Why don't other people who were adopted understand how some adoptees feel?

Question

I've read lots of posts here about the negative feelings some adoptees have, and that's cool, I understand where other people are coming from.

But I (as an adopted person) am happy with my life and my parents, and I've never felt a void or empty or anything. But if you say that people say you are in denial or something.

How is it so hard for people to understand that I obviously had a different experience to theirs, and I don't feel distant from my parents and family (adopted ones)?

Everyone says "Have your own feelings and your own truth, it's your life and your reality".

But then they tell you you're wrong if you don't feel at least a little bit angry or upset over being adopted.

It's like being an adoptee who is truly happy and at peace is considered 'wrong' by certain people.

Why are some people like that?

Answer 1

I don't think they mean to be condescending. I think most of us can be faulted sometimes for projecting our own prejudices onto others, without meaning to.

Remember, some of the people who make these accusations might have gone through periods of denial themselves, and are mainly concerned that you 'benefit' from their experience.

Maybe just let them talk about what they feel and why and commiserate with them -- it helps people to know you realise you've been luckier than they have.

Answer 2

I don't know why some people are like that. I suppose they might see the glass of their life as half empty instead of half full. Maybe they are dwelling on the negative - my parents didn't want me - instead of the positive - I was chosen to be a part of this family. Creating a baby and giving birth doesn't make you a mom or dad - a mother or father, sure, but the  titles of mom and dad are special for people who love, nurture, raise, care for and provide for their children - adopted or "natural". My 17 year old brother in law was adopted. It took almost 4 years for it to go through. He has no desire to find his birth parents, doesn't feel any kind of gap or distance, emptiness... His parents (adopted) gave him two brothers, a sister, grandparents, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles... he's a very happy and well adjusted kid. I don't believe he's in denial of any kind. And I don't believe he's angry or upset in any way about being adopted. We all love him very much and have since he was just 2 months old. I'm glad that you are very happy and at peace with your adoption. Your parents must be very proud. God bless :o)

Answer 3

some people just arent open minded enought to see that everyone sees life differently. its ok to be angry or confused. but its also great to be happy with your life. just think of it this way... your parents didnt just get a baby... they picked you so that makes you that much more loved

Answer 4

I am happy you feel this way and have posted your question.  After reading a lot of the posts on here I have been wondering if my husband and i did the right thing when we adopted our son.  He was 6 at the time and is now 13.  My husband and I would die for this child.  We love him with all our hearts.  I read how angry people are and it is so sad.....Good luck and take care

Answer 5

Sasha, I had a very happy upbringing and very wonderful adoptive family, yet I have very great misgivings about the adoption industry and the way women are coerced out of their babies.  I was one of those unnecessary adoptions, my natural mother wanted me very much.

But, I certainly don't go around telling "happy" adoptees that they are wrong to be happy, at least that is certainly not my intention.  My main goal is to educate on the shady practices in adoption and the damage that it does to *some* adoptees.

But you are certainly entitled to your own opinion.

I just wonder, though, if you are so happy with being adopted, then why do a few unhappy adoptees bother you so much?  Perhaps you need to do a little deep self reflection to find out why...

Just a thought.  

Peace.

Answer 6

As an adoptee myself maybe I can explain why some adoptees think your full of @#$%.

This is all going to depend on how you were raised, where you were raised. Along with the fact if your a different ethinicty as your parents? And how old you were when you were adopted.

I grew up in Mankato,MN (in the 80's) where they thought it was cool to call me a **** and chinck and everything else until I was in high school. Living in the midwest amongst a population of all white people who are basically all hicks and very narrow minded makes you start hating a lot of things. Also it was made very clear to me that I was not white and that I was very different in every way and shape.

My parents tried there best to say that the color of my skin didn't matter and that they loved me anyways for who I was. However, when I would ask for them to help me with my heritage because I was interested in where I came from they became very offended like I was intentionally trying to hurt them. And the more I went out on my own to find out about my heritage the more my parents started to get offended and the more we fought and started having problems. This is where the void and hatred started to play. But once I graduted high school and started college and had my own child I forgave my parents for the way they acted. Beacuse as a parent myself I can see why my parents might of felt threatened when I started to research my heritage. I know my parents wanted me as a part of there family but I don't think they prepared themself for the fact that I as I grew older that I would be interested in my own heritage and where I came from and because they couldn't grasp this idea they took it as if I was trying to rebel against them.

Personally it sounds like most of these adoptees that you've talked to are immature and need to learn how to grow up and find some kind of closure and be thankful for the parents that adopted them.

Because anybody can make a child but it takes special people to raise a child that is not of there blood and love them unconditionally.