Why doesn't my Mother inlaw want me to BELIEVE in myself?!!?

Question

Many times after being around her, I'm left w/feeling "not so talented", or smart, or whatever.

It's as if she sort of "bullies" me in different ways.

I did very well when I was in college both academically and in commercial art--which I majored in.

Actually the understudy there told me that I should "consider being an understudy" in the commercial art program. He also mentioned that the professor mentioned the same thing.

Anyway, that was a few yrs. ago now.

Guess my point is, my MIL sort of "beats me down" slightly when it comes to ANY of my abilities. And then when I finally have had enough, I put a lot of effort into each of my talents for "proof" for myself and anybody else. Then she has no choice but to leave me alone.

Why is she LIKE THAT TO ME?!?

I HATE IT!

And what's so weird is she's then so generous during Christmas, birthdays ect.--says nice things about you to all other people. But in front of your face she's .... sort of 'cutting', aloof and slightly cold.

Answer 1

Hey, don't worry about proving yourself, if you achieved nothing or everything at college you are still a unique person that is good enough for your husband to love, and he is who counts, eh?

Would there be any woman good enough in the whole universe for mother-in-law's son, I doubt it.

Just wait, in time you will get older and more in control, while she will become more frail and vulnerable.

Of course your daughter in law will be asking the same question in thirty year's time.

Answer 2

This is a very common problem.  Based on what you've said it sounds like she disapproves.  Sometimes there's nothing you can do about this.  The most effective way of countering this is to not just *act* but to *be* confident around the MIL.  Assert yourself strongly and she won't have the opportunity to belittle you.  You could let the spouse know how you feel too.  It's important he support you fully, even at the expense of angering his mother.  She doesn't have to like you, but as her son's spouse you at the very least deserve respect.

Answer 3

There are some people who'se energies are really negative and when we are around these people "we"are compelled to lose our self esteem. I am sure that this woman has behaved imperious and negative her whole life. Also lets not forget that older women had fewer opportunities then women/men today so I think they tend to be more judgemental and critical, I personally think its jealousy!!. Its really no good trying to talk to these type of personalities because they will deny your thoughts and views and behave more outragiously which will get them sympathy and pity and you my friend will look like a nasty person picking on harmless old ladies!!. Trust me I have met many of "these"type of personalities and they have the uncanny ability of making your complaint or hurt feelings their outraged denial and it gets turned back on you. Its no longer about "their" behaviour and how you feel but becomes about them!!

Yes I agree you would do best to stay away from her and live your own life, be polite to the point of rudeness (and beyond fault) give presents as graciously to her as she gives them to you (gift vouchers and gift cards are good) and basically ignore her subtle attempts to undermine your confidence. After all its only one little old lady so ognore her. I would not confront her because she will passionately and with firm resolve deny your feelings and then you may feel angry and say something nasty and she will jump on it and bleed it for all its worth, reinforcing to all who will listen and chasing those who won't that she thought you were such a nice person and that she is so upset. Dont worry about her and yes you have answered your own question stay away because confronting this type of personality is fruitless and you ill get people off side. PS when she makes cutting remarks about your art say comments like " Oh really do you think so, how would you do it? or " I see well I appreciate your comments , how would you go about it? Put the onus back on her and make her think but do it politely dont bite or get defencive these type of personalitoes love that!!.

Answer 4

Well staying away forever isn't going to solve the problem though. You need to confront her and tell her that she's pressuring you.  And tell her that you can manage on your own behalf with out her interfering.

My dad is like that with me as well. I've always wanted to confront him but I don't have the courage too, that and I'd probably be homeless by now.. if I did.

I still haven't confronted him and now I'm living a life with filled with horrible lies. I pretend everything is fine but its not.

The only thing I can tell you is too look forward and  stay positive there will be a day when she'll finally recognize you as someone who is truly succeesful.

Best wishes!

Answer 5

Sounds to me like she is jealous. Don't let it get to you, its her problem, not yours.