Why is it hard for Pap's/Ap's to accept that a child will forget them or be ....?

Question

just a blip in their memory if the child is removed from their possession before the age of 5 and will never get over losing their natural mother?

I'm asking this because so many Adoptive parents fight against returning a child because they don't want to confuse them when in almost every case in which the child was returned the child adjusts and thrives with their biological mother as well as barely, if ever remembering the adoptive parents.

Answer 1

Why can't you accept the fact that everyone here has feelings?  Everyone has the right to their opinion and if it doesn't match your than they are no good.  You continuously call people out and I am personally tired of your childish behavior.  As Lara above proved...children remember even at 5 and younger.  I believe you need some person counseling to deal with your anger issues.  There are many points of view on this board, some I agree with and others I don't, but at least I am open minded enough to hear everyone out and realize that although I don't agree with their view, I am given the benefit of their view of things.  I have found that after listening to many others here, I have had a lot of misconceptions about other aparents, adoptees and

firstparents.

ETA: Independant, thank you for your clarification.  I better understand now what you mean by this question.  Thanks!

Answer 2

I dont think anyone contests that.

I lived with many people when I was 5 and younger that I remember well. I remember one in particular her name was C**** K****** and we lived on Valmore street, I remember her # too and I was 4 & 5 then. I remember she  took me to Ojai to find rocks to paint, not sure why though, we got in an accident on the way back and I peed myself. This one time we were painting eggs for Easter and there was an Earthquake, all the eggs fell to the ground, and thats when we found out that she didn't know you were supposed to boil the eggs FIRST. Then when Easter did come she hid my basket in the dryer. She had the strangest neighbors, they were nudist. My sister was friends with a little girl Vivian who lived down the street. One night C**** took me to her Improv group, I was the only kid, but I caught on real well, it was a blat.  Come to think of it, I do remember a lot, now I kinda miss her. I think I'll give her a call, thanks for this question..

Answer 3

Dear Independant,

Oh, do you mean like the people who have Allison Quets' children? Or the APs of Baby Jessica (who does not remember them)? Or the APs of Evelyn Bennet? Or the ones who keep babies after the fathers have declared their intent to parent BEFORE finalization and then have the NERVE to charge them child support? Or the people who conceal, hide and otherwise ILLEGALLY keep a child during a contested adoption when they have been Court ordered to return the child or provide visitation? The kind of people who keep a case in limbo long enough to claim that their bonding supercedes that of the child's First Family?

It's probably hard because these kinds of people are delusional, cruel, selfish, heartless, haven't a shred of decency or regard for anyone but themselves and should NEVER have been allowed to adopt in the first place. these are the same people who insist on closed adoptions and think that coersion is ok as long as they get a baby to call their OWN.

Please note that this most CERTAINLY does NOT mean ALL APs, ONLY the ones as described above. There are MANY, MANY more good, honorable, ethical and compassionate APs (Like Freckles <3 and her friend) who go unrecognized for their kind spirits and generous acknowledgement and even relationships with the FPs in their lives! I thank my lucky stars to be privilaged enough to know some of them!! They are what keeps my faith in humanity alive.

Answer 4

I think that's not the real reason they're fighting to keep the child - but it sure is a convenient excuse.  The real reason is that they paid good money for the kid, they "ought" to be able to keep what they paid for!

ETA:  I didn't realize that the word "forget" was so important to this question.  I remember quite a bit before I turned 5, too.  I loved and lost many people before I turned 5.  I'm not damaged by losing any of them.  However, my parents (who were abusive) were my entire world.  I adored them, worshiped them, they could do NO wrong at that age.  If I had been separated from THEM, it would have absolutely crushed me.  "Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of little children."  Little kids understand way more than we give them credit for.  Did you see the trailer for "Adopted: The Movie"?  The last line says, "you only got her because she was abandoned.  And she knows that at a younger age than you can imagine."  You can NOT take kids from their biological parents and expect there to be no damage.  But you CAN put kids with strangers for awhile, and then give them BACK to their biological parents with little or no damage.

Answer 5

Hmmm.  I'm really thinking about this thought provoking question.  First of all, I'm really not sure it is true that very young children are only permanantly affected by being removed from their biological parents but not any other caretaker.  I really think my daughter, who was adopted at 9 months old, was permanantly affected by losing the foster parents she had for only 9 months.  

My mind has gone through the train of thought of how hard it would be on my daughter (now 2.5 years) to be separated from us.  And I remember that I thought the "permanancy" and "stability" of our family made it worth the trauma of the separation from her foster family  (I don't think I would ever think it was worth separation from her biological mother, but I didn't cause that)  so maybe the separation from us to return to biological family (if that were possible) would be "worth" the trauma, too.    

Memory is a weird thing.  Totally off the subject of adoption, but on memory of parents.  I read Arthur Ashe's autobiography.  His mother died when he was 8, and he was terminally ill and would die when his daughter was around that same age.  One of the things that really hurt him was knowing that he didn't really remember his mother, so he was very careful to make lots of video, etc. of himself for his daughter so that SHE could remember.  This is not to say that he wasn't permanantly affected by the loss of his mother because he was greatly, or that it wasn't a bigger loss than the loss of an adoptive parent would be, but he didn't remember her.  

Okay, there're my random thoughts on the subject.  At any rate, I acknowlege your point of the "primal wound" of a child being separated from their mother, which is a loss like no other.

Answer 6

Hi Independant,

I don't understand it myself but i think it has to do with the whole "blank slate" illusion.  My guess would be the pap's don't understand the loss involved for the baby and furthermore believe its the Parents who will be forgotten.

Backwards thinking and hard to imagine but thats my opinion on the matter.

Independant, you ask really hard questions and i like it:)

Answer 7

I will fight for my child b/c I love him. I love him more than I have ever loved another human being and I would fight for him as I would fight for any bio child who was being taken from my home. I don't know about other situations; I simply know our child's situation. I can't imagine him returning to a violent, neglectful home. Even if it became a nonviolent home, I would repeatedly question if that would always be the case.....if, at some point, his mother wouldn't again turn to drugs and violence. Some situations do not allow for 'do overs'. Many situations do, and I agree that some mothers do deserve second, third, and fourth chances...but I simply don't believe that my child's mother should be afforded that opportunity. I know she loves her child, but she has seen him once, in the delivery room, and has never attempted any contact with him 2 years later. She also repeatedly used drugs prior to his birth, leaving him premature and developmentally disabled. I don't feel that he should be a 'guinea pig experiment' in seeing if it can work out for the best. Perhaps if she had been sober and working towards bettering her situation I would feel differently, but she hasn't made any attempts. If she suddenly started tomorrow, of course I would be terrified...b/c I can't guarantee that she will remain sober and stable. It has absolutely nothing to do with my child's confusion.....it has to do solely with protecting this little boy I love so much from ever experiencing the situation his brothers experienced, and that he was clearly headed for. We want our child to know and love his first mommy. However, It is highly important, to us and to CPS, that he not be placed in a destructive situation. When he is a little older and she is ready to be available to him and supportive of him, we will happily reunite them. We write her letters monthly and keep pictures of him on file for her to have....so far, she hasn't requested to receive those pics and letters....though she does know they are there.

Answer 8

I'd love to read the research on this.  Can you tell me where to find it?

Or.... Is this just an opinion?

Why are so many people on here so abusive to adoptive parents?  

Won't get over losing their natural mother?  In my opinion, most do get over that.  There the ones that aren't on this board searching for answers, they are living their lives.

Go ahead, hit the thumbs down.  I don't care.

addendum:

I've given this some thought.  My Grandmother died when I was four years old.  I loved her dearly and missed her.  I still remember her vividly.  I can't imagine being ripped from my parents at that age and them being just a 'blip' in my life.