Why is it so hard for a-parents to understand that adoptee's can love t?

Question

what is up with adoptive parents being all disrespectful towards the mothers who gave birth to us?! What i'm suppose to forget where i came from, just because i'm adopted? Why is there a contest for our affection?--i'm really trying hard to understand why some adoptive parents want us to choose between them and our first parents?

Answer 1

In my case there is a difference between opened and closed adoption. My daughters was a closed adoption because of the BSE (baby scoop era) There was no choice really.

I was told by an agency that my daughter was going out of state. HER PARENTS were told I was 13, on drugs, a run away, and didn't know who the father was. None of this being true. I actually lived very close to my daughter at one point. I was 16, living at home, not on drugs, and knew very well who her father was. She met him a few months ago and it went great. It has taken years for her parents to be willing to meet me. I'm sure they were nervous when she found me and wanted to wait to see how it would all go before getting involved. No one pushed the issue. Now that she has both of her natural parents, we get along like old friends, and his story coinceides with mine, they probably feel that it's time to get together and meet face to face.

I have never said anything disrespectful about her parents. She has made it clear that she loves her parents and that she views them as her parents. AS SHE SHOULD. They were wonderful to her. My daughter and I have a great relationship, but there is no replacing the feelings she has for the people who gave her so much.

Many parents on BOTH sides of adoption were lied to by agencies. I honestly believe this has much to do with the way ALL parents feel.

I think it in the past agencies painted some impressive pictures in order to keep the parents as far away from one another as possible. They also told the adoptive parents that these children would be theirs, they didn't know the ramifications of separation back then. They painted a pretty little picture of the family no one would question. The agencies did not prepare any of the parents for what was to come.

Answer 2

I am adopted as well. I can understand what your going through. But all I can say is that the parents that gave birth to you, you can love them for giving you life. But depending on the situation, you might not want to get to them. I met my biological parents over a year ago, and it was the hardest thing I had to do. I can tell you more if you want to E-mail me at:

[e-mail]

I know exactly what your going through. If you want to tell why you were adopted, I can share my story with you.

Answer 3

In our case children were abused and neglected by their other parents, so in 10-15 years when/if they have contact with them I will support it, but yes it may be hard for me to take given my knowledge of what  occured to my children at their hands.  Those are MY feelings and I am entitled to them, but it is NOT my job to put those feelings on my children.

So here on this forum when an adoptive mother may say something from her point of view, she is entitled to her feelings as long as she does not put those feelings on to the child and supports her child.

Answer 4

Insecurity

Answer 5

<<I'm just a big enough person to have enough room in my heart for all my families!>>

I'm glad you are, but I really don't understand folks that after x number years find a bio parent and go rushing to them..mom/dad...ohhh <blubber blubber> like they are their long lost pen pal from 30 years ago.

Its takes more to be a parent than donating sperm or and egg...so maybe it was how I was raised as an adoptee and my own thoughts on the matter that I have formed over the last 20 years.

Yes, I know my bio parents, but there is always a guard up with them.  Why should I trust them now as an adult when as an infant she chose to let me go.  You must remember each circumstance in adoption is different, so my story was not one of an underage mother or victim of any sort.  She HAD an option and wussied out IMHO.

My adopted mom was ALWAYS supportive and ALWAYS answered my questions and told me every story she knew a zillion times, but when it came down to bio mom's call to my mom, they clashed and my adoptive mom chose never to meet her.  It was a she said, she said conversation and I refused to pick sides.  However my adopted mom was very receptive of my bio grandmother and aunt and spoke to them several times and met my bio grandmother on several occasions.

In my case its not the adoptive parents not understanding, its more of my own apprehensiveness in the matter.  I will never love my bio mom like I loved my adopted mom.  As much as she has tried, she will never fill her shoes.  I already have a mom and dad.

Answer 6

i will be an adoptive mom someday, and i sincerely hope i dont react that way when/ if the time comes that my kid(s) wants to find their birth parents. they will be children adopted out of foster care as i wont be pursuing an infant adoption. so im not sure if that will make a huge difference or not, im assuming it's always a case by case basis. i believe i will support them in their search, and always be open to their questions. and that i will let them know that i am supportive of their feelings. you cant fault them for curiosity, for closure. my feelings should be taken out of the equation completely, it isnt about me at all. when the time comes, maybe i wont feel so supportive of it, maybe i will feel jealousy, i dont know. but i WILL NOT express that to them. ill keep my feelings to myself because as ive said, it's not about me. ive already learned from my own experiences that a parent doesnt have to be blood related to be a parent, and ive already learned that it's perfectly okay to have more than one set of parents. my step son, is in my heart, my son. my step brother is my brother. i have two dads, and my step dad doesnt deserve to be given the title of step. he's my dad, too. that's it.

Answer 7

well from my experience with my adopted mum, this normally very strong, confident woman seemed sad, almost worried that she wasn't enough for me.  I'm sure she never wanted to expose that vulnerable side but I saw it in her words and face.

I think she thought by adopting me, I was all "better"....much more to the emotional rollercoaster than she expected I guess.  I never brought it up to again to her, but in secret looked and looked.  It would be hard I suppose to love someone, take them in, bring them up, just to have them still want bio-mum.  Blessings to all, thanks for reading

Answer 8

I think that it is VERY understandable, that adoptive parents have a VERY hard time dealing with biological parents!

They are (probably) the ones, that have nursed you, fed you, raised you, taken care of you and loved you all of your childhood. You biological parents didn't do these things - either they didn't wan't to or they just couldn't do it. No hard feelings - they probably are not blame - bad luck and circumstances (or plain careless behavoiur) is.

- Then suddenly you gain an interest in some folks, who accidently gave birth to you/share your gene-pool in spite of the above..

Of course your parents are going to feel treathent! They are painfully aware that they have no biological reason they can use to make you love them as much as they love you.

The day they adopted you might very well be the happiest in their lives, now they had a real familiy. But they have always feared that you one day don't want to be in this family anymore - since you don't share the blood they know, that it is not as forced/mandatory to stay a familiy as in a blood related family. And since your childhood and the above suddenly doesn't madder that much to you anymore (now is is just as interesting to know some biological accident as it is to be with the people who as raised you as their child/daughter!?!) they are basically afriad of loosing you..!

And "where you came from" is from your childhood and the people how raised you - not some people you accidentaly share blood with. Why would you give as much credit to some biological parents who has had very little to do with you as to your real parents who has spend their lives rasing you and providing for you..!?

I'm ot saying that there is anything wrong with having some interest in your biological parents, but remember your history not your blood.

Give your parents a break - they love you very much and are very afraid to loose you or maybe just to to break up the family.

I don't believe you are trying very hard to understand them at the moment..

(Sorry for my english by the way - it's not my first language.)

Answer 9

It's human nature to try to feel better about yourself, often by berating others.  Other factors influence this situation too. Bad feelings that have nothing to do with the child often continue for many years. Elements of jealousy cause some problems. All parents hate advice on how to raise their children, especially from what they feel are less than successful parents. Just accept the fact that the parents dont have to, and probably never will like the former parents, and vice versa.

Answer 10

I have much admiration and respect for adoptees and their natural mothers.  My daughter is lucky to have an open relationship with nmom and I cannot imagine her life without that.

Answer 11

"I just *hope* that he doesn't consider me less of a parent simply because I did not give birth to him."

BPD wife hit the nail on the head in that last sentence.

Thats the way your comeing across in this question. Why is it always the adoptees point of view, or the birth parents point of view. What about how the adoptive parents feel? They have feelings too. I dont think that for one minute, all adoptive parents are like how you are discribing. Disrespectful? Who is asking you to forget where you came from?

How about having some respect for adoptive parents? Do you think that adoptive parents dont actually feel anything? Even if they are the most supportive APs on earth, they are still going to have mixed feelings. Its normal.

Stupid arrogant question.

Answer 12

Why is it that some people over generalize and make statments like this one. I wish that some people from the other sides of the triad might take some time to actually realize that not every member of the other side has only one view.

This Questions says "adoptive parents being all disrespectful towards the mothers who gave birth to us"

It doesn't say  "Some" Adoptive Parents....

I have NEVER once seen an Adoptive Parent ask an adoptee to choose between the AP or the "parents who gave birth to them...." Not even once.... Yet nearly every day we see some Question or Answer here designed to Remind AP's that we are second class and shouldn't even love our children as our own....

Talk about disrespectful....  I have never seen a bunch of more disrespectful children in my life... It is just too bad that with two chances at parents some people were Never taught any manners or respect.... You would think with all these parents in someone's life there might have been a chance to raise a person who could think about something other then their own point of view and hurt feelings....

Frankly--I don't care who my children LOVE when they are raised... Really.... I could care less if my kids find the "the mother who gave birth to them" I don't care if they fall in love with their Mother-In-Law.... Have all the Mommies You want! It is no skin off my nose....  Honest....

Once I have raised my kids to think for themselves, pay their own rent and live their own lives I don't care what choices they make for themselves.... Sorry, there seems to be so many people who had crappy AP's but you know what---There are a Heck of a lot of people on this earth who just had Crappy Parents.... get over it!

It actually seems to me that there are More Disrespectful adopted people attacking parents who didn't raise them! I suggest that you take these matters up with the parents that you are angry with and leave Other Parents Alone... Most people who hate their parents know better then to run around attacking any parent they can find....Except when it comes to Adoptive Parents and then WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE for whatever Your AP's did, said and were....

I am not every adopted persons adoptive parent...so.... please don't lump me into any kind of "corner" you think you can find.

I am VERY respectful with my children about the "woman who gave birth to them..." Even though I have little reason to have respect for a woman who has had 5 children and 4 of them taken due to prenatal drug and alcohol abuse, neglect and other abuse... I do not hate their mother and I pray nightly that she will get off the streets, stop doing drugs and that the "children she gave birth to" Have some kind of chance to make a decent life for themselves....  

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yet another Questions designed to cause conflict!

Answer 13

ever have your spouse ask about your former girl friend/boy friends....get jealous on you n start spitting insults...? take that idea n multiply by 100. ~ its called love n emotions.

Answer 14

You're dealing with mind sets on all ends. Very seldom do you find anyone(self included) who will view all sides equally. I fully understand that adoptees need to connect all the dots.The last party I went to there was an adoptee female in her 30's who in a conversation with several people came right out and said I should really begin to look for my birth parents. Out of the clear blue. I didn't know her so I kept my mouth shut. I think I did the right thing in that situation as many of us were drinking and opinions may have come out in a strong way.

Answer 15

I'm an adoptive parent.  I talk frequently with my daughters about their birth mother.  They know they can express any feeling, they can express regret at not being with their birth mother, they can express their love for their birth mother.  Frankly, I'm sorry that their birth mother couldn't raise the girls to adulthood.  I wish, for their wholeness, that they could have had that all their lives...but it wasn't possible.

Their situation wasn't the best, but it doesn't detract from their love or their loyalty to their birth mother.  

I honor her any time I talk about her.

Answer 16

I don't know, I can't understand it. But then again I'd never adopt.  Insecurity? Possessiveness? Jealousy? A combination of all three?

It takes a pretty small minded person to adopt and then get all bent out of shape about an adoptee caring about their first family.

Answer 17

We are not all disrepectful to our children's birth parents because they are part of what made our children what they are. The difficulty we sometimes have is knowing the history of our child before we came along. My daughter's birth parents abused and neglected her, so I found it hard to be positive about them. However, we met her birth mother eventually, and she was a very sad character, so it made it a bit easier to understand.

Sometimes people see the birth parent as a threat. None of us want to lose our children to someone else when they are older; especially if that person is the biological parent.

Answer 18

I don't think all adoptive parents feel this way. I have nothing but respect for the woman that gave birth to my daughter.  Those who don't maybe do so for one of a couple reasons. One being that maybe the first/natural/biological/birth parents WERE bad people (abusive &/or neglectful). Another being simply fear that they will lose their child's love to the f/n/b/b/ parents. Please remember that the love a parent has for a child is probably the greatest most all consuming love there is and the fear of its loss can make people do stupid things (think of custody cases in divorce).

Answer 19

Healing - this same question has been bugging me also.

Too many  APs think that adoption means that they will be the only parents - without understanding the full complexities of the situation.

Perhaps better education (way better) of PAPs would help.

Sadly I think it's a mind-set - that people think that adopting is the same as having a bio child - and it's NOT - it just can't be.

They have to be made to understand that it is very different - and the child has internal loyalties to two (or sometimes more) families - and it's not about them (the a-parents) but about the adoptee.

It's all about the adoptee - and that's the way it should be.

Sadly - too many see it being about themselves.

*sigh*

Answer 20

I can tell you being a potential adoptive parent loosing the child is the biggest fear that I have.  Do I think I should ever block a child from discovering his biological roots?  Of course, not!  However, it's just a normal fear of a parent.

Would this happen to coincide with them experiencing the empty nest syndrome, too?  If it does, then you are dealing with a two-fold emotional problem.

Just reassure them through a hand written letter than they are your first mom and dad.  However, you want to heal and know your biological roots.  It was there love and guidance who made you the person you became.

Answer 21

what is up with adoptive parents being all disrespectful towards the mothers who gave birth to us?  

I respect my son's natural mother and other natural mothers as well, but I still have the right not to respect natural mothers who abuse their children, etc.

What i'm suppose to forget where i came from, just because i'm adopted?

Heck no.  Try to be proud of who you are and know that you're just as important as any other human being we share the world with.

Why is there a contest for our affection?

In my case, I don't have communication with my son's natural mother.  I am raising my son to know he has two mothers and a father (two if I ever get married).  I don't want him to think he has to please both of us by taking sides.  He will know that I support him in any way because I love him.

i'm really trying hard to understand why some adoptive parents want us to choose between them and our first parents?

Maybe some do.  But I've never said that you should choose.  You have two Mothers and Fathers.  That's the fact.

Answer 22

This is one AP who doesn't feel that way, Healing.  It is my son's choice who he loves in life...not mine.  I will support whatever choice HE chooses.  

I do not want my son to feel as though he has to choose.  

I just *hope* that he doesn't consider me less of a parent simply because I did not give birth to him.

Answer 23

As an adoptive parent, I have this to say:

If my three adopted children ever meet their birth parents and get to know them, I would have absolutely no problem understanding that they love both their birth families and me.  None at all.

I would, however, find it difficult to comprehend it if one of them said to me right now, without ever having met their birth mothers, "I love her as much as I love you."  How is it even remotely possible to love someone you don't know?  I can understand imagining one's birth mother, dreaming about her, wondering what she is like, hoping to meet her and see her one day.  And if the political situation in China ever changes and search is possible, I will do everything in my power to help my daughters find their birth families.

But in the meantime, I have never heard any of them say (nor do I expect to) "I love my birth mother."   Love is based on knowledge and contact and experience.  You cannot love someone you've never met.

Go ahead and bring on the "thumbs down," adoptees....I know they are coming, and have put on my thumb-proof vest

:-)

Answer 24

I can understand that my son has another Mother out there and he has the right to love her too. Even if it has taken years of counseling to figure this out. He has a connection to her that even if I wanted to, I could never come between.

In my case, I have very hard feelings towards my son's mother. He has life long effects from the choices she made. But I know that this is my problem, not his. I will do all I can to help my son contact his Mother when the time is right. And I would never make him chose between us.

Answer 25

they can't understand that we have another set of parents.

network mom- glad you aren't my mom, Then!!

Answer 26

it shouldn.t be that way but the adoptees are afraid of loosing your love, i hope you  can understand that and  just be so relieved that you had someone  so good that adopted you then when you grow up you can see your real parents,

Answer 27

Unless you know the circumstances of each adoption you do not know if they are being disrespectful or or stating facts about the bio's. My parents were understanding and even offered to help me find my bio mom. I choose not to. My dad was always worried when I was growing up, as my sperm donor would always pop up in the town where I lived an threaten his parents wanting to know where his daughter was. My parents lived with the fear of him trying to kidnap me until he finally got killed. How are parents suppose to feel when sometimes the bio's present such a threat? Not all cases are like mine but some are. So unless you know what these parents have gone through and you know the causes of each individual adoption you can't judge them for how they feel. I can only imagine the fear some of them live with. I do believe that most only want what is best for their children, but that does not stop them from having basic human emotions on the subject. I don't think they want the child to choose between them, but they are worried about how it will go if and when they choose to meet and with just cause. They don't want their child to be hurt again by their bio's.

Answer 28

I have never been intentionally disrespectful to anyone on Y/A.  I have never expected any adoptee, nor will I expect my future children to forget who and where they came from.

Are you confusing disrespect with being uneducated?

Answer 29

hnmm. i don't know what to say.  i hope someone writes to you that really understands.

All I can say is love them all.  

Adoption is very difficult for everyone concerned and everyone has a different feel for it.

i hope you can work this out.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 30

Some of us do understand that.  And, hopefully, others are learning more about that.  It is natural, and just a part of growing up, that adoptees need to know where they came from, and find that connection to who they are.  It would be natural for any of us, if we stop and think about it.  I have tried to compare it to how I would feel if I suddenly woke up with amnesia in a strange place.  Even if a very kind and loving family took me in, and loved me like their own, and I lacked for nothing.  Even if I loved them and felt blessed to have them in my life, whould I be satisfied to leave the darkness of my past alone?  Of course not.  I would be driven to find out who I was, and where I came from.  I would need to know who was in my "other" life, and what they were like.  I would have no peace of mind until I found that part of myself.  And, if I did find that part of myself, and found that I did love those people from my past, would it diminish my love for the wonderful people who loved me and cared for me now?  No.  Love doesn't work that way.  You don't have to "subtract" love from one family or family member, in order to give love to another.  Love multiplies--it doesn't divide.

Answer 31

My parents were in a Catch22........

I was adopted from a nearby parish.....my story is CRAZY...seriously Lifetime material.......

Anyway, my parents were never intending to adopt at all.....keep in mind I'm closer to 40 than I'd like to be....

My birth mom signed papers and there was another couple...I had a small problem which back then was considered a big problem (it was basically a fatty glob in my neck)....the adoptive parents backed out.  It got to the point where the doctors believed I'd die without surgery and most likely die during, so they called for a priest.  

My parents were blocking my uncle's car so they drove him over. (Boston Catholic Area)......anyway, my parents had been married 3 months and in good Irish Catholic fashion were already pregnant (didn't know it)...they waited and prayed through the surger because it was the right thing to do and adopted me later......much longer story, but it doesn't answer your question......

Anyway, my uncle being a priest in the area knew a lot about my birth mom and NONE of it was good...she had several more kids almost every year, kept some gave some up...no real reason or pattern....

They were torn between telling me the truth about her and hurting me AND being respectful of the woman who gave birth to me....especially when I began to have contact with her....turned out all she wanted was money.

So, my parents were never threatened I wouldn't love them...it was no contest.....the only contest in my family was bathroom time.....I always knew I was adopted, my mom wrote it up in my baby book...she was before her time.....plus, I was born when they were married three months......better to live with the "shame" of adoption than a shot gun wedding (39 years ago in Catholicville USA)...plus my sister is 6 months younger than me...now Irish twins happen all the time...but not that close.

So, I don't think most parents feel that way....my parents had to stand by and watch me get hurt by this woman and they supported me.....she by the way isn't totally sure who my biological father is.

My parents were NEVER disrespectful and she deserved it...you should try not to generalize.