Why is it that First Mums and Adoptees ?

Question

Always seem to be on parallel paths?

What I mean is this, I seem to draw a lot of first mums to me who have relinquished a child and have A) Reunited with child and are living happy ever after in reunion or B) the ones that are desperately trying to find their relinquished child

But yet I cant reunite with my first mum, she doesn't want a bar of it .

Ive seen it a lot on here and other forums where there are so many adoptees searching and their first mums don;t want to know and then there are the first mums desperate to find their child and the adoptee is more than happy as is and doesnt really want to know , certainly not a close relationship

So why is it this way? Why cant it be the ones that want to be reunited are matched and the ones that are not interested just carry on as are ?

Why does it seem to be this huge misalignment !!

Answer 1

Actually, I understand your question perfectly.  My bmom didn't want contact--vehemently against it.  Frankly, I would have liked to at least have one phone conversation.

As I always say:  If I ran the world, things would be different.

Answer 2

I know exactly what you mean my daughter-in-law found my daughter a few years ago and she doesn't want any contact with me at all and that hurts as I might never get the chance to see her and at least have the chance to explain some things regarding her adoption to her but I have found that her total rejection of me has made me the more determined to find my bm but after totally exhausting nearly every resource that I can find I am coming to the conclusion that I will never be able to have any contact with her or any members of her family either and that I,like a lot of others,am the middle line of three parrallel lines as you say.I feel for all who are in this predicament or similar ones.My brother found his bm by complete accident and they reunited but have since lost contact but at least he has memories that I will never have.

Answer 3

my guess would be it all depends on what they were told, when they were told and by who. well that and the fact that adoption law and adoptee law are so far from each other than you would think possible. depending on the year and state of birth. some are denied their bio parents info and though they want to meet don't know who. then there are those that are told nasty lies so the child won't want to meet them. many factors apply to this but mostly i guess it depends on your own personal disposition and personality.

Answer 4

I think it depends on how and why the adoption happend to be honest. Every adoptees storey is very different, so It can be hard to expect everyone just to get on. My birthmother adopted out one of my half brothers full blood siblings. She kept my half brother. She told me that she doesnt wish to have contact with my half sister. It was all somthing to do with their father being catholic. So I guess it depends. I know she was more than willing to meet me, but weather or not she wishes to keep in contact is up to her.

Some adoptees and some birth parents just dont want to know. Personally I dont know how, but thats the way it is. I think its also important to prepare for any reaction when you first reunite. Its crazy to think that its all going to be happy families after reunion.

Answer 5

I understand what you are saying. The problem is no two people think alike. And as we grow our thinking and our wants change. If one wants reunion and the other doesn't you can't make the one that doesn't. Sad but true. Like me when I was a teenager I wanted to see my bio mom, now it isn't important to me. If she tried to contact me I wouldn't turn her down but I do not see myself every really looking for her. I do believe that those who want it (that means both sides) should be allowed. But if one doesn't they should never be forced into it. Sad thing is like I said there is no guarantee that just because one does that the other will also.