Why have I become so emotionally DETACHED?

Question

I'm 25 y/o, SINGLE, no children and I work full time. I've gone to college and now I'm just bidding time until the next big life opportunity presents itself. My dilemma is: I feel like the more men I meet, date and or sleep with---I have an extremely hard time connecting emotionally. I'm almost TURNED off by any form of immense affection or confessions. What makes this weird is---those are exactly the types of men I keep attracting (emotionally unavailble) yet, I long to be in love and love someone. I barely like most guys I sleep with or date. There is never any real FIREWORKS or chemistry. I'm starting to think it's me. I also feel like, something about me TURNS men off from wanting to open up to me emotionally. I can be very mushy, highly sensitive---but only on matters Im passionate about or hurt by. Usually I am crude, tactless but have a humerous nonchalant personality that attracts people to me. But when it comes to just genuine affection and gaging my feelings---I'm retarded. How can I grow to be more emotionally healthy so that I don't run men away?

Also---I have been raped in the past, had a promiscous history and have a detached emotional relationship with my father, though I grew up with him in the same house.

Answer 1

I think you have learned to be that way. I'm not a psychologist or therapist. I have taken a high school and college general psychology course. I made As both times. I am interested in psychology. I have an uncle who is one (PhD). I think you may do that to protect yourself from being hurt. Is that possible? But really you should seek help from a professional counselor if you can.

edit: I'm 34 and married. Dating is really hard these days. Maybe it has always been difficult. You are not alone. I have some friends that are having problems finding the right one too. You might want to be more discerning with who you go out. Do more screening. Figure out what you want and what you don't want. Don't compromise right away.

edit: You might want to consider dating a little outside your comfort zone. I did and found the man that I married by doing so.

Answer 2

Take time off of dating and being sexually active with men u don't even like and take the time to discover your self and the positive things about you. Make your self a promise that you are not going to fall into old habbits again and that you are worth more than what you are getting now. It's going to be hard i'm shure but it will be well worth it in the end. It is you and the only person that can change you for the better...is YOU!

Answer 3

Talking things over with a counselor is a good suggestion.  The rape from your past may be causing emotional problems with your present relationships.  Did you have any therapy after it happened?  A counselor can help you talk through your emotions.

Additionally I think your willingness to have s*x with your dates is eliminating the need to become more emotionally involved.  To many men and women, but mostly men, are dating just for the sexual adventure.  If the guy is going with you just to have s*x, after he gets it whats left.  He'll want to move on to another conquest.  Find someone that is looking for a relationship, that will want to get to know you for how you are.  Put off the sexual relationship until after the relationship has been developed and a commitment is made.  It may seem that this type of relationship doesn't exist, but you know better than that.  You also may want to take a look at where your meeting these guys.  Are you meeting them in an environment where you would likely find caring individuals or somewhere that tends to be more of a meat market like bars?  Don't force it, focus on feeling better about yourself.

Answer 4

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and detached.

Rape is one of the causes of PTSD, which leaves a permanent scar in the mind. I have PTSD (not due to rape, but to violence). People with this condition find it very difficult to maintain relationships and do tend to be promiscuous.

If you haven't been to counseling for your PTSD, you might consider that the rape has generated anger, and that that anger is directed at men.

Being crude and tactless can be fixed. But the word 'crude' covers a lot of ground, from having a dirty mouth to using violence to get your way. Don't judge yourself too harshly on this score.

Finally, and I don't wish to be insulting here, give s*x with women a try. If you don't like it, well, that's that and at least you'll know you really are attracted to men.

Being turned off by confessions indicates to me that you have a hard time being intimate. This is also not at all unusual for someone with PTSD.

My heart goes out to you. Good luck.

Answer 5

I am sorry someone raped you. It probably took courage to say that.

Indeed, that and your detatched father might be directly influencing who you are choosing to date. However, finding the right person is generally a hard thing to do.

I usually advise people to date a 100 people before getting serious. That way the person finds out more about him/herself, learns that you can get feelings from almost anyone, and most importantly thinks about what he/she really wants from a spouse. Basically, I try to get people to learn how to be emotionally detatched so they can make rational choices in a mate. After choosing, then emotionally attach.

But you have the opposite problem...so I'd say stop dating (so you don't waste other people's time, nor get pregnant/disease, nor perpetuate the detatchment). Instead, I say immerse yourself in relationships where you are emotionally attached (love) to people: become a big brother/sister, make a commitment at a senior citizen home and develop relationships, get a dog and love the c**p out of it, spend time with family and friends that are emotionally open, etc.

As the intense love feelings bubbles up, observe the feelings for any disfunction. Acknowledge them, talk to them, let them go.

After a while, try to reestablish a relationship with your father. Even if he is dead, talk to your family members about him. Don't expect miracles, but likely it will resolve this and other detatchment issues.

Concerning the rape, very likely you have not gone through the grieving process. Thus, an unresolved step (probably anger or denial) had become such a habit that you have become emotionally detatched. This process is simply something that all humans go through every time something bad happens...and you have to go through the entire process.

Allowing yourself to become emotionally attached in the above beneign ways (family, dog, old people) will provide a perspective so that the rape isn't so overwhelming and you can complete the grieving process.