Why is it so hard to adopt?

Question

My husband and I have been married for three years. I have been unable to become pregnant naturally. And I would rather adopt than try fertility treatments. I have been a nanny fro 15 years. You think this might speed up the process as I already have a clear criminal check every time I get a new position. Not to mention tons of experience. But as we have just started they said it could take a year or more. So now my husband wants me to take fertility treatments while we wait. You think it would be easier to give a home to one of the many children already in care!

Answer 1

I think that it is a good thing that it does take that long because they cant go just giving the child to anyone...i'm sure you arent but for all they know you could be some pedophile or child abuser,yanno...I have a best friend who was adopted along with her sister and they were molested their whole lives by their adopted dad...that's just awful and it makes birth mothers afraid to give their babies up for adoption out of fear that when they think they're giving their baby a better life they're really taking a chance on putting their baby in the hands of some sicko...

So that's why it takes so long...

Besides just remember ,nothing good in life comes easily.....

Also if you were to adop a new born baby,you would have to wait until it was born anyways,which could be as much as 9 months anyways.....

(of which from what you have written I think you would rather adopt a child thats already born,if im correct...)and in that case what I just said wouldnt matter,but still people that do get new borns wait as much as 9 month at the very least...

Plus,if you were to conceive your own child,you would also have to wait 9 months....so just try and be patient and maybe use the wait time to decorate a nursery/childs room,shop for the baby/child,and things of that sort....

:O)

Answer 2

While frustrating, I think the legnth of the process helps to protect everyone involved. Its is alot of work and will help to keep child only adopted by people who really want them, and will help parents from making a "spur of the moment" decision. While it would be nice to be able to adopt right away it think its in the better intrest of everyone involved that it be longer. Im in the same boat now of taking fertility pills or adopting.  So I know where you coming from, when you say it should be easier to adopt a child in need, but all good things are worth the wait.

Answer 3

Why should it be easy?  This is a child you are talking about adopting, not a hamster.

"I am not looking to foster. I want to adopt a child. Raise them with my beliefs and family values."  

You can't brain wash any child, infant or otherwise, to believe exactly what you want them to believe.  You can share your beliefs and values with any child.  They will decide whether or not they want to share those beliefs and values.

Adoption is about the child. A child who needs a home.  It is not about your needs.  It is not about finding a replacement for the biological child that you can not have. They will have different biological traits that you can't erase by getting them at a young age.  I was adopted as an infant and I had very little in common with my adopted family.  I loved them but I was not like them.

Maybe you should just get a dog that you can train.

Answer 4

There are plenty of "older" children (over the age of 5) who are ready willing and able...these adoptions take ususally about 6-8 months after you complete all of the training etc of being a foster parent.  You must be a foster parent to adopt a child.  Then the first 6 months waiting period is for your family / the child to get to know each other and to make sure it is a good match for the three of you.  Then the adoption worker can petition the court for an adoption hearing and that is that!  All said and done.  If you want younger children then you would need to go through the fostering part of it and reunification is usually the goal in these cases.  I have a 6 year old and a one year old....we are working on adopting the 6 year old that we have had for two years and depending on what happens with the one year old, we may get him as well...

good luck to you

Answer 5

You say you're thinking of giving a home to a child already in care, so I'm thinking that means the foster care system?

There are a lot of classes and a lot of paperwork, but if you just tackle it one piece at a time, it's not so bad, really.  The state has an obligation to do their best to ensure that children go to safe and stable homes.  So they keep passing regulations and adding requirements, but it's for the kids, so try to be patient. If you were a child in the foster care system, how scary would it be to go live with strangers? Wouldn't you want to know that they were thoroughly checked out and prepared for you?

As far as the wait goes, if it's the foster system you're talking about, just get started and see. Once you've finished up the paper work and been approved, things can happen very quickly.   I imagine that if you started fertility treatment tomorrow, you wouldn't have a baby much quicker than the year you talked about.

But about the fertility treatments -  most of the time they do ask about infertility issues and how you've dealt with them. If your husband is not fully on board with adoption, if you would not proceed should you get pregnant, they usually won't want to work with you then.   They're thinking of the child, not your convenience.  An adopted child shouldn't be a second best. What happens if you adopt and then do get pregnant a few years down the road? It happened to several families I know - mostly it made no difference.  There is one family I know of where the mother freely admits that if she'd known she'd have her own baby, she wouldn't have adopted 'this one, who really doesn't fit in.'  Can you imagine the pain that poor girl is dealing with every day?

eta: if your comments about fostering were in response to my answer, I meant adopting through the foster care system, not just being a foster parent.   I didn't know what else you could mean by a child 'already in care' unless you're talking about the foster system.  International adoption maybe?

Answer 6

Well I dont think its that hard, i mean you've been waiting 3 years already..whats 1 more year?!!!

Plz dont think im being insensitive...I myself have infertility problems...I know what its like to want a child and not be able to have one.

I dont see why all these people say its impossible to adopt cuz it cost $40,000...sounds like an excuse to me...its free to adopt from the state...My sister has adopted 2 toddlers from the state and she didnt pay anything. Thats the route im going to take, yes its a little more risky because sometimes the parents can get the kids back if you havent adopted them yet. plus there arent as mant available infants and it seems thats what everyone wants.

Before you know it, they year will have come and gone by...do it!!!

Answer 7

From what I have heard and read about adoption the process is long because there is so much paperwork involved when adopting a child.  Even more so when you are adopting a child from another country.  Have you tried contacting your local social services department about adoption within your area.  Sometimes there are women having a child out of wedlock that they are not going to be able to provide for or teen parents that have no way of supporting a child.  The social services department should be able to direct you to someone that can help you with finding out if there are any cases such as this in your area.

Answer 8

but it costs $40,000 to adopt a kid. I think it should be free, but that's just me.

Agreed. FULLY!

It's because the system is broken. But as broken as it is they are still trying to cover their buts since so many disasters have happened in the past and recently... The child's best interests have taken a back seat.

The red tape you speak of is the result of band aid solution after band aid solution after band aid solution building up for about 20 year or more...

Answer 9

I really dont know why its hard to adopt I think if your willing to open your home and your heart to someone elses children then u are an awesome person

Answer 10

No it wont help you.  I have my fingerprints done about 4 times a year because of different licenses that I hold.  They will still do their own background checks etc.  And the work experience you have will not help you.  Sorry!

Especially if you do open adoption.  Everyone has to do their background checks, physicals, home studies, paperwork etc. then you sit and wait for a birthmother to pick you.

Answer 11

Something doesn't add up here.

We adopted a child several years ago. It did not cost anything close to $40K. Eventually, it worked out to be about $8,000 and we could have done it cheaper. [About  US$19,000 out of pocket, and the US government gave us US$10,800 in tax credits].

It wasn't hard - it did take some diligence and it took longer than we hoped, about 7 months total, but we just dealt with the process and it worked out.

Answer 12

Because you are asking someone to surrender their rights to and hand over to you their own flesh and blood.  If you could give birth, would you give your child to someone else without a long wait and rigorous screening?  Of course not.  Therefore, adoptive parents are held to a higher standard.  The fact that you have experience with babies doesn't get you out of standing in line like everyone else.  That's just how it is.

Why on earth is a year so long BTW?  In 1965, when the infants of single mothers were routinely given up for adoption, my parents waited 18 months for me.  That's twice the length of a pregnancy.  

Also, my own marriage lasted for nine years before I divorced my husband, with whom I lived for 15 years in toto.  We had, therefore, 3 to 6 times more staying power than you have demonstrated--and yet I am very, VERY glad I chose not to parent with him.

I know you want a child.  But reality says you have to wait your turn.

Answer 13

place Children - Adoption Encyclopedia

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Answer 14

It SHOULD be hard to adopt. No one should get a "jump to the front of the line" pass.  While the system is so far from perfect it's not even funny, try to remember that all of the things you have to do to adopt are in place to attempt to do what is best for the child.  Adoption isn't about becoming a parent as quickly as possible.  It's not about finding the "easiest" way. It should always, always be about what is best for a child. Experience with children and a clear criminal check will help you with the homestudy, but there is so much more that they have to look at.

For instance, your feelings on your infertility. Most places will discourage you from continuing with fertility treatments while you are in the process of trying to adopt. (There is a recent case in Nebraska where a couple did continue IVF treatments, got pregnant, and lied to the agency and bmom when asked "Are you pregnant."  A judge recently overturned the adoption - and rightly so.)

They'll also look at the relationship between you and your husband, how you handle stress, how you handle disappointment, if you are aware and have educated yourself about the grief your child may have, the physical safety of your house - do you have smoke detectors, fire extinguishers? - your extended family, what support system you have available, childcare plans.  The list goes on and on.

Adoption shouldn't be a second choice option, it should be something you are pursuing with your whole heart, with eyes wide open, fully educating yourself.

My intent is not to be harsh.  My suggestion would be to first, make sure adoption is what you are choosing to do, not saying "oh well, we'll just adopt."  There is too much pain involved in adoption to take it so lightly.  Once you come to that decision, look at the process and the time it takes as a great learning experience.  Spend a lot of time reading about the experiences of adult adoptees and bmoms - be realistic about what issues and concerns you'll face as an adoptive parent - more importantly, what issues and concerns your child will face.  Take the time to really discuss all of the questions that they'll ask you in a homestudy with your husband.  For my husband and I, it brought us even closer - and despite thinking initially that it was hard to be going through a homestudy - we are so thankful now for that time.

Good luck to you!

Answer 15

There is a process to adoption, which is designed to ensure that the adoptive parents are well suited to... be adoptive parents.  Even then, a few bad apples sneak through and the children entrusted to those people have nothing but my sympathy.

So, when you get frustrated by the process, remember that it's there to protect the children.  Wouldn't you rather be reassurred that the state/country is doing everything possible to ensure the best possible home for a child.

Please be patient.  These things take time and there's nothing you can do to rush it.

Answer 16

If you would make yourself open to any gender or race, it would not take you that long to adopt. Most people who experience long waits are very particular. They only want a white female etc... We started checking into adoption in February of last year. We brought our son home from the hospital April 14. It literally only took two months from the time we showed interest to the time we brought our baby boy home. That is because we were willing to open up our hearts and home to any child who needed it. Not just a "white" baby. You can check out my myspace and see how wonderful adoption can be. It's myspace.com/spencerisamiracle

Adopting our son cost $20000. I'm not sure where people are getting $40000. Maybe some agencies are more expensive than others.

Answer 17

i am not sure you can be recieving fertility treatment while going through the adoption process. i have put a website below that may help.

there is various methods of fertility treatment, one type that i currently use becuase i dont ovulate is where you take a tablet for 5 days around day 2 to 6 of your cycle, this stimulates ovulation. i am currently doing this and apart from a couple of side effects, its not that bad.

altho it may be your partner who has the problems

Answer 18

I have no idea why it is so hard to adopt. Here are all these commercials saying "adopt this child, he comes from a poor family, etc..." but it costs $40,000 to adopt a kid. I think it should be free, but that's just me.

Answer 19

The process does take time and that is just the way it is. There are steps that need to be taken and depending on which adoption process you choose the steps may be different but in the end they all seem to take about the same amount of time...one way or another....

One year is usually the BEST case... it can and often does take longer from the first step to finalization--and in many cases it takes that long from first step to placement...

Some families start the early steps of classes and investigation of adoption at the same time they investigate fertility treatments. The issue is the desire to parent a child so investigating all choices is not harmful. Since the process for both takes time there is nothing wrong with considering all of your options and making the decisions that are right for you as they come up....

Answer 20

You will still need to go through all the requirements that all potentially adoptive parents must do, at the time you start the homestudy process.

What will happen if you get pregnant when you are waiting for a child through adoption?  Or if you have a child in your care through fostering?  You should know how you and your husband will handle those situations.

Will you adopt and give birth?  Or will you stop the adoption process?  If you plan on stopping the adoption process if you get pregnant, then you shouldn't start a homestudy to adopt a child.