but when its bedtime its bedtime for him no excuses or staying up that late bc that is ridiculous. If you dont already trying to form a relationship with her son also so maybe he can trust you if he doesn't already.  

Answer 11

the child should come first in many situations but this child is ruleing her life. The child should not interfere in the adult relationship in ways such as staying in the bed till 1am and interupting when speaking.  Children should be taught respect and manners. And for the adult relationship to survive the adults need their alone time so keep their relationship going. Sounds like this boy is jealous of the relationship you have with his mum and she is not doing enough to reassure him and a part of this is by giving him boundries and teaching him that he does not ALWAYS have to be the centre of attention. She is not helping him to learn to cope in the real world where he will not always be able to act the way he is.