Why is it that people are called shallow when they want a spouse who....?

Question

....is sterotypically s**y? Don't we have to be attracted to our spouses?

Inspired by Sachrio

Answer 1

I think that if you're only willing to date people who look like supermodels, you're going to have a hard time adjusting to it when your partner starts to get old and ugly. I mean, there is nothing wrong with dating someone who looks good, I just think it's weird that some people make it a requirement, when it's not even going to last for more than a decade or two.

I do think you need to be attracted to your spouse, but looks are not always what attracts me to a person. And actually, thinking of the people I've been attracted to most strongly... it has not been because of looks. As long as I can tell the difference between your front and back ends, you are ok with me.

Edit: in response to this:

"I think that you have to be at least somewhat attracted to someone before you can find out about their personality(except in some cases where people fall in love through letters, etc...)"

Don't you ever talk to guys just as friends? Isn't it possible for two people to start out as friends, and then become attracted to each other because of that friendship? You don't have to be already dating someone to fall in love with him.

Answer 2

To answer you're question I think it all boils down to people's feelings being hurt. If someone doesn't fit the image of being stereotypically attractive, those certain folks feel undesirable and unwanted. So that's why people are accused of being "shallow" when they express their desire to only want an attractive spouse.

But I agree with you Stepford, I think it's safe to say most of us want to be physically attracted to our spouses and I don't see anything wrong with that. I know everyone says you should always 'look beyond the image' or whatever, but I just can't see myself with an unattractive wife. Sorry, that's just me.

EDIT: In response to what Baba Yaga said, that's also true. While there's nothing wrong with wanting an attractive spouse, that shouldn't be primary factor when choosing a soul mate. It's important to definitely look into the person's character as well as their looks.

Answer 3

Its completely natural, Stepford. The only ones that say otherwise are unattractive.........lol

Answer 4

Double Standards. Plain and simple. I will never marry so what do I gain by being a "deep man" and what do I lose by being a "shallow man" ? Nothing ! Do I have to date a hideous person to prove these hypocritical people that I m not shallow? Not when I give a rats posterior to what they think of me.

Thank God for letting loose all those sweet smelling beautiful curvaceous tasty chicks on earth !

Answer 5

You can have a beautiful face and an ugly soul.  Remember what Judge Judy says:  beauty fades.  Dumb is forever.  

Those who value outer beauty only will get exactly what they deserve.

Answer 6

attractiveness is subjective...

so what's wrong with choosing what you like?

Answer 7

First of all, I don't think there are any ugly people in this world...our higher power doesn't make ugly.  Second of all, I don't believe that if you are attracted to someone and they happen to be good looking, that you are shallow.  I think everyone in life is attracted to a certain type of individual with a certain look.  You just happen to be attracted to a good looking individual, and that's just the way it is.  So what if someone thinks you are shallow?  You know in your heart that you are not, and that's what matters.  If your heart is good and kind, you are not shallow.  Enjoy the individual you are with and love them.  That's all anyone is looking for in life.  Sometimes other people get envious of what others have.  Maybe that's what you are experiencing.  Enjoy your spouse/partner/lover anyhow.  We all want that, and you are fortunate to have found that.

Answer 8

It's the ugly and jealous people who think others are shallow for thinking like that. Like you stated it is human nature to find someone that we believe is the most attractive to us personally.

Answer 9

I only think it's shallow if all you pursue is good looking people.  Sure, being attracted to your spouse is very important but don't you want to enjoy their company, too?  Don't you want to respect them for more than their looks?  Good looks are great, but if the persona cannot stimulate my mind as well as my body, then I don't see the point.

Answer 10

insecurity. it makes people think that they arent good enough. theres nothing wrong with wanting what you have just described. but its also how a person says it. by saying 'i want someone who looks just like tom cruise', and then leaving it like that, it looks like ur only after looks (which of course i know ur not).

attraction comes in many different forms. to me, physical attractiveness is a must. BUT, its not all i want. if i come across a woman who is all i want physically but a complete opposite of what i want personality wise, its not gonna work.

Answer 11

in a way it is shallow, i hate to be make use of stereotypes but i tend to find beautiful s**y women to be rather shallow, dull and boring...my most boring dates have been with incredibly s**y beautiful women.

Answer 12

In this event, I think the only time someone can be labeled shallow is when they feel the need to push the fact on to family and friends, and for that matter, strangers, about how attractive they might find their partner.   Everybody has their own personal tastes as to who they do and do not find attractive, and just because one person finds their spouse attractive, doesn't mean the whole world will.

Answer 13

Not necessarily shallow, but there ought to be more than just "sexiness" involved in choosing a life partner. Passion is for but a season, but compatability is for a lifetime.

Other things to consider when looking for a spouse:

What about common interests, shared values and goals?  The ability to laugh together?  

Someone who will be a good parent to your children, if you choose to have them?

Someone who will honor their committments and be there for you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, in health as the wedding vows say?

All that "sexiness" in the world means NOTHING when both of the people in the relationship begin to lose their looks as they age or if they gain weight...or they get a terminal illness..or they are struggling financially or have a child with special needs.  In those circumstance and others, you need a LOT more than just being wowed in bed to make life truly fulfilling. So the success or failure of a marriage should NOT hang onto whether the partner was "hot" in their 20s. Yes, it's nice to have someone who you and others consider attractive, but at the end of the day, it's better to have someone you can talk to, and who love you unconditionally, and who understands you and whom you are truly friends with.

For those making the comments about only those who call shallow are ugly singles:

There are many people who are perceived as "ugly" who DO manage to get married...sometimes more than once! You see it all the time...just go by any church or justice of the peace or park on any given summer weekend....

and there are also people who are considered very physically attractive with the good looks expected of a model or a movie star...who don't get married! Why? Because they either choose not to marry, or they have trouble finding dates for a number of reasons...one of which is that ordinary and even other "beautiful" people are intimidated by their good looks...or the person is so extremely vain and meanspirited, that it cancels out attractiveness altogether. I've actually known of people who have actually divorced so called "perfect looking" people because the individual simply got BORED of them once the sexual flame was out and they realized the two had nothing in common! Then those folks wound up getting re-married to someone considerably more "ordinary" but who is their "perfect match" in every way.

Answer 14

people are attracted to different things. just because you find your spouse attractive, doesn't mean i will and vice versa. there is nothing wrong with seeking someone you are attracted to, but that should never be the only reason why you're with someone. if it is, yes, you are very shallow and you'll get all that you deserve.

Answer 15

The people calling you shallow are fat and/or ugly single people.  Somehow, ugly people think they are entitled to someone who is much better looking than they are, and that their much better looking partner is not supposed to care that they look like a dump truck.

Obviously, those people are going to remain single until they look for a partner in their own caliber of appearance.

Answer 16

That picture is better then the other one

Answer 17

It's shallow if that is your only requirement. Nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your mate, but if that's all that attracts you then you aren't really in it for the long haul.

I've dated attractive men who turned out to be dumb as a post. And that made them not very attractive.

Answer 18

Beauty is a manner of perspective. A woman may not look like Angelina or Nicole Kidman and have one or two things that turn her guy on: eyes, smile, etc.

Answer 19

You do need to be attracted to your spouse but I don't think that is what people are referring to as shallow behavior.  Wanting someone stereotypically s**y is wanting what others find s**y to make people envy what you have achieved.  Your idea of s**y in a man and my idea of what is s**y in a man is different so we are not being shallow if that is the attractiveness we seek.  However if you were to choose a man because the world would judge him as s**y and not because you find him s**y or even to have more then just those looks to be your partner; its shallow.  Does that make sense? Hmmm.

Answer 20

I think the most important thing is that they are attractive to you.  Who really cares if they fit what society thinks is s**y?

Answer 21

For you, my dear, I will go on a psychology rant.

There's many key factors that are considered and assessed when studying interpersonal attraction. Key word in there, "attraction".

The number one thing that people notice, even before they have a deep meaningful conversation with someone - is their looks. Human beings are visual people and enjoy setting their eyes upon things that are visually pleasing. It's not even remotely reasonable to think that you're going to go up to the ugliest man at a party and start talking to him because you want to go on a date with him. The first and foremost thing we notice is how attractive someone is to us.

Attractiveness varies and depends on a few factors. Different cultures find different things attractive. What western society finds beautiful may vary from what those in Africa find to be sexually appealing.

However, there's other ways that we can come to like someone. We can like someone simply because they're always around, or they live close to us. This is called "proximity" and plays a role in those we become attracted to. It's kind of like the "girl next door" theory.

Then there's reciprocity. We like someone because they like us. It's as simple as that. It feels good to know that someone likes us and we associate those "feel good" feelings with that person.

There was a study done and I'll look for it for the sole purpose of agreeing with you on this question - anyway, the study included men and women who made phone calls to each other. The men were given a picture of either an attractive female or one perceived as "less attractive". The results the psychologists found were astounding. The men who believed they were talking to a more attractive woman had more engaging phone calls (despite what the woman actually looked like). The man asked more questions and positively rated the woman after the phone call. On the flip side, if the woman was thought to be unattractive, the man had "yes and no" answers to her questions, was uninterested in what she had to say, and rated the phone call negatively afterwards.

So, stepford, in a very long winded way of saying it - yes it's very important for our spouses to be attractive. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying so they don't come off as shallow - or on the receiving end of negative feedback from being unattractive.

Answer 22

I like this man, and my friends think he has an amazing personality, but none of them think he looks attractive. But, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.