Why don't I feel close to my birthmom?

Question

Last year my Mom suggested me to find my birthmom, so that I knew about my past and medical history, my parents also thought it would be good for me to ask questions and see where I came from. I thought it was cool and we found my birthmom (she doesn't know where my birthdad is) but I don't really like her? It's weird, like she's not a bad person but theres just something that we don't click together. But shouldn't there be something? It's weird because I never missed her or anything like I know some adopted people do. Is there something wrong with me or do other people feel like this too?

Answer 1

I'm not adopted, but I would imagine it would take time for you two to get close. Just give the relationship time to grow :)

Answer 2

It's not weird at all. She may be the one who gave birth to you but your parents now are the ones who raised you. Even though they are not your biological parents, they are your REAL parents. The people who loved you and took care of you and wanted to make sure you lived a healthy happy life are the ones you are going to feel a connection with. Your birth mother is nothing more than a stranger that shares your DNA. My mother was adopted, and she truly feels that her adopted parents are her real parents in every way. You shouldn't feel bad or wrong or weird for feeling the way you do.

Answer 3

There is a wide range of reunion experience.  Some become extremely close, others don't find anything in common.  Blood (or DNA) may be thicker than water - but it doesn't guarantee a happily-ever-after reunion.  Some reunions have a honeymoon period followed by reality.

Adoptees can be close to both sets of parents, neither set of parents, one rather than the other (either birth or adoptive), their mother(s) or their father(s).

The difference for adoptees is in the expectations - whether they are conscious of it or not - they have built several versions of the "fantasy" birth mom and when she finally appears in real life, they may be disappointed that she is quite ordinary.

Answer 4

datz natural, well cause you both have been separated for a long long time. you will need to restart knowing her all over again, spend time with her .

but dont forget your fostert parents ( be fair to them too )

u r lucky to have an understanding foster parents. i too soon would adopt a baby. mayb we can stay in touch , so you can help/teach me how do i take care of adopt baby.

Answer 5

sorry but i wouldnt like her if she left me

sorry

Answer 6

Mimi,

you're not wierd; in fact, you're pretty darn normal!!!!  there's not always that bond that you see on Maury and other 'feel good' shows.  It just doesn't always happen.  

You're not required to like or even love her no more than you are the cashier at your local supermarket.  Your bmom is still somewhat a stranger and if you're not comfortable with the relationship than break the contact.  

People think that we, as adoptees, are just supposed to run across a meadow into our bmom's arms crying and yelling I love You from the rooftops but let's face it, it just doesn't always happen.  

Every reunion and relationship is different and unique.  Do not think you are REQUIRED to LOVE/LIKE her just because others think you should.  You don't have the feelings, that's it, it's over.  You're not in an arranged marriage or anything like that.

Don't worry about it -- you're normal!!  Honest!

Answer 7

No, there's nothing wrong with you.  Remember, she may be your birth "mother" but you have basically lived your entire life without ever knowing her, so she's pretty much a stranger to you.

Some adoptees find that their bio-relatives have nothing in common; others find that they "click" quite well.  Whatever works for you is perfectly fine and normal.  Don't try to force something that isn't there, for the sake of others, if it's going to make you miserable!

Answer 8

I am adopted too.  Trust me there is nothing wrong with you!  I have absolutely no desire to ever meet my birth parents.  My adoptive parents have been there for me and that's all the matters to me.  I have never missed my birth parents at all.  I don't feel angry, but  I know I would never want them to be a part of my life.  I think it would be hard on my parents.  I wouldn't feel bad that you didn't feel something there.  I can't explain it, but I know if I met them I wouldn't either.  The decision was made a long time ago to live your lives apart.  There is no way (well maybe for some) to come right smack dab in the middle of your life and then there be something.  I hope everything turns out ok for you.  I think it's cool that you know your medical history.  That is something I wish I had and it would be nice for when I decide to have kids.  Good Luck!

Answer 9

No it's not wierd nor is not normal to not have feelings for her, it wasn't your choice to seek her out ... had it been than maybe you'd feel different .. to me it sounds like your mom (adoptive mom) did all the right things for you to make your grieving from your initial loss better.

To be honest ... I'm adopted by my dad and really love him, but as for my mom .. I don't really care for the person she is .. but she is my mom.

I think your fine .. you've met her and now you can move on.  Best wishes

Answer 10

Not everybody is going to click with their bioparents or biofamily. You are not wrong for how you feel. I don’t miss my birthmother/bloodkin. I never yearned for these people are made up wild fantasies about life with them or what they may have looked like. I never had a diffcult time on my birthday or other hoildays like some adoptees have/do. I know they are my genetic “parents” but that’s all they are too me they provided me with my genetic make up. These people are strangers to me and they are no more family then some Joe Blow I pass on the street.  I don’t have anger towards them, I am gratefully to birthmother that she opt to have me and that she did not reclaim me when she apparently  thought of doing so because she could not provide a good life for me. How could she when she could barely care for herself.



Everyone’s feelings are their own and there really are no wrong or right feelings. Someone feelings is right to them. Who knows why some people feel one way and others another, even more if they came from similar situations. In the end we are all our own person and have our own feelings.

Answer 11

The funny thing about being adopted is just about everyone has an opinion on how you are "supposed" to feel.  What's worse, is they come up with ways of expressing how they think you should feel that aren't always very attractive.  For example, I don't like when someone calls another person a sperm- , egg-, DNA- donor.  I find it to be rude and dismissive.  

At any rate, you feel how you feel.  She's an okay person, but we don't click with everyone, even blood relatives and even relatives with whom we've grown up, adopted or blood.  Everyone experiences adoption and relationships within adoption differently, because we're all made differently.

These are your feelings.  This is your experience.  Don't let anyone tell you show you should feel or tell you what your experience should be.  There is nothing wrong with how you feel.  

Just be you and let things play out as is comfortable for you.

Answer 12

There is nothing wrong with you at all.. adoptees feel a wide range of feelings from hate to love to dislike to like to *nothingness*

Not everyone gels with their biological siblings either it doesnt make them weird (as in people non adopted)

Regarding this

Quote "Your birth mother is nothing more than a stranger that shares your DNA."Unquote

Sorry she is a bit more than that and its very naive of you to think otherwise

Answer 13

there is nothing wrong with you, mimi:)  i never liked my mother either when i met her.  we seemed nothing alike on so many subjects.

i still don't like her, nut i never regretted finding her.  i needed to.  i'm glad i did it for the closure.  but i'm not sure if i feel 100% 'closed' about it.

your feelings are yours, and they can never be wrong!

Answer 14

There is nothing wrong with you at all. Everyone is different and feels differently about their birth parents. You also have to remember that although she is your birth mother that is all she is. She gave birth to you and that is all. It is perfectly natural not to feel a connection as she never raised you. At least you have filled that mystery and know who she is and about your past and medical history. Some us are yet to get to that stage or may never will. God bless.  :)

Answer 15

No there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. She gave you life and you should be thankful and it will be nice to know some of your family genes and stuff, but she shouldn't feel like your mom becuase your mom is your mom right

Answer 16

I felt the same way. She was a stranger to me.

There is a difference between: an Attachment and  a Bond.

"the term attachment describes enduring relationships that are formed over time and experience, almost always by members of a family. Losing an attachment figure implies a lengthy and painful grief process.  Bonds, are close relationships which tend to be formed with teachers, friends, and others who have shared experiences and emotions."

"Like wise if you are adopted at a very early stage you may have formed a secure attachment with your adoptive parents. Adopted children may also  feel a bond with their birth parents, although they may never have formed an attachment with them.  Their shared biologic and emotional connections with birth parents creates a bond.

You will always have and attachment to your birth mother, but you do not have a bond with her. Or visa versa. Each experience has too many determining factors to generalize.

So what that means to you is allow yourself to feel what you feel and know that it is okay.

Answer 17

remember that we are all individual people and so we can't know who we like until we meet them even people who are brought up in their own biological families do not necessarily like their parents or their siblings it is completely up to the individual how they feel

Answer 18

I don't think there is something wrong with you. You haven't bonded with your birth mother in a way that you have bonded with your parents which suggests to me that you are satisfied with your family as it is. If you want her in your life, then you can develop a relationship with her as time goes on.  It might help you to talk to her, and it might also help her. I'm sure that she had a good reason for doing what she did. I know that it hurts to give up a child. Maybe bring some closure to the past and possibly open new doors if you choose. It is entirely up to you.

Answer 19

dont be worry...its normal and not weird..in our life we use to be close to someone who is beside we all d time..but sometimes the feeling of missing something or someone that we dun exactly know what which make us confuse, actually is telling us dat someone or sumthg is missing us too..welll human instinct is very powerfull n sensitive...dats why God create us to love and be love..all d best

Answer 20

i am not adopted

but that seems pretty natural

she didnt raise u

she may be ur birthmother but she is still a pretty perfect stranger right

she has the same blood as u

but the title of mom and dad go to the people who raise u

Answer 21

I think we're all different and its important to just allow yourself to feel however you feel without feeling like we should feel different. I don't know why you don't feel a connection, some people don't.

Is it just the way it is? is it anger? resentment? I know that I sometimes push my mom away yet in the inside, i really just want to be close to her. I have the constant need to protect myself from abandonment sometimes its even beyond my control. Like I can sit there literally thinking "no don't go" and I'll be saying "please leave."

But  maybe you're not like me, you have your own feelings and own experience. Maybe you just don't "click." Even non adopted people sometimes don't "click" with their mothers.

Who knows.

I do think its very cool that your parents were so supportive and helped  you search etc. My search was a secret.

What ever your feelings, be confident with them, they're yours and even if nobody else felt that way, it'd still be the right way for you to feel.  Theres nothing wrong with you.

Answer 22

I might take a while.

You have both suffered quite a bit.

Or you could just let it go...

Answer 23

Hi Mimi~

Oh my gosh...I can SO relate to your experience! I lived with my mom for the first 18 months of my life. I was later placed in foster care (she didn't make much $$, no social aide back then) and eventually adopted at 3.  

I not only expected to find someone I looked like and felt a connection with, but someone that I might have a distant memory of.  When we first me, I felt no connection at all.  Pictures of me in the 3rd grade looked like a picture of her at 16.  Other than that, we really looked nothing alike. We didn't have much in common. On the other hand, she had memories of me. I was her long lost baby all grown up. I admit, I was disappointed and a little sad.

And I honestly believed I'd cleared my head of any unrealistic expectations before I sent the first letter beginning my search!   No matter how hard we try to be 'clear', we are human. We have expectations, dreams, wishes.  That's OK! Don't let the disappointment stop you from getting to know her.

Over time, my mom & I got to know each other. She was sensitive, kind hearted, caring, thoughtful. We'd visit with each other, talk on the phone, write letters. Fortunately, I had 13 years to get to know her and we developed a relationship.  

I found & met my birth father 3 years after I met my mom. I looked just like him and we share many similarities in personality, temperament, intelligence.  I found out where I got my height, etc.  I'm a daddy's girl and take after my (a.) dad (also).  

It took a while to get my head around the whole nature vs. nurture - who am I? Who do I take after? Eventually I realized I'm a blend of my birth parents & adoptive family.  

The bottom line is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!  For many people it takes time to build a relationship.  So, give it time. Go at whatever pace feels comfortable for you. Don't try to rush it, or put pressure on yourself  to force a relationship. Consider staying in touch by e-mail or letters or cards.

My (b) mom passed away 10 years ago. I can tell you I really miss her. I wish I'd had more time to get to know her. I wish I'd been ready to be more open to her. I'm grateful for the time we had together.

And most of all, I'm so happy I got to know that she loved me, that she wanted me, why she gave me the name I have, and other family stories.  I miss her.  Just like you, I didn't really feel we "clicked" when we first met.  But I miss her.  

Good luck, my friend.

ETA: Why do people feel the need to say "but your parents now are the ones who raised you"?  As if we don't know who our own parents are!  Geez! Ya'all can be so annoying!

FYI...I had no curiosity or desire to find while growing up. Not until I was about 20. My a.parents supported & encouraged me in my search & gave me the information to get started.