Why is it important for all members of your family to look alike?

Question

I don't understand that! I have read a few questions on here about adoptive parents wanting their adopted children to look like them and their existing children. It was never important to me that my kids look like me or my partner. To me, adoption is about giving kids a family who don't have one (regardless of their race or ability), not about finding the perfect kid to fit your family. And what is up with trying to adopt twins? There are so many sibling groups out there that might not be multiples, but they are still related and want to stay together! It seems selfish to me. Am I being narrow-minded here?

Answer 1

For grown adults its kind of selfish but a kid feels that way growing up too, and it isn't always selfish it just kind of hurts, I know how it feels to have to explain over and over that your adopted and yes, that you're aware that you look nothing like like you adoptive parents.  

Answer 2

It's not about being narrow minded. I'm a biracial child and the only side of my family I knew growing up was my Caucasian side. I lived in utah where it wasn't that diverse either. When I was finally exposed to diversity, and other ethnic backgrounds it was strange and I was scared. Not to mention, I had nobody to relate to growing up. No one had hair or skin like me, my mom hadn't dealt with racism herself so when it happened to me, she was angry but she still didn't understand. It was hard, so when I put my girls up for adoption one of my main priorities was that it was a biracial family, black and asian, so they would have people who love them to relate to.

Answer 3

For us looks did not matter. we just did not want to do inter-racial adoption. We are brown and wanted brown!

It was so that our child is not subjected to stares and questions /insensitive remarks which he/she may or may not be prepared to answer .

Our close family, friends and our child(obviously) would know about the adoption. While we choose to keep strangers and unfriendly people at bay.

Answer 4

Interesting question.

I don't look a thing like my parents (who adopted me) but they were led to believe that I would -- at the time I was placed with them.  The 'statistics/characteristics' in my non-identifying information were completely bogus and my feeling (in part, from talking to my parents about it) is that the agency was trying it's best to 'market' me to prospective parents.

When I was adopted, natural mothers didn't choose the family that would raise their child/ren and my parents were not allowed to 'choose' me either.  They got the next baby that came along -- me.  They did, however, have the option to veto/reject a placement with them if the characteristics of the baby (prior abuse, disability, temperament, etc.) or the potential characteristics (race, family traits, hair/eye color, likely height/body type, etc.) were not acceptable.  My parents accepted all of the things that they were asked to accept about the two older children they adopted (my brother and myself) but in NEITHER case was the information they received accurate.

Both my brother and I were 'marketed' as Caucasian infants.  On my non-id it says that my mother's race is German/English, Caucasian and that my father's race is English, White American.  My father is Passamaquoddy Indian/First Nation.  Ooops!  My brother is also bi-racial.

While it's never been 'important' to me to look like my parents (as I never have since the age of 2), I did have nagging concerns about whether they would have 'accepted' me if they had known I was not fully Caucasian.  I also had a lot of "who do I look like" type questions and, of course, the constant question of what my race ACTUALLY was -- since I didn't know until I found my natural mother.  She knew that my father was Native American/First Nations, but she didn't know what tribe.  Until I found him, I didn't know either.  When my parents and I confronted the adoption agency about the inaccurate listing of my race, they stood by their assertion that I was WHITE!  It was ludicrous!  I was standing right there and I was OBVIOUSLY not White -- not entirely, anyway.  *SIGH*

As a teen, I used to speculate about what my race/'other' race might be.  I was wrong in all my guesses.  Until I was over 30, I had never heard of the Passamaquoddy.  Talk about ruining my indentity.  I have a right to be upset about that.  I was denied not only language and culture...I was denied IDENTITY -- racial IDENTITY!  It sucked.  It still sucks.

I can't speak to the twins vs. sibling groups question as each in my family was born/adopted as a single child and adopted (if adopted) as an infant.

As my husband and I have discussed adoption, in very preliminary terms for now, we would absolutely be open to adopting a sibling group.  As we are a bit 'older' as far as new, first-time parents would go...we are also open to adopting *much* older children than the average couple who are starting to look at adoption as a choice.  This is all in the very early discussion stages right now, but we intend to state (or list, inform, whatever the term is...) that we will adopt any child/sibling group up to and including age 17 years, 364 days.  We would adopt older than that too, but that would be between us and our adult son/daughter to be adopted -- no agency involvement.

In the state we are currently residing in, the law requires that parents are at least 10 years older than the child/adult they intend to adopt.  For us, that excludes NO children (minors) and even includes some adults.  :-)

Answer 5

If your talking about me and my question, your completely misguided. Nice try though. My son is biracial. I'm white and my husband is a different race altogether. Our son obviously looks nothing like us!  I thought the suggestion given to me of adopting siblings was a great idea but I need to wait a few years because my son is too young to adopt a sibling group. It's been proven that you shouldn't adopt children out of age order because it messes with their heads. He is only 2 years old. Also, I don't think it would be smart of us to adopt a white child when my son is African American. This has also been proven.

My question was well thought out and is based on what I think is best for my family and future child. Stop being so judgemental when you don't know anything!

ETA: To another responder, I'm not interested in twins because of the money. We've got plenty of it. Many people ask about twins or multiples because they have in mind how many kids they would like to have. My husband and I would like to have 3 kids. If we could adopt twins, that would be great. The adoption process is not fun at all. It's emotionally draining. I believe in open adoption. 1 open adoption is hard enough. It would be very hard carrying on 3 or 4 open adotions at once. All I was doing is asking if their is a need in foster care to adopt twins. If not, then we will probably adopt one more child and be done with it. Or maybe we will adopt a sibling group. Or, maybe we will adopt 5 more children. Who knows? I was just simply asking if there is a need for twins. No big deal. People need to get over themselves!

Answer 6

If I wanted to adopt a child that looked like me, I certainly wouldn't have adopted from Guatemala.  I would have chosen Russia or Latvia.  

I've seen many talking about this issue.  I do think that if the children look like their parents, they wouldn't get some of those nosey questions that I get all the time ("Is he yours?").

Answer 7

I agree I am not old enough to adopt but defiantly want to adopt when I am married. Even though I am prefectly able to have my own kids I would much rather adopt. How they look isn't priority to me. I am willing to take all races. The only thing I really want is a child 2 and under. I am so excited about having a family when I get older. I just kind of realized having biological children isn't for me.  

Answer 8

I've read a lot of case studies and research that suggests that children will grow up more emotionally secure if there is a physical resemblance to their parents and siblings. I suppose it just helps them feel as if they belong. Also if you are all from the one racial background then the parents can guide them through their culture/religion/traditions and that will make the child feel secure in their heritage.

I think its important to try and keep children within their own culture, otherwise they may feel like they dont belong.

But I totally totally agree that aiming to adopt twins or whatever is tacky. Obviously they think it would be cute or something. selfish

Answer 9

Maybe because we don't want our potential children to be treated like an outsider. Another good possibility-we don't want anyone, including the child, to know they were adopted.

Answer 10

I've never heard that or read it here. It's not important and even if you don't look anything alike, people will tell you that you look alike because that is what they see when they meet a family.

Answer 11

While I totally understand your opinion, you also have to put yourself in the position of the couples who couldn't have their own children.  Alot of them feel such heartbreak over not being able to give birth to their own offspring, that sometimes finding children to adopt that have their similar physical characteristics makes it a little easier to emotionally connect with the children. I don't totally understand it, but I've never been in that situation, so I really can't judge.  Also, sometimes I'm sure people do that so that they aren't constantly getting comments like "oh, your kids look nothing like you...", and some parents don't want their kids to know they're adopted, and if a petite brown-haired couple had a big red-headed child, it may be slightly obvious.  I don't think you're being narrow-minded, but perhaps it's not our place to worry about why they adopt a certain way, I'm just glad they do it :)

Answer 12

It shouldn't be.  If it is, they could end up surprised even if they have biological children.  Genes don't always express as "expected."  

There are so many different types of families.  Considering the number of blended families these days, it's very common to see people within families who don't look highly similar.  My stepsons don't look as if they were sprung from my loins.  We're of the same race, but that's where it ends.

Answer 13

No, you are not being narrow minded, but I think the people that make this a requirement of their adopted children are.

I look nothing like my mother. She is over 1/2 Native American, but I have blonde hair & blue eyes. I had people ask me all the time if I was adopted. So, even non adopted kids hear it. My oldest looks like me, my middle son (bio) and youngest (adopted) son look identical (they are distant cousins). They look very Native.

Too many people think you need to look alike to be a family. I think these people should not adopt.

I also don't get people asking about adopting twins or triplets (I saw that one recently). I think they figure it will be cheaper to adopt this way...kinda like a two for one deal. {Sarcasm} They only want a fresh blank slate newborn so adopting a sibling group is out of the question to them. Heaven forbid they adopt an older child.  

Answer 14

Every family is different, and cannot be judged based on their preferences.

My adoptive daughter actually looks quite a bit like be, but it was never an issue.  She could have been blue with green hair and i would have still adopted her.

I believe a lot of people are very preivate when it comes to their families and their choice to adopt.  They feel that if the children look like them, there will be less questions, less speculation, and less stress on the children

Answer 15

I've never thought about looks personally.  My wife and I are Caucasian.  My oldest is East Indian and my youngest is First Nations with a Caucasian natural born child in the middle.  Not quite a mini-UN but at the same time others notice it more then we ever have.  Each and everyone of them are my children, unconditionally.

Answer 16

They don't want to have to explain they adopted and discuss their infertility issues.   Usually the people like that never took the time to grieve the loss of fertility and shouldn't be adopting.  They are using adoption to fill a void and live in make believe land.

Answer 17

I look nothing like my parents. At all. To the point people often assume I'm adopted. I have light hair, pale skin, and blue eyes, which is totally unique in my immediate family, and my features don't match either parent. Strangers who see my family together often ask about the circumstances of my "adoption" (I'm not adopted) and I have one college friend who still insists there's no way I'm my parents' biological child. Looking like your family is not something I have any experience with at all, because in spite of being raised by my biological family I got the weirdo genetic combination.

It would make no sense for me, with my background, to insist my children look like me. That's just not something it would occur to me to want, based on my own family experience. Particularly if a child is adopted, I would expect them to look pretty different-- though my biological child wouldn't necessarily look like me either given my genetic background. How a child looks would not be something that would be a factor in my adoption decision. Looking like me is not something I would expect.

I'm also a little confused by the desire to adopt twins or multiples. I can see two possible reasons. It could be the novelty of having "matched" children while bypassing the unlikelihood of conceiving them; they may think with adoption this preference is guaranteed. OR they might feel ready to build their family with more than one child at once, and not be able to think of ways to do that without a multiple birth being involved. The first reason creeps me out, but unless it's specified I try to be more charitable and assume the second, at least for the purposes of giving information. I think that when people ask that, it's a great time to suggest sibling groups-- that's what I've been doing. People can do what they will with that advice.

Overall I think adoption is often WAY too much about the parents' preferences instead of the child's needs, and I think a lot of people try to adopt children "to order" in ways that are pretty inappropriate. It seems like adopting a child is for them the same as picking out furniture-- colour, style, and matching.

That said, when addressing any particular person, I try not to assume their personal motivations are bad, because they may not be. I try to assume the best, and suggest things that they may not have considered-- like adoption from foster care, especially of older children and sibling groups.

Adoption should definitely be about finding homes for children who need them, though, NOT about meeting the specifications of the adoptive parents' desires.

Answer 18

Just in case you are referring to me and my earlier question i will say we adopted from foster care and did not expect and or look for a child to look like us. It just ended up that way

NOW if you weren't talking to me.  I think many people want to pretend that they gave birth. Others feel like it is less trauma on the child if they don't have to continuously explain why they are one race and parents are another or why you have blond hair and everyone else is a red head.  What they fail to realize is that genetics is a funny thing.  YOu can get genes from generations pass and look nothing like your bio parents. I for one am very tall 6'3" but my dad is only 5'10 my brother (who does look a lot like me) 5'9 and my mom is 5'4.  It shocks people that my dad is not at least 6 feet. But my dad is like my grandmothers side of the family while his dad was 6feet.  That is just an example.  

As for the twins things. That seems to be a new and weird thing on this forum asking for multiples.