Why is it just so hard?

Question

I am 30 years old and I've had the same issues since HS - no matter how old the people involved are! After my first boyfriend, I knew I didn't want a boyfriend. Part of the issue was my parents: they were really strict on how much time I could spend socializing (20 minutes of phone per day, 2 times 'out' a week, only one hour at a time). Boyfriends wanted to merrily chop away at every second of that time. Which meant I missed out on friends. Another part was the physical part: they wanted to make out. I had no interest in that. No matter who you were, when you said, "Let's see a movie" I expected to see the movie. When I finally got up the courage to bring that up, their reasoning was that we barely spent any time together so that was why all we did was get physical. there was no apology or a realization that they were wrong. I decided that I could probably get away with saying, "I don't get physical if there's no relationship" Well, that didn't work because after that boyfriend, EVERY boyfriend became an 'assumed' relationshiop. I didn't like giving up the little time I had with friends/myself to spend with one person while I missed out on flirting/dating/hanging out/being alone and on top of that, being obligated to get physical! (Back then, 'getting physical' meant kissing - I was so not into that!) Of course, I didn't like hruting feelings (still don't - I know what it's like and know better than to even think of doing that to someone else), and quite often I didn't have a car (wasn't allowed to have a license) so I was prety well trapped. Well-meaning friends would scheme to get me to be alone with my 'guy' when I had spent the whole week looking forward to hanging out with the girls! Quite often, the guy was their cousin/friend. If I didn't ask a guy out, they went out of their way to set me up with some guy. Even when I flat-out said "I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to date around." I'd get "You're not like that. That's not you - that's why I respect you" or "You need a boyfriend" I'd get this every time I flirted with a guy or talked about how cute a guy was - this didn't end in HS. It went on until I was 22 - 23. "OK, you REALLY need a boyfriend." "Why?" "you just do."

I'd have this problem outside HS: I'd meet a guy, flirt, get silly with him, get all giggly and goofy and either a) it became assumed that we were boyfriend and girlfriend or b) people would push us to be together, thereby making me obligated to get physical (at this point, it was up to oral) and it would negate my freedom to date/flirt around. When guys WERE OK with 'just dating around' they just assumed we'd get physical. Or else they'd be OK with not getting physical but act like I cheated on them for flirting with others.

So I got pushed into a relatrionship, did stuff physically that I was uncomfortable with (I am directionally disabled, I didn't know how to get out of wherever we were (physicall didn't know ow to get out), didn't have a car or bus fare or cab)or else they'd just pop over at my place and we'd be together - I was taught you don't turn guests away at the door. But who comes over uninvited? I got brave enough to bring that up and people went off on me for breaking some cultural code I was unaware existed!

I just shut up about how cute people were, I s topped flirting, I only talked about what was necessary and that was it. When guys still asked me out, I said, "I'll only go asw friends," or else, "I'm not looking - I'd hate to lead you on." But still, now it's being taken as a challenge.

It's amazing - I start hanging out with some guy, just as friends, and it still becomes, "Well, can't we say we're boyfriend/girlfriend since we hang out so much?"

I've held back SO MUCH about waht i say about myself and I get, "You hold back too much."

I stopped spending much time with them and I get, "We don't spend enough time together."

I've tried paying my own way, saying I can't afford it, and I get, "It hurts my feelings when you do that - let me pay for it." Then . . . "I bend over backward for you and you do nothing for me" Well, I can't afford it! "OK, let me pay. But just give me MORE TIME WITH YOU." Of course, that givest he wrong impression. When i point this out, I'm the bad guy because I'm comparing him to other guys.

Which one do you want? Why is it just so hard?

Really. It's amazing how many times I hear, "I've grown past that dating-around phase of my life. Maybe you should too." "Well, when you're in a relationship, it's expected you get physical" "Give and take, give and take. You're just taking" "You don't spend enough time with me." "Time is precious, you never get it back." "Well, you gave thew rong impression" "Well, there are so many girls who would KILL to be with someone like me. Just give mea chance" Basically, all told me that they figvured they'd prove themselves and I'd wantto be with them or else they told me that they figured I'd eventually melt and they'd chance my mind/hurry me along to decide I didn't mean I wanted to be single after all.

What the h**l? Why not accept and respect 'no' when someone says it in the first place? Why cfan't it be that simple?

Answer 1

nothing in this life is simple.99% of people do not understsnd the word no.

sounds like you were brougt strict and with good morals,stick to them .

there is someone out there just waiting for you.

Answer 2

You at least learn something from each of your situations, that's a good thing.  Unfortunately, most people figure st uff like this out when they're half your age.  Basically, and this is not to cut on guys, straight guys don't ask a girl to hang out just to hang out.  Yes, sometimes they do, but usually not - most of them want it to 'become' something and by hanging out with them you give the 'go ahead'.  It sounds mean to just snub people but you might have to only stick to conversations involving however you know them.  if they try to change the subject, redirect them to the subject you were talking about earlier.

hang out in groups only, don't go out alone, don't let them pay and make it clear that you'll only do free, neutral things where you can leave whenever.  If you can't afford to hang out with your money, you can't afford to hang out.

Just stick to talking to girls and hanging out with them.  When people say, "You need a boyfriend" they're probably thinking (not to be mean) that you are desperate.  Why else would you be talking about how cute someone is or flirting with someone if you weren't interested?  If you're not looking, try acting like you're not looking  

Or, and this is also mean so I'm sorry, they're kind of annoyed by you and they think that if they set you up with someone you'll be around that someone more often and around them less often.  That maybe your flirting/dating/acting silly is annoying and immature.

Just a few thoughts

Answer 3

You've never had an o****m, have you.

Answer 4

"you need a boyfriend" is a nice way of saying "you need to get laid". your friends might feel that you're a little uptight?

when you start dating a guy, let him know you're celibate. tell them you aren't gonna change your ways. you have to let them know upfront. you can't expect majority of guys these days not to expect anything physical. don't date anyone that doesn't have the same beliefs as you. continuing to see and talk to people that want you IS leading them on.

Answer 5

The confusion you are experiencing is actually a good thing.  Part of getting smarter in life is having to figure things out.  Many of the things you have done in your life were done for the first time.  That won't be true as you get older.  You will know when people are pressuring you.  You will know when you should leave a love affair and when you should stay.

On the other side of confusion lies understanding.  THere is no shortcut to that level of understanding.  I think you are doing ok. Don't give up./