Why don't my children listen when their dad is not home?

Question

I have two stepsons (4 and 7) they do not listen to a word i say when they are home with me alone but as soon as their dad comes home they are angels for him. When their father is away for work they make my life h**l..... it's gotten worse for me because i am 7 1/2 months pregnant and although the youngest seems happy about the baby the eldest has not expressed any emotion. My husband has full and legal custody and they only get to visit the mom and grandmother once in a while (they don't even call to see the kids). Does anyone have any advice? I have tried it all. I love my husband and my stepsons but i feel its real unhealthy for me and that the behavior will only escalate with age.

Answer 1

They need to see that you and your husband are a combined force.  I would say have a family conversation where dad says something along the lines of "I know that you aren't minding your step mom when I'm not here and that really disappoints me.  I think you're being disrespectful and I need you to start respecting her or you'll be losing privileges." Adjust that for age with the four year old of course.

Then the next day when he gets home, his first question should be "how were you today, did you mind your step mom?" to the boys.  He needs to take your word over theirs.  If you say they were bad, it shouldn't matter what they say.  If they were bad, they lose one privilege (like video games or TV or a special snack or toy) if they were bad and try to lie, they lose two, and they can only have it back when they've been good for a day.  You will need your husband's full support, but that's what I would do.  If they see you as a united front, they will behave the same way for you as they do for him  because it will mean the same consequences either way.

Answer 2

1.  you have to take responsibility, you can't blame a 4 and 7 year old.  you can't blame dad because he is not there.  you need to get busy improving your parenting skills.  i recommend:

STEP: systematic training for effective parenting

join step parenting groups

maybe get therapy

study marshall rosenberg's nonviolent communication

your life will get harder with a baby coming.

you need to take action to change yourself and improve your parenting skills now.  you can't expect older kids to 'love' your baby.

Answer 3

You probably need to be more structure. Punishment.

Give them rules limitations and boundaries.

If they cross the boundaries. Go past limitations. break the rules. give them their punishment.

You need to give them a talk if you do this this happens. Its called consequences.

Answer 4

It sounds like unfortunately they don't respect you. Maybe family counseling would help? Good luck

Answer 5

Maybe your not strict enough

Answer 6

cuz maybe they are not use to u im like that to my step dad his not my real dad but i think that at that young of an age they should respect u

Answer 7

they think you probably are an easy target. you need to give them DISIPLINE!!! TRUST ME! my friend's mom went through that.

Answer 8

not a parent but my advice to you is to be an A.S.S hole once in a while and dont give into them ... they are under 10 years of age who cares what they think... if you hit them and your husband says something then tell him whats up

Answer 9

because you aren't their mom and they know it.   To them you are a part of the problem, not a part of the solution.  

They look at you and wonder why they have to share their dad with you ... and now with a new baby too?  

I suggest some serious family counselling

Answer 10

Does your husband support you when you discipline them?Do you do what you say you are going to do?  When you say listen,  What are you telling them!

Answer 11

I think your husband needs to step in and talk to his boys about this.  He needs to explain to them that they must listen and obey you, while he's at work and at home.  

He should probably explain to them as well that he expects a full report from you when he gets home from work and that any disobedience from them will have consequences.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 12

its just because male dominance is more felt than a womans so let them knoe your there and they will start behaving.

Answer 13

they are just pushing you , to see how far you will go.You need to set a camera somewhere secret so your hubby can see just how they treat you, and maybe he will change their attitudes

Answer 14

Children tend to think men are more aggresive. You just have to show them whos boss. Put them in time out. Tell your husband and have a family talk. Don't let it just keep happening. Do something about it. You dont want your stepsons to treat all women adults like that. A family talk would be best. DO NOT PUT THEM IN FAMILY THERAPY. They should not have to depend on someone else to solve their problelms. I had the same problem. Hope I helped!

Answer 15

Well, first of all since your the step mother, you will never really gain as much respect as their biological mother (sadly). They are taking advantage of you because they know you will give in and let them. They are angels for their dad because they know dad will come down hard on them. I'm not saying to be abusive, just show them who's boss in a no-kidding-around sort of way.

Answer 16

It will get better with time, but right now you are the woman that replaced their mother (in their eyes anyway.)

They don't respect you and are most likely trying to "scare" you away.   It's hard to believe that even a four year old can act in such a manner, but it happens.

I am also divorced, but your situation and mine are reversed.  One of my two daughters did not want to give my new husband the time of day.  She was also angry with me for leaving their father.  She took her inability to right a wrong out on my new husband.  

What he did was show her unconditional love, but would not bend when it came to the rules.  She respects and loves him now, and all the issues we had when we first were married have gone away.

When they show you disrespect, they must be punished.  I'm not talking about spanking or anything violent.  But, would you let them treat any other adult the way they treat you?  So, treat it as if they were being disrespectful to any other adult, and punish accordingly.  Once they understand that they must obey the rules, they'll show you the respect you deserve.

Answer 17

they don't listen to you becuase they don't respect you, but they listen when thier dad is at home becuase they want him to think they are the sweetest things ever

Answer 18

talk to dad and tell him what's going on and tell him that you need him to put the smack down on the kiddies or you're so outta there