Why is it considered "brave"...?

Question

Why is it considered brave to give your child away? Why did a poster in another question here, say "i just want to tell you how brave you are for choosing adoption for your child"

Thought coersion.

Why on earth is surrendering a child to adoption considered brave? brave is fighting an alligator, brave is climbing mt everest, brave isn't handing your child off to complete strangers because they have more money than you etc. etc.

Please explain to me the logic behind this comment that I hear TOO often when addressing expecting mothers considering adoption for their child.

Answer 1

Again the assumption that EVERY mother who placed a child for adoption is coerced.

So are you saying woman who do place are chicken?

And yet all of you say that you are NOT projecting your experiences on everyone else.

You obviously have an agenda. And d**n anyone who doesn't feel the way you do.

What all these questions have to do with open birth records is beyond me!

Yep.....thumbs down, Woo hoo!!!!!

EDIT TO PHIL:

WE don't decide. The mother does. Of course no one is saying EVERY mother should place her child for adoption. MY gosh, that is the problem here, sweeping generalizations.

Again, each experience is different. I would never discount or marginalize yours.

Answer 2

it's brave because the birthmother didn't take the easy way out and have an abortion!

....i'm sorry gershom, i just had to post that just once. ;-)

seriously, bravery denotes making an unpopular decision against contrary influences and against one's fear.

having people constantly tell you "place your baby...place your baby...place your baby, to me seems more like conceding, then being "brave." IMO.

Answer 3

Do you really want to hear the logic?  It seems as if you've already made up your mind.  Why ask a question if you aren't really out for information?  

Giving up a child for adoption IS brave in MOST cases.  Some mothers are just unfit, but most of the time, that's not the case.  I personally don't think anyone should EVER be having s*x if they're not in a position to have a baby.  However, I know I'm in a minority on that one, and people aren't always strong enough to do the right thing anyway.  

So, say some girl finds herself pregnant.  She has three options.  She can abort (God help us all, but she can), she can give the child up for adoption, or she can parent.

Option #1 is the chicken's way out.  People are always saying that adoption isn't an alternative to abortion, but it is.  The problem is, it takes A TON more guts to go through nine months of pregnancy, give birth, and let that child go than it does to go into a clinic and have a small proceedure that kills your baby before it's even recognizeable as human.  People have a much easier time "abandoning" something they don't see as a real child, even they're abandoning it to certain death instead of a life.  Thus, the very act of NOT choosing abortion when you're faced with an unplanned (and unwanted) pregnancy is brave.  It means facing up to what you have done, and the fact that your future won't be the same.  Facing the facts always takes more courage than running from them.  

So now you're left with two options...  parenting and relinquishing.  You assume that just because a mother is poor, uneducated, inexperience, and alone doesn't mean she can't give her child a good life.  You're WRONG!  Sometimes mothers in hard circumstances can pull through and give a good life to their child, we do hear those success stories.  However, I have been a teacher in an inner city school.  For every single success there are 10 failures.  There are 10 kids of mothers in bad situations (even mothers who are trying hard) that end up hooked on drugs, in gangs, or even bystander victims of violence.  A mother who doesn't have a good education, and no one to support her with getting one while raising a child will often have to work multiple jobs to give her child what he/she needs.  Even when she is trying her best, simply the hours when she can't be around leave that child vulnerable to the potential hazzards of poverty.  

I'm not saying this will happen to every mother in a hard situation, or that every mother relinquishes for exactly the same reasons.  I'm giving evidence about what some mothers who relinquish are facing.  I AM a single mom...  and I already had a college degree when I had my child, I have family support, and it's still extremely hard to make ends meet, to be able to go back to grad-school so that I can get a job that will finally let us be stable.  I can't even imagine facing this if I was just comming out of high school (or was still in) without any family support.  

So then it's up to the mother to make an honest assessment of herself.  Some women are strong enough to make it through all of that.  Some aren't.  If a mother knows she's not that strong (and lets face if, people have different levels of endurance) the it's likely her child could be in real danger.  In that case, she might know the child stands a better chance of success, even survival, if the child is raised in different circumstances.  That doesn't mean she doesn't love her baby.  It doesn't mean she won't cry for her baby.  It just means she wants her baby to "make it" to have "a better life".  Setting yourself up for those nights of heartache, for the tears of going home from the hospital with empty arms, and actually going through with it.  That IS brave, no matter what anyone else says.  It's even braver when society/friends are telling you "keep your baby" or "You just gave your baby away?".  Society does say those things too, you know, it's not all "you're so brave".  Anyone who can face themselves in the mirror, and say "I know I can't raise this child, so I have to put myself through pain instead" is extremely brave.  

Then again, so are the mothers who say "I CAN raise this child" and work their asses off to makes sure it comes out right.  Heck, those mothers are stronger than I am, because if I didn't have my family, I don't think I could be that strong!  I still feel overwhelmed much of the time.  

The ones who aren't brave are the ones who kill their children, or the ones who are too scared to give their children up, but let themselves get so overwhelmed that the beat or neglect the kid instead.  Those are the real losers.  

As a side note - I seriously believe both adoptive and biological parents should make a commitment to have an open adoption.  If the biological parent really thinks they can't handle it, then they shouldn't be forced into it, (because even a closed adoption is better than abortion - if you don't believe that, there's always suicide) but for the child's sake, everyone should try hard to make themselves known and shine lights on any secrets.  I think alot of the skeletons of adoption would be vanquished if more people chose open adoptions.

Answer 4

It is coercion.

What's the opposite of 'brave'?

Weak?

'Brave' is a way to *spin* 'giving up', to further create the impression that there is no way to go back.

Answer 5

PARENTING IS BRAVE, AND CHOOSING TO GIVE YOUR CHILD TO SOMEONE THAT CAN BE A PARENT TO YOUR CHILD IS BRAVE. MONEY ISN'T ALWAYS THE ISSUE... SOMETIMES OTHER THINGS ARE INVOLVED, AGE, MATURITY, CIRCUMSTANCES.... I FEEL ANY PERSON THAT ADOPTS THEIR CHILD OUT IT BRAVE, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE HOW HARD THAT WOULD BE?

WHOOPS DIDN'T REALIZE MY CAPS WERE ON =O/

Answer 6

"He who believes giving away your child is brave is a victim of thought coercion themselves and is being fooled by the system."

Couldn't have said it better, Gershom.

It is simply a form of coercion and many people, adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, and even women who have relinquished within the past few years use that terminology. They are just following the industry's lead like lemmings to the sea.

Answer 7

I don't really know why I'm bothering to answer you, since you're obviously not actually looking for answers, but just looking to rant...

BUT just in case someone does want an answer to your question...

I felt brave when I gave my daughter up for adoption, because I felt pressure from others to have an abortion (I was handed a blank check from the baby's father) and felt pressured from others to keep the baby.  I was not interested in being a mom at the time.  I also had plans to go to college and many other things that I did not feel I'd be successful at if I had a baby with me.  Of course it was possible.  But I knew I'd be living in low-income housing, probably have food stamps or at least WIC, be working part time if not full time, and have minimal time to actually spend with a kid.  That to me is not being a good parent.  I knew I could give my baby to people who had a lot of time, money, and love- to me it was a win-win situation.  It took bravery to go against the people who thought otherwise.  I gave her life.  I gave people who were unable to conceive a baby to love.  Both of these went against the grain of what people around me wanted.  That, to me, was being brave.

There's a girl I know who just had a baby a few months ago.  She is not married- is no longer with the baby's father, in fact- was in school (has now dropped out), is not working, but is mooching off of her parents as well as her daughter's other grandparents.  That, to me, is weak- she's not giving her daughter or herself a better life.  She could still be in school right now, she could still be working, and her daughter could be being raised by someone more emotionally as well as financially capable.  That, to me, would have been brave.  But she was too chicken, too aprehensive about it- and they'll both pay the price.

*To littleJaina- I just read the past answers and WOW.  Thank you for your beautiful words.

*Nyla- you GO girl.  Finally another birthmom who knows she did the right thing- I'm so glad you're out there.

Answer 8

Well can tell by your remarks "thought coercion" that your mind is made up. I do think it is brave of her and in most cases a well though out plan. I do not suffer from thought coercion either thank you. It takes bravery, compassion, strength. love and many more emotions an feelings to come to this decision. It is a good person that puts another before themselves. People need to get rid of the idea that just because a child is adopted that they will be messed up. There are alot of us out here that are doing just fine. And can you really judge anyone for this until you are in their place, and I don't mean just pregnant. You would have to live their life in every aspect before you would have any idea of what they were going through. What is right for one is not always right for another.

Answer 9

giving up your child for adoption is brave you are giving your child a better life a life that the parent cannot give them and its a descision that you will live with for the rest of your life making you wonder did you make the right decision is your child happy and safe, wondering what they look like now, what they ended up doing with their life, what their first words are.  It takes a brave person to admit that they don't have the ability to raise a child but are willing to continue the childs life without abortion and giving him/her to a family that may not be able to have children

Answer 10

I'm very puzzled by some of the answers here.  If I understand correctly, all women should give up their children for adoption because it's the brave thing to do, right?  I mean, if people give up their children for adoption, they will have a better life, right?  So everyone should do it?  

At what point do we decide a mother should or shouldn't give up a child?  At what point is it brave, and what point is it negligent?  If it's always brave, every mother should give up their child.  If it's not always brave, what makes it brave in some cases but not all?  

(I do understand that sometimes it's necessary to remove a child from it's mother's presence.  But that's a different situation then the one being asked about.)

Answer 11

I am brave because I didn't know what to expect in the future - I didn't know then how I feel now!

I was told I was brave by the nurses at the hospital and by elders. The people who knew how birth mothers felt 10 years down the road  - I know now what they meant.

I was 18 - I didn't talk to the father anymore and I wanted to go to school (college) I lived with my dad - have no brothers or sisters and my mom lived 2000 miles away.

What choice did I have but to give my son a better life than I could provide! Well geuss what - I am now 37 years old.

I know where he is - we just found each other on adoption .com. I have never married - engaged 4 times - I have no other children - and I cry at the thought of never meeting him face to face.  and never being able to committ to anything because I am not a whole person. I gave birth - I am a mother that knows her son is alive - lives in my city and I can not touch him. I watch my friends raise their kids and kick myself in the *** everyday - I have a part of my soul drifting somewhere that I cannot reach. I didn't give him up because I didn't want him - I wanted him to have a good life at the cost of my own - So! TELL ME again why you don't think birth mothers are brave. I own a company - I graduated at the top of my class - I have everything I ever wanted - NOW. EXCEPT - my son.

Here's a deffinition for ya.

bravery

noun

1. a quality of spirit that enables you to face unknown danger or certain pain without showing fear

Answer 12

Hi, I'm glad you asked this question Gershom, because it might get people thinking about some of the same old lines that are used to transfer a child from one family to another.

My opinion is that if the word "brave" must be used in the adoption world, the braver choice is to keep the family together.  That takes strength and courage and although it might be tougher in the beginning, in the long run the entire family, incuding the baby, is going to be better having been kept together.  It is the braver choice to stand up to the adoption industry and all other adversaries of young mothers.  It doesn't always require the "traditional" family in order to raise a happy and loved child.  For that matter, many prospective adopters are not what would be considered the "traditional" family anyway.

Sorry, I fail to see bravery involved at all in abandoning your own flesh and blood to a fate unknown with strangers.  While I will always support taking care of orphaned children who are without homes, I see no need to create additional ones when they have parents who love them already.  

Brave is a positive word that those in favor of adoption sometimes use, in an attempt to attach a positive quality to an atrocious act, that of separating a mother and her newborn baby.  People are justified in questioning it.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 13

It is brave because you are giving up your flesh and blood and know you may never know what happened to that child.  You are brave because you are choosing to be completely unselfish by allowing your child to have a better life at great emotional pain to yourself.

Answer 14

I think that the "brave mother" label is misplaced when using it to describe women who decide to give their children away to strangers to raise.  I think that they are very STRONG women to do be able to do that but I kind of choke at calling them brave.

Bravery implies that one has done a noble deed.  No matter how desperate a woman's living situation is, is it not noble to send her children away to live with strangers.  She is strong and I admire her for surviving something that I could never survive but it is an insult to women who fight against all odds to RAISE their children to call relinquishing mothers "brave".

The truly brave mothers are those who parent their children and thrive under economic and social discrimination against single mothers to provide loving nurturing homes for their children.  They make personal sacrifices so that their children are not exiled from their natural families.  I consider them brave - and noble.

Answer 15

Amen Ashley- you really answered this question with logic!!!  I adopted 2 children and am adopted myself- and I know that our children's birth moms were being pressured to abort- however they chose to adopt instead- and no one coerced them at all. Brave and courageous does not have to be something done dangerous- it can be doing something that is not easy. I think it takes far more courage to do the right thing, then to buckle under to the pressure of the moment and abort the child- which can lead to many problems later.

Answer 16

it's considered brave because the mother didn't take the easy way out and murder her child through an abortion.

Answer 17

Julie and Tish said it all for me.  Bravery is the courage to keep the family together despite pressures and difficulties.  Women I know who've done this are happy they did because they and their children didn't have to lose each other.  

I can't imagine being a young girl with my parents, teachers and clergy pressuring me to give up my child.  To stand up to those pressures and raise my child would be so frightening.  I'd have to stand up to everyone I've depended on all my life and say "no" to them to keep my child and me together as a family.  Not only that, it would then take time and effort beyond that expected of others my age in order to give my child everything s/he needs.  

It's got to be a horrible and frightening loss to lose one's child.  My natural father said it the toughest thing that's every happened to him.  But it's no less frightening, I think, to go against the expectations of all of the authority figures in one's life in order to keep one's family together.  My grandmother did it in 1945, and I'm glad she did.  I know she was glad for it, too.

Answer 18

I think what they mean is that when a woman has a child it's the most precious thing in the world. Her natural instinct is to protect it and make sure nothing happens to it. However sometimes she cannot  provide a good life for the child. It's brave because she is giving away someone so special and entrusting someone else to provide a better life for that child. Usually someone who she doesn't even know.

Answer 19

Maybe the "brave" comment is meant because anytime we do something that goes against society and for the well-being of our child, we are considered "brave".  I'm not sure that I have the "right" answer to your question, but when I hear the term "brave" that is what I think of.  While I would not necessarily use the term to describe my son's bio parents, I could see why some APs might use it.  Brave is often synonymous with Hero - and to many APs, the bio parents are in some sense considered a "Hero".  

I'm not sure I'm conveying my thoughts correctly, but I tried.  : )