Why is it so hard to tell my parents that I am searching for my biological parents?

Question

I have started searching for my biological parents. I have also decided to tell my adoptive parents because I would hate to hide it from them and I feel that they may have information that would make me search tremendously easier. However, why is it so hard for me to tell them? I always feel like I'm making excuses. Last week I wanted to tell my mom but she was leaving for a trip and I didn't want to upset her before she left. Then I was going to tell her tonight, but she was tired and she had bad a bad day already. Now I'm starting to think that the holidays are coming up and I don't want my parents to be upset as my dad is often a mess during the holidays anyway. I just feel like I'm making excuses and looking for the "right moment" to tell them. But I know that there never will be the right moment. Do I just blurt it out one day? How do I even approach this? It's not like there is some magic conversation that can lead up to tell them. Thanks to everyone.

Answer 1

I can really relate to this.  My adoptive mom had told me several times over the years that she would completely understand.  But when I started my search, I was worried she wouldn't understand.  I was afraid she would pull away from me, that she would think I didn't love her anymore.  

It wasn't true, of course, but I was afraid.  

Less than a week before I found my birth mother, I finally called my adoptive mother.  I probably made her more worried by prefacing it all with reassurances that I love her.  

She knew.  She was okay (even excited for me).  

But every parent is different.  I do think, if possible, face-to-face is best.  And make sure you have some time.  They may have questions and want to talk.  Or they might not.  

There probably is no "right" moment.  I told mine when I couldn't go any longer not telling them.  

I wish I knew how to help more.  I just recognize how personal and individual this process is.  Several of us have been through it, though, and I think we'd all be willing to help if we can.

Good luck.

Answer 2

it sounds as though you have a close relationship with them, i would sit them down at some point and say look has nothing to do with what you did or didnt do for me, i just know somewhere out there these people exist and i would like to get to know them and try to understand why my life happened the way it did...i would love for you to help me and to be a part of this journey..if you feel you cant i understand but it would mean a great deal to me if you could see your way to helping me. i love the fact you raised me as your own and i feel as though i am, but there is this other piece of the puzzle that i need to try to find.i do not mean to hurt either of you but my life's journey started with this adoption and i need to know this story.

Answer 3

I know exactly why you don't want to and you are waiting for the right moment. you are afraid that they will be upset and angry and that they may be very angry and right now i bet things are ok. you are afraid of hurting them and there are many reasons for this. you think that if you find them they will think oh theres my parents and leave them. that is what i am sure you are scared to death of what they may say or do. well you know what. i did find my family and i finally did say something my folks were old then. and you guessed it my dad would hardly talka bout it he was angry so angry he felt he was my dad and that he wasn't saying nothing. period. well anyhow mom ws very upset also it was their newphew and neice (who had me) they had two other little girls also. he and my adopted mom hated them cause of their life style of drinking and drunks and not taking care of the kids period. that was their reasoning. anyhow i did talk to my bio dad and stuff and wrote them couple times hew as dying of cancer of the pancreas. (which is one thing to do with drinking and he had liver cancer i think. he decided to stop the chemo cause it prolonged his lifeand he was ready to go i guess. his life was nothing any more. this was in 1989, my bio mom died a pauper in banning calif. she told everyone she had no relatives and no one alive there for when she died she died alone. there was one girl who she befriended that she gave all her possessions to (which i heard wasn't much) and that was it. she lived in a run down area in an apartment. her ashes are still there for 300 i guess. i know its hard to deal with and i am not sure its worth it upsetting them if you think you wil l and they may not tell you nothing to help you which could be their age group. are they in their 60's? or higher that could be it. but also think about this. my parents didn't know much about my sisters they didnt' know there were two sisters or what. they never asked and the other side of the family always kept them away when we were around so we never heard about them. its funny moms family and dads family was very quiet on the whole deal and someof the cousins on moms side knew but not the entire story eitehr just bits and pieces it was older cousins in their 60's that knew. now i bet you are really thinking now what. well its up to you and not sure what you want ot do but this is what happened to me. dad passed away in 2000 (he was a marine in service) so hes gurarding the gates of heaven for God and mom is 84 and now she knows nothing and its nothig for her to talk about it shes talked to sister several times and friends but she doen'st remember all those things back when. take care. suzy

Answer 4

you're afraid they will be upset-this is normal i would be too.  Most adopted children are curious about their real parents- they would probably understand if I was a parent with an adopted child i would.  Maybe after you've had a heart to heart or when you're alone with a parent you feel closer to

Answer 5

I went through the same thing - I think it came from a deep-rooted fear of rejection that most of us have.

In fact I did have to just blurt it out and I showed her the non-identifying information I'd received.  We both cried for my first mother and what she went through and now me and my adoptive mother are closer than we ever were.  My fears of rejection were unfounded

I'm sure you will find yours are too.  I know it's difficult but you're going to do this anyway, with or without their blessing - it would be wonderful to have their support though and I'm sure they will understand that you're not looking to replace them

Take care

Answer 6

Just sit them down and tell them.  Be straight forward and honest. it's the best way.

My niece was adopted a few days after birth by my sister and her husband.  She is a graduate from Harvard and always new she was adopted.  She is also a big part of our family.  After graduating from Harvard she went to find her Bio-mom and Dad.  She found them and communicates regularly with them.  

I don't know why but it always bothered me a little that we weren't good enough for her.  I know there is a need to fill that hole in your life and to find out why but be sensitive to the people who chose you and chose to be with you.

Answer 7

As an adoptive parent, I know the day when my daughter wants to find her birth parents WILL come. As her mother, she can talk to me and I'll support her because I love her. Your parents have been expecting this from you (somewhere in their minds) since the beginning. Anyone would wonder. Don't be afraid of being open and if they seem a little scared and sad, that's human nature, too. Good luck.

Answer 8

Just make sure you remind them of the love and security you have with them, perhaps over a little time, first.  Just like children, adults sometimes need to feel secure and cared for before being told something they may find threatening or upsetting.  If they feel loved and secure in their relationship with you, just remind them that nothing or no one can change the love you have with them, and nothing can ever take away the good life they gave you.  

Tell them that ALL ( or most!) children who have come home through adoption have a need to know a little more.  To see their own face, to know their biology.  It's normal and its OK.  But that you really want their love and support through this more than anything.

Sure, they will feel insecure, even if they are very solid parents!  After all, you're their baby!  If they know that you will always be their parents, this should help ease this discussion.  Go slow, and take it easy.  The best of luck to you!

Answer 9

Morally and ethically you are under no obligation to tell them. Finding your roots, your history, your family is YOUR journey not theirs.

On the other hand, it might be practical to tell them as they could have some vital info for you.

If they can't handle the truth, that is their problem. They signed up for the adoption, you didn't.

You have every right to your answers, you are entitled to it all. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, good luck.

Answer 10

I completely agree with Heather H in that it is a deep rooted fear of rejection. The fear that if you tell them and they get angry and defensive that they will reject you because they think you are rejecting them.

We spend our whole lives trying so hard to be the good child, the good adoptee, that when we finally decide to search, something that is solely about us - we become paralyzed by that fear that is instilled in us as a child, that if one mother can give you away what's to stop the next one since we are only "as if" one of theirs.

Then there's the message from society that we hear all our lives that we shouldn't need to search because your "real" mother is the one who tucked you in and bought you clothes. And closed records just reinforces those views. The list goes on and on.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this - I know how hard it is because I was also faced with it four years ago. I eventually decided not to tell them. I felt like I was an adult and I could make an adult choice about my life and I didn't need to be reduced to that scared child that needs constant approval by my adoptive mother. I knew she wouldn't approve and I didn't need that baggage to come along with me on a journey that is already filled with so much emotion.

Best of luck to you and I hope your parents are selfless enough to realize that this is about you and not them.

Answer 11

my cousin went through the same thing. You need to tell them at a nice time when you are hanging out or all in the same room, or sepratley. You just need to say "mom, dad i'm looking for my biological parents". You also need to resure them that no matter what they will always be your parents because they raised you to be the person you are. You also might want to tell them that you fell you need to meet them because they are a part of you even though they gave you up for adoption.

Answer 12

Being adopted myself I have been there and know exactly what you are going through.  What I suggest is that you tell them not only that you want to search, but what your reasons are, weather they are wanting to find medical histories or just curiosity of who and where they are. Your adopted parents are going to understand and support you, Think about it, if they didn't want you to approach them someday and ask for their help, they wouldn't have even have told you that you were adopted.  When you do approach them, just be sure to reassure them that you know that they are your parents, the defination of parents as far as I am concerned , is the mother and or father who raised you to be a loving, kind, mature,hardworking adult and if not already, parent youself.  When I searched for my biological parents, I told my parents what I wanted to do and they supported me and even went to the adoption agency with me to do the search, they have even had the oppourtunity to meet my birth parents and their families.  This whole process has made the relationship with my adoptive parents and myself even closer, and I believe that is because I involved them in it and have always been straight forward and upfront with them.  I, owed them that since they have never kept anything from me.  One suggestion I do have that I used in my search, DON'T get you hopes up, don't go into the search expecting a wonderful reunion and life long relationship with your birth parents.  Remember, if you dont get you expectations up, you won't be let down when your expectations are not met.  I went into starting the search truely beliving that all I wanted was to get medical histories and even told the adoption agency that if that was all I got I would be happy, but if my birth parents were willing, I would "consider" a meeting or phone contact with them.  That way I wouldn't be let down if they wanted to be kept confidential and it gave me an out if I changed my mind after if, they were located that I didn't want to meet them.  I wish you the best and hope that all works out for you, just remember this even if you don' t listen to anything else I said, The parents that raised you will alyays be your parents no matter what, and don't go into the search expecting to find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or you may be let down if you only end up finding a pot of water.

Answer 13

We are working on adopting a child and that is a fear we have, is our child going to find their birth parents.  But we will be completely open with our child and even if it is hard for us we will support our child in this decision and make sure they know they can talk to us if they decide to find their birth parents.  We know it won't be easy, but what a gift the birth family will be giving to us.

Answer 14

I am only 14 and have been adopted. I was adopted at the age of ten and already knew my real parents. I have two biological sisters and one brother. My brother is sixteen and recently moved to London to live near my real mum. He still had visits though when i got adopted i denied them. I have been plucking up the courage for years to ask my adoptive parents for visits and i finally did. Saturday (just gone) i had a visit and it was great, iloved it. The only thing i can suggest is that you need to put yourself first. If you keep on worrying about what your adoptive parnets might say or think then you will never be able to see your biological parents because you will always feel too guilty. Trust me go for it and tell them. They can't hate you for it as they must always have known that the day would come where you would want to find them. You'll probably be surprised by their reaction, i was! Finding my real mother was the best thing i could have done. Your adoptive parents will be proud of you whatever you do... you don't know they might even want to help you find them!

sophilea xox

i hope it goes well

Answer 15

I can't really relate because I'm not adopted and I agree with several other posters that each instance is individual. As an adoptive mom I can say that because I love my daughter so much I would support her search for her biological parents. As far as leading up to it, just be honest. "Mom, Dad, I don't know how to say this and I'm really nervous. I love you both so much and I wouldn't want to hurt you for all the world. But, I want to look for my biological parents. I am curious about my medical history and my ethnic heritage.  It's really scary for me because I don't know exactly what I'm going to find or how I will be received so I'm hoping you guys help me thru this." Something along those lines. I think most parents would get that. Good luck. I hope everything goes well.

Answer 16

Well, you don't have to tell them at all.  You are an adult with your OWN private life.  Isn't that the reason adoptees aren't allowed to access their records--privacy?  Well, it goes both ways.  I'm sure there are things about their lives that you know nothing about.

That said, I think I would tell them about your search AFTER you have something concrete to tell them.  The search process, while important, is emotionally draining.  Do you really need them knowing every up and down of your search?

You should surround yourself with people who are supportive of your quest.  They may or may not be supportive.  When there are facts and people to discuss, instead of concepts, I think you'll feel stronger.

As you've seen here, and will surely experience in real life, adoptees are often put in the position of defending themselves for an interest in their own history.  I think you'd be wise not to waste energy that you'll need for your search on explaining, justifying, and worrying about others feelings.  I encountered opposition in unexpected places during this process, and wish I had been initially more private about it.

You are a brave woman to embark on this search.  I truly believe it is the kindest gift you can give yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 17

I have no idea what advice to offer you.. you know whats best because you know them best.  I just wanted to say good luck.  I too have been in the same situation trying to talk to my mother about my biological father- and there is no way to describe how you feel.  

On the positive note.  I am sure that your parents have known in the back of their head that this day would happen.  So they may be more prepared than you think.

Good Luck-   :)

Answer 18

Don't think they haven't anticipated this day.  It's normal.

If you are so worried about telling them, then it means they have given you all of their love.  They are comfortable with that, and nothing can take that away.  They already know that nothing can take that love away.

Answer 19

it sounds like your parents have done nothing but raise a well educated, loving and intelligent child.  and because of this you don't want to hurt them.  and my guess is any parent who raises a child like you will understand your need to find out about your biological past and search for answers.  find a time or ask for a time when no one is busy, preoccupied or thinking of other things.  over dinner, in the evening when everything is setteling down would be the best time.  if you wait for the perfect time it's never going to happen.  if you just blurt out one day you've found who you think to be your biological mother or other family member your parents might be hurt you kept something so very important to you away from them.  i personally would try to help my child in anyway i could.  i would want her to know all she could.  i'm an adoptive parent and am searching for the right words so my thinking and feelings don't come across wrong.  will you hurt your parents by telling them you want to search for you biological parents.  not in the way you think.  you will not be hurting them.  will emotions and feelings from years ago come back to the surface that have been pushed aside by so many happy years of raising a wonderful child hurt, yes.  but it will have nothing to do with you or your desire to find out your heritage and genetics and emtionally other questions.  and i'm only going from my own personal experience.  hopefully our daughter's adoption stays open and she won't ever need to search just a simple phone call or visit will be all that's needed to someone she already knows.  but as she grows i'm sure instances will come up that i hope don't appear to her that she's hurting me.  i think what it will be will be the circumstances that lead us to build our family through adoption.  years of infertility treatments and miscarriages, questions and probings from dr.'s well meaning friends and family and what was a very very sad time of my life will be the source of hurt.  and all of which right now seems so far and distant with the joy our daughter has brought.  and nothing she ever does will change the happiness and extreme love we have for her and her biological parents.  but nothing can ever completely replace or change what were some of the darkest days of my life either.  i don't know the circumstances that lead you to be raised by your parents, and honestly it doesn't matter.  i have to believe that wherever there is a love that is strong as i feel for my child, and i'm sure just as strong as your parents feel for you, and that produces a caring strong young person like yourself.  i believe that that child is exactly where they were meant to be.  doesn't matter if the same genetics are there or not.  i also believe that the need to know one's full story, gentic and the why's, etc...is also very important.  and although your parents might seem upset at first, i doubt it will have to do with you.  and i'm sure they'll soon come around to helping guide you and nurture you probably like they have always tried to do with anything you needed or wanted.   my best to you.

Answer 20

I don't talk to my ap's anymore about adoption or adoption issues.  So I know it's hard.

Maybe you can't tell them because you aren't ready to tell them.

Maybe you can't tell them because you are afraid of their reaction.

Maybe you can't tell them because you're afraid you will lose them.

Maybe it's because there is a fear that if you tell them it will make it less real.

There are so many reasons why it's hard.

But just have faith.  I think you'll know when the time is right.

Answer 21

You seem like a very thoughtful and considerate person. Your parents should be proud of the person you have turned out to be!

I am an adoptive mother and I know that my son may want to search for his birth parents someday. When I first brought him home that worried me a lot, but now it doesn't. His birth parents are a huge part of who my son is and I expect that he will want to know more about them. There isn't anything wrong with that. Have your parents indicated in any way that they would be unhappy if you search? Have they always been open with you about the fact that you were adopted? Try not to worry so much. It's commendable that you are so concerned about your parents' feelings and I hope my son is as considerate when he decides to tell me that he wants to search. But I'm sure your parents are aware that this is a possibility and won't be shocked when you tell them. I think you don't want to hurt the people who raised you. That's very sweet. But give them a chance. I'm sure they both know that this day would come and they're probably better prepared for it than you realize.

Answer 22

because you are afraid of hurting them. Afterall they are your parent's. Just give them hints before getting them in the subject. Like I wonder if I look like my mother, if I have other brothers and sisters and see how they react if they stay quiet it means they dont want to talk about it  and maybe you can ask them for help if they reply to your question. Hope this can help.

Answer 23

Continue your search, but, don't tell your parents until you are 100% sure you have found your biological parents.  

That may ease some of the discomfort.

Good Luck.

Answer 24

I had a hard time with that too. I didnt tell them until after I had found bmom.  I was so afraid to tell my amom but I knew dad would be fine with it.  They both said they knew this day would come sooner or later and amom handled it much better that I thought.  What I still havent had the heart to tell them is the truth about my relationship with my bmom.  We talk all of the time and I call her mom....they would definitely NOT understand that.

Answer 25

I know, it's scary, isn't it?  It's probably just as scary as it was for our own n-mothers to have to come home and tell THEIR parents, "I'm pregnant".  Talk about irony!!

It's kind of wierd when you think about it, how the onus of protecting and salving the feelings of our adoptive parents falls on our shoulders; we never want to hurt them or damage them.  Society expects us to uphold this unwritten contract that we will never do this; yet why is there this preception that adoptive parents are so fragile that the mere thought of us searching for our n-parents will utterly destroy them?

It is my belief, and mind you, this is just my singular opinion, that search and reunion is a very personal issue that has absolutely nothing to do with the adoptive parents (or family) whatsoever.  It in no way, shape or form reflects on their status in the adoptee's life.  This is something that is completely about the adoptee's need and desire for finding answers, for finding a sense of wholeness, completeness, for filling in that "missing piece", for the myriad of reasons we search.  Whatever the reason, it very rarely has anything to do with what we feel for our adoptive family.

If anything, a supportive adoptive family only serves to strengthen the bonds; becoming defensive and angry about it only drives a wedge in the relationship.  I've seen that happen to far too many of my adoptee friends, and it is so sad.

Do you have siblings?  A close aunt or uncle?  Maybe having somebody there with you when you tell them, it might soften the blow.

But do what you feel is right, because you know them best.  I'm sure you will find the right way to do it.

Good luck!