Why is it hard to leave an abuser?

Question

My boyfriend is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. The last straw for me was last night when I told him I can see him abusing me till I was old and wrinkled...since I am older than he, he made the comment, what are you talking about...you are already old and wrinkled. He threatens all the time that he is going to go out and get another girl and there is one just around the corner, etc. I'm tired of the games and told him it was over...he punched me in the cheek with his fist. I've not taken his calls since I left last night...I know if I do, it will only weaken me. Please let me hear from others that have gone through something similar and was strong through it.

Answer 1

Because they are manipulative and know how to play your emotions.

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Answer 2

be strong lovely!!! no one deserves that kind of treatment!!

don't talk to him!! perhaps you should think of going to the police...?

Answer 3

Your boyfriend is a weak personality .... you as an obviously stronger personality, in taking his abuse, make him feel stronger and therefore better about himself..... much of a bully's/abuser's strength comes from abusing the emotional state of their victim.... there is a callous and backhanded pleasure they get.....and that's his licence to keep going .....

you saying the relationship is over and you no longer want to be with him is (for him) the worst thing you could do .... How dare you take away my favourite toy and spoil all my fun?!......

Your boy is also an emotional wreck himself as he doesn't know how to love and care, his emotions are wrecked (perhaps by someone doing exactly what he's doing to you) .... however you are not his punching bag therapy ..... He refuses to acknowledge his problems and exercise self-control, he refuses to see that he is wrong in his actions and words .... again .... how can I be wrong? I'm always right, and you're wrong to say I'm not right .... and I'm going to hit you until you say I'm right .... there is a saying 'Don't do what I do - do what I say...'...... so to him you're not even worthy of consideration .... you're not a worthwhile, equal individual - unlike him......

You 'problem' is you care - you can see his problems and you can see what may be the answers and you want to be the one to help him.... and he will then love you because you helped him.....

In situations like this it is not weak to walk away, but strong -- to admit you are not the perfect human being who can take all this rubbish and still keep going .... and in fact you will teach him to have even less respect for you than he does now .... because he knows you should walk away and you haven't - and because you keep coming 'back for more' you are deserving of what you get ......

Decide that you can only live one life - yours .... he has to sort his own out - and it might take someone to put him on his backside to see that .... but you are not strong enough to do thisfor him  .... and nor should you..... Believe there is someone out there more worthy of your love than this waste of space ......

Answer 4

Sadly the abuser uses words to make the abused feel worthless, ugly, stupid, unwanted (as in no one else will have you) and hopeless etc. Eventually the poor abused believes that the only person who will have them is their abuser.

It can take up to 7 times before a victim of abuse leaves their abuser for good. I was shocked and dumb founded to learn this when doing family violence lecture.

I wont pretend it will be easy, because it wont be easy, but do think about the times he has hurt you both physically, emotionally and verbally, especially comments about your appearance, or intelligence, even think about the comments that have really hurt you, and let them ring in your ears. This should be enough to strengthen your resolve to not go back to him.

He is the one with a problem, and he takes it out on you, to make himself feel and look better.

Recite to yourself you deserve better, and I am worth while, loving and caring person, who deserves to be loved. Make this your mantra for the next few weeks, while trying to sort your emotions etc out.

I wish you luck in keeping your resolve to stay away from him, and that you find a person who will love you and treat you with respect.

Answer 5

because of love.  women often think love is important.

because of dependence, often financial.  You need to start making plans and going on with your life without him.  I can tell you're thinking of going back.  there's something about the relationship that meets your needs and you're probably scared to be without him.  however as you obviously know, in order to protect yourself you must stay away.  

he will apologise, send flowers, etc.  as that is the pattern.  it is your responsiblity to protect yourself.

Answer 6

It's called the soggy potato chip phenomenon. Even a soggy one is better than no chip at all. When you find your happiness within, or with God, if that makes sense to you, then it is in giving potato chips that makes you happy not receiving them. When someone doesn't accept your chips, you just go on.

Answer 7

I grew up with an abusive stepfather.  He was emotionally abusive and controlling, and the last few months I spent in his house he was beginning to become physically abusive to me too.  There were plenty of times when he was a loving parent to me, and I loved him like he was my own father.  Abusers have a continuous cycle of building you up and then putting you down to the point that you feel as if nobody else in the world can love you and there is no life outside the relationship.  

I was blessed enough to have a dear friend who encouraged me to get away from him and move into my own apartment. It was a difficult adjustment to live according to my own expectations.  I had to rediscover my own values and what truly makes me happy, because I had been spending all my time trying to keep my stepfather happy for so many years. But I worked it out, and I've experienced a profound change in myself since escaping his control.  You have done the right thing by getting your abusive boyfriend out of your life.  I know it is difficult and that you probably still love him, but please believe me when I tell you that you are more alone in the world by being with him than without him.  You are a special, valuable human being, and nobody on this earth has the right to cause you suffering.  

Answer 8

Gone thought the same thing in my marriage and stood there for 9 long years for the kids sake. You need to get out of that situation real fast and there is help out there. Call the cops get him arrest and more you call the police more he will have a record and depends where you live they might just lock him up. Plus get a order of protection thougth the court or domestic violence support group. He will not learn and if you are still in the relationship he will always say it wont happen again or give you flowers and buy your love. God forbit you have childern he might take it out on them. He must been abused when he was a child and yes runs in the family.You need to be strong and if you get weak than he won and keep hit you, beat, sexual assult and maybe rape you. try not to scare you but is a wake up call. Never had anyone to help me to get out of my relationship. He will take away your selfesteem next and there is always a shelter to go to and help. They will help you go on with your life and get a place on your own. PLEASE LEAVE THIS LOW LIFE  GUY? good luck.If you put his low life in jail he will be there and yes is a felonie.Will be on his record for life.

Answer 9

Too much of your life revolves  around him so without him your life look empty. If you find activities to fill your time you will be less tempted to go back to him. Strengthen your connections with your other friends and family and spend more time with them and if possible  go visit someone in another city. Then get some therapy to find out why  you got in an abusive relationship in the first place and how you can avoid  another one. Often women get into these situation because the do not think they deserve to be treated well  or consider men who are gentle and kind as weak and unmanly. Just be grateful you are not married to him and have children which would make you financially dependent.

You might take a picture of your face and write down the things he did, so every time you think of going back you can read them and remember  clearly why you left

Answer 10

It will be " I'm sorry but if you didn't get me upset I wouldn't have lost it". What makes it hard to leave is, you remember the good times at the beginning of the relationship. The I love yous, I need you, I want you and all the romance that went with it. Now his need to dominate and control you are for "your own Good"  He will rationalize his treatment of you any way he can to make okay in his mind. All these problems are his, Don't think you can save him or change him. The best you can do is to do for yourself. By the way Get a PPO. and enforce it. No calls no contact. Get on with your life you just dodged a bullet.

Answer 11

There's a syndrome ..I think it's called "stockholm syndrome" where people who have been kidnapped and/or abused start to relate to and somehow love their abuser. You often hear psychologists talking about it on the news when someone has been rescued from abuse and doesn't hate their abuser but acutally appears to care about them, even though they have caused that person alot of pain and in some cases ruined their lives. I think it's somehow similar, even though it's your bf in this case.. I think you don't see the abuse for what it really is, because you are blinded by your love for him, which is based on the good times you have had together. I was pretty much "emotional abused" and I know how awful it feels, but physical abuse as well and verbally abusive is unacceptable. You have to think about it like this.. for your own sake you have to keep on ignoring him, it will be difficult but when you miss him you have to think of how much he hurt you and the fact of it is..if he has done it once he will do it again.. people do not change.. but rest assured that if he gets with another girl, soon enough he will do the same to her. You've got to think of yourself and not him. Any guy who would physically hit a woman is not a man... he's not worthy of being called a man..and guys will tell you that too because it's true. Think about it..if a guy would hit a girl in public ..other guys would come and kick his ***, because no one accepts that. Maybe at first you will be sad because you will think of the good times you had, but be practical and don't lie to yourself. Even if he tells you it won't happen again..this is not the truth! It does not mean he is lying, he just cannot control his anger and does not know how to behave so it is inevitable that it WILL happen again. The more you ignore him and thereby take control of the situation, the better you will feel and you will begin to notice that you are happy more frequently when he's not there. It may take a while to get to that stage, but it IS for the best, you will be stronger because of it, staying with him can only make things go downhill for you. I think you know that you have to ignore him and leave him, I think by asking this question you just want reassurance from others that you will be doing the right thing as you don't want to make a mistake. I think you have to make sure you know that this whole thing is nothing to do with whether he loves you or cares about you, but knowing that this is a bad bad situation for you and he even is not in control of his actions, you have to take control and get out. Make sure you talk to your friends about this or someone else you trust, as I think you need support. But please do not pick up his calls, block him from your life and get involved in other things to get distracted. Good luck. x

Answer 12

you need to pray to GOD.. and GOD will solve this problem for you.. :)

Answer 13

Call the police right now and file a report and get a protection from abuse order, contact a domestic violence support group. Don't talk to him again! He will try to sweet talk you and say it will never happen again but you know it will. It does not matter that you are oder that him. You do not deserve any abuse!

Please get help from law enforcement before it gets worse.