Why doesn't my wife want to make time for us?

Question

I've been married for almost 6 years. Have two daughters 6/4. The last 2 1/2 yrs wife was going to school for masters. She graduated in May. She started a new job in july. All this time I have tried to get her to be romantic with me. Most of the time all i get is that she is to tired. I give her back rubs frequently with no return. I make dinner ever night and do all of the dishes. I do the yard work and what ever else needs to be done. I also work full time as a gardner.she goes to sleep about 1 1/2 hours before I do and gets up about an hour after I do. When she gets home from work the girls are clinging to her and wanting her attention. Ussualy I get a kiss hello then it is time on with the kids or herself. When she has some free time she is on the computer checking e-mail and shopping for clothes for her new career ar the girls. When I ask her about our relationship she says she is fine with it and that she has other interests that occupy her mind besides being romantic or intimate with me. This makes me feel very sad and I clam up. "Who kicked your puppy?" is what i get asked when i feel sad from her lack of interest in me. When I do tell her she tells me it is just in my head. What do I do? I Love her and sometimes I can tell that she loves me. I just feel like I am on the bottom of her list of things to do. Is there any hope for us? Please help me.

Answer 1

I'm in the same situation, but still worst since I lost my job 4 months ago.

I believe husband and wife have specific roles into the marriage, as God planned it. When those roles are misplaced by work and others selfish interests, the result is a malfunction in the relationship.

Today's woman symply don't want to asume her role.

Answer 2

Wow. You are a fantastic man who obviously wants his wife back. I am a troubled on what to do though. Since she checks her e-mails often, maybe you could send her an e-mail from you telling her how you really feel or write her a letter and send it in the mail. Maybe some flowers sent to work could surprise her and let her know that you're still there! You sound like a loving hard-working man, and they're aren't many men like you left in the world, so she's lucky! You could show her this Question and Answer or simply just sit her down and talk, after the kids have gone to bed. I understand you want to stay with her because you love her and for the girls sake, and I feel for you and hope everything works out.

If not, e-mail me again with the situation and maybe I could help again...

Good Luck!

Britt.A.Knee

Answer 3

either she's cheating on you or she needs a vacation because she is working and tired

Answer 4

I honestly don’t have an answer for you, but I think it would be wise to see a marriage counselor. They are trained to help couples just like you talk out the issues they are having.  I also think it would not be a bad idea for you two to take some time to yourself. Like a weekend vacation, leave the kids with the grandparents, and just spend that time together. This would allow you two to reconnect and get back on the same page. Hope this helps!! Good Luck!!

Answer 5

Kristina B nailed it. You've fallen into a rut of who is the giver and who is the taker.

She's got TON of work, but family comes first. You need to talk to someone-therapist or whomever-that is unbiased and can help you get it back together. Maybe you need to see one alone first.

There's *always* hope. :) I've been married 28 years. Marriage is hard work, but less so if you're on the same page. We saw a therapist, and it saved us. Good luck.

Answer 6

I am sorry for this. I am not an specialist but I would suggest you tell her your feelings. If she says she does not have time to talk then try a letter. Write about all your feelings, starting from the negative ones (such as anger, frustration, sadness, etc) and ending with the positive ones (hope, gratitude, love, etc.). I was taught this by a friend who is a psychologist, and he called it a love letter. Anyway, whatever method you decide to use she needs to know how you feel and if she opens up then you'll know from what point to start fixing the relationship, maybe she is going through things you completely ignore. Don't give up. I hope the best for you.

Answer 7

Are you sure your making it clear how much this is bothering you? It sounds like a big issue that really needs to be discussed. Be persistent, make sure she realizes that you feel neglected. Talk it out. Consider going to marriage counseling if you need help getting your feelings out in the open. Its very possible that she just has alot on her plate. I certainly understand how hard it can be to remain attentive and appreciative to a lover when you have a million and one things on your mind. Its also possible that there is an underlying problem that the two of you need to work through. There is really no way for us to know which it is if you cant communicate with her. Perhaps you should try doing something out of the ordinary, a little bit of romance can often remind a woman just how good she has it. Pick an off day and hire a babysitter, go see a movie or have dinner.. h**l rent a room if you have to.. just get out of the house and try to enjoy each other. If you get your girl away from her day to day worries she might respond to you more. I cant know but I believe that there is hope for the two of you.. as long as you put an effort into it and remember that communication is the key to a successful marriage. I hope everything works out for the best with the two of you. Good luck.

                                                                                    ~ Ren

Answer 8

She has forgotten that she has to be with you.  Sad but it happens a lot, women take their men for granted (not all but some do, I am not generalizing!)

I would say therapy as this can only end badly, your telling her there is a problem and she is not doing anything to try and resolve it, make her aware its a problem that needs to be fixed if the relationship is to work.

Good luck.

Answer 9

well it seems like you've been working to hard instead of her not having time for you it seems like it should be the other way around.or maybe you both need a vacation alone to see what happens and if it doesn't work well she's maybe cheating on you sorry to say that but you say she goes to college or school there maybe guys that she's starting to like i think u should let her do what she wants and then spy...

Answer 10

she is educated- educated people¨´s mind is more complex. also she probably doesn´t have any respect for u now. man always should be smarter and better

Answer 11

wow, that's a load to deal with sweetie.  I'm so sorry coz I'm feeling your pain thru your words.  I can only say that I'd be proud of you if you were my husband and doing all you say you've been doing.  I know that doesn't answer your question but I just wanted to say you are obviously doing all that is expected and then some.  If there is any way you two could get away for a weekend.  Bring out the wedding album or reminisce about what the two of you had hopes for in the beginning as an effort to refocus her eyes on you and your marriage.  Maybe you could try slipping small "love you" notes here and there throughout the home and her brief case or purse.  Slip in some pictures that you love of here and write love notes on the back.  I'd give you a big hug and a A for effort if I were there.  Know that you don't deserve to be ignored but also know that she may be having some emotional problem that she hasn't found the words to explain.  Gosh!  I hope it works out hon!  I really do.  

Answer 12

This type of relationships are hard to maintain by one side only.

You can start by being more proactive and less dependant of her.

Proactive by stopping being too nice, she thinks you are totally to her feet, which is right.  Start also to make a friend network, so your mood won't swing too much because you expect her to be with you.

In the extreme, look for someone that really wants or likes to be with you.  She might be pragmatic, cold or practical.  Maybe your expectations were different from what she is/was and you think she should change.

Answer 13

Guy you need to take back the Castle. What I would do, and keep it a secret from her and that is arrange a Saturday night out with her. Take the kids over to the grandparents in the afternoon and set up reservations at a nice restaurant and make reservations at a nice hotel. Do this not in your town,make it in the next city over but make it where you can really enjoy time with her till the next day when you can come back Sunday Night. You need to tell her a white lie by saying to her that there is going to be a  functional dinner meeting with your Co. and wife's are invited or something to get her out of the house with out her knowing that she is going to be away for that 1 night and 1 day Sunday. You will also have to pack for her ahead of time so be prepared of getting things together. Try that, because it seems that she has not been able to have a vacation with you since she graduated. Good Luck and I wish you the best.  

Answer 14

I figured out something for myself. A liar will lie, a cheater will cheat, a selfish person will self serve. You could be prince charming, you could be perfect. You are with someone who doesn't want to change yet, therefore she wont change yet. It's just a matter of toughing this out, for better or for worse. Maybe it's time to do something for you. You teach people how to treat you, and you have taught her that you will spoil her, even if it means she will be spoiled. Stop spoiling her and have some good clean fun, and maybe she'll look up from her book and get curious about you.

You are not alone in this situation, believe me. It's all too common. You'd think that giving all your love and attention and devotion to someone would make them want to commit to doing the same for you, to make sure it stays that good, eh?

Answer 15

"women   always have a load on there shoulders, and if you are feeling like shes not in love with you,  well  thats just being   paronoid and, give  her some space maybe she'll relies in time that all the neglect shes done well come  back to her conscienous and then shell   be able       attened your needs, women need    there space also, just like guys do."

good luck.

Answer 16

Maybe you are giving her the things that YOU want her to have, but those aren't the things SHE needs from you.  I strongly suggest listening to the CD's on "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  Some people feel loved when others do acts of service for them, others feel loved when their spouse compliments them, some feel loved when their spouse spends quality time with them, others feel loved when they receive gifts from their spouse, and then there are those who feel loved when they receive physical contact from their spouse.  Listening to this set of CD's will help you discover what your own love language is, as well as that of your wife and daughters.  Then, if you really want to make THEM feel loved, speak THEIR love language--and they WILL respond!  My own personal love language is "acts of service" and when my hubby or kids do acts of service for me, I feel SO LOVED by them and it makes me want to do things to make them feel loved, as well!  This set of CD's had been recommended to me by a friend, and I found them at our local library!  

Answer 17

I am a woman. I had experienced of being so busy that I don't even have time to answer phone. Women are physically weaker than man. If she is that mentally and physically busy I don't think she will even give you a kiss. Your question of her being in love with you..it is only who can answer that. I as a woman who is so busy meeting both ends meet.. is sure of my goal and knows to whom I belong and my loyalty lies. and i told my partner that.

Answer 18

She is very selfish. Ask her if there's another man around her. This needs to be fixed asap or it won't look good. Take her on a nice vacation in Hawaii without the kids.

Answer 19

Give her sometime. For someone who just started to work it can be very confusing sometime not to mention that she might be lost.

Stop making dinner or other things just to please ( what is the point if she does not even notice your efforts)

she also has things like cooking and cleaning that she should be doing to help you out too.  

Answer 20

she's selfish and full of herself, stop being so good, put your foot down,

the nicer you are and the more you put up with the more she will get bored with you and you know what that eventually means-

Answer 21

I would E-mail her this and maybe she will wake up to how you are truly feeling.  If not then either you have a long life of no intamcy and affection.  See if she will get counseling if after reading this things do not get better.

Answer 22

Wow, I just hope she's not cheating on you.  That was my first impressio.  Nevertheless, I would get a detective.  Best of luck.

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