Why is it that people want to tell me how to feel?

Question

As a firstmom, I have to hear from adoptive parents how I should feel. Why is that necessary? Why are you going to try and place yourself in my shoes, sorry, but TTC does not count, and tell me how you know how I feel?

Why do people like this feel it is also necessary to tell the adoptee how they feel?

Answer 1

It validates their feelings.  They, as the adoptive parent, feels that the child should feel honored to be their kid because they were chosen.  It does not and should not matter that half of these adoptive parents (like mine) have no business having kids to begin with.  They need to feel that they are right so that they don't think about the bmoms (like mine) that are pushed, cajoled and threatened to do what these sanctimonius people feel is correct.  What is best for the child and for the bmom suffering the loss does not enter into the equation.  The void we kids suffer through is not important because we are honored to be adopted by these judgemental, controlling idiots.

Answer 2

I don't know, but it totally frustrates the heck out of me.  Especially for example, here on yahoo Answers when someone poses a question specifically at one party of adoption, whether it's adoptees, adoptive parents, or biological parents.  Have you noticed how many people answer those questions who aren't the person requested to answer the question?  =oP

If I ask for an adoptee opinion, it should be adoptees answering, not an adoptive parent of an adoptee, not someone who knows someone else who was adopted, etc...  The only exception is if there was a learned professional who has truly studied the said experience, then that might be okay... (or at least good for a chuckle and then a landslide of thumbs down)

And honestly, when it comes especially to adoptee and biological parent adoption related loss, let the person speak for themselves.  I know from personal experience that not anyone except those living in this house fully understand how I feel about my adoption experience now.   I shudder at the thought that someone I only sort of know mentioning my experience in their perception.

Answer 3

Because they think their needs should come before anyone else's pain.   Because for them, adoption is a huge gain and to think that anyone else may suffer just rains on their happy adoption parade.  They don't want to consider that there is any loss because they are finally getting what they want.

I am not speaking of ALL adoptive parents, just the ones you are addressing in your question.

Answer 4

Perhaps it makes it easier for these people to ignore and deny the real feelings natural parents and adopted persons have.  Then they can more easily go about the business of living as planned.  Some people really think they've helped by doing this!

Answer 5

I hear you.  Whilst there are a great many informed adopters, they seem few and far between.

I've heard so many non-adopted people and folks who can't even imagine relinquishing a child dictate how someone in that position 'should' feel.  It just sucks.

Most of them appear to want us mute.   Pesky adoptees and their burfmoms getting in the way of the fantasy

Answer 6

Do you honestly think this is unique to your situation?  People are ALWAYS telling other people how to feel!  It's the way of human society.  If someone is being strange, we tell them to stop being strange and exactly ow they SHOULD be.  It happens all the time.  

Mothers who lose babies to death always get told how they should feel better because their children are "with the angels" and c**p like that!  Women with children who are born handicapped are told how their children aren't really impaired, just "special" - as if that truly makes a woman who will never be able to hear her son say "mommy" feel any better.  People constantly tell divorcees that they should now feel "free" of that deadbeat - or whatever.  In short, telling people how to feel is our way of trying to get them to feel better.  It's just what people do.

Answer 7

Guess what?  People tell ALL new mothers how to feel!  It goes with the territory.  It begins with pregnancy and lasts forever.   Adoptive moms are told how they should feel, non adoptive moms, birth moms, teen moms, moms of disabled kids, empty nest moms.    It is part of being a MOM so just believe in yourself and let it slide off your back.

Answer 8

As a human being, I have tried to "put myself in someone else's shoes" on many occasions, but I honestly believe that I have no idea how someone else feels about anything. For example, I donate food and toys at Christmas because I *can't* imagine how it would feel to not be able to provide those things for my son. To assume that I DO know how another person feels is the height of egotism.

BTW, saying that "TTC does not count" indicates that you know how that feels as a woman. Have you experienced trying to conceive and been unsuccessful? If not, please don't assume that that is not as bad as losing a child to adoption as you have NO idea how it actually feels.

Answer 9

As an adoptee, and someone who has had alot of assumed feelings and assumptions on how I should feel relating to my adoption I have asked myself this question many times. Why do people seem to think its okay to tell me how to feel, and why do they always speak for my mother and assume they know how she feels.

My conclusion, is when you look at adoption, and wonder why it exists, alot of fault falls onto society and the lack of support we give mothers and lack of rights we give children. There is so much scandal and coverup that the average person, when hearing of it would much rather shove it all away and focus on "happier" things. It makes it so much "easier" to buy into the "win win" situation adoption is "sold" as. And I find that the general public who doesn't understand the scandal involved in adoption all around the world, focuses on the propoganda of adoption, the happy happy win win smile smile aspect of it. They don't want to hear the sad, the violating, the unfair, injust, profitting aspects of adoption. Instead they turn a blind eye and shove ignorance down our throats until we won't take it anymore and stand up and reclaim our past, and work twords a better future which is what I'm doing...care to join me?

Answer 10

People expect everyone to fit into a box.  And if you don't, they have to try to cram you into another box.  People asked my hubby incredulously the other day if he really wanted to have to go through his life not looking at computer screens (epilepsy), assuming that because they valued computers he had to also as a matter of course.  People need to accept that other people are different, and not impose one person's desires/feelings on another person.

Answer 11

Can you perhaps go back and edit and add some more information?  My experience of over 20 years in adoption has overall been the opposite --  most adoptive parents say they cannot presume to know how a birthmother feels, and generally are very accepting of all her feelings -- no matter what they are.  And the same with birthmothers -- who are generally very accepting and understanding of adoptive parents.  The one thing that I do hear occasionally from a birthmother is that they don't really understand why an adoptive parent sometimes feels afraid that she may "take the baby back".  Her reasoning is that why would she go through all of the planning, pain, and meetings if she were not certain of adoption, and them?  And sometimes, I hear from an occasional adoptive parent is that they don't understand why a birthmother doesn't keep up with the exchange of photos and letters over the years.  But....I do not hear adoptive parents and birthmothers telling each other how to feel.  Sometime I do hear this in the hospitals among, of all people, nurses!  They are sometimes very quick to tell birthmothers and adoptive parents how to feel, what to do, etc.  (That's very aggravating!)

Answer 12

I guess they want you to feel whatever feelings hat would work best for THEM.  

In other words, birth parents who don't want contact would rather all adoptees not want to search, because THEY do not want to be found.

That's just an example.  They want whatever is best for themselves, so they think they can tell you how to feel so you won't rock their boat.

.

Answer 13

Adoptees are forever children and nmoms are forever messed up teens making bad choices. I can not count the number of people who think I am unable to make my own decisions and live my own life. I can't say why people do this but man is it ever annoying playing the role of eternal child.

Answer 14

I don't believe any of us should pretend to completely understand what another feels unless we have walked in their shoes.  

I'm sorry this is happening to you.  People need to show more respect for each other.