Why is my mother so cult like?

Question

My mother is Jehovah Witness. I was raised in that religion but i do not agree with the teaching. Yet she tries to put her beliefs on my young children, The 2,3,4 year old. At this age kids are very impressionable.She believes if its not her religion then its not right and that me and my fiance dont know what where doing but we do our best we can with the kids to instill in them good morals and good behavior. I dont want to disconnect her with the kids because she does help out with babysitting and such. But she does not believe in birthdays etc. I never really had one but i dont want my kids to be alienated from there peers and i dont want them to go thru this. She constantly tells my fiance that hes not raising them right and knocking us down as parents? I already told her she needs to quit but she is her religion. WHAT DO I DO? Ex communicate her from our family.IDK but she is causing problems . And i am not joining her religion. Not going to happen!!

Answer 1

I know you don't want to alienate your mother from you and your child's lives, but sometimes giving an ultimatum can help steer her behavior.  You have the right to believe what you want, and you also have the right to raise your children in the best way you can.  There is a difference between teaching others of your religion and impressing your beliefs upon others.  Maybe you could tell her she can TEACH them about HER being a Jehovah Witness when they're a bit older and can make an informed decision for themselves.  

If it were me, I would tell her that and if she can't agree to hold off on informing them about her religion, then you and your children are going to have to choose to not speak to her until she agrees.  

Again, it's your choice, but I don't see her budging unless she sees that her behavior will bring about a great loss.

Answer 2

First, you both need to learn to respect each others beliefs. A Jehovah Witness came to my door on Christmas morning while my kids were opening their gifts. I thought that was extremely disrespectful and told her my feelings. Just because she didn't believe in the hoilday doesn't mean that she shouldn't respect what we believe.

Then talk to your mom about how you want the kids to celebrate their birthdays, etc. Sometimes we need to treat the mommys like they are young again. Say somethin like  this "Mom, my fiance and I decided to celebrate birthdays and hoildays with the kids. You don't have to celebrate it with us, but we would like it if you respect our choice. If you can't do that, we don't want you to be involved with the kids."

Yes, she may get mad but it is the only way to express her feelings. She should come around! Keep us updated.

Answer 3

Free babysitting is not worth losing control of your kids, IMO.

I am very clear with all of the grandparents that I am the parent, not them, and what I says goes...period. Many grandparents have a hard time with this transition but it's an inevitable one.

Unless your kids are being abused, frankly, how you parent your children is none of their business and if they want to continue seeing their grandchildren, they need to play by your rules and support you and your relationship unconditionally.

You and your fiancee are the team, not you and her. If she is unwilling to hold her tongue and follow your rules, unfortunately as a family you should indeed cut her off.

Answer 4

Sit down with her and tell her that they are YOUR kids and that you decide what religion they are going to follow.

You need for her to understand that you dont

want to be Jehovah Witness.

Answer 5

You don't HAVE to excommunicate her from your family.

But she also does not HAVE to spend time around your children if she does not respect the parenting choices that you have set forth. She has NO legal rights as a grandparent, the babysitting help is not worth it if she refuses to abide by your views.

If she decides to call you out, it will be her loss more than the children's.

Answer 6

The kids will see the truth behind what she is doing and they can feel your tension over it. You can have private talks with them daily about how it is important to respect other peoples religions and ask that they respect yours as well. Tell them that it is a part of who she is, and you wanted them to have more freedom of choice so you are not raising them that way. That gives them the understanding that her way is right for her, but your way is right for you and the kids will love you more even when you are disrepected by her right in front of them. I go through a similar situation with my kids and mother. She was a crappy mother and I let my kids judge for themselves, but I do let them know that if they aren't happy with having so much love and freedom then they are welcome to grow up in her house under her strange and ruthless rules. They choose me everytime. Kids are really smart even at young ages, and I bet if you talk to them on an adult level they will understand it and feel better and more relaxed about it. They will be more confident in their decision to not follow her religion too, when you let them know why you don't follow it.

Answer 7

I would tell her that your children are your responsibility.  Don't allow her to force beliefs on your children that you and your husband do not plan on teaching them.  As hard as it may be I would distance her from the children until she can learn to respect your wishes as parents.  Your children are quite young and impressionable so if you do not want them exposed to her beliefs then do not allow them to be in a position that they will be exposed.  Only allow her to have supervised visits on your terms.  This is not something to be taken lightly.  Things like this can cause problems for not only you but for your children.  The last thing you need is your mother undermining you and your husband as parents in front of your kids.  I'm sorry but cut her out until she can learn to respect you and your family's wishes.

Answer 8

You need to find alternative babysitters.   This is a classic dilemma of growing up.  In order to make your own decisions and run your own life, you have to stop being dependent on your parents.If you continue to depend on your mother, then you are bound by the strings that will be attached.    You'll get the free babysitting, and your kids will get a hefty dose of indoctrination into the beliefs of Jehovah's Witnesses, and you'll have to hear about what terrible parents you and your fiance are.   If you go out and get your own babysitter, then you are the boss, and you can decide whether your kids get the Jehovah's Witness training program.    And, you can walk away when your mother is harassing you.   Believe me, it is generally WORTH the money to be able to just walk away when you are getting hassled.   I know that times are hard right now, though, in this recession  If the financial situation is really desperate, then maybe putting up with the annoyances to save the money may actually be worth it.

Otherwise, you need to lay down the law.  She is not to criticise your parenting or your fiance's parenting.   She is to be civil and polite when addressing any member of your family.  She is not to interfere with your children's religious education.    When you catch her doing it, you should just tell her calmly that you are not going to allow it to continue.   If she continues to do it, then you should put down the phone, or get up and leave, without ever raising your voice.   Just say, "I am a good parent and you have no right to criticise me like that."  or "My fiance is a great father, and I am not going to listen while you badmouth him".    You should not have her over at your house very often until you get this sorted out.  It's much harder to throw her out than it is to just get up and leave.  

Then, it is her choice if she is distanced from your family, and how much distance is required.  All she has to do is treat you with respect, and she will be more than welcome.  if she'd rather not see you at all than to treat you with respect, then really, do you want to see that much of her?

This is called "setting boundaries".  In order for you to manage your own stress, which you need to do for the sake of your children and your husband, and your own health, you need to establish some boundaries and decide what behavior is, or is not, allowed in your family home.    It's not  just about you.  It is about your husband, and your children.    Although you love your mother, she is an adult and can care for herself.  You have children to protect, and a fiance that you will vow to share your life with, and you need to put their interests first.   Your mother's influence on both your kids and your fiance is not healthy.

There is a lot of room between completely disowning a family member and moving them into your back bedroom.    Most solutions fall somewhere in the middle.

Best of luck!!!