Why does the pain of Adoption manifest itself as anger ?

Question

Why are many adoptees angry?

I read in another post that Steve jobs Head of Apple is a very angry adoptee and people leave the room when he walks in

I have a similar impact and feel sure if I was male that would happen to me but instead people feel like they are walking on eggshells around me.

So why do many adoptees show their pain as anger or rather allow their pain to act out as anger ?

Is anger management classes going to cure it ?

Answer 1

Anger management classes have their place.  But, I think we all need to feel heard, understood and loved.  It's not unusual to feel angry over thinks that make us hurt.  I get angry when I'm hurt, too.  Honestly, I think most folks do.  But, when it comes to adoption, non-adoptees aren't going to totally understand the things about that whole process that can make a person hurt.

You're not a freak and there's nothing wrong with you.  You're a human being who has been hurt.  Do you talk to a counselor at all?  It really helped me feel better.  Besides, like Mom5grlz said, they have to listen to you go on for an hour -- that's what they're paid to do ;-)

Glad you have a good hubby.  Mine is a rock, too, so to speak.  After I reunited, I had so many feelings come up and I wanted to push, run, retreat....you know.  But, he stood by me through all of that.  

Also, I really hope I didn't trigger you with that post that included Steve Jobs.  I'm so sorry if it did.

Answer 2

I am not saying that some adoptees experience anger- and it could very well be because of adoption issues- however the more I read on this site, the more I become angry- not because I am adopted, but because of the negativity shown forth toward adoption. It seems to me everything that is wrong in an adoptee's life stems from their adoption.  I have a perfect example that being raised by your bio family does not make you have NO ISSUES- my hubby has been hurt so much in his life, and has depression issues and was not adopted.  PLEASE do not take this as denial that some adoptees do have these issues, and I am very sorry that they do- but why is it that anyone that says they have no problems with being adopted- must be living in denial?

Answer 3

Adopted Jane,

I'm not an adoptee nor can i pretend to know how you feel.

With that being said, as an abusive survivor i had real issues with anger.  It was easier for me to be angry at the world.  If i had to express my sadness and loss that would make me feel vulnerable and that was not me.  I didn't need anybody or anyone.  I was too afraid to be vulnerable.  Still working on it.  Its a lifes work in progress i guess.

My heart hurts for you right now.  I feel that you are in pain.  You have every right to feel the way you do.  All of your feelings are valid.  I am here for you if you ever need to talk email me anytime.  Sending big ((((((((hugs))))))))) your way.

ETA:  I've heard that no one want to hear this too.  I remember driving some of my friends nuts going over the same thing over and over again.  That's when i found a good counselor.  It takes a while to find a good one but its worth it.  I tell my counselor she's my best friend.  I pay her so she has to listen to me b*tch and moan for the whole hour.  And she is under the confidentiality clause so there is no letting my secret out!  Love her.

ETA2:  I spent the first 5yrs of my marriage pushing my husband away.  I was also so friggin lucky that he too loved me heart and soul.  I so get the smoothering thing.  I don't think our relationship is totally healthy b/c since he is the only person i have ever loved and let in to my heart and soul.  Now he is my security blanket and i smoother him to death.  He thinks it cute thankfully but its probably some co-dependant thing.  I have never trusted another person besides him.  If i did i'm sure i'd smoother them too.  Just saying i get those feelings.

Answer 4

I'm not an adoptee. I'm a nmom. I think for me the anger is easier. I can dea lwith the anger. I can deal with people not wanting to be around me because of it.

What I can't deal with is the well of pain so deep that it threatens to swallow me whole every second of everyday. I can't deal with the look in people's eyes when I let them see my pain at all. I can't deal with the hurt so intense it makes my chest tighten. I just can't do it so I change it all to anger. Anger is safer. Anger is livable. Anger keeps me from being hurt again.

IDK I'm probably just rambling and of no help at all but that is why I am so angry. Well that and the whole being brutally victimized thing. (snark snark)

Answer 5

idk but its mean!

Answer 6

OK you are just OCD, you need meds hun... no offense, nuthing wrong with that, I'm a big fan of cymbalta..... this has nuthin to do with being adopted... its just a target for you to shoot at.... do you realize as a mother how HARD it is to let a baby go? why don't you see that it is a greater love to do that? I'd beat the c**p out of any one that tried to get any where near my kid, why? because I'm selfish, because i couldn't deal with the loss, becuse i couldn't deal with the pain, because someone somewhere couldn't give them more bigger better.... well of course some one can, I'm just a mid-western house wife who gets irritated when they spill the kool-aid, but I bet some moms don't... some one loved you enough to let go, and if they don't let you back in, well that a reminder of all they gave away, its handing a winning lottery ticket over to a rich person.... you know how great it is and you gave it away.. you really want them haunting around?/ I wouldn't..... find a good dr. just your general dr get a good script for anxiety and OCD.. be happier.

Answer 7

I don't know a lot about this, but I'm pretty sure that anger management classes aren't going to cure adoption.  Or a lifetime of loss.  Or fear of abandonment.

I just don't see it happening.

I hope you have a place where you can vent your anger appropriately (or inappropriately - venting doesn't really care how appropriate it is, does it?  lol).  And I hope you have other adoptees to share this with.  Just guessing, but I would think it would be a lot more effective than anger management...just knowing it's normal and healthy to be angry.

I have a lot to be angry about, too.  I've found places where I can scream and cry and throw a fit, and no one's going to tell me I shouldn't be grieving, that my anger doesn't make sense, that I should be glad it's not worse.  (ugh!)  I wish the same for you.

ETA:  I suppose I should change my name to NO ONE then.  I purposely choose to spend my waking hours surrounded by angry people (children with behavioral problems, elderly folks who just lost everything they care about, not to mention their independence, their right to make their own choices, their memory, who they are...).  The kids at work tell my husband that "No one loves you"...so again, I guess my name is No one.

There are people in the world who won't tell you to grow up, stop being angry, quit whining, etc.  I hope you find lots of them.

Answer 8

Wow, you poor thing, I feel so badly for you!  I hope you can find somebody or something to help you work through this, it's so unfair that you have to feel that way.

I was adopted when I was a baby, but I never felt angry but I must be different.

Sorry I can't help but I hope you can start feeling better soon!

((((((hugs)))))

Answer 9

My sister-in-law is adopted and while she doesn't think her anger was an adoption related issue but rather a bad time during her marriage she did take Anger Management Group Classes and believes it changed her life completely... She was not willing to medicate her emotions.

She attended weekly for about a year and now goes back to a group every few months....

Answer 10

Hi Jane~

Some adoptees may show their anger in depression, sadness, etc., rather than anger.  Depression is anger turned in (against the self) - or so I've read**.  Anger is EASIER than sadness, in some ways.

I never considered myself an "angry" adoptee.  Though I can tell you that I was getting totally frustrated & fed up with the "adoption is so wonderful and if you don't think so then you're an ungrateful idiot" gang in this forum.  People who refuse to listen to ALL sides. People who refer to adoptees as "unwanted children".  All kinds of stupid things.  I was really beginning to loose my patience & OFTEN.

But that was after I landed here.  BEFORE I landed here, well, I guess I'm so good at stuffing my emotions that I didn't express any anger about adoption (not sure I was really in touch with it). I don't do well expressing anger at all.  

Like Mom5grlz, I'm an abuse survivor (& adoptee - go figure).   I was not allowed to express any anger growing up. No matter what was done TO me; regardless of the angry household I grew up in (screaming, yelling, fighting).  I wasn't even allowed to have my own feelings...but rather, was often told how I felt.  And I am very good at hiding my emotions from people - except those closest to me, like my children or my husband.  They have seen some of my worst emotional struggles.  I have on occasion in my life lost my temper to the point of near rage. For me, very scary. Nor could I express the sadness or loss I felt. Too hard, too raw for me.  Makes me feel far too naked, if you know what I mean.  

Instead of being angry, I turned it in on myself and was depressed - on & off for many years. Still rears it's ugly head from time to time.  But I've gotten better.  

And like Mom5grlz, I didn't need anybody or anything. I've always been too afraid to be vulnerable, or allow myself to "need" another's help or support. Fortunately I can trust my husband and together, we've learned, I've learned (with a little help from a therapist) to let down my guard with him. He's safe. He won't hurt me. He actually wants to help me, protect me, make me feel safe. Which is like, WOW! HUGE for me. (boo hoo-ing as I type that!)  

Anger is often a form of PROTECTION. Anger gives us a feeling of being "in control" - more than feelings of sadness or hurt.  It's easier to push people away than watch them leave.  So, at least for a while, give yourself permission to be angry when you feel it coming on.  And try to recognize that it's your psyche's way of protecting YOU.

When you're angry, or (better) when you start to feel less angry, try to identify exactly WHAT made you feel vulnerable just BEFORE you got angry.  There are probably triggers that you don't yet recognize.  But you can learn.  An event or circumstance or response (from someone else) that makes you feel threatened probably happens just before you loose it.

You say people around you are walking on eggshells. How about you? Are you also walking on eggshells? Waiting for something (bad/fearful) to happen?  Are you hyper-vigilant and not even aware of it?  I ask because I know I have been (a normal response to the abuse).  

At one time in your life, your anger was probably a very necessary coping mechanism.  It may not be an effective tool TODAY.  There may be more effective tools you can use to protect yourself.  

Think of it this way...anger was a NORMAL response to an ABNORMAL situation.  However, that response doesn't work as well in today's environment, or in every situation. Does that make sense?  

A good therapist or counselor can help you develop new tools or skills.  Not ALL counselors or therapists are good...or a good match for you necessarily. Finding a good one for you may take some trial & error.  But you are WORTH IT!

That's one thing a good counselor did for me. Help me find better, more useful tools to use TODAY in my life.  

My heart is with you, also.  You absolutely DO have every right to feel what you feel.  And I too am sending you big {{**hugs**}}.

Answer 11

Anger is one of the stages of grief. People grieve for all kinds of reasons. If you are stuck there for too long consider talking to someone about it.

Answer 12

Good Jane, if it helps it helps and thats whats important.

:)

Answer 13

Its simple psychology you have no love that turns to pain which can cause suicide or if you except this it turns to anger and that isn't just with" adopters" also labeling someone as something can navigate that anger to you

Answer 14

An adoptive child feels many different emotions, but especially uncomfortable ones like sadness and fearfulness.  Sadness because of what he has lost (birth parents, siblings, another "normal" life), fearfulness of what's going to happen to me or is this permanent or will something bad happen to me again.  No one wants to feel this way.  This makes an adoptive child feel vulnerable and weak.  So to try to escape these feelings, he turns his feelings into anger.

Anger is powerful.  It also helps you to forget that you are hurt.  You know how anger feels, and how people will respond to anger.  You no longer feel weak and vulnerable; you feel in control.  

And that is one thing most adoptive people do not have is control.  They didn't control any of the circumstances in their life that made them "adopted."

I don't think anger management classes will cure it.  I think you have to find out the real emotion that you are feeling and deal with the issues you have with that.

Answer 15

My fiance must be the exception to this rule, he is happy he was adopted and love his family, both adoptive and natural, very much.

He often says that, were he not adopted he may not be who he is today and that it made him stronger,  his birth family and him even joke about it at times (he only met his birth family about a year and a half ago).

Answer 16

i've read that adoptees actually have greater affinity (more past life relations) with their adopted parents than their birth parents.  i liked it.  hope it helps you feel less angry.