Why is that AP's and some adoptees like to make the b-mom out to be a horrible person?

Question

Okay, in reading certain answers.. i see alot of negativity aimed at birth mom's. Alot of AP's and some adoptees like to paint all birth mom's as these horrible people who deserved to have given up or have their child taken away. Have they ever thought this way:

Sometimes life deals us a bad hand and the situation that some birth mothers find themselves in is not a situation or environment that they want to raise a baby in. So, before you go condemning the birth mother, just remember that if it wasn't for her giving up the baby or having the baby taken away, you wouldn't have your family!

I would like to say that some birth mom's do not fall into the cateogory of crackhead w***e or down right irrespondsible person. I think that life gave some a bad deal and they made the hardest choice ever!

Answer 1

There seems to be a "birthmother cycle."  First, she is the loving, generous woman willing to give her baby to better equipped people. Then, she is this person who gets told things like, "How could you give up your baby?  What's wrong with you?"  She's made out in the minds of many to be the lowlife from whom the child needed to be saved.  Yet, when legislative bills come forward to open records, she miraculously becomes, in the eyes of the opposition, that courageous, loving woman who gave her child a better life and has now moved on.

Birthmothers are whatever people need them to be in order to justify what's going on.  It's really unfair.

Fathers get a bad rap from most people most of the time if they aren't married to the mother.  That includes divorce.  What a misandrist society in which we live.  We have to make villains and heroes in order to make sense of the world.  Birthmothers at various times in the cycle, along with unmarried fathers seem to be good targets in the minds of some.

Of course, as evidenced by a number of folks in this section of Y!A, not all adoptees and adoptive parents view birthmoms in a negative light.  Thank goodness for that.  There are good parents and not so good parents in all forms, both natural and adoptive.

Answer 2

I agree with you.  The ONLY reason I've ever presented the negative side of some birth mothers is because others on here have only presented birth mothers as these young, innocent naive young girls who are persuaded into giving up their children by evil adoption people.  That's just not true in every case...just as it isn't true that all birth mothers are evil.  I don't think that at all.  When I see one extreme opinion being put out there, I feel the need to balance that out with the other side as well.  I know sometimes life can just be sh*t.  Sometimes birth mothers are just continuing a cycle that they themselves were born into & it's all they've ever known.  Many times it has nothing to do with their love for the child, which should make most adoptees feel better.  I am one of those people who really thinks birth mothers should be commended for making a selfless decision because it really takes courage to give the child you love away.  But that perspective is always attacked on here.  People say "why is it called a loving choice?!"  So, you can't win.  You sympathize with the adoptees, you get bashed.  You sympathize with birth mothers, you get bashed.  You sympathize with a.p. and you get bashed.  Ironically, even if you try to promote peace here, balance (i.e. not spouting just black & white extremes of opinions), and respect for each other, you STILL get thumbs down.  It's funny & sad all at the same time.  

In summary, I DON'T think all birth mothers are crack whores, abusers, or women who deserve to have their child taken away.  But neither do I think they are ALL these wonderful women who would naturally make great mothers just because they simply gave birth.  Giving birth does not make you a great mother.  It takes much more than that.

Answer 3

Wow, I think thefoxw. . nailed it - it's possibly passed down from generation to generation and the stigma is still strong - so wrong

I would just like to clarify that birthmothers and/or any members of the birthfamily are entitled to seek out adoptees in t he UK  - contrary to what another poster claims.   The legislation was passed in 2005.  Adoptees in the UK have had access to their own birth records since 1974 when the Children Act was passed.

Answer 4

Your absolutely right.  Most folks adopting infants see the other side with loving caring birth mothers who want the best for their children.  Some birth mothers have their children taken away against their will because they don't know their rights as a teen, some birth mothers have their children away because no matter how hard they try they cannot provide for that child.  Some birth mothers have their child removed for being falsely accused of child neglect or abuse.

Unfortunately, when you adopt an older child out of the foster care system you only hear the bad stories because that is where most of those kids come from.  There are some truly evil people in this world and unfortunately they procreate and they inflict unthinkable pain and damage onto their children.  I guess when you adopt one of these kids, the horror of what they've been through makes you just as passionate about those things as adoptees and birth mothers are about how they feel.

Hopefully, those folks feelings receive the same respect as all others.  Thank you for a great question.

Answer 5

Sadly ,my B mom did have a drug problem that prevented her from raising me or my siblings. However I don't run her down and would get very upset at anyone who did.

I realize she had a problem. She had a hard life as a kid and a teenager and drugs were her escape. After losing me, things got worse for her.

I have met her and have an ongoing relationship with her. I love her very much and I forgave her for her mistakes.

My adoptive parents had a very bad opinion of her and were constantly running her down (she was their ex daughter in law). I hated hearing them call her names, even when I was an adult and even got into arguments w/ my adoptive mother over it.

Answer 6

Some have to have someone to blame. I agree it is wrong. My bio wasn't a drunk or drug addict. She was a victim of circumstances. My mom and dad never talked ill of her.  I myself commend a mother for having the state of mind to know that she is unable to care for the child and giving it up so it can have a chance to be a member of a family. Everyone has to realize that not all that get pregnant are able to or are in a situation to raise a child. I haven't chosen to find mine, not because I think she is a bad person but because I see no need to. All parties involved in an adoption should be shown respect. Some think they would have had a better life with their bio's but in a lot of cases that is just a dream. No one can say their life would have been better, just different. No one can judge someone else unless they have walked in their shoes.

Answer 7

I think the people you are referring to are a small portion of AP's, at least, one's that are not educated on the correct adopton language.

You are correct, it is extremely important for AP's to not shed negative light on BM's, however, it is also extremely important for them to be honest with the adoptee if there is an out of control BM, (drugs, abuse, etc).  There is a way to explain this however, without "running them in the ground", as you say.

NOT ALL BM's are crackheads, etc., actually, quite the opposite.  Mostly, it's a slip in responsibility that results in the pregnancy in young women. So, irresponsible, or less desireable, it does not give an AP the right to talk horribly about that person, compassion, and understanding, support are the most positive ways for everyone involved.

Again, I don't thing that the AP's you refer to are the majority, at least, I certainly, hope not!

Answer 8

Well lets take a look at the natural moms I know personally.

My own mom is a far cry from a crack w***e, abuser. She hasn't used any drugs, has never been a drinker, didn't so much as slap my sister on the hand when she was a child and a friend of hers from childhood on tells me she was actually quite the prude when it came to s*x.

A friend of mine placed her son in an open adoption a month before my son was born.  She has a university education, doesn't use drugs or drink, has three daughters (full siblings of her son) who will tell you nothing but good things about their upbringing, has owned her own property since the age of 20 and hasn't even had a single demerit knocked off her driving record.

My a-dad and his first girlfriend had a daughter who was placed for adoption when they were both 18. Neither one is anything described either. Both are now retired after 30+ years with their respective companies and have done very well for themselves.

Then there is me. Not a drug abuser, not an alcoholic, not an abuser and not a w***e. I have always lived my life the same as most of society. Never been in trouble with the law, I have always held volunteer positions with charities making a difference, my two daughters are well cared for and loved. I have made my share of bad choices but find me someone who hasn't and I will show you a liar.

Yes there are natural moms who are horrid people and do horrid things. My adopted brother was born very premature and addicted to heroin, he has FASD. The good side of that is his n-mom saw that she wasn't going to be able to clean up for him and allowed an adoption. She was never spoken about badly in our home. The facts were put before him but never in a light that was overly negative. He was told that she couldn't make good choices for herself so she placed him with a family that could make good choices for him.

I have seen many natural mothers become targets out of  hostility. Sometimes it appears to be out of jealousy ( this stupid, used up, addict, s**t can have kids but I, saint that I am, can't), sometimes it is out of fear (if I keep saying she is an awful person maybe you won't leave me for her) and sometimes out of justification ( if I only let myself think she is awful then I am more justified in taking her child). It is always out of ignorance unless these are hard, cold facts and even then no child deserves to be told such awful things.

Adopted children know they are from another family, they identify with the things said about that family. When you tell an adoptee these horrors you are telling them they too are worthless people. Sounds like what a loving mother should do... or not.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, years ago, there was a stigma associated with women who made adoption plans for their children.  That stigma still, sadly, exists today.

My son's first mother is an amazing woman who was not in a position to raise a child.  She did not want an open adoption when she placed him but the attorney who handled our adoption knows that the door is wide open when and if she changes her mind.  In the meantime, we will respect her wishes and support our son if he wants to find her.

People find our attitude strange.

Answer 10

Probably for the same reason that some adoptees and b-mom's like to make APs out to be greedy, desperate infertiles.  Insecurity.

Neither is right.

My mother's b-mom was none of the negative stereotypes.  She's never done drugs and she most certainly wasn't a w***e, it was her first sexual encounter.  She was simply a young girl faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

Answer 11

Sorry to say that alot of people including the birth mothers say the exact same thing about the birth fathers even worse. Lord forbid that the b mother was younger around 17 and the father 19 he could be charged with rape.  Your right if it wasn't for both the birth mother and father being irresponsible then there wouldn't be all these perfect children to give away then maybe some of these adopted people would look at foster care to find children that truely need a good home.  Most birth mothers are now getting what the natural fathers have been getting for years.

Answer 12

A lot of birth moms do not fall into the category of "crackhead w***e or downright irresponsible" Many simply make their own decision to want something for their child that they can't give. Simple as that.

Answer 13

Thank you!!

Answer 14

I have nothing but love for my birth mom- who almost 50 years ago knew for whatever reason she could not raise me-  her live was sacrificial.  Also my children and I have love for their birth mom's too- without their sacrificial love ,  my husband and I might not have our 2 precious children- now 19 and 15. You are right placing for adoption is not easy-

Answer 15

I think that would be the 'happy' adoptees with 'no issues', the 'angry & bitter' variety usually have a great deal of compassion for natural mothers.  These are usually adoptees who haven't searched because they are 'not at all curious'.

The reason APs they perpetuate the stereotype is to make it easier for them to live with the fact that they're raising a child from another family, that was too disadvantaged (for whatever reason) to take care of their own child, or were convinced by others that it was the 'right' thing to do.

They can feel better about the adoption if she is made out to be a bad person.  She's a bad person+she deserves to have lost her child=I deserve to raise MY child.

It's rationalization.  Pure and simple.  It's human nature.  It takes strong will to think PAST what comes so easily, and is reinforced by society.

Answer 16

Short answer:  Because it's easier to see life as made up of heroes and villains than it is to admit life is made up of imperfect human beings.

Answer 17

First its in the best interests of my children to NEVER express negativity towards our birthparents.  Second I truly admire and respect birthparents as people.  I can see how hard and painful this choice was for them.  I know I will never fully understand the sacrifices our birthparents went through but i will always hold a special place for them in my heart.  How could i not, they are the reason why we have two little miracles.  

Again I know every adoption is different this is just my experience in regards to our adoptions.  As a result, i always think of birthparents as strong, admirable and loving people that were given a bad deal in life and they were forced to make the hardest choice in life that i could ever imagine.

Answer 18

I am not against birth mothers. I am adopted. I am against birth mothers who think that they are still mother to the adopted child and try and have a relationship with that child, and dont consider how the childs parents might feel. That is why I am glad that here in the UK, the birth mother has no right to trace the adoptee. That is the way it should be.

I have a great relationship with my birth mother. We are good friends but that is it. She is just anouther number in my phonebook. I dont stereotype birthmothers to be drug addicts ect, as that is wrong. I just think that birth mothers must have had a good reason to not want to have the child they gave birth too.

Birth mothers have feelings too, and its wrong to judge. But its also wrong for people on here to tell AP who cant have kids to just get over it.

I thanked my birth mother and so did my AP. I feel and so do they. that we have alot to thank her for.

Answer 19

it just keeps the facade going that ALL adoption, "saves" babies from horrible, unfit mothers. hence, rationalizes sealed records, non-enforcible "open adoption", immediate revocation periods, pre-birth matching and all of the other "loving choice" propaganda that pads the pockets of the profiteers.

Answer 20

There are some bmoms who do have lots of problems and cannot care for their kids.  Unfortunately that is a stereotype superimposed upon many bmoms for whom the truth is completely contrary.  I would be willing to bet that this stereotypical view is encouraged  and perpetuated because it makes adoption sound noble and pro-child.  I also presume it makes it easier for adoptive parents to believe that they are doing something not just for themselves, but for the child as well.  It paints a picture of a win-win-win situation.  Bmom is relieved of the burden she cannot handle, child is not only saved from a bad situation but also placed in a good one, and aparents get a child to love.

If we put on our glasses, we can see many bmoms are normal, responsible, loving women overwhelmed by a set of circumstances.  My bmom was married, husband was gainfully employed, in college, had excellent health habits, and good medical care during her pregnancy...hardly the reprehensible stereotype!

Answer 21

I'm sorry - if the birth mom WAS a chrackhead w***e, how precisesly are you supposed to NOT run her down while telling your children the truth?  I can see the conversation now...

"Yes son, doing drugs is bad,"

"Yes son, your mom turned tricks for drug money,"

"No, it was ok when your mom did it, even though it means you've been handicapped for life..."  

I mean SERIOUSLY!!!  

I do not believe by any stretch of the imagination that ALL birth mothers are bad people.  I have personally met one that was not a bad person at all - she was in my bible study group.  I also know a family with an open adoption where the girls' mother is a fine person - so much so that the girls have stayed with her to visit their sister from time to time.  Most of my adopted friends had mothers who were simply too young to care for them.  While this might make them unwisely promiscuous, it doesn't make them crackheads.  

However, in the case of my brothers, their birth mother WAS a very bad person.  Even so, I don't think my parents ever told my brothers that - not in so many words.  Still, it's not something that is easy to try to "play down".  Both my brothers are Mentally Retarded because of drugs she did while pregnant.  So are three of their other biological brothers - and a sister as well, though she was to a lesser extent.  Only the youngest managed to be born MOSTLY clean - and she blessedly got talked (can I use the word coerced here?) into getting sterilized.  How on earth can you respect a person like that in any way?  She harmed those babies, not one child, but SIX children, by her own actions.  We cannot use cruel or unusual punnishment even for child molesters in our justice system, but this woman was allowed to keep having children and keep maming them before they were even BORN!  It really is hard to take someone like her and think of her as anything other than horrid.  No amount of pity story can really midigate the extent of her crimes - trust me, I've TRIED to come up with pityable excuses for her and can't.  

Not all birthmom's are that way.  Since most children are adopted as infants, I would say few birthmoms are truly that way.  However, you can't believe that all birthmoms are saints either!  You say that if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have had my family.  That is true!  I wouldn't have had my brothers.  The thing is, I truly LOVE my brothers.  If giving them up meant taking away their disabilities, that wouldn't be a hard choice.  To give them lives that weren't mamed from day one would be worth having lived a life without knowing them.  What their "mother" did was nothing short of child abuse, and no adoptive parent should ever be put in the position of having to justify that.  My parents didn't "talk her down" or call her names - but the simple truth of the matter was enough.  She was named by her own crimes.

Answer 22

I was not addicted to drugs, live in a bad home, a w***e, or a horrible  person, I was a gullible somewhat imature 18 year old. My bdaughters amom is a perfectly lovely woman who loved my daughter and took excellent care of her. My bdaughter is lacking in self esteem and she said she felt she never really fit in to her afamily. That made me very sad to hear that.

Answer 23

I agree.  The drug addict, alcoholic stereotype is ridiculous...usually that's what is used when the adoptee decides to go looking for her.  Up until then, though, she's the wonderful hero who made the loving sacrifice of placing her child...as long as she stays conveniently OUT of the adoptee's life.  It's such a sickening double-standard.

I found my mother in 1996, and being that I was a BSE adoptee, she sadly didn't even have a choice.  Losing me to adoption damaged her in ways that I can't even begin to describe.  Not drugs, or booze, or any sort of bad lifestyle choices; it was adoption itself that hurt that poor woman.  Talk about irony!

So nope, I certainly don't think n-mothers are horrible people, in fact I happen to have one myself and love her very, very much.

Answer 24

Finally!  Thank you.  I'm tired of hearing how horrible b-moms are, too.  It takes more love to give your child away to a family that will be able to provide a safe, loving, warm environment for their child, than it does to "save face" and raise a child that you know you don't have the ability within you to do so.

There are a lot of children raised by their biological parents that have it just as bad, if not worse than an adoptee.  Abuse and neglect happen anywhere by anyone, adopted or biological.  I know quite a few successful adoptees and biologically raised children and I know that some didn't turn out so well, but the same thing happens to biologically raised children, as well.