Why is it so hard to believe that it might just be adoption?

Question

Regarding (some) people's unhappiness with respect to adoption...

We have people who blame adoptive parents. And we have people who blame first parents. And we have people who blame adoptees. But when a few adoptees (and others) point out that maybe it's adoption itself, no one wants to listen.

Why, I wonder?

Let's use an analogy. Some children are better off because their parents divorce. Some people are even happy that their parents divorce. Many children survive a divorce and come out the other side, successful people, but unhappy that they lived through a divorce.

Do we think that, simply because not every child of divorce is unhappy or messed up, that divorce is a good thing? No. Do we encourage people to divorce? No. Do we acknowledge that divorce itself (not how the parents handle it) can harm children? Yes.

Why is it so hard to believe that adoption might be the exact same way? It's a trauma. There is loss. Why not think adoption hurts?

Answer 1

I wonder that too, Phil. It's frustrating.

Answer 2

Adoption usually happens when someone gets pregnant not on purpose and its too late or insted of getting an abortion the decide to give someone a baby and not kill life just to give someone else a life. When you think about the most common happening it would be better if the child was giving to someone who wanted a child but was unable to have children. If they stayed with the unprepared parent they would probably have a more difficult/ harder life then the life with knowing they were adopted. They probably young unready parent wold have a harder time and therefore so would the child. The baby that is being givin away also dosent have a large attachment yet. While i think there is a fundimental connection that will always be there i don't think that they are fully connected at the point of adoption. I think that it would probaby hurt for the adult to loose the child but i think there would be less pain for the child.

Answer 3

Wel its a well thought out statement there is really not a unbiased question here. Adoption is a iffy subject it all depends on the adopting parents and the way they raise the adopted son or daughter they can have a awsme experance or just one that is h**l but its all how the kid looks at it as well they could be upset because they arn't blood. But all-n-a,, blood dosen't make a father or mother. it makes a mom and dad but not a father or mother. A father and mother are the ones that will take care of you 100% and always place your needs first. But like i stated there isn't a clear question on here.

Answer 4

This is all true!  Like divorce adoption is not going to go away.  It is needed now and always will be.  I get the feeling from this forum that you want us to all be pissed off for life that this happened to us.  I am not.  I like who I am and I like my life story.  I am sorry that this upsets you.  Do I think that there are hurts in my adoption?  Yes,  but we have handled it with grace and are all at peace with it.  I do not feel damaged and I never have.  Adoption has not taken anything from me.  I do not think that you have to feel the same as me.  I am just sad that you are so angry.

Answer 5

It's not the act of adoption that hurts the adoptee.  It is the way it is handled afterwards.  LDA's (late discovery adoptees) have a huge burden to deal with as they spend most of their lives believing they are one person, when really they are another.  LYING is what causes the hurt.  Aparents need to understand that their children need to know that they are adopted.  Because God forbid the bparent(s) come looking for them, the shock will throw the adoptee across the room.

Answer 6

Why not think adoption hurts? Because adopting a child gives that child a family that loves them. No, not all adopting parents will love their child, but not all biological parents love their child.

My brother's father was an abusive drug addict who kicked my mother and brother out of his house leaving them with no where to go. But my father (who had been my mom's friend and on/off boyfriend since they met in junior high) married my mom and adopted my brother. Jesse (my brother) was raised as my dad's son and the only problems were those of my brother having  a mild case of tourettes syndrome.

When you grow up in a town where parents constantly abuse, and I don't mean spanking, their children you begin to see adoption as a good thing. It's why I plan on adopting a child when I'm married and ready for children.

Why blame anyone or anything? Sometimes children have a bad experience with adoption, sometimes the adoptive parents have a bad experience.

Answer 7

I don't doubt that adoption hurts. But there will always be people putting kids up for adoption and there will always be AP's wanting to adopt children. Is it not better to be adopted than to grow up in a foster home? I don't think anyone is doubting that adoption hurts...but unfortunately it will always be around. When a child is "rescued" from a terrible situation or from foster care that is a good thing. I don't understand the people who are against adoption. It is not a perfect world, (even though I wish it was) and there will always be homeless and abandoned children. The people that adopt those children are heros. On the other hand, pressuring young mothers to put their baby for adoption is whole other issue.

Answer 8

The cultural myth of "adoption is beautiful" is nearly impossible to challenge.  This makes it hard for anyone to publicly acknowledge the pain of adoption, even those who feel that pain profoundly.

The media reinforces the myth by celebrating high profile adoptions stories (Barbara Walters, Madonna, Angelina Jolie).  Only by openly talking about the pain and loss involved in adoption will we ever be able to look at it from another perspective.

Answer 9

I would say because adoption is actually our societies way of saying "Well, at least you didn't abort the kid!"

At this point, every conservative person in this nation is turning a blind eye to this fact (that adoption is traumatic).

"We're" just patting ourselves on the back for making abortion clinics taboo and keeping a kid alive.

Even if the child gets sent through adoption agencies until he's 18.

:(

Answer 10

Adoption hurts, but adoption can also be a beautiful thing.  Many children long to be adopted.  Sure, there is a sense of loss with adoption, and an entire lifestyle changes.  People who have no blood between them become a family - but the same thing happens when divorced people remarry and people gain step children.  That is a painful experience, but can also be a very living, joyous one.

Would it be better for these children to live without a family at all?  Adoption may be a tricky situation, but I assure you in most cases it's much better than living in and out of different foster care homes for your entire life.

Answer 11

"it's adoption itself"

Couldn't we say "relinquishment and adoption"?  I know, the loss has to happen in order for the adoption to take place, but most APs I know aren't trying to cause a loss. (Only because I don't know anyone who went trolling to find a 'birthmother').  And if the loss has already happened, what should take place for the child?

I adopted older children. I didn't cause their loss. I didn't jump on their loss like a vulture as my opportunity to play natural mom.  My children's father ran away, their mother died, the relatives refused to take them in.  That was the loss they had, whether they stayed in care or were adopted. I understand that the losses they suffered hurt them, but I'm hoping to make it so that living with me won't be further trauma for them. I'm hoping rather to give them love and support, to listen to them and help them to heal as much as they can.

Is it just a terminology thing? When people here say 'adoption sucks' do they mean 'having your parents abandon you/having your mom die and going to live with strangers sucks'?  I can understand that.  Sometimes I feel like the blame is only on adoptive parents because they adopted, but not on the circumstances that made them available to be adopted.

eta: Camira, I hope I didn't offend you. I wasn't speaking about infants whose mothers sign them over often under pressure, without legal counsel or a realistic revocation period. My best friend in high school was almost pressured into giving up her baby, and because of that, I was scared to even consider adopting a baby.  But there ARE older children out there, also not necessarily through a fault of their parents, who need a home. It's those children I'm thinking of.

Answer 12

who is this we of which you speak? I personally don't acknowledge that divorce itself is what messes people up but rather the way it's handle and perceived. The same could be said about adoption, if the child doesn't know they're adopted then how can it bother them this says that the circumstances of their finding out about it and that their reaction to it is what would cause any problems rather than the fact that it happened. Also, if you think adoption is so bad what would you suggest in it's place? Abortions all around or just let the kid wander the streets?

Answer 13

Hi Phil,

If people are to acknowledge that adoption itself can cause problems, that leaves AP's feeling helpless.  It's such a nice, comfy, cozy dream for us to believe that we have some control over how our children will feel.  It makes us feel as though we can help our children through anything, we can kiss ALL boo-boo's and make them better, we can conquer the world (that our kids live in)!  If we admit that adoption is the cause of the issues, we have to then admit that we don't have any control over how kids will perceive their circumstances.  Even worse, we might even have to admit that we had a hand in creating these feelings the day the ink dried on the paperwork.  The natural parents may have "caused" relinquishment (and they may not have), but no one but us "causes" adoption - we choose that.  And taking responsibility for a little chunk of the pain that can sometimes cause really tends to burst the bubble when AP's feel as though they have some control over how their children will perceive adoption itself.

kuroda, are you saying that if people handle a divorce properly, that child, or ex husband/wife, or ANYONE involved with that family is not allowed, and/or never will, miss the cohesive, loving family unit that once was?  Because that's what happens in adoption.  Some adoptees miss the mother they grew inside of, the father who's voice they heard, the "what might have been".  Something wrong with that?  Do you think that AP's can make that go away?

ETA:  People generally don't get married if they hate each other.  Divorce happens after the marriage falls apart...it doesn't mean the marriage was NEVER strong, healthy, happy, cohesive, etc.  Um...duh.  Oh that's right, some haven't experienced marriage, so they may not know that.  I get it now.

Answer 14

Dear Phil,

I don't find it hard at all and I agree with your points. I have also used the divorce analogy for several different aspects of adoption. Families come in all shapes and sizes, none is necessarily better or worse than another based soley on composition. EXPERIENCES are all individual and have different results for different people.

Sometimes what worked for one person DOESN'T work for another and even if it does the two people won't feel exactly the same about it. Sometimes divorce and adoption are NOT good and sometimes the ARE. No one but the people living it should decide about its merits or difficulties as they are seen by THAT person. Too often we want a textbook or one-size fits all answer. LIFE just doesn't work that way. EVERY situation needs to be examined INDIVIDUALLY.

IMO, it is the INSTITUTIONS of divorce and adoption that need to have flexibility and reform even more than the people. That way, situations can grow and flux to help minimize the negatives for the INDIVIDUALS in a particular set of circumstances. Too many FPs APs and Adoptees see flaws in the system and wish that the pre-defined "rules" were more able to allow the things THEY see as helpful for THEIR families for us not to listen. Descretion to handle one's own life and family should not be predetermined based on laws or someone else's idea of what is acceptable or "right". (excluding intervention in cases of abuse or neglect)

I am listening. You are being heard.

ETA: There is no "divorce movement" but there is a distinct devaluation of family that is not just limited to divorce and adoption. We went from "traditional families" (multiple generations being close and an active part of family) to the "nuclear family" (Mom, Dad and 2.5 kids) to the "single parent family" (parent and child) and from the attitudes I see expressed my so many, to "interchangeable and designer families" (custom made to specification, where biology is totally ignored). *

IMO, this is the real reason so many people are overwhelmed, alone, distant from their heritage, etc. FAMILY means nothing to some people but it is why we have so many family problems if you ask me. I am irritated that the govt does little to promote FAMILY TOGETHERNESS. It is easier to control people who have little or no support system or FAMILY.  (Isolation is also how abusers often keep control.) but this is a double-edged sword, without support an individual is weakened besides easier to control and a nation is only as strong as its citizens.

*This is in no way meant to insult APs who "get it" or people in situations who require changes in their family for safety reasons. I am refering to people who think family is interchangabe on a whim without thought as to the emotional, legal or other ramifications that may occur in the process as long as it suits THEM. (Many step-parent adoptions fall into this category for me.)

Answer 15

In an ideal world there would be no adoption (and no divorce or abortion, or abuse, or infertility), so yes, the fact is adoption is less than ideal and therefore can have any number of negative consequences...as can any less than ideal situation.

All we can do, seeing as how we do not live in an ideal world, it try to mitigate things and minimize negative consequences. They cannot be eradicated though.

Answer 16

because when you set your child up for adoption, you don't know what there future holds.

Answer 17

Adoption is not birth control... abortion is not birth control.  That being said.. the adoptive parents are usually going to do a better job raising the child than the birth mother.  She put the child up for adoption for a reason.  Whatever her reason I cannot judge but it was enough that she didn't want to raise the child.  Had she not had the option of adoption the child very well could be another victim of neglect or abuse.  Adoptive parents are usually seeking out a child and thereby will respect the child.  Does it hurt for everyone involved.  Yea sure it does, but what would the result be otherwise?  An unwanted child in the care of a neglectful birth mother.  Is that not hurtful too, but in another way.

Answer 18

I am one of those people that wanted my parents to get a divorce, and my parents did it the old fashioned way, filled out their own paperwork, no lawyers, no trash talk.

I definitely feel that the negative aspects of both divorce and adoption come from the parties involved, and the individual situation, not the action itself.

The bottom line is, there is trauma for both of these subjects, regardless of what you do.  No matter what, there is a change that was not expected for most of the people involved, even if the outcome is better than it was going into it.

With divorce, the parents ALWAYS split up.  The parents have to learn to live alone again, the kids have to learn to live with one parent OR the other, or at least ONE parent at a time.

With adoptions, the child ALWAYS leaves his/her biological parents.  Most of the time this is in the best interest of the child, but there are circumstances where its as a result of a misunderstanding and CPS gets involved and makes things worse.

So yes, both of those situations have trauma.  But does that mean that divorce and adoption are plain 'bad'?  No, absolutely not.  Does that mean that the people who do those things are bad?  No, absolutely not.  

Is there a possibility that those things can be done in as least a traumatic way as possible?  OF course.

Is there a possibility that those things will be done in the worst traumatic way possible?  Definitely.

To answer your question...Adoption does hurt generally-AND-adoption does help generally.  So maybe this is a case of...to use an analogy...when you put peroxide on your cut to clean it, it hurts, but its still good to do so you dont risk infection.

Answer 19

I like the analogy to divorce.  Just like adoption...

-Divorce (adoption) isn't the initial goal

-Saving a marriage (maintain a family) isn't easy, but all attempts should be made

-Kids can hurt more than expected, even if the divorce (adoption) was necessary

-Divorce (adoption) should be the last choice

-Divorce (adoption) IS sometimes necessary

-Divorce (adoption) CAN be the best option

I suppose the comparisons could go on and on.

Answer 20

I understand what you're saying and I totally agree that like other emotional traumas and loss in life like divorce,death, etc...adoption carries it's own set of loss.

The big difference in adoption is that it attacks the adopted individual  at the very core of their being and existence in a very personal way. I can understand how the recovery of that is difficult for some adoptees.

Answer 21

Yes there is loss in adoption.  Why do we have to blame anyone?  Who is "WE?"

"Do we think that, simply because not every child of divorce is unhappy or messed up, that divorce is a good thing? No."  Divorce CAN BE A GOOD THING.  Divorce was right for my family and in fact it WAS a good thing for us all.

"Do we encourage people to divorce? No."  

I would encourage it if the couple was unhappy together.  Most definitly, yes.  But not always...  I'd also suggest counselling to help with their issues, first-- just like a child or adult with trauma or loss issues.

"Do we acknowledge that divorce itself (not how the parents handle it) can harm children? Yes. "  It can but not all are "harmed" by it.  Us kids were better off because of my parents' divorce.  I haven't even thought about it for YEARS now--  and the only reason is because of your question.  I have no bad feelings from it at all.  In fact, I'm still happy about it.

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Gaia:  You said: "...that if people handle a divorce properly, that child, or ex husband/wife, or ANYONE involved with that family is not allowed, and/or never will, miss the cohesive, loving family unit that once was?"  Usually in divorce cases, there is no cohesiveness...  that's why they are getting divorced.  

Even in a divorce, the chidren are the most important factor...  you don't have to be the divorcee to be involved in the divorce.  Isn't this all about how the child feels and needs?

Gaia, don't you feel cute - ummm  just because I'm single now, does not mean that I was always single.

Answer 22

Adoption does hurt. And hopefully with the right resources adoptees, bmoms, and aps can work thru pain.

I am sorry that you have had your experience invalidated here. So have I. So have most of us. I have seen all people of the triad attacked on-line. It isn't right and it isn't fair, but all we can control is our own personal actions.

Answer 23

I'm sorry to say that I was very shocked and hurt by some of these answers. I love and want my son with all might heart! Did I want to give him up? No

Did I have to anyway? Yes

Why? Because people were already promised my son and so medical records where falsified, information was withheld, and I was scared into adoption by threat of putting my son through the foster care system (which I did not want for him. He deserves much better than that) by the very people I trusted. I wasn't given any options to prove myself (It was a drug test gone awry, popping positive for three hardcore drugs that I'm not even sure one could mix without dying, and I was denied a retest, and they told me my confirmatory and my son's test wouldn't be back for weeks even though they already had them)

Is adoption the problem? Most definitely. It's the fact that so many people want healthy babies and they are willing to pay a high price from them. Who'd want to lose that kind of income? Not America

If adoption didn't exist, my son would most certainly not be wandering the streets. If adoption didn't exist, then I would of known right from the time I found out I was pregnant that he was going to stay with me!

A better life with adoptive parents? Why? Money, resources? That's not what a child cares about. What about the resulting trauma? Do you people actually believe the benefits outweigh the costs?

This is exactly why adoption doesn't change. People just can't seem to except that there is a dark side to something that's supposed to "be so wonderful."

Answer 24

As humans we are all flawed but fortunately most of us realize its not just about "me".  Unfortunately, many don't.

I'm not crazy about the analogy of divorce although I get and agree with your point. Children have no voice or choice and society in general does try encourage parents to make it work out.  

I think its brave that many adoptees are speaking out and it doesn't take an expert to realize that some other adoptees have suppressed their emotions and can't face them and live in denial. I would never try to force an adoptee into facing emotions they are not ready to deal with but at the same time I wouldn't try to ignore it either. If someone was truly okay with their adoption they would not be saying things like I have no interest in knowing my heritage or biological parents and getting defensive over others that express themselves. This is something that is wrongly supported and/or encourage by a 3rd party.

The problem with comparing divorce to adoption is that there are outside 3rd and 4th party's involved with adoption that are looking out for their own wants and interests despite what is truly best for a child. Many are not interested in giving any kind of support to keep a family together. Its not their problem and it goes against what they are looking for.

I think that emotionally trauma does take a backseat to physical trauma because its not visual.

I think education, awareness, and prevention should be persude and understood to prevent more unecessary adoptions.   Everyone is dealt different cards in life and its only morally right to try to help those less fortunate and not to take advantage of them.

I personally don't like when people try to justify or make up rationals for their personal choices. The "I didn't know" excuse doesn't cut it with me.  In many cases of truly legal IA  its about "money". Instead of giving someone $50 a month so they can raise their child and spare them "losing" almost everything, they chose to give an attorney $20-70,000.00  so they can get what they desire.  Its so wrong on many levels.    They don't care to look at the heartbreak its causing the mother/child/family. These people want to have their own "issues" relieved or resolved.  They don't want to believe in anything that will prevent that.

I don't think all Pap's or Ap's are like this and I do think that adoption is needed in some cases but just not as much as its happening.  The term  "orphan" is being miss used and abused only by those gaining something from it.

I think those that aren't open to the idea of fostering a family should at a minimum keep their hands off of someone elses children and try to be a voice for those being suppressed by their gov't .  Those that can't are not morally fit to be an a-parent.