Why is it when people talk about adopting an infant, people push to foster care which is so different?

Question

If someone voices their desire to adopt an infant, many people automatically start in with "adopt from foster care" which is completely different nad doesn't address the original question. It's like the adoption vs. abortion issue.

Some people may not be adequately equipped to handle *some* of the issues that foster care kids may have.

Some people truly just want an infant that a birthmother has chosen to relinquish.

I think we know that some foster kids do have a host of issues completely different than that of adopting an infant so why keep insisting that only foster kids should be adopted? what about the infants that have been relinquished - what should happen to them?

** please understand this is not a slam to anyone who has adopted from foster care. It takes a very special person to adopt from foster care and I do admire the parents on this forum who have adopted from foster care **

Answer 1

It doesn't happen too often that parents just relinquish the rights of their infants. Usually time has to pass and the parent's rights are involuntarily terminated. People encourage indiviudals to foster if they want to adopt an infant because when that child is available the foster family has the first option to adopt that child.

When you refer to the issue of foster children having a "host of issues" you must consider nature vs. nurture. If the infant has been with the foster family since birth then they will be less likely to have some of these "issues" unless they are genetic or organic or have to do with something that occured before birth.

Lots of people want babies when they decide to adopt so foster parents have an advantage to getting one more quickly-even though the termination process can be rather lengthy and stressful.

Answer 2

I've said it over and over again.

There are different adoption routes and each have their benefits and drawbacks.  A responsible PAP looks at all of the options very carefully and makes an informed and honest decision based on his/her/their unique and specific circumstances.

It's not for anyone else to judge what they should have done.  Every child deserves a safe, secure and loving family.

Answer 3

I only suggest foster care, when someone posts in their question that they do not want to pay for the cost of infant adoption. Foster care is one way to avoid the huge fees in infant adoption. Second don't the children in the foster care system deserve a loving home too? or is it just white infants that only deserve a loving home?

Answer 4

Good question (*).

I looked into foster care prior to switching to an infant adoption.  I realized, after the training that I didn't think I'd be able to help a child with the emotional support they'd need to overcome the reasons why they were placed in foster care.  You really have to be able to handle their issues and to just say to everyone thinking about adopting a baby that they should not adopt a baby- but look into foster care is really setting the child up for failure.

Answer 5

How can someone possibly know if the infant they adopt has autism?  Or schizophrenia?  ADHD?  What about attachment disorders, which some people adopted at  birth do have?

If someone wants the perfect baby, with no issues, then they need to have a test tube baby, from their own genetics, and grow that baby in their own tummy, and take care of him/her from birth.  Actually, in that case, many people will STILL end up with issues, because if they were "made" in their parents' image of perfection, they'll probably wonder, "would my parents have loved me if I was imperfect?"

Many infants don't need to be adopted.  If women in crisis pregnancies were encouraged to seek out services and keep their children, and told how painful it will be to give up their baby for adoption, I wonder how many infants would really need to be adopted?  I wonder, if we stopped telling people that they're not good enough to be a parent if they don't have a husband, a grand-scale paycheck, a house in the 'burbs, an SUV to take the children to soccer practice and violin lessons...how many people would make do with mac and cheese, two-bedroom apartment with double-bolted locks, and the city bus system...and lots of love?

After learning a whole lot about adoption, it is my firm belief that infant adoptions really shouldn't be happening.  It's not necessary most of the time.  Foster kids NEED homes.  Teen moms don't NEED to give someone else their babies.  Women who are told they're just not good enough to be a mother, can usually prove people wrong...if they believe that they have that right - they don't NEED to give someone else their baby, either.  Most women who give their babies up for adoption at birth do not NEED to do so.  But the 120,000 children sitting in foster homes waiting for families, they're only sitting there because the adoption industry has these PAP's convinced that a brand new baby right out of "the wrong mommy's tummy" is going to somehow be the perfect way to soothe their hurts, and take away their desire to be parents to their own children.

It is also my belief that if PAP's can't handle the thought of raising a child who has issues, they shouldn't adopt, PERIOD.  Because there is absolutely NO way to know if a child has issues at infancy.

ETA:  One more thing.  When someone says, "I want to adopt a baby, but it's sooo expensive", I always throw out foster care because I KNOW that a person who wants the perfect baby is going to look at the foster care suggestion and think, "oh but, I can't POSSIBLY take a BROKEN one.  I want a perfect, cherubic baby, just a few days old!"  My hope is that this will get them thinking about how maybe it's not all about them.  I doubt it works, but hey, I can try, can't I?

Answer 6

Because, unfortunately, there are two very divided sides on this issue here in Y!A.  Some people feel that all adoption that does not involve foster care is coercive and should be stopped.  While others (such as myself) have had a great experience with an agency adoption and a terrible experience with the state foster care system.  

I personally try to offer both sides in my answer when I can.  I recommend that people contact a local reputable adoption agency to learn more about the process and the different types of adoption available but that they may also want to consider foster/adopt programs.  I feel that in providing a good answer, the only way that I can do that is to put both suggestions out there.

Good luck to you.

Answer 7

honestly, i never thought of it that way!!!  (as comparing abortion to adoption, so i sincerely appreciate that perspective).

in answer to your question, my thought is that there are so many foster kids available.  also, by "demanding" a perfect (possibly white) infant, we are keeping the adoption industry in business.

but i do see your point with the issues a foster child can possibly have.

Answer 8

You know, I often wonder this myself, but have not bothered to ask. I see all the time that people think it is unfair to children in foster care that are the ones that NEED families. What they don't seem to understand is that many infants are still being given up for adoption whether or not foster children are adopted or whether or not more pregnant women decide to parent their unborn children. Isn't it unfair to those babies that are still being given up for adoption to forget about them because there are older children that need families? If we can talk more & more pregnant women into keeping their children, that'd be wonderful, but this will not & is not always the case. Both foster children & infants need adopted, why focus more on one than the other? Don't get me wrong...I understand that trying to talk women into giving up their children is wrong & unethical, but we can't make every mother keep her child either. People wanting to adopt should definitely consider adopting foster children, but this may not always be the best route.

Answer 9

I don't think I've ever done that.  I think foster children should be considered when an person is thinking of adopting, as it is an option.  But if you don't think you can handle the medical or emotional issues with the child, you better not get that child involved in an unfair to them situation.

Answer 10

You bring up some very good points..

I DO think the children in foster care need homes.. absolutely.. I intend to SERIOUSLY consider adopting from foster care, when the time comes.. but I myself don't know if I'm the "right" person to deal with some of those "issues." But I'm wiling to follow God's guidance and rely on his help and strength..

BUT I think many ignore the fact that there are hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of girls/women, many of them teens, getting pregnant with a child they do not wish to parent.. now I have NO problem with encouraging and helping such women to parent.. I'll agree it's the best thing..  BUT what some people here don't wish to accept that there are MANY women/girls who (for whatever reason, many times because they think it's best for the CHILD) STILL insist on making an adoption plan

So what should happen to their children.. should they be forced to parent against their will?? That doesn't always work otu well for the child!  Should their children be relinquished to foster care so that a few years down the road they MAY be adopted.. "ethically"  from foster??

these women ARE out there... women who have MADE the decision.... KNOW what they're doing and what they want.. and have chosen to make an adoption plan.. I don't see what is SO aweful about an AP/PAP trying to "find" a child  (born or not) whose mother has CHOSEN to make an adoptin plan for her baby..  and my personal opinion is NO child should have to sit "in limbo" in foster, no matter the age.. all children should  have a loving forever home, whether it's their biological home or not.

but if a girl is "undecided" I'll be right in line encouraging her to consider parenting, to find help, to see if she can make it work as a mother.. to not jump into an adoption plan..

P.S.. I also understand that the infant adoption "buisness" in america has ALOT of problems.. it needs to be reformed!! We need to make sure that there is absolutely NO coersion to relinquish, as pregnant, scared women are in a vulnerable state.. They need to "know what they're doing" by relinquishing..

but.. short of COERCION to parent.. even if everything was done perfectly ethically.. there would still be babies put up for adoption.. maybe not as many, but still..

Answer 11

I agree with you!

I will be the first to say that we need to Advocate for the Chidlren in Foster Care and that I would like every single one of these children to have a safe and loving family to grow up with....

BUT, I am also the First to say NOT EVERYONE should be adopting Hurt children....  And not everyone should even try!

The FACT is that children from Foster Care are NOT just ordinary children and they have needs that NOT even an ordinary adopted person is always willing to recognize....  The parents who adopt Foster Children MUST be strong and willing to make the right choices for their child no matter what the world around them wants to shove down their faces...

Yes, Many and maybe even Most of the children in foster care are perfectly fine and do well....BUT, the bottom line is that the WEAK need not apply and those with a fantasy about some perfect happy family--where the child adores them and is grateful for being rescued need to be discouraged from taking this path....

Those are the same parents who disrupt or disolve the adoption.... so.... while I point out the Children In Foster Care I sure as HECK don't want some people I meet to even consider this Respoinsibility as it is NOT just about becoming a mother and father it is about being a child's Number One Advocate no matter what kind of BS that brings to the parents lives....

Answer 12

Yes they do have certain problems when you adopt a child from foster care but truly with so many children in care we need (desperately) parents willing to help those kids. Sometimes on here someone will advise to adopt these children hoping to help some of them.

If you want a baby then adopt one but at least consider the children already born in foster care,

Because do not think that a baby you adopt won't have some problems you will have to deal - we all have problems.

Answer 13

You're right, they are very different.

People ask questions here who seem to be at the very beginning of their research.  It doesn't hurt to suggest another idea for paps to consider.  I think a lot of people do suggest this in an effort to be helpful, although sometimes the tone might seem --not supportive.

Foster care adoptions don't work for everyone. Having gone through the classes, I think they do their best to scare the heck out of paps.  We lost several paps every week - the class after the RAD session was almost empty.

My husband and I wanted to go ahead anyway. The DCF social worker told us that since we were so young (back in the day, sigh) she would only place an infant or toddler with us. She then added that since she didn't believe in interracial placements we'd have to wait for a caucasian baby. It would be a few years, she said, as they had plenty of paps waiting for those children.

I could make a baby myself if that's what I was after. I was trying to adopt because I wanted both to be a parent and to provide a home for a child who truly needed one. We went overseas and adopted a boy with medical issues. Because his problems have turned out to be severe & resistant to treatment, and the doctors tell us it will only get worse, DCF told us this last time around they'd rather we do foster care than adopt. So we got our foster care license but adopted internationally again - older siblings, with more moderate medical issues.

Answer 14

Yes, some children do have issues from foster care...many of them are minor compared to some.  I have seen or have relatives who were adopted that have anything from nothing to MPD / Bipolar / Schetsophrina...etc...

I often find myself pleading with people who want to adopt to go to foster care because of the overwhelming numbers of children...but I try to limit saying this to questions like "I want to adopt the cheapest way" or "I generally want to adopt" with no specifics in mind.  You can adopt from foster care and specifically say I want to foster to adopt only infants / certain genders / race / background / disabilities and so forth.  Granted the more "restrictions" you place for your search will make it a little more difficult to have a child placed with you.  We opted for children 5 and under and only boys...we were instantly blessed with two of them before the ink dried on our license.

I am all for people who want to adopt whether it's an infant / older child / children with disabilities only...my (I guess issue) is that people want to go abroad when there are SO many children here.

Yes, my children have SMALL issues and we are thankful for that...but for what they have been through it is truly a gift from God that they don't have more "issues" than they do have.  It's heart breaking to see what these children go through...especially if the parents still have rights.  For the longest time one of my little ones thought it was normal to have a case worker and to live somewhere else (our home) and to only see mommy 2 hours a week.  He just didn't understand that this is NOT the way it's supposed to be.  He is growing and is starting to understand what a mommy / daddy are supposed to do and that it is in no way shape or form his fault.

Answer 15

because infant adoption has an element of "supply and demand" that's not present with foster adoption.  hence, there is a market-driven motive (on behalf of adoption agencies) to get newborn infants for their clients.

also, foster kids are usually "needing homes"; yet newborns sometimes can be parented, if the n-mom is given support. in other words, foster to adopt children are actually "kids who need a home" where as newborn adoption is usually about, "parents who want a kid."  there's a distinct difference.

with that said, the concern with "coercion" is that --contrary to popular beliefs--there isn't a huge population of young women looking to give up their babies.  most will opt to parent or terminate. so, to ensure supply of infants, some "persuasive tactics" are generally employed in newborn adoption (pre-birth matching, open adoption, paying for the n-mom's expenses, calling her a "birthmother" prior to relinquishment, advertising, biased social workers, et al), which many here feel very strongly against.

in the event that a n-mom really wants to relinquish, the use of these tactics is generally not necessary. but, in order to meet demand (i think there's approximately 90 waiting parents for every white baby), there is a degree of nudging that's required, in some cases.

ironically, there are thousands of kids in the foster care system who need adopting. as such, many people are critical of those who "wish to adopt", yet only wish to adopt "babies." especially when many of these babies may be just as well parented by their n-parents.  it seems a bit counter-intuitive, to some of us.

just read some of the f-mom blogs about how many young women felt tricked into giving up their babies, pressured by pre-birth matching and not encouraged to parent. for some reason, foster adoption seems to lack that dynamic.

Answer 16

I understand what you are asking and I think I may have been guilty of this, BUT only when someone expresses a concern over the cost of adopting a newborn. I have suggested they look into adopting an older child.

Now, if a family starts doing foster care with the goal of adopting a child from foster care, they are in for a rude awakening. The goal of the foster care system is for reunification of the family. And they will do whatever they can to keep a family together. And you really never know when the child may be taken from your home.

Adopting from the Foster care system and adopting from an agency or the bio family is not even close to the same thing. It's like comparing apples and oranges so to speak.

Answer 17

Because -

* there are over 130,000 children waiting - too often aging out - in foster care

* Foster kids are the children already waiting - already having parental rights taken away - costing almost nothing compared to the outrageous infant adoption fees out there - children that truly NEED a home. There are children of a very young age - as well as older children.

* Adoption should be about finding homes for those that really NEED it. (adoption's original purpose)

Adoption SHOULD NOT be about making more adoptees simply to find a child for someone who can't/won't have a child biologically. (ie making it about the adults - and not about the child's best interests)

Adoption SHOULD NOT be a form of contraception. (oops - I got pregnant at the wrong time - lets see adoption as a 'start over' - rather than thinking what's best for the mother & child)

* if mother's were more often encouraged to parent - they would.

It's a fact - it's the way it happens in Australia. Adoptions are down to under 500 per year. (whereas adoptions in the USA are over 130,000)

* there is too much money and corruption in the infant adoption industry in the USA. No one should profit from the movement of a child from one family to another - and no adoption - in my opinion - should happen unless it really needs to. (lack of money - or wanting to finish school are NOT valid reasons - they will never be valid reasons for a child given away - not deep in their hearts)

Why do people insist on taking a child from it's mother - if it really doesn't need to happen??? We are talking about human beings - that know - immediately who their mother is straight after birth - from smell - from sound - and as a society - the US is A-OK from ripping that child from the only mother they have ever known - and given it to a family of complete strangers!!

Many who think adoption when faced with pregnancy - do so because the US has made adoption to be all sunshine and rainbows. Millions of dollars are spent on advertising - on 'adoption language' - on making adoption the only choice offered to people in too many cases - by people who have a vested interests in the taking of babies from their mothers.

* I know far too many mothers that have been talked out of keeping their babies - because they were never encouraged - and told - YES - you could make a fine mother - if you just put your heart and mind into it.

(if a mother still wants to relinquish - fine - but at least you made them think - as staying with mum - is what's best for a baby) I have heard these mothers cry - and feel deeply their pain.

And NO - not all these relinquishments were in the 60's, 70's and 80's - many have happened in the last 10 years.

Coercive tactics are alive and well today around America.

If you don't want to see the corruption in the system - then - to me - you have your head buried deeply in the sand - or you're holding your fingers in your ears - saying loudly - 'I don't want to hear' - 'I don't want to hear'.

* I know hundreds of adoptees that do suffer pain - regularly - from adoption loss - from around the world - and I will not go silently away - with my fingers shoved in my ears any longer.

* too many prospective adoptive parents think that getting a newborn straight from the mother means that they can pretend that the child is biologically theirs - and often don't allow fully open adoptions - or even tell the adoptee they're adopted until much later - or too often - never. Too many who chose infant are quite OK with lies, secrets and deceit - and too often infant adoption allows that deceit to continue - as it is carried out in the US today.

* INFANT ADOPTION - as it is mostly practiced in the USA today - IS NOT IN THE CHILD'S BEST INTERESTS.

ETA: yep - just keep plugging those fingers in your ears and singing to yourself - as I did answer the question - quite clearly - but you just don't want to hear any other side apart from your own.

Any adoptee can have issues - I was relinquished and adopted days after my birth - I have issues.

Adopting infants does not assure you of an 'issue-free' adoption - by any means.

If it had been all the trend when I was young - I too would have been diagnosed with a variety of common 'adoption' afflictions - plus I suffered from depression throughout my childhood and adolescence.

You obviously think it's all too hard to adopt from foster care - so you don't want to listen to anything anyone else has to say.

As for those women that relinquish 'willingly' - as stated - if infant adoption were more geared towards family preservation (which is 'best' for the child if no harm is present) - such as the system currently in Australia - much fewer women would even consider just giving their own children away.

Answer 18

I know why I suggest it.  The domestic infant adoption process is highly unethical and rarely done right.  I'd rather people adopt the children who need adopting and not pre-birth matching with a woman who really isn't convinced fully of the choice that still has to made after her child is born.  The amount of coersion, lack of fully informed of the implications of choosing adoption, and just plain drama of the stigma of unplanned pregnancy is one huge mind ****.

Adopt the children who really need adopting.  Stop the insanity of trying to persuade women out of their children before they are born.

Answer 19

One reason I often bring up fostercare is because I believe that foster-to-adopt has an undeserved reputation of being difficult and only for adopting 'special needs' or older kids.  I feel people should know that that reputation is not valid.   Yes, those cases do occur, and yes, there are many special needs and older children in fostercare.  However, I know of many fostercare adoptions (including our own) that have gone smoothly and were of infants or toddlers.  And while there are concerns about fostercare children having 'issues' (our sons both have delays due to neglect and abuse from their bio family), but there are no guarantees with private adopts (I know this, again, from personal experience).  

So, whenever I see someone say in their question "I don't want to adopt from fostercare because...",  I feel that misconception should be addressed.

Answer 20

when i first started looking into adoption people were telling me to look into foster, if i didnt already have children i would have no problem with getting a child from foster. i have looked through the listings for my area and 9 out of 10 times the discriptions say that the children must be placed in a home either with no children or no younger children. my kids are 11 and 8 plus my 13 year old sister plus i do day care for infants. so most of the children available to me are out of the question.......

Answer 21

I think it is very easy for us to tell others to do the right thing.  But when it comes to actually taking on the responsibility of raising a child, you're right - you need to go in with eyes wide open!

Adopting out of foster care is a good thing.  But yes, the kids often have emotional issues, as does any older child who realizes that you're not their birth parent.

It's also true that foster care adoptions can take time - and during that time birth parents sometimes qualify to have their children back.

A dear friend of mine adopted out of foster care.  She endured two years of waiting to see if the mother's rights would be terminated, including several months where the mother had visitation and her toddler son was confused beyond belief.  In the end, she did end up adopting the child.  But it was an incredibly painful process.  She doubted her own choice - should she fight for her child?  How could she not fight for her child?  But would it be better if ...

Then again, I know another family with four kids adopted out of foster care - and they're happy as can be.

But it's just not for everyone, and you're right to make that point.