Why is it that Aps that pursue international adoption sit on wait lists for babies or children under 5....?

Question

when there are children living on the street or in dumps needing homes and being ignored? Is this an indication of how much Paps are in it for themselves as opposed to truly helping children in need?

Many Aps use the excuse it takes too long to adopt in the in their own country but turn around and ignore the children in the same situations as children in foster care.

Answer 1

I just have to say that I LOVE the point about how birthing a child is not exactly selfless either.  

How DARE we go around conceiving and birthing children in this already over populated world?  There are tons of kids out there already in existance who need love!  What was I thinking of when I decided to conceive my son???  

I know what I was thinking.  I was thinking that I wanted to experience being pregnant.  I wanted a baby of my own.  I wanted to see a little bit of me reflected in his face.  

I'm not sure what all the international APs are thinking.  I actually was posting a question asking just that at about the same time you were posting this.  However, I have to assume that they have similar reasons for adopting internationally that I have for deciding to conceive my son.  There is nothing inherantly worse about conception than adopting a who truly has no available parents (for WHATEVER reason)

Answer 2

The wait on the lists because they are waiting for what they  want and are comfortable with.

Some want older children, some want as young as possible to experience all the joys of parenthood starting with infancy.

Even though APs may wait on a list for years to adopt a young child, they are still "saving" a child.  They are just waiting for their child that "needs to be saved".  They are waiting to help a future child.  That doesn't sound selfish

We adopted not to save a child but to grow our family.  We chose special needs, children that most people overlook.  We weren't comfortable with adopting from our foster care system due to all the baggage and red tape that goes with it.  We knew our family would not be the best place for a child with severe emotional or physical trauma.

Answer 3

With all due respect, you're kind of setting up adoptive parents in a situation where they can't win. If they adopt infants and toddlers because that's their desire, they get accused of being selfish because they're following their own wants rather than adopting the children in greatest need. But if they DO adopt a child knowing they're in the greatest need, they're likely to get blasted from the other direction saving they're selfish because they're trying to "save" a child and be treated like some kind of saint. No matter what they do, adoptive parents are going to be accused by someone of being "in it for themselves."

So what do you do when you can't win? You weigh the advice, think about what's best for your family, and make the choice as well as you can.

I don't see how it can be argued that it's any more selfish to adopt an infant or toddler who genuinely must find a placement away from the biological family (because there are children out there who fit that description) than to give birth-- neither helps an older foster child in need of a home. Heck, NOT adopting at all doesn't help a foster child in need of a home, either. But I don't think your argument is that more people should be adopting.

If you've read any of my previous answers, you'll be aware that they're often some variation on, "You should consider adopting an older child from foster care!" I wholeheartedly support those children finding homes. But even so, I would rather see adoptive parents wait for an infant or toddler, if that's what they really want to do-- though preferably after at least researching foster care adoption-- rather than doing something they don't feel right is right for them out of a sense of obligation. Children should be loved and wanted, not treated like burdens.

Answer 4

I've heard that international adoptees can come with a lot of problems too, PTSD, RAD, etc....

I'm just sayin'...

Answer 5

The majority of International adoptions involve infants and toddlers.  However, the majority of children available for adoption overseas are school age children or sibling groups.  

Kind of like in the US, really.

Other than people who have adopted through the same agency we used (we keep networked) I don't know of very many IA parents who adopted a child older than 3 or 4.

I've also heard of some disruptions simply because an older adoptee isn't at the same emotional maturity as an American child of the same age.  Or that after bone scans/dental X-rays are done, the child turns out to be 9 instead of 5.  Or the adoptive parents simply don't have realistic expectations of the children, haven't considered the effect of malnutrition, lack of education, socialization and the impact of institutionalization.  Or they adopt a sibling group, then try to "re-home" the oldest because they want to keep the younger kids.

That's one of the things about IA that make me see red.  Seriously.  I have no idea how these people get through the screening process or how anyone could sleep at night.

OKay, I'm off my soapbox now.  

I would like to see more older children adopted, but only if the APs are really (really!) educated and committed to the children.  

Answer 6

Why is it that AP's need to conform to what YOU need and want?  There are many people looking to adopt, with various personalities, accommodations and family structure, just as there are many children needing homes, with various personalities, etc.  It's not a one-size-fits-all when it comes to adoption.  If there weren't people who wanted to adopt infants, the infants that are in need of a home, would end up in foster care, just as if there weren't people who want to adopt an older child...  and so on.

Not all AP's can emotionally, physically, or financially handle a special needs adoption.  Does that mean we should let all the infants and non-special needs children linger in the foster care system?

You're right.  It's not about the AP's.  But, it's not about YOU either.

ETA:  

[[[Is there a difference between an Ap not wanting to bother with helping a child over the age of 5 vs being truly unable to care for them?]]]

Yes.  In one case, you have someone who is thinking of their needs first.  In the other, they are quite possibly putting the needs of that child first, their existing home/family, or both.

ETA2:

[[[[Heck, NOT adopting at all doesn't help a foster child in need of a home, either.]]]]

SO true, Monkey.

Answer 7

When we decided to adopt, I was a new parent and did not know what I was capable of handling back then, so we requested a child 2 or under because  we wanted to experience having a child as young as possible.  We got our son who was just under two when he came to live with us.  

After parenting him, we realised that we could handle a little bit more than we thought and would have loved to adopt an older child, but unfortunately where I live (Australia) there is a criteria of a minimum of two years age difference between children and the next child has to be younger.  So if your child is two years old, you can only apply for a child who is basically zero yrs old.  If your child is 5, then you can only apply to adopt a child that is 3 or under.  It is a long time to wait for an older child because I would have to wait until my youngest child is 7 yrs old or older.  That means waiting another 5 years before we could even apply to adopt a child 5 or over.  So you see, it is even a longer wait for us if we wanted an older child.  I guess they take birth order seriously here.

So please do not automatically assume that all the choices start with the AP.

On a side note, you seem very judgemental, I really hope you are a person who gives all their money to charity, frequently travels to third world countries helping needy children and has personally made it your mission to take in as many children over 5 years old so they have an opportunity to be in a safe and loving family.  

Answer 8

First of all, we adopted both of our children internationally as infants, and were never on a "waiting list". Both children had been waiting for a family due to very minor issues, and we were immediately matched upon being certified to adopt. Unlike the US, there are many infants and young children with minor special needs and some "unknowns" who are waiting to be adopted internationally.

However, many are unsure if they could meet the needs of these children, as well as an older chiild. There are important things to consider when adopting an older child internationally. Older children raised in an institution are at a greater risk for attachment issues, especially RAD. Many international adoptive parents are either first time parents, who often feel they lack the parenting experince nessasary to help an older child who has dealt with trauma and possible neglect.

Many others already have younger children in the home, and find that it is recommended to keep the birth-order for the benefit of both the child being adopted, and the children in the home. It is definetly not in the best interest of the child to be adopted by parents who feel unprepared to meet their needs, but adopt an older child just so they don't have to be on a waiting list.

Also, in the country we adopted from, there are very few older children available for adoption, and they aren't living in the streets or in dumps. I know you speak alot about the issues of international adoption from Guatamala, but you must understand that all international adoption is not the same and the and each country is very different.

Answer 9

Probably because many still believe in the "blank slate" theory.

Answer 10

Many adoptive parents know that children older than three normally come with a lot of baggage and do not want to take on that resposibility. I myself do not agree with adoptive parents only pursuing infants or toddlers as there are many children in need on a home and loving family.

Also sometimes adoptive parents want to experience raising an infant from the earilest time possible for the reasons of experience.

I am not an adoptive parent just an adoptee so I cannot speak on adoptive parents behalfs but, simply from knowledge and stories of others I know.

Also, I find many infants adopted like myself (I was in foster care for two years, than the adoption was finalized when I was two), but I have a lot of baggage, medical problems, mental issues, etc. Just because I was adopted as an infant does not mean I do not have issues, so I myself think adopting an older child has the same issues as an infant.

Answer 11

It may seem harsh and not fair to other children who are in need of a family but people fail to understand that not every family is capable of the challenges that some foster and/or adopted children are faced with.  

There is really no right or wrong way to answer the question because everyone has their own views and opinions.  The thing is I personally would not want to adopt a child and fail at giving that child what he or she needs or be unable to deal with the baggage that a child may come with.  I would feel as if that child deserves better and beat myself up for not being able to do better.  Do I know the difference between international and domestic adoption?  No.

I personally would like to adopt a little girl from India because of some very horrible information I found out about them.  It's not that I neglect the children here or fail to see that there are children here in need.  We all have a preference with view and values that our preferences are driven by.  Though people judge, preferences doesn't make anyone right or wrong.

Answer 12

Adoption is not something to take lightly. There are very serious issues that often accompany children who have been raised in an institutionalized setting that is as harsh and bare as a third-world orphanage. Most APs who specifically adopt older children do so because they feel they have the skills and experience to parent them effectively. Love will not conquer all for a child with PTS or RAD. Parents who are very green will not be doing these children any favours and could very well make the situation worse, which could ultimately end in a disruption.

Any parent who is looking to adopt an older child internationally should join www.informedadoptions.com. There are many great moms on there who have first-hand knowledge of the triumphs and tribulations.

On a side note, if you feel so indignant towards APs for leaving older children behind to languish, when exactly will you sending in your application to adopt a child that is truly in need? It must have gotten lost in the mail.

Hmmm... self righteousness is easy when you have no stake in the outcome.

Answer 13

Well, I did not adopt my daughter to help a child in need.  I adopted my daughter because I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to have the closest possible experience to having my own baby.  Therefore I adopted an infant.  

  You might as well ask people who have children the usual way why they do so instead of adopting a child in need.  Are they "only in it for themselves" according to your logic?  why don't you target all people who give birth as selfish because they chose to conceive a child instead of adopting a child who is in need?  Why target PAPs?  Silly.